I decided to take revenge on my wife by having an affair - hypocritically, as I'd claimed the high ground in previous rows about the infidelity she had been involved in. This was exciting and restored some of my confidence briefly. It was a horrendous mistake by me for all concerned. It damaged the person I had an affair with emotionally, it damaged me and it damaged both my wife and the relationship.
To counteract this impulse, remember that suffering is necessary for growth (I'm not pointing this out to rationalize suffering, but rather to suggest our focus should be on using it as a catalyst). If we can resist the impulse to treat suffering like a fire that must be extinguished immediately, we can consider with a clear mind how to best respond to the unhappiness of the ones we love. But if instead we give in to our impulse to take over responsibility for someone else's suffering, we may find ourselves cheating them out of an important growth experience. True happiness comes from strength. If we solve every problem for the ones we love, how will they ever learn to solve problems themselves?
Hello! My husband and I will be married 18 years in May. I can honestly say that I don’t know if our marriage has ever been ideal, or a good marriage. My husband will admit that he is a very selfish person, as I know many men/women will say this, he will also tell you he has addictive behaviors, no drugs or alcohol,but gambling, and video games are his addictions. Our marriage,to me and some who are around us, will say is based solely on what my husbands wants/needs are. I have never been the first priority in his life, in my opinion. Example: When I was pregnant with our eldest child, I was working 12 hour days. He was home for a couple of weeks because his back was injured,but was medicated and fully capable. I came home from work with feet swollen and exhausted, and I just wanted to soak my feet. I walk in the door, and he comes out of his “man Cave” and asks me what is for dinner. I got a can of soup out slammed it on the counter and said there you go, and went for a walk. No he didn’t come after me. I was so angry that when I went back in the house I went to bed. He holed himself in his video games then and is still to this day. There are so many other times/examples of basically the same thing. We aren’t, and really have never had a truly intimate relationship…to me it seems like a chore to him. He freely admits this. At one time, about 10 yrs. ago he told me he didn’t find me attractive anymore because I was to fat. (I have now lost 50 lbs. and weigh just slightly more than I did in high school which was 154, that truly has no bearing on the situation in my opinion) It is not for lack of trying on my part, I have gone so far as texting things to him. I have been pushed away, he says the kids are home I don’t want them hearing, and many other reasons. I have thought, is he cheating, and even most recently is he not interested at all. He is now overweight, takes high blood pressure meds, and says he has no self confidence. He is not an active participant/husband but rather to me, it seems like I have another child. I have to ask him to help around the house, while he plays his video games usually 5-6 hours a night(this is an every day,every year occurrence) He is depressed, gambled a lot of money away that we don’t have, lost his father, and in my opinion, he feels he lost his mother as well. His mother has been a mother who loves him, but didn’t raise him to be a man/husband. She did everything for him, I just took over when we married. At counseling I brought up that he smokes in the house when I leave when I have asked him not to. The counselor asked him why he does this, is it like “mom” says don’t do it, so you do it anyway? he said yes. He told her the children don’t listen to me, and she said you don’t listen to her so why should they. You don’t think they children listen to her, but actions speak louder than words. Our children our great children, have very busy lives, and our great students…but they will tell you that there mother is not happy and they don’t like it. When he gambled I am the one who found ways to pay the debt, not him. He owns the fact that he gambled but has done nothing to render the situation. I feel instead of playing games for 5-6 hours, he should get another job to pay for it. When I say I have a husband who is more like a 44 year old child I truly mean it. I do everything from paying the bills to deciding what to have for dinner. He tells me he loves me, and I don’t doubt it. I think his love for me is in a motherly way and not a wifely way. He says my expectations are to high for him. The counselor said to him, you are just a big kid aren’t you…laughing he said yes…she said I think you need to think about what I just said. Your wife wants a husband and a partner, to be a couple, not a 44 yr. old child. My expectations are this..Be my husband, my partner, my co parent, my friend, something other than what he is and has been for a very long time.
Have you ever been spoken down to? How does it feel? Not good, right? If you think you are the smartest person since Einstein, and insult your boyfriend’s intelligence on a regular basis, even if it’s in a playful way, it really won’t make him happy. Often that is just our ego barking, needing to validate itself as being so great, but it actually makes us look arrogant and isolates us from people.
