DJ, thank you for the acknowledgement. I really appreciate it. I’m almost ashamed to admit I wasn’t really hit that hard in the breakup. I relocated across the country when we moved in together, so I got out of touch with most of my old friends over time. But we both worked full-time, we weren’t married and didn’t have kids so there were no real financial issues. I’ve got new outlets for my hobbies, and new friends over time, so I’m really doing fine today. Except for the “emotional connection” part. After a long-distance relationship for over a year before… Read more »

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 4years and he says im contolling and he is unhappy now and he doesnt want to fix anything he just wants to end it. I love him alot but he isnt even trying to work it out or giving me a chance. He says he has waited for me to change and he sees that im the same person and he is done waiting. We use to talk about getting married and now he tells me he doesnt see us getting married. I dont want to loose him and i want to fight for him and he sees he doesnt want me to fight for him because its to late for that.
Hello my friend. It seems that social skills seem to be a problem with many people. I used to have those problems. The truth is that they are truly “skills”. You have to build confidence around approaching others and general conversation. This can be done with a simple excersise: next time you go on the street, say hello to every person that you see. It may be nerve racking at first, but after a while, it will ease your overall anxiety around approaching people. I highly recommend reading “how to win friends and influence people by dale Carnegie” if you… Read more »

There are great women out there and great relationships that have been built. I feel that with the lack of time that is spent on each other in a relationship due to career interests and working all the time; marriage just dwindles down to staying together for our kids. Emotionally manipulative and to spend the rest of my life trying to figure the emotional puzzle out…no way. Life is way too short to live in misery and having to be attached to the opposite sex. I have to re-build myself again for I just have no interest in continuing on in this relationship. I don’t regret the time spent for there were good times. We rarely argued and were never verbally abusive. One thing I can state is that my wife is a controller and I just have had enough with being the 4th child in our Family. I don’t want to be married to my mother anymore:) I have lost an emotional attachment to my wife and I understand that it is important for her when it comes to a relationship that I just cannot provide.

Well it is of no surprise the outright majority will be females who have been wronged by males. I myself am in a different circumstance. I have tried to push ahead in life with my relationship, for the pure fact that we have two children and it seems to be the morally right and socially acceptable thing to do. However, I am ending it….for the pure fact that I do not love this woman as one who needs a partner they can trust, should. It is to no fault of her own, she could not see what the relationship needed, and had instead focused on what articles like this had listed. Communication is paramount, but as much as everyone thinks they know, it is a two way street and listening is skill that we as humans must learn.


