My husband of 9 years cheated on me. He says he doesn’t want to loose me and loves me, but has feelings for the other person. He ended it with her,but she keeps texting him. He says he needs time to get over the affair, but he is didstant from him. I want to work it out with him, he says he does too. How long should I wait for him to get over his feelings for her? Is the marriage saveable if he loves 2 people?
four men came up on that porch expecting my husband to back down instead all four left on gurnys into the back of ambulances, my husband paced around for all of one minute after eliminating those men and looked like a caged tiger until the front door and frame landed on me ten minutes later his father slapped him for his attitude and was himself laid on the ground at a metro officers feet.
Give yourself time to grieve the idea that your boyfriend doesn’t love you or want you in his life anymore. It’s a huge, shocking blow. Don’t gloss over your disappointment, heartache, grief, pain, sadness, and fear. What helps me heal from terrible loss is writing. I write to express my pain. Other women turn to art, music, hiking in the woods or snow, swimming, decluttering the house, or traveling. Even reading can be an effective way to grieve the loss of a boyfriend’s love.
As women, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in raising kids, supporting our husbands, and running our homes-not to mention our careers outside the home! So many of us feel like we don’t even know who we are anymore!  We get bored with the monotony of our lives and start to wonder what else is out there for us. We start to crave excitement and adventure. We wonder what life might have been like if we had stayed single or married someone else.
Jackie H – When I start having to make a pros and cons list, I know it’s time to go.  Once I start dissecting a man in that way, I’ve already lost respect to the point that I can pick him apart like nobody’s business and I already know that the cons list will be long.  Why even bother?  Additionally, I think that, unless the writer is experiencing some other issue, why is she even bringing up, “He’s not funny”?  If they have a good comfort level with each other, that’s what really matters.  It’s seems a mute point to attack him for being not funny enough at this point in the relationship, and imho, like she’s ‘looking” for a reason to leave.  Funny “enough” is one of those things you look at up front, during the dating phase, and if she thought he was funny enough up front, why is she dissecting him like this now.  This says to me there is a larger problem which has nothing to do with “funny” enough. What she’s really saying is that he’s not “enough” of something else….  I like funny but life, in an of itself, is serious business.  And if he is taking care of business, why even go there?  If “is he funny enough” a serious consideration, then no wonder I have such a hard time dating.  Maybe I’m just taking the wrong stuff into consideration.  But hey, if I’m going for really funny, then just give me the best looking guy in the room too!  Geez, at this point, I’d take cute, kind, attentive and caring, a decent job, no big baggage, and someone who actually wants to get to know me with enough chemistry to make some smoldering happen.  That apparently is far too much to ask these days.  If I want some funny, I’ll YouTube my favorite old Eddie Izzard skits. 
Life’s about more than just finding a man. Life is this great journey and it’s not about finding a man. Some of us will find a man along the way and it’ll add to our happiness. Others will stay single and other things will make them just as happy. You can be happy with or without a man. It honestly doesn’t matter. As long as you’re being true to you, you’ll end up happy.
You're in a tough spot. The thing about enabling behavior is that superficially it makes things easier, so people who enable remain attached to doing it. If you decide you shouldn't enable your mom's behavior (and I'm in no position to judge one way or another) it seems to me the key would be becoming confident enough in that decision (out of a genuine and well-considered belief that enabling her behavior isn't in her or your best interests) that you simply—without ever needing to discuss it—stop enabling her behavior. Such a change would of course be met with resistance that you'd need to be prepared for, which is why you must first be absolutely convinced your decision is the right one and then calmly stick to your guns (keeping your own emotions at bay would be key). Good luck.
So, my questions are two. 1. What can I do to help him realize he needs some kind of help? 2. The lack of feeling on my part during sex (which is usually an emotional event for me).. is that an indication that my marriage may be over? I know it is because I don’t trust him right now and haven’t for a long time, but I figured that would just make me guarded, not unfeeling. It felt so wrong and makes me worry.
At the same time, my husband and I started working on PureCouples. We launched the website in 2016, and I started blogging about marriage and relationships more regularly. Blogging made me feel like I had something to contribute to the world beyond changing diapers and doing laundry. People across the world read my blog and found it helpful, and more importantly, I loved the feeling of satisfaction I got from writing. Writing made me feel like my world had clicked into place.
I knew going in that he was jealous – but was sure that it would be something I could live with – he wasn’t over the top, but then that’s exactly what it became. I’ve been accused of flirting, hitting on little 19 year old boys (I’m 38) and having affairs with men I work with, trying to seduce our pastor, etc – I have tried to reassure him, confessed my love for him, and reconfirmed that I was committed to this relationship…but it has spiralled. it’s become abusive – not in the physical sense – but emotional and mental. I have called him names and thrown things, and so has he. We are in counseling and have learned about ‘time-outs’ and the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and I have sincerely been trying to show him and our relationship respect (although I have gotten frustrated and hurt, and called him an a$$$hole through tears, and hung up). He can be very mean to me, and it hurts. I have tried and tried, prayed and prayed – been rebuked, sneered at and ridiculed for turning to supportive friends for guidance. I even see my own counselor, but he doesn’t like that.