DJ, thank you for the acknowledgement. I really appreciate it. I’m almost ashamed to admit I wasn’t really hit that hard in the breakup. I relocated across the country when we moved in together, so I got out of touch with most of my old friends over time. But we both worked full-time, we weren’t married and didn’t have kids so there were no real financial issues. I’ve got new outlets for my hobbies, and new friends over time, so I’m really doing fine today. Except for the “emotional connection” part. After a long-distance relationship for over a year before… Read more »
I have been married for 25 years. It has been a rough one off and on for the whole time. I could give so many details but that would take forever. The gist of if it is he travels a lot and I have trust issues with him. We have not had sex in almost eight months. I have tried but get pushed away everytime, to the point I have stopped even trying. We have hardly had any relations for the past four years. We sleep in separate rooms and have for a while now. He refuses to talk about anything and when I try to bring things up he just gets upset and tells me I’m being stupid. He cannot seem to answer a yes or no question. He goes on golf trips too throughout the year and takes me nowhere. I just recently took a weekend trip for myself (while he was away for over a month himself on “business”), and he would not talk to me for over three weeks. He is home now, and we have barely said anything to each other. I have tried everything I know to do for 25 years to communicate with him, and he just won’t give me the time of day. My feelings have slowly dwindled, and I still am hoping for a “miracle,” but I cannot do it all myself. I’m tired of having just a room mate. I feel like am a second mother to him. All he has to do is go to work, watch TV, and play golf three to four times a week. Any suggestions on how to get him to talk about things and tell me why he refuses to be intaimate with me and what might be going on with him? I just can’t take it anymore.
Thank you… although it has been months in a loveless, no affection and no passion relationship, i still held on thinking things would change but he finally told me after me forcing him to talk to me that he doesn’t love or care for me any more and he can not force himself…. its day one and it hurts as hell, messed up thing is we will live together with a toddler… I am spinning… do not know what to do or where to go!
In my day to day, you know, get up, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work… the issues don’t seem overly huge. When it seems all wrong to me is when I have the urge to call my 17 year old and tell her not to go home after school. This is because I haven’t been around him and seen for myself that he’s not in that other part of himself. He was really mean to her one day while I was not at home and I’ve never forgiven myself for not protecting her from that. He apologized to her and we had about 2 weeks apart and she seems okay now but I can’t get it out of my mind.
Im 22 years old and have a pne month old baby boy. After moving in with my now husband, I found out he was cheating on me with a co-worker even before I was pregnant. When I confronted him hr first denied it until I showed him proof. I love him very much. His son and me need him. I dont want my child to not grow up without his dad. If it was just me I would of left. But im thinking about what is best for my son. After we talked about it we said we would try to make it work. I thought he would stop but I catch him lying to me and getting out to go see her. I went through his phone and saw that he tells her he loves her and hates having to leave each other. She tells him that she hates knowing that he comes home to me. I love him but I feel so hurt about everything especially after the fat that we have a son now. We had made so many plans that im am soo confused and not sure of his feelings. He doesn’t tell me he loves me. He says that the fire in our relationship is not there or the love like when we meet 2years ago. I dont know what to do or how to make our relationship work. How do I bring tjat intimacy back into our relationship. Im not talking about sex but emotionally.
To my fiance’ bills do not seem to be prioritized. I’ve seen at least 20 cell phones bought in the 7 years we have been together, b ecause she doesnt like this one or that. The preschool our child attends already informed us that she is behind in some skills but how can I try my best to get her to learn when mommy could care less? I’ve spoken to friends and relatives on both sides of the family and because mommy doesn’t want to hear the truth from others, she will not only alienate herself but I and my daughter from everyone. At one point in time about a year ago, we lived in a motel room, with no family to turn to except one. And now she is beginning to alienate us from this person too. I’m at wits end. I have a disability but it does not hinder me from shopping cooking cleaning or tending to my daughters needs. If mommy shops, its all garbage food. The school bus stop is a block away; she wont walk our child down; I have to drive her. She doesnt clean house very often. I have problems with my legs so my mobility is limited at times but I will stand in the kitchen n cook, or spend an hour or more shopping or walk my child to the bus despite my pain. Why? Because my daughter comes first in my eyes, always had and always will.

If your married and you go and listen to your Husband’s ex’s what is this a sign of??? My marriage is about to end and my wife has let my 3 ex’s into our marriage… She said that she was a woman of GOD but who does this… Do you find this action immature at some point… Then she did bring in baggage from an early marriage etc… We could never talk after she started talking to them… She said it was better to talk with them than me… So I left the house… She has 4 kids that I was taking care of that were not mine… She never looked at this… Each night was about the ex’s etc… I grew tired of this abuse and I felt it was time to move on… Then the looking in my phone… Then asking me why I don’t cheat on her etc… When her ex’s all 3 did cheat on her… Give me your thoughts please of what is wrong with her because she thinks she is perfect and nothing is wrong with her… I am the problem…


when i was younger i always went for the life of the party types but have found they are usually very self centered and exhausting to be around in the long haul. sarcasm is not funny to me anymore either, because it my experience it’s based in hostility, which can often be turned on to the partner during disagreements, a man who’s humor isnt about putting others down, but about the human condition and absurdity of life, that is truly funny to me, and something i would not want to live without.