I’m thankful to have found this in good timing as it’s exactly what my confusion needs. My guy just shut me out last week and I was in complete silence and darkness for 3 days. Finally, I pleaded with him in a text msg to say something, anything because I was trying not to worry about him. He responded with an apology and said he needs time to work on himself. I accept and respect this and I’m giving him his space. But why is it on us women to understand and accept whatever his terms are? Can’t it be understood that we as women want to help? Maybe giving him space is the only way to help? This makes me feel worthless when my natural role is to offer him comfort and nurture him. When does my role count for anything? When HE feels ready? Is this all about HIM? I guess it is when real love forgets “self”… I won’t sit around and wait for him but I won’t forget about him, either. May clear and calm thoughts be with you all!
I never believed in miracle until this happened to me recently and I am sharing this publicly with everyone because I know there are many people who might be in the same position I was and here it goes or any kind of difficulties, My wife has been separated from me for about 1 year plus and move in with another man while filing for divorce. Honestly I can't deny that I truly love, miss her and can't do without her in my life, I feel emptied after she left me and being away from her was not okay for me at all but to my luck . I was introduced to this man whom I was made to understand he can make my wife come back to me and continue to live the way we used to live together before, At first I have a very doubting mind but decided to give it a trial, I explained to this man about my wife, he did what he have to do and assured me my wife will be back to me within the next 7 days and to my surprise, I received a call from her on the third day and we are finally back together and moved in back with me on the fifth day and she dismissed the divorce in court and we are finally living happily back together. This man has really made a positive impact in my life and I have promised to promote and advertise his sense of humor about this and will surely help you out especially made to bring back your love who is with some one else, or who has left you and don’t want to be back to you and you can as well explain any form of problem or challenges you might be facing in life. You can get in touch with him via his email address puresolution4u@gmail.com or text him on (805) 317-6862 and I assure, you are going to praise me later, If you are facing any kind of difficulty, I oblige you to give this man a trial and you won't regret it.
Anna Green has been published in the "Journal of Counselor Education and Supervision" and has been featured regularly in "Counseling News and Notes," Keys Weekly newspapers, "Travel Host Magazine" and "Travel South." After earning degrees in political science and English, she attended law school, then earned her master's of science in mental health counseling. She is the founder of a nonprofit mental health group and personal coaching service.
When you're together, you order the same Chinese food every time (same places, same dishes, same greasy packets of mustard no one uses). You select movies from the same Netflix ghetto (Romantic Comedies Based on Foreign Films with a Dark Twist Recommended for Jane & John) every weekend. "He never wants to try anything new," you complain to a girlfriend, only it's not quite true, is it, because when he's with his friends he'll try anything, from windsurfing to kale. In a romantic relationship, there is, or at least should be, the profound joy that comes from being known; that familiarity, though, can make a body feel loathe to change, afraid of eye rolls or "You do not!"'s from those closest to him. There needs to be room, in your relationship, in every relationship, for him to say, "This is going to sound crazy, but maybe we could..."
Stop by the grocery store or bakery on your way home and pick up his favorite treat. Book a weekend away together. Give him a massage when he gets home. It's not always the job of a man to do these kinds of things. As a dedicated wife, you must surprise your husband and remind him of the fun woman he fell in love with. Believe me; he will appreciate the gesture and be thrilled that you did something so thoughtful.
I think your question, Katie, is good snapshot of most questions I get on this blog: some form of “I’m dissatisfied with my boyfriend. Should I stay or should I go?” The thing is that he may have the biggest heart in the world, but if he’s perpetually unemployed, a serial cheater, a drug addict, a commitmentphobe, or a terrible communicator, it really doesn’t matter how much you love him. I would say the same thing about a guy who is depressed. It’s not that he’s not worthy of love, but at a certain point, you have to ask if this is the life you want to lead: waiting for days for him to emerge from his self-imposed cocoon while you try to act like everything’s normal. I think there are enough quality people out there who are NOT this way that you don’t have to accept that from a relationship. I’ve written this before and gotten a little bit of blowback on it.
Every human heart is like a vessel. It longs to be filled to full capacity, but it can only be filled satisfactorily by the love of God. If your spouse’s heart is not complete by a relationship with Jesus then they will always be lacking. For a time they may try to fill that void with you, and when that doesn’t work they may try to fill it with pornography or even with another woman. This is not your fault, and we as women must realize this. 
If you’re married to a good man and you’re unhappy – or bored, unfulfilled, grumpy – the problem isn’t your husband. You already know that he’s not the reason you’re unhappy. You know your marriage is fine, if not the most exciting relationship on earth. You know there’s something more to life, but you can’t put your finger on it. So, you look to the most important person in your life for answers: your husband.
I have even chatted with you name it and I have done it. Been there done that. Things online are virtual as long as they stay online. The internet is a fairytale land where people can be who they want to be or can’t be in real life. In some cases some are delusional enought to believe it all. When it comes to real life meetings that’s when things change. If you are not ready to stand on your own two feet with money in pocket,a job,and a place to move to, I would not be thinking of leaving. I would be thinking of becoming independent enough to get to your destination beyond the door. As thin as your husbands excuse is, it might actually be true and harmless. In any case visualize your life seperate and independant. If this works for you and you can do it then have at it. Just be prepared by thinking about it because many believe once you move out there is no moving back in.
Despite the straying of your spouse you are still beautiful, and just because he doesn’t want you, this doesn’t make you undesirable. You’re still a beautiful child of the King. You’re an injured bird, but this doesn’t mean you can no longer fly. You can heal, and you can move forward in your marriage. You can move forward in forgiveness, and you can have a wonderful relationship. 

If leaving is not an option because of your pregnancy or beliefs, then you need to figure out how to be happy in your marriage situation. I guess that means not expecting your husband’s family to change, and deciding that you want to stay married and raise your children in his parents’ home. If you can’t leave, and you can’t change your husband or his family, then you need to change yourself so you can be happy.


When you talk about his friends, point out their good qualities, and it will build positive relationships between you and them. If your boyfriend feels like you don’t like his friends, he will feel like he has to choose between you and them, and that is not a fun feeling. So keep him happy and if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Men can be sometimes so hard to decode and it can be a problem because we all want to make our man happy. That is why I honestly recommend this amazing book by James Bauer that literally changed my life. Believe me, after reading this you will both get so much closer and, hopefully, will end up tying the knot. That is what happened to me and my man!

