A sign that your husband is unhappy is if he shuts down and doesn't seem to care about anything. If in the past the two of you used to argue about something, but now all he does is shrug and say "whatever," this could be a sign that he has given up and no longer feels emotionally invested in the marriage. Going hand in hand with this is that your husband might appear to have no life left in his eyes or spirit in his voice.
When you talk about his friends, point out their good qualities, and it will build positive relationships between you and them. If your boyfriend feels like you don’t like his friends, he will feel like he has to choose between you and them, and that is not a fun feeling. So keep him happy and if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Thank you, Alex, for your prompt response! Yes, I can see in my husband a world of hunger...never quite getting what he wants to make him happy. Sadly, I haven't helped - he wants to spend a lot of money on a new recliner so he can read his books. I ask him if it will make him happy, and he says yes, and alas, of course, in due time, it does not, which really shouldn't surprise me.
I don't think he is or would have an affair. I think that he still wants to try to have a sucessful and happy marriage, but neither one of us is certain how to accompllish it. He doesn't like to share his feelings with me until he can't handle them anymore. He told me that at the point when he finally does tell me, he says he is never sure how I'll react. After he tells me, he says he ends up feeling guilty ( I'm a very easy crier) and then wishes he had kept his mouth shut. I do have depression, and have been this way since we met, so this is nothing he didn't know. He also expressed that he's been feeling very cynical and angry towards me for reasons he can't explain. For example- I am directionally challenged (driving directions). On a recent trip he got mad that I had us going in circles. When I told him that getting mad at me was not going to make me better at reading a map, he took the map and curtily showed me where we were, etc. He used that recent experience as an example of how his attitude toward me has changed. I just don't know what to do. He's right- personalities don't change, and I now realize that our relationship isn't where it was two years ago. I love him so much and am ready to fight (figuratively speaking) to make our marriage stronger from this experience.
Ashley, I’m going through a similar situation. Two weeks ago my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me over Facebook messenger while I was at work. I went out to my car on my lunch break to call him and he said he wasn’t happy anymore and doesn’t know what he wants. It completely came out of nowhere. The last couple of weeks he seemed distance but I didn’t think much of it. I never saw it coming. We’ve been through so much together and his family and I were very close. I think about him everyday and have nightmares about him being with someone else. Everyone keeps telling me that he wasn’t right for me and I’ll find someone else but I don’t want anyone else. My heart hurts so much. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact it’s over. Someone who I thought I trusted and told everything to is gone just like that. My chest hurts I wish I could sleep away the pain.
I believe you Scott and I’m a woman. Mine won’t take meds or even go for counseling. He has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and living with him is a LIVING NIGHTMARE…NOTHING IS EVER GOID ENOUGH OR HIS FAULT…I CANT TAKE IT….AND THIS COMMUNICATING CRAP….YOU CANT COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE WHO LIES TO YOU AND THEN TELLS YOU THAT YOU MADE HIM DO IT!! HANG IN THERE AND TAKE HER MONEY AWAY…NO JOB…NO MONEY…SHE HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS!
Well, if so, call them out on it. "Don't take the bait," she says. "Be honest with the person and ask what's really going on. If you're not getting an adequate answer, but the nitpicking and nastiness continues, inform this person … 'You don't have to hate a person to get out of a relationship, so let's cut to the chase: Do you want out of the relationship? Then just say so.'" Way to call a spade a spade.
I would have gone to the ends of the earth for this man and stayed forever, if he had been willing to work on his issues.  But in the end, you cannot force a grown man to do that if that is not what they want for themselves.  Should you subject yourself to yet more emotional torture and hurt whilst they spiral ever downwards?  What is the use of two people’s lives being destroyed? Very often it is the tough love in this world that has motivated those people to get help and improve, not the silent suffering of those they love.  Moreover, I don’t believe people with serious issues necessarily want to hurt those close to them – so I actually think calling a halt to the madness can be a kindness for all.
i am also going through the same, the man I have been with for 7 years going to 8 just left me and we just had a baby. he treats me so bad to an extent that I just see it as normal. when he is happy I should be happy but when he is unhappy he also wants me to be happy, he swears at me today and the next day he tells me he loves me. I know they say you should fight for what you believe in and fight 4 your man but after he just decided to leave me without no reason , I have just decided to stop believing and just focus on my own happiness, you can love someone so bad but sometimes love is not enough when it makes you miserable, love is supposed to make you happy.