You mentioned someone going through a period of suffering in their life that they need time to get through (so this suffering is not permanent) and individuals who might have frequent dips in mood. I have a question about individuals who have a condition they have been affected by for a long time and will probably stay with them for the rest of their life. My mother has had what appears to me to be borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder for the past 23 years since I was born. How much responsibility is placed on the person for their behavior who has difficulty controlling their moods? My mother can obviously control her behavior around strangers (maybe she is around strangers in times of better mood), but I see her take out her emotions, problems, aggressions in private on her caregivers (my grandfather and grandmother). She is not able to take responsibility for her actions at all and is not expected to by her caregivers. Is this appropriate? Is it appropriate to forgive her behavior in every instance? Or to hold her accountable for her actions? Should her rude behavior, explosive emotions, inability to listen be excused as something she has no control over? Or should the person be held accountable for certain aspects of her behavior? This is difficult for me to deal with because my emotions in response to her behavior when I am around her get discounted by my grandparents because they use the model where she "is not able to control herself at all so she must be forgiven in all circumstances". Is this model of forgiving every circumstance appropriate? Thank your for your response.
One of the most common things that can lead to frustration in a husband is the lack of intimacy. As time goes on, the passion of course will subside in a relationship, but it’s important that you both are on the same page in terms of what you need in order to feel physically satisfied with each other. If one partner wants to feel romance and passion and the other wants a platonic agreement… Well, you see how that could create some tension.

Thank you for your reply. I have brought up the possibility with my grandfather about how my mother is capable of controlling her behavior around us but he chooses to believe that she does not have control over her actions. My grandmother also does not want to talk about the topic since this is the way she has chosen to view her daughter's behavior (having no control) and has for a long time. I have brought it up before and at the risk of having a fight I have not chosen to bring it up with her again. I remember trying to talk about the subject in high school and it was something not to be talked about, so I left the subject when I left for college for the past five years. Now I am back home while looking for work and I am faced with the same situation.


It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to disentangle our mood from a loved one's mood without swinging too far in the other direction, becoming disinterested and emotionally cut off as a means of self-preservation. Living with an unhappy person is, in many ways, like living with someone who's ill: the illness is theirs, but the experience belongs to the caregiver as well. Thinking of a loved one's unhappiness as an illness brings to mind some points I made in an earlier post, The Caregiver's Manifesto, that, in modified form, may apply:

So, you need to figure out if you’re just going through the normal ups and downs of marriage…or if you’re truly not in love with him. How do you do that? You could try individual counseling, couples therapy, or even Mort Fertel’s “alternative to therapy” (a friend of mine LOVES how Fertel coaches marriages — his ad is at the end of my article above).