Make a list of the positive qualities you have that you are proud of and that he is lucky to have you for. Magazines have encouraged women to compare their looks to other women in a very biased way. If you find yourself asking how you look often, it will come off as desperate. Men love a woman that is confident with who she is naturally, and you have no reason to obsess over how you look.

I can’t tell you if you made the right decision, but I do encourage you to think of your long-term happiness (and health — because it’s stressful and unhealthy to be the sole income earner in your marriage like you were!). Keep your life and relationship goals at the forefront of your mind: do you want to live with a man like your husband for the rest of your life? Can you envision yourself supporting him and your household bills all alone — is that what you want your life to look like?
“Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint,” writes Lisitsa on Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. “The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack: it is an attack on your husband at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his whole being when you criticize.”
I heard from a wife who said: “the other day, my husband said that he needed to be honest with me about something very important. I thought he was going to tell me that he lost his job or that we were struggling financially.  But I was completely wrong.  And I was completely blindsided when he said that although he still loves me, he is not happy being married to me.  I was in so much shock, I couldn’t even get out a decent response.  He said he felt that I deserved to know the truth about this.  He never said what he intends to do about it.  So I’m still not sure why he would even tell me this unless he’s trying to warn me that he is getting ready to file for a divorce.  I know that I need to ask him to clarify all of this, but the idea of him further telling me why and how he’s not happy is almost more than I can bear.  What do men really mean when they say that they love you but aren’t happily married to you?”