HELP! My Husband told me a few months ago that He loves me but isnt happy and hasnt been for over a year. I dont know what to do. I never saw any of the signs. Im 24 and hes 33. i always wondered y the sex started coming so seldomly. like once every 3-4 months now were going on 6months. He work si dont. i stay home with our 4 year old. I make sure the house is clean. set his clothes out for day and night. do laundry cook dinner serve him his plate so that he doesnt have to do it all. i pamper him i guess is the word. rub his feet tell him that he is handsome and sexy all the time. but.... i never get any attention at all! every day i cant wait till bed time because thats the only time he holds me. ive tried everything to get him happy again, being nicer then giving space, but nothing works. Im at my witts end! he doesnt want counseling, he doesnt want to try ANYTHING. im completely and hoplessly stuck. i dont know what im going to do... HELP PLEASE.... im desperate.
I also pray for acceptance, wisdom, and guidance for you. May you seek God’s heart in all the decisions you make about your marriage and your future. May you accept His will, His desires, and His guidance for your life. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but God does. I pray that you can rely on Him, turn to Him, and lean on Him – even if you believe you have all the signs your marriage is over. I pray for health, for healing, for restoration in your life. I pray that you find hope and faith, and that you open your heart to any possibility that God might bring you. Be open, be willing to follow His will even if it’s painful. Give your marriage to God, and He will strengthen and uphold you no matter what happens.
"People do not experience love in the same way, and if you're not speaking your partner's 'love language', that can result in great unhappiness. Dr. Gary Chapman detailed the five different love languages to help couples learn and speak the language of their spouse — those languages are quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gift giving. Learning to speak a partners' love language has saved many marriages." —Kim Olver, relationship coach and author of Secrets of Happy Couples
"I think it's very important for people to recognize that there are very few things that cannot be worked on in a relationship, and even repaired and resolved," Walfish says. (Think about how many couples can even work past cheating). But if a partner isn’t willing to work on improving your relationship, that’s a clear sign of trouble. After all, she says, "working on a relationship requires two willing participants. That means both partners have to be open to looking at their own stuff."
Life does not revolve around one’s self. The pursuit of your own happiness could be selfish if you cannot confess to yourself that you, as a human, will never be perfect. Picking at petty likes and dislikes in a partner is silly and frankly your looking for reasons to be unhappy. Count your blessings, not your burdens. I love that my partner has her own likes, her own talents, her own music, her own routine. Because I fully support who she is, everything she is. And if one day she decides she no longer wants to be with me, all she has to do is be honest and tell me to my face. I would let her go. In the end arguing and pointing fingers is just smashing the whole idea of marriage anyway. In my opinion marriage is overrated. I would never want my parnter to feel like she is bound to me. Because we are born free and we die free. If someone cheated on you, its a favor. Live your life and move on. I would never cheat on my partner, hurt her, yell at her, make her feel insignificant, simply because I dont want to go out of my way to hurt the persons feelings I vowed my life to. I would take a bullet for her, and I wouldnt ever hold it against her if she wouldnt do the same for me. We are all individuals, who desire specific things, emotions, reactions. If my partner is being distant, depressed, sad, I gladly lift her chin and do what I can to make it better. Dont lie to yourselves, or your parnter. You know if the love is there. If its not, you will only cause pain to others because of your inability to face up. Nothing in a relationship is easy. Though nothing in life is easy. When the going gets tough in life do you end it? The bond two people can share in this life is amazing. I have had a tough road with my partner for our own reasons, but I gave up all my wants, all my needs to serve my partner when she needed me most. The outcome is a strong bond that no one can shake. I am writing this in hopes that maybe one person will read this and get something from it. I am far from perfect. But the first person I point fingers at when a problem arises is myself. Only when there are no skeletons in your own closet can you truly judge what a partner is right and wrong for doing.
I have asked him numerous times to go to marriage counseling, even telling him once that I thought he should go to anger management. Sadly, he has no respect for therapy or therapists in general...the derogatory comments make me sad. Since I majored in Psych and Education, I asked him what he respects about me, since he makes fun of my Educ background and he doesn't believe in or respect Psych. He told me he respects the way I raise our daughter and my baking. During that discussion, I told him I was going to go to counseling one way or another. We had a stare-down and he asked me why I thought I needed to go. I told him I just did. I emailed him a passage on psychotherapy and wrote: You asked me why go to counseling, here are some thoughts. I will be making an appointment to go hopefully this week and would love it if you want to join me, but understand if you don't want to. If nothing else, I want to get my ducks in a row so I can raise our daughter in the best way possible! Let me know if you'd like to come with me...A week ago, I told him I went to my first counseling session and I'd love it if you want to join me for the next one. He said, Haven't we already had this conversation? I said, yes. I just wanted to let you know that I went. He said, Great. What's this going to cost us? I then told him I had 5 free sessions and then we'd have to pay, then I chatted with our daughter and that was the end of that...