It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to disentangle our mood from a loved one's mood without swinging too far in the other direction, becoming disinterested and emotionally cut off as a means of self-preservation. Living with an unhappy person is, in many ways, like living with someone who's ill: the illness is theirs, but the experience belongs to the caregiver as well. Thinking of a loved one's unhappiness as an illness brings to mind some points I made in an earlier post, The Caregiver's Manifesto, that, in modified form, may apply:
Give yourself time to grieve the idea that your boyfriend doesn’t love you or want you in his life anymore. It’s a huge, shocking blow. Don’t gloss over your disappointment, heartache, grief, pain, sadness, and fear. What helps me heal from terrible loss is writing. I write to express my pain. Other women turn to art, music, hiking in the woods or snow, swimming, decluttering the house, or traveling. Even reading can be an effective way to grieve the loss of a boyfriend’s love.
Me and my husband are best friends/soulmates. We have been married for 16 years and talk about things all the time. To my horror a few weeks ago i found out that he did not go on the business trip that he told me he was going on, he checked into a hotel and spent a couple of nights on his own, he worked during the day, to think about his future. He did not expect me to find out, he wanted to look at his life to see if he needed to change anything in it, life’s too short and all that. You can imagine i was mortified and have found it really hard to believe him now, i feel i am constantly checking up on him, asking him questions. He goes out once a week with his friends and comes in at 2am, i have asked him if there is anyone else and he says no, why do i jump to that conclusion he says. We have been really good friends and confidents but the love life has not been really there for years now, i have talked to him about it and he said that if both of us are happy about the lack of sex then that is fine. To be honest, i lost my mojo years ago too, only occasionally i feel like it, if i initiate sex, he never turns me away but he never initiates it ever himself. How long do i carry on with the questions/mistrust etc? It is tearing me apart, i feel like i am obsessed with where he is and who he is with, he knows i am upset about it but still goes out regardless. We do go out as a couple on other nights too.
I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was around 8 weeks, and before this I would always talk about babies, and my boyfriend would always say it wasn't the right time. When we found out I was pregnant he was shocked at first and was adamant that we couldn't keep it (I told him there and then that I would be keeping the baby with or without him). We didn't talk about it for a couple of days as I wanted him to process the information in his own way and time, and then after about a week he just turned around and was fine with it haha. I'm now 25weeks, and he's more excited to meet his little girl than I am!
A Marriage Repaired: You can take on your marriage, improve yourself, deal with your children; or look realistically at divorce. There is dignity in making it work. And, there’s dignity in starting fresh for the right reasons. Take a look at Harville Hendrix or John Gottman's work on rehabilitating a marriage. For many, it can be done. Take an active role.

If leaving is not an option because of your pregnancy or beliefs, then you need to figure out how to be happy in your marriage situation. I guess that means not expecting your husband’s family to change, and deciding that you want to stay married and raise your children in his parents’ home. If you can’t leave, and you can’t change your husband or his family, then you need to change yourself so you can be happy.