My boyfriend says that he is not happy anymore. He said that he hasn't been in a long time, and that he feels that he doesnt know if he can handel the responsibilities that come along with being in a relationship. He said that he loves me, he is in love with me but that he needs a few days to figure things out. For now, he doesnt want to break up. He is not cheating on me, or interested in dating other women. He said " I dont know if I can handle being with anyone, but if I can I want to be with you".
Detach with love. Sometimes people are simply toxic by nature, a fact that often dawns on others around them only after time. Sometimes people refuse to take steps to make themselves feel better. As a result, sometimes you have to love them from a distance. This can be an intensely difficult decision, but sometimes it's the right one. Give yourself permission to entertain the thought and consider it seriously if consider it seriously you should.
Loyalty to your partner is a tricky issue, especially when they show weakness. Humans are not so far removed from the laws of the jungle. The best I can say is to treat others the way you want to be treated. Don’t be a self sacrificing altruist if that is not who you are or who you present yourself to be. That should lessen the guilt. That said, I’d feel depressed if I abandoned someone like that. And later in life, if I were to fall into similiar circumstances, I might  experience an intense insecurity or paranoia about having my partner do that to me. It might add to my moodiness, further exacerbating the situation until the prophecy is self fulfilled. That would be karma transmitting my suffering. We live in a society. We share the consequences of everyone’s actions. I don’t understand it when people say that happiness is an individual responsibility.
You know him well so you can instantly recognize when he`s in a bad mood. If he looks sad then he`s not happy and that`s clear. We all have those mood swings, but not each day. If your man is in a bad mood every single day and you can’t do anything to boost his mood, it’s a warning sign. Find out the reason and try to help your man cope with rough times. If it’s you who spoils his mood, then probably it’s time to leave him alone.
My husband also told me that he wasn’t happy in our marriage.  Unfortunately, I took no action and didn’t take this all that seriously.  As a result, we separated and almost divorced.  I wish I had handled it differently because I had a lot of catching up to do.  Luckily, I finally stumbled upon some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com
If something comes up with his work schedule and he has to stay for a late meeting, don't freak. Yeah, sure, he missed dinner (again), but at least he is calling and letting you know. From time to time, things will come up where you will be disappointed. Don't overreact, take a deep breathe and understand. Try to not take things personally, as your husband is already stressed out enough from those types of situations.
In all fairness I have an anger problem too so this is not all his fault. Plus I know I can be really mean especially when reminded of my past so I am by no means innocent in this fiasco marriage. What steps should hubby and I take to improve our marriage? I really do love him but I want my needs to get met as well. My mom even said that the way she sees our relationship is that everything is always about him. He is the type of person that when I say I’m feeling bad he says me too but I feel worse than you. I was throwing up in the bathroom and he was amused and ignored me. I also had a bad flu and he told me to go make pizzas. There is so much more but this post has been long enough. He has good qualities too so what should I do? Sorry for the long post and thanks. Oh and he is a lot older than me if that helps.
Remember when you and your husband first starting dating? You were the carefree woman who laughed and flirted? Life's stress can really take a toll on a relationship, and sometimes we forget to laugh. Flirt with your husband. Tell stupid jokes. Reminisce about funny things that happened. Life can't always be fun and games, but let it be sometimes. Keep the humor going between the two of you and keep things funny and fun.
I am having a very serious issue. I met my husband online and after developing a good relationship, I met him in person. After 2 years of courtship we recently got married. He is very patient, understanding, kind- hearted guy. But, I am not at all happy with him. He is everything a girl wants, that’s what my friend says, but I think he is not made for me.
I am a 60 year old female who has been married for 27 years. Six years ago I was let go from my job after 18 years of service (I worked with my husband). A year later I became really depressed and physically ill. I was later told that I had Major Depressive disorder and fibromyalgia. It was at this point my marriage troubles started. My husband began coming home from work each night and verbally abusing me to the point that I had considered suicide. Fortunately I got help through a therapist about that but my husband continued to berate me with words like your not sick just lazy, (the list goes on). Tried lots of marriage fixing such as counseling, (he would not go) to exercise, yoga etc. Fast forward to the present. I got on a new medication and following the advice of my therapist started going out with friends more and during one of these outings I got the chance to start working doing promotion work within the music industry. During this work I made new friends and one of whom I became fairly close with advised me to try again with my marriage. Oh my husband gives me such a hard time about my new found job and friends. I now see that what I want out of this prison called my marriage but I am fearful about being alone at my age. What will happen if I get really sick again or just end up being alone all the time, I’m scared and need advice from someone who is not so close to the trees, if you get my drift. Signed Really confused.
i have been married for 3 years and we just recently seperated and i know its my fault. i couldnt let go of the fact that she lied to me about sleeping with someone even when i asked her before we got married if she need to tell me anything. when she told me last october what had happened i felt as if our marriage was false and i always threw it in her face. Now reality has set in and i would rather change my ways and get her back then to be mad at her for the past and be lonely but i dont know how she feels. Because from october untill she left we fought everyday and i know its my fault what should i do?
I welcome your thoughts on these signs your marriage is over. I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling, but you may find it helpful to share what you’re going through. Writing is one of the best ways to gain clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings and sort through your thoughts. And, your experience will show other women they’re not alone.
Thank you for the post. Husband of 17 yrs td me two days ago he was not happy with anything, ever. Told me today he is moving out in two days to “work on himself”. He told our 15 yr old that he had been thinking about it for a long time. I feel worthless and unloved. I feel like this is the end. He was almost giddy while telling me about the place he is moving(way nicer than our place). I’m not perfect but I always fought for our marriage – through his alcoholism, his “emotional” infidelity, his constant changing jobs, his depression and mood swings. I always fought for us. Now I feel like a fool and wonder when “us” stopped for him. I feel blindsided!
“It may be difficult to face the issues that you and your spouse are struggling with, but research suggests that couples who can manage to stay together usually end up happier down the road than couples who divorce,” writes Dr. Deborah Hecker on Should You Divorce or Save Your Marriage? “If partners choose to invest in their relationship and make needed changes instead of repeating their mistakes, they might be able to avoid an unnecessary divorce. And if they do finally decide to divorce, their personal work in couples therapy might increase their chance of a successful marriage next time.”

Before I go any further, allow me to acknowledge a few things: unhappy and moody are not exactly the same. “Moody” sounds temporary, where “unhappy” is chronic. Then again, if your boyfriend consistently finds himself in a bad mood, I’m not sure how different it is from being unhappy. If it sounds like I’m familiar with the condition, it’s because, from 20-30 years old, I was always somewhere between unhappy/moody/anxious. I dated a LOT in that time and while there were many stretches where I could get by on charm, I could never mask my perpetual dissatisfaction with my career. Women would take a chance on me, but either I was a total downer or I was so unhappy that I’d choose an unsuitable woman just because she was there. Both are recipes for failed relationships.