“My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me days before my birthday,” says Mandy on 5 Healthy Ways to Cope When You Miss Him. “He said he is unhappy and that he’s not in love with me anymore. We moved to a new city to have a fresh start, cause last year he broke up with me for 3 months and we wanted to start over new. I still love him but I know I have to accept that he doesn’t want me anymore. My boyfriend was my life and I can’t even hate him. I can’t explain the feeling I have. I’m numb. I can’t believe it because I love my boyfriend so much. I don’t know why he doesn’t want me but I know I will have to survive.”
Cheer up Jan, this one is for sure! One day you are going to laugh about this!!! ;0) You are not a victim, you guys lost in translation. :0) If he gets sexual with you, then this is the minimum that he should come clean and tell you why all this weird behavior from a newly wed husband? It’s not fair, and you feel that. Do you feel that he is dishonest? If sex is so amazing what drives him out from your warm bed? All you can do to be honest to him from your heart, find the right time moment, you can’t force nature, after you think and feel you have tried everything and still he is not changing or responding to your wonderfulness, then you have to decide how healthy it is for you to stay in this relationship. If this doesn’t work for you, then why not close this chapter and start a new one with beautiful shiny white papers, you are the star! The story is in your head and in your heart …Imagine your perfect life and allow yourself to feel that amazing feeling, be there, feel it and you manifest it. Stop worrying, what do you have to loose? A not working relationship whatever should the outcome be. I wish you happiness. All the best.A
Laurie, I have been marriage of 27 years. We have no children. My husband is older than me and is looking at retirement in approximately three years. I am not even close to thinking of same. We have a home in the country, he is always asking me to move from the city and find a new job in the country. We have a small place in the city. I have had my job for 25 years and am not wanting to leave my job; I love my job. My husband is extremely upset with me regarding this. I told him that IF I moved to the country leaving my secure job and he got hit by a bus, I would sell our country home and move back to the city. Of course if this happens I would lose my secure job and start at the bottom. In the country there are virtually no jobs aside from Tim Hortons or McDonalds to work at. This does not make sense to me. I have fifteen years until my retirement. This has been an ongoing argument/disagreement for too many years to count. We love each other but I am really reaching my ceiling in this regard and for that matter so is he. Any suggestions?

The question of how to make your husband happy obviously isn't an easy one to answer. It's going to differ from person to person. You need to begin by trying to determine what it is that is at the root of his sadness. Obviously talking with him is the route to take but you need to be mindful of how you approach this subject. Simply sitting down with your spouse and asking him point blank why he's sad, isn't the best way. He'll likely tell you that he's fine and won't share anything with you. The reason men do this is quite simple. They don't like emotional confrontations and if part of their discontent is connected to you, they know that you'll react strongly. That's why you need to be more approachable, and understanding when it comes to sharing feelings. Show your husband that you want to be accepting and helpful. When he does share small details about his day with you, don't take offense if they involve you. Listen attentively and then tell him that you're grateful he was so honest and that you want to learn from your mistakes.

Initially when I asked her that she just blew it off quickly and said “I don’t know, but he needs to stop acting like this or else I’M OUT!”. So I made sure to ask her ONE more time to really emphasize the fact that I wanted a legitimate answer. When I did that, her indifference immediately turned to outrage as he wondered why the HELL I was “taking up for him” when she was the emotional victim of his actions. She mumbled something about “men not understanding” and just immediately changed the topic, so I obliged and we began talking about something unrelated. But I really wish we could have let that conversation play out, because there’s one gross misunderstanding some women have about men that I really wanted to clear up for her.