So, you need to figure out if you’re just going through the normal ups and downs of marriage…or if you’re truly not in love with him. How do you do that? You could try individual counseling, couples therapy, or even Mort Fertel’s “alternative to therapy” (a friend of mine LOVES how Fertel coaches marriages — his ad is at the end of my article above).
Actually, it can be, if you make it that way. But, if you do so, be sure that the only thing your couple will think about is how to break free. If we want a marriage based on love, not fear, we should leave the space for both of us to breathe and expand. Freedom doesn’t mean doing whatever comes to your mind. You two know what is a part of your deal. But you want your husband to respect the deal because of love, not because he has no other options. Don’t make him choose between you and everything else. Love gives us wings, fear tides us in chains. You choose which one you’re gonna base your marriage on.
After reading all this I just had to post my story in a short paragraph , I been with my boyfriend 4 years and half . We had a baby not so long ago he just turned one . And he’s telling me he’s not in love with me anymore that he just wants to be free and explore the world after we had plans of getting married we had almost everything planned out . We had our ups and down but that’s any relationship . And am here just thinking my baby is just 1 year old and I wanted him to grow in a family something that I never had , and I guess he won’t either . He tells me everyday he doesn’t want to try but it’s just so hard I always end up going back to him but he refuses me and it just hurts I feel I need to give me my place but I always end up going to him …..
Thank you, Alex, for your prompt response! Yes, I can see in my husband a world of hunger...never quite getting what he wants to make him happy. Sadly, I haven't helped - he wants to spend a lot of money on a new recliner so he can read his books. I ask him if it will make him happy, and he says yes, and alas, of course, in due time, it does not, which really shouldn't surprise me.

But you did none of those things that my ex did. You tried. You talked to your boyfriend. You discussed these issues with him. You say you tried to get him to seek out help. I would’ve been so thankful if my ex had treated me like you treated yours. And I would’ve probably responded with positive changes. The fact that your ex didn’t, means you did the right thing by walking out. There’s only so much you can do to help your partner heal when they are not cooperating in any way. I wish you quick recovery and complete healing in getting through this post-breakup stage, which is indeed very hard.
The first thing you should do before speaking to your partner is finding out why you are unhappy. Once you are able to tell your boyfriend you are unhappy, you two can talk about what has to be done in order for you to be happy. You may catch your partner off guard when you bring up the situation, so try to be the bigger person and avoid getting into a big fight. Make sure not to leave anything out when you have this conversation as you want your boyfriend to fully understand what led to this. After everything is out in the open, ask your boyfriend what he wants, tell him what you want, and get closure. Don't let this situation drag on for months, find a solution as soon as possible.
I’m thankful to have found this in good timing as it’s exactly what my confusion needs. My guy just shut me out last week and I was in complete silence and darkness for 3 days. Finally, I pleaded with him in a text msg to say something, anything because I was trying not to worry about him. He responded with an apology and said he needs time to work on himself. I accept and respect this and I’m giving him his space. But why is it on us women to understand and accept whatever his terms are? Can’t it be understood that we as women want to help? Maybe giving him space is the only way to help? This makes me feel worthless when my natural role is to offer him comfort and nurture him. When does my role count for anything? When HE feels ready? Is this all about HIM? I guess it is when real love forgets “self”… I won’t sit around and wait for him but I won’t forget about him, either. May clear and calm thoughts be with you all!
I have dear friends and family for whom drugs worked wonderfully. They really are completely different in how they experience life, how they interpret events, how they interact with everyone and how they imagine life in the long term. Even temperament is changed because they sleep better and can actually recall positive experience. Without that ability life is just one long endless shit buffet: all the shit you can eat till you die.
Unfortunately, too many women I know get married and somehow, perhaps unconsciously, expect their husbands to make them happy. When things get hard — and they always do — rather than looking inward at where they may be at fault, too many women point the finger toward their partners. They blame him (or her) for the problems in their relationship. “If he would just pay more attention to me our marriage would be great!” or “If she would just help more around the house, things would be so much better.”
I absolutely love your tips. They are all so true. Sometimes as married women we have to give and take to make our relationships work for ourselves and our children. It is difficult sometimes when you think that you are the only one being considerate and making an effort, but sometimes that's what it takes when you really love your man. There is really no point arguing all the time. This will only cause misery and hatred in the relationship. I personally love being sexy for my husband. I aslo respect him, take care of the house and cook although I do not really like to cook. Doing these things make me feel like a stronger woman; like I am able to take care of myself and my family.