To be successful in this relationship we recommend you to understand and study a little male psychology. In most cases, our vague intuitions about something are not all correct so it can sometimes be difficult to understand. The truth is, it really can be easy to know what they think. Just believe what he tells you and take it as an honest truth. One of the most important points that we should know about men is that they value loyalty a lot, that is, if we are loyal to our boy this will be worth a lot. Nothing is more attractive to a man than a girl who is honest and positive at all times.
My bf and I have been fighting quite a bit lately. We both are tired of it. But I try and talk to him about our problems so our relationship gets better but he isn’t one to communicate about that. Which only makes it harder to work things out. He then said that he’s not happy with me because all I do is fight with him. Which I do because he never talks about our problems like I said earlier. I then asked why he is with me and he said because he hopes I grow up (as in me not fighting with him) and because he loves me. I just don’t know why he would be with me but not be happy. I then text him this morning telling him that if he’s not happy then break up with me. And then he goes on saying he never said he wasn’t happy.ugh guys can be so confusing.
Twenty years is quite a commitment. Do you have children that just graduated high school or college? Have you let yourself go? Is he having a midlife crisis? Is he healthy? Sometimes people just need their space. Sometimes this will heal, and sometimes this will divide. My initial advice is unless You are looking for an excuse to end it for sure, let it go. Ignore him and go on like he never said a thing. “I told my wife long ago I was leaving, she ignored me” I am still here and faithful to this day.
How can you tell your partner is not thrilled about being together? What are the clues that he or she is unhappy in your relationship? Though there are some outright hints, sometimes it can be tricky to tell. Secret unhappiness in a relationship is totally scarier than obvious grief, because it could be happening and you might not even know about it. Freaky! As they say, we are most scared of the things we cannot see. Or the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, whatever.
God help the adult child who shows happiness around a BPD mother. Maintaining one's own happiness despite a loved one's unhappiness may help sometimes, but my BPD mother seemed to take my happiness as a personal insult. She squelched times that should have been joyous (e.g., high school graduation) with cruel words and attention-seeking behavior. If that didn't work, she'd find a way to "up the ante." Last year she called me on my 35th birthday and announced "it's all downhill after forty." I thought she was just teasing me, so I teased back: "That's not what I heard." Her way to up the ante was to send me an email telling me that she and my father never wanted to hear from me again.
This point is similar to the previous: you cannot give what you don’t have. If you’re not happy, it’s not very likely that person by your side will be that way either. I’m not saying you should always feel awesome or hide the negative feelings you have. Life can be difficult, and we should express and share all of our feelings. I’m talking about grumpiness and everyday dissatisfaction. That’s not fun, and we should do our best to save our loved ones and ourselves also from that kind of behavior which is the simple result of one thing only – ungratefulness.
OK, so I'm not saying your partner is picking up new hobbies because they're unhappy. It's 100 percent healthy to have side projects, and to do things alone. You might want to worry, however, if it seems like they're using these hobbies as a way of escaping the relationship. "If they are not finding happiness in your relationship, they will try finding it in other aspects of their life," Bizzoco says. And that's not OK.
Sharing duties is important in a relationship, but only working is not what makes a relationship a good one. If you are in a relationship with a man, it is essential that you not only share responsibility with him but also some pleasures. House, work, children - all this can be overwhelming for both of you, so find a moment to spend it together. You can go to the restaurant, watch a movie or play a board game. Allow yourself once to take a break from thinking about all around and to spend some time only with yourself.
and I so badly want my marriage to work, not just for myself and my wife but my kids as well. My wife had a hard childhood. Her dad left when she was 10 and wasn’t involved in a good way until 8 years ago when his dad died and he told her he wanted to “make-up” for all the old wounds. Around the same time my wife went though depression. There were times she couldn’t get off the easy chair in our living room for days. She went to counciling and did the antidepressant thing and her therapist helped her decide she needed to go back to work. She had been a stay at home mom by her own choice for 12 years. She is a well paid professional in the medical field and was able to find a great, high paying job that she really likes right away. Almost as soon as she went back to work, she started spending more and more time there and with her “new friends” she works with. I have tried to be supportive and have left my job early to pick up the kids so she could stay late, go out with her friends, etc. At the same time she stopped having sex with me. We’ve been intimate maybe 5 times in the last 5 years and up until then had what she described as a great sex life. I’ve tried to find out what she wants or needs but she can’t tell me other then “not me”. Last week she told me that she is unhappy and that “part of me wants to stay and work things out, part of me doesn’t”. I asked her to read Mort Fertel’s book and do “Marriage Fittness” with me and she has read the first couple chapters but isn’t really committed. Our house has become quite messy due to her being unwilling to clean or cook dinner and she asked me to help get things more orginized and we have started that. The problem is she hasn’t changed any of her behaviors and comes home and just goes into a shell and finds ways to get me upset. Then she says something like “Well, that attitude just makes me want to read that book and work on things sooo much”! She only talks about her work and her friends from work and when I try to talk about anything else she withdraws and is uninterested. It’s been 8 years of her being withdrawn from me and 5+ without sex or affection. Now that I know she actually is at the point that she wants to end our marriage as much or more then save it, I’m having trouble being patient. She has totally ruled out going to councilling or therapy (it doesn’t work and is a waste of time and money) and while she agreed to “read” Mort’s book she hasn’t agreed to do anything and when I asked her what she thought of the part she has read she said “Well, I guess I can see what he’s talking about…” which isn’t making me think she will do anything but read the book. While for the last 15 + years I was the sole income earner, right now I’m not making any money due to the firm I was with closing after 9 years there. I’m working with a start-up and I hope that I’ll be making just as much or more then I had been and she does and we have savings so money isn’t yet a big problem but she is worried about it and I know she doesn’t like making the money. When I asked her what she needs she has said the biggest thing is she wants to move from our house to a better, bigger one so she probably feels that because I’m not yet making the money I had been that will be delayed but again, (It’s only been about 4 months since I lost my old job) she doesn’t have a reason to doubt I will be back to making good money again soon. I’m starting to feel “Why should I go into debt for 30 years with someone who isn’t going to even try to fix our marriage. There’s more of a chance that all that will happen is I’ll lose everything in a divorce”. I don’t know what to say when I’m told how wonderful I am and how it would be easier if I was an awful husband, father, etc. I feel so damn helpless and I know that sooner rather then later I’m going to hit a point where I can’t take it any more. I really am afraid that the woman who said before we got married “I don’t believe in divorce. When I get married it’s forever and will work to fix any problems to see to it”! is going to leave and destroy my family. I would appriciate any help you can give. Thank you.
A year later, I still wake up crying and enraged. Because I moved to another continent for his (what I thought was ) temporary job, I am far from my community of close friends and my family. I have a few good friends here but not like at home. In talking with other single moms, I have chosen to stay out of the court sytem. I will seek a property settlement first and then in a year (at almost 50 years old), try to make it happen to finally GO HOME , with my daughter. And even then, I know it