@lonelyinacrowd. Yes, i hear you and i am in the same boat. Five children and here I remain. Fot their sakes! We have been in seperate rooms for 4 years now and just for the record, that affects the kids just as much. I worry about the impression we are making on our children by leading these seperate lives under one roof. Kids are so perceptive at all age levels. My four year old came home from a playdate at her friends house and bursing through the door she said in disgust :’mom, guess what! Kate’s mom and dad SHARE a room’ (she of course thinks thats its appalling bad luck to have to share as in our house, it is an eldest child’s privilege to have their own room)


Marriage and kids is just not something my husband can deal with... He would rather come home and be left alone literally.. When I leave the house and dont see kids for few hours i miss them dearly and come home and kiss them he leaves and when he gets home never once comes to his family he wants privacy.. We dont talk he never has done anything special for me since we got married.He has even forgotten my birthday before.. Sex? What sex? That hasnt existed for years sometimes i feel lonely but remind myself that i should be grateful for my kids they are more than i could ever ask for is it selfish to want someone who tells u i love you or just brings u a birthday card for your birthday??I dont even expect it anymore I just focuas on my kids being happy and having everything they want and need.. I know that we both are not happy and because of financial situation it is difficult to walk away. I stay silent keep the peace but when everybody is asleep the tears fall down i feel sad we dont even sleep in the same bed..


I forgot to mention that I've tried to not pamper him as much but then he gets mad that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. And yes I've thought of that. My son starts school this year. I'm gonna try a new career by going to school. Put some interest in that. But until school starts I can't do it because I don't have a sitter. Which is another thing , is it normal for him to not want to keep our child so I can go somewhere? Like for literally less than am hour
He always calls me slob and lazy. Its kind of true as I never developed proper cleaning habits but it hurts and I have made sure the place stays clean. Whst really boils my blood is that when I met him he had an illness, wasnt working, but was fully ambulatory. We lived together and he would never lift a finger to do anything! I would come home to squalor and he would ask me what was for dinner. My mother would come over and ask me wht was the place a mess when all my husband did was sit at home and play videogames. It was so embarrassing.
Just for get everything just think about ur kid and become something for ur kid maybe ur husband loves u there might going on something in his mind when his mind is fresh he will come back to u trust him that's all and do something in ur life u can take online classes to become something ur child will be soooo much proud of u if u become something in ur life good luck in ur new life god is with u always
To be successful in this relationship we recommend you to understand and study a little male psychology. In most cases, our vague intuitions about something are not all correct so it can sometimes be difficult to understand. The truth is, it really can be easy to know what they think. Just believe what he tells you and take it as an honest truth. One of the most important points that we should know about men is that they value loyalty a lot, that is, if we are loyal to our boy this will be worth a lot. Nothing is more attractive to a man than a girl who is honest and positive at all times.
i am also going through the same, the man I have been with for 7 years going to 8 just left me and we just had a baby. he treats me so bad to an extent that I just see it as normal. when he is happy I should be happy but when he is unhappy he also wants me to be happy, he swears at me today and the next day he tells me he loves me. I know they say you should fight for what you believe in and fight 4 your man but after he just decided to leave me without no reason , I have just decided to stop believing and just focus on my own happiness, you can love someone so bad but sometimes love is not enough when it makes you miserable, love is supposed to make you happy.
I was inspired to write this article by a reader’s comment. “My husband and I have been together since high school and got married 12 years ago,” said Jessie on How to Know if Your Husband Still Loves You. “We’ve always been comfortable together, but over the past couple years I’ve been getting the feeling he no longer wants to be with me. Our relationship is just one of convenience. All of the signs he doesn’t love me are there, and he says a lot of very very hurtful things to me. He tries to make me feel like a horrible person and he attacks the things I say and do. After he says all these mean things to me he wants me to act as though everything is alright. He says I need to smile and be happy etc. but I’m feeling like I could crawl up in a ball and die. Are these signs your marriage is over? I think so but it would help to get an outside opinion.”
This is my story my husband is in prison doing 25 to life done 23 i knew him before prison Started writing him as i was married to someone else as a friend divorce writing him yet he asked me to marry him i didn’t answer several several months later married someone else divorce writing him yet i was scared first time asked can i do a marriage like that all that time i married him now7 years He has got very mean controling and disrespectful within last 6 months he has applied for sentence reduction which may come though for him He as done very well programs looks good for his second chance I am his only family basically with his attitudes its time i feel do i give up but i want it to work but he thinks its me not him he knows attitude help
"Many people in relationships make the mistake of giving up their past friends to focus solely on couple time. However, doing everything together can create staleness in the relationship and is a great recipe for both partners to get sick of each other. To be happy, you both need to make time for your separate friends, even if it's just a couple of days a month." —Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor and relationship coach with The Popular Man
I have been married for almost 30 years. 11 years ago, my husband cheated on me. While we have tried to put things back together, I feel it has been a one way street. I know that since that he has not physically cheated, however I have found out that he has lied to me once again. He works very hard, and our lives right now are very stressful. I found out that he has been talking to a young woman for the last 3 months. She is an escort for a call girl service. He said that he knew talking to her was wrong, and has since stopped. He said it was a friend of one of his workers and she called on his cell because the worker’s cell was shut off. My husband swears to me that he wants to put all of this behind us and start all over. He says he feels differently now and wants to build a better future for us. He says that he promises to be the husband he should be. He went out of town on a business trip right after all of this happened. Yes, I know it is for work, because he stayed with a business partner and his wife who happen to be a friend. My husband is coming home tonight and I really am not sure if I should give him another chance. I have nowhere to go and no money to survive by myself. Any ideas?