"A major source of unhappiness is taking the focus off the relationship and putting it on cruise control to focus on careers, children, extended families, and community work instead of shared time together. Couples need to keep an active engagement with the romance, friendship, and fun that led them to their initial attraction and excitement about being together. They can't assume that connection will remain unless they put time and energy into keeping it alive." —Jefferson A. Singer, Ph.D., co-author of Positive Couple Therapy, Dean of the College of Psychology, Connecticut College

On the issue of why did it took so long.  One possibility could be that he has a one dimensional sense of humor.  I have a friend that I thought was hilarious when I first met him.  But over time I noticed it was the same jokes over and over again.  It started to become predictable and not so funny.  I guess it would kind of be like dating a guy that never graduated potty jokes.  Might be funny at first but starts getting old after a while.

I would have gone to the ends of the earth for this man and stayed forever, if he had been willing to work on his issues.  But in the end, you cannot force a grown man to do that if that is not what they want for themselves.  Should you subject yourself to yet more emotional torture and hurt whilst they spiral ever downwards?  What is the use of two people’s lives being destroyed? Very often it is the tough love in this world that has motivated those people to get help and improve, not the silent suffering of those they love.  Moreover, I don’t believe people with serious issues necessarily want to hurt those close to them – so I actually think calling a halt to the madness can be a kindness for all.
IN any case, the past couple of days have crystalized the notion that my marriage is over. And these affairs are not what brought it down.People often confuse the cause and the pretext. World War I did not start because some random guy shot some czar or a king, but that was a pretext. Affairs start after marriage breaks down and that is how some partners look for a way out. Our marriage broke down becuase of other reasons, not because of these affairs.
known my wife 50 yes been married 43, Can’t stand to talk to her,eat with her be around her.I have so much animosity toward her I get ill just looking at her. For the last 20yrs its like talking to wall.She never does what she says she will do. I feel like i have been beating a dead horse.Try everything to save marriage but nothing has worked So now I have shut down.We are just existing together.We got married at the age of 21 me and her 19.Tried to have affair felt to guilty could not perform.No sex or contact of any kind just passing time. Lord how it ever get this screwed up.

Do you remember the time at the beginning of a relationship when you were talking all night and still it was too little for you? He also misses it. Of course, when children appear in your world, they become an important part of the life and conversation, and yet fathers love their offspring. Just do not let this to be the only thing that will bother you. Do not forget that the relationship has to motivate and turn to action. And regardless of your duties, you should talk about what you like, what you plan and what you enjoy.
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Offer your support and listen if he wants to talk. Provide your boyfriend with an outlet for his moodiness, such as a night with the guys or a day that he can spend doing something he enjoys without interruption. Suggest that you participate in a recreational activity together several times a week, as this can ease your boyfriend’s stress and anxiety.
A sign that your husband is unhappy is if he shuts down and doesn't seem to care about anything. If in the past the two of you used to argue about something, but now all he does is shrug and say "whatever," this could be a sign that he has given up and no longer feels emotionally invested in the marriage. Going hand in hand with this is that your husband might appear to have no life left in his eyes or spirit in his voice.
There are great women out there and great relationships that have been built. I feel that with the lack of time that is spent on each other in a relationship due to career interests and working all the time; marriage just dwindles down to staying together for our kids. Emotionally manipulative and to spend the rest of my life trying to figure the emotional puzzle out…no way. Life is way too short to live in misery and having to be attached to the opposite sex. I have to re-build myself again for I just have no interest in continuing on in this relationship. I don’t regret the time spent for there were good times. We rarely argued and were never verbally abusive. One thing I can state is that my wife is a controller and I just have had enough with being the 4th child in our Family. I don’t want to be married to my mother anymore:) I have lost an emotional attachment to my wife and I understand that it is important for her when it comes to a relationship that I just cannot provide.
"Sex can be a major source of unhappiness in a marriage. Married folks often make the mistake of having sex only in bed in their bedroom, which turns it into a very routine and monotonous act. They can also often blame each other for being different in bed. But I find that different sexual personalities make the best couples. Instead of getting frustrated, they need to put things in perspective and work together to find a solution that makes them both happy." —Svetlana Kogan, M.D.
When your husband is feeling under the weather, take care of him. Don't make fun of him because he's acting like a baby. Most likely, he is acting like a baby, but let him know you are there for him. Make him his favorite meal, go to the store to get medicine, and let him watch his favorite TV show. In the same respect, if he is just having a crappy day, give him his space and let him know that you are there for him if he needs you.
While conflict is inevitable in any relationship, it doesn't mean that if you or your spouse is currently unhappy, the marriage is doomed. "If someone is unhappy, it is a great wake up call and a chance to create a new marriage by investigating the old," explained Hope. "If you learn to embrace pain and conflict as a spiritual push for greater potential, then you won't freak out in times of madness and conflict."
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