See if they take your requests seriously. If they don't make continued effort over a period of a month. Ask them if they have decided that they cannot or will not make an investment in the way you have asked for. If they say yes, then ask if there was some misunderstanding or information they lacked to make progress. If they say yes then revisit that discussion. If no (or if that lack has been addressed) then ask them if there is something they would like to tell you about their needs that perhaps you might not be meeting (remember this is key: you want to raise the standard of your relationship not of one partner’s relational skill set).
What about those that married and dreamed to have children and 4 years into the marriage you find out your wife will not be able to bear any of your children because of medical reasons and she has one of her own who is a teenager (girl) living in the household. The wife is not up for adopting and now she is like if you decide to leave she will understand because she has a child from a previous marriage and she understands a bond that a parent has and the father may never get to have that. The father can't stand to watch anything on TV where a family has a child or movies that reference a family with kids on it for awhile because he believes their lives are filled with so much happiness of taking care of a kid of their own blood. So...what... stay or leave.
I know exactly what this woman is talking about.  I’m dating a man where I feel like I’m losing my skill at bantering, and frankly, I find his ‘humor’ often to be not very complimentary.  I want someone who ‘gets’ me and vice versa.  Otherwise, it’s an awfully long time to live day in and day out with someone and/or needing to get this ‘need’ met from outside the marriage (and I don’t mean CHEATING).
I agree with Evan’s assessment but also want to bring another question to the table after reading her letter.  Humor is important, and it’s obviously very important to the letter writer, but could it also be her way of providing herself with an ‘out’?   She mentioned that she ended her previous long-term relationships.  Could her current relationship be great and heading towards the next phase and that’s what’s causing her to all of the sudden focus intensely on his ‘lack of humor’?   I did this to my relationships to sabotage them from moving forward because I was too nervous, unwilling, etc. to risk going there.  Thankfully I realized that before it was too late and am in a great relationship now because of it.  But before, when it started getting serious, I’d start focusing on something that all of a sudden became a ‘deal-breaker’ that wasn’t one before.
This point is similar to the previous: you cannot give what you don’t have. If you’re not happy, it’s not very likely that person by your side will be that way either. I’m not saying you should always feel awesome or hide the negative feelings you have. Life can be difficult, and we should express and share all of our feelings. I’m talking about grumpiness and everyday dissatisfaction. That’s not fun, and we should do our best to save our loved ones and ourselves also from that kind of behavior which is the simple result of one thing only – ungratefulness.
But if you look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, possessions are at the bottom. We need certain things to survive - food, shelter, clothing, but after that possessions don't actually increase the meaningfulness of our lives, and we need to start looking elsewhere: friendships, intimacy, and goals that serve a greater good beyond our own self interest.
Loyalty to your partner is a tricky issue, especially when they show weakness. Humans are not so far removed from the laws of the jungle. The best I can say is to treat others the way you want to be treated. Don’t be a self sacrificing altruist if that is not who you are or who you present yourself to be. That should lessen the guilt. That said, I’d feel depressed if I abandoned someone like that. And later in life, if I were to fall into similiar circumstances, I might  experience an intense insecurity or paranoia about having my partner do that to me. It might add to my moodiness, further exacerbating the situation until the prophecy is self fulfilled. That would be karma transmitting my suffering. We live in a society. We share the consequences of everyone’s actions. I don’t understand it when people say that happiness is an individual responsibility.
I read this with an open mind and heart and I had a guy I loved dearly he was very moody, and he ran hot and cold. what  eventually happened was I had to let go he refuse to  get help and all he was doing was dragging me in his funk, I could not do it. I love him still to this day, but I love me MORE!! YOU can’t fix, repair or coddle anyone with severe issues, it’s not your job, he found someone and married her did he get the help he needed.. NO!! it;s such a vicious cycle..
My bf’s moodiness came out after 3 months. I was shocked thinking “what is this? ?”. Then it happened more and more often. Walking on eggshells. .he does go to therapy but unfortunately I don’t think it works. He had a traumatic childhood. He acknowledges he’s depressed and takes medication but he will not admit to being moody. I’m so happy go lucky and laid back that at first I just thought I could pull him out of his moods no problem. But after a while it became exhausting and I realized this was his job not mine. It’s tough-never really goes away. I do love him but if I had known this from the beginning I’d have moved on. Also he wants me with him 24/7. So giving him space doesn’t even work.

Hello my friend. It seems that social skills seem to be a problem with many people. I used to have those problems. The truth is that they are truly “skills”. You have to build confidence around approaching others and general conversation. This can be done with a simple excersise: next time you go on the street, say hello to every person that you see. It may be nerve racking at first, but after a while, it will ease your overall anxiety around approaching people. I highly recommend reading “how to win friends and influence people by dale Carnegie” if you… Read more »
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