When you were first married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your husband. You were polite. You didn’t want to hurt him – and he was sensitive to your feelings. But time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house and aging parents and health issues take a toll…and you find that you don’t have the time and patience it takes to be polite. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make time and effort to communicate with love and respect.

Often, men become withdrawn because their life isn't what they anticipated it would be. If you feel this may be a contributing factor in how your spouse is feeling, create new experiences for you two to share in. Surprise him with a week away or arrange for him to participate in something that he loves to do, whether it's working out at the gym or restoring an old car. Sometimes when a man has something new and exciting to focus on, it will change his entire attitude and you'll start to see his sunny disposition shining through again.
My husband the night we got married said he was hungry left to go up to the hotel cafeteria to get get something to eat and was going to bring it back to the room. About 2 and a half our later he comes back. With know food and not much to say. We went to bad and the next things where different between us. Then to come to find out he was going by his old girl- friends house after work things where rough but I tried very hard to let people talk because I wasn’t s sure 100 % at the time myself their where several times he cheated on me I knew and I separated from him and was going ing to file for a divorce but I had a small daughter. I had lots of running wild emotion. I knew I loved him but was never sure of his true feeling about me. My life has been up and Dow been married 40 years. The last 15 years he says he can’t have sex but I have been waiting on some kind on emotional affection reassurance of his love for me. To touch to hold me to make me feel loved by him that special connection we used to have and sure. For those that don’t know it was never sex it was the love the bond the emotional attachment feeling that special love the special hands fingers hugs touch the way his eyes looked at me any body that has been in love knows that love that deeply love knows what that feeling feels and means but for 15 years it’s hasn’t been there for me and I can’t keep going this way I love him so so so much. But t hurt and long and want to be love feel love feel that special love that makes you the happiest person in this world. Only feel and makes you feel you feel like life is worth living. My husband has push me in a corner and I love him so so dearly but I’m so lonely and scared and I don’t know what to do. I’m 59 yrs with not the best health but my heart is broken and I feel my life is over.. Sometimes I would rather live alone by myself then to live with. Seeing him hurts so bad yes he will give me a peck on my lips and say I love you or good night or by I love you but that doesn’t begin to fill my my dreams ,dreams of feeling love and wanted by him. The emotion feeling inside of me feeling that he feels the same way I do. He want even touch me in any emphysema way at all. Before he didn’t have problems until the cheating starting. What I don’t understand is if he didn’t want me he had so many times to leave and divorce me. Can someone explain why stick with me then with this long and treat me this way? I would love to understand. I want a divorce but I also do want to live by myself but I want to be love before I can’t remember who it is that loves me.
Marriage and kids is just not something my husband can deal with... He would rather come home and be left alone literally.. When I leave the house and dont see kids for few hours i miss them dearly and come home and kiss them he leaves and when he gets home never once comes to his family he wants privacy.. We dont talk he never has done anything special for me since we got married.He has even forgotten my birthday before.. Sex? What sex? That hasnt existed for years sometimes i feel lonely but remind myself that i should be grateful for my kids they are more than i could ever ask for is it selfish to want someone who tells u i love you or just brings u a birthday card for your birthday??I dont even expect it anymore I just focuas on my kids being happy and having everything they want and need.. I know that we both are not happy and because of financial situation it is difficult to walk away. I stay silent keep the peace but when everybody is asleep the tears fall down i feel sad we dont even sleep in the same bed..
Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills-based family and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, describes a potentially troubling scenario in which one partner exercises control over the other. This is especially problematic if "one partner feels over-controlled by the other spouse, and has made great attempts to verbalize his or her feelings and feels defeated because his or her expressions and words are not validated," says Walfish. One way this issue might present itself? If a spouse controls the finances of the family, and prohibits the other partner from having their own credit card or checking account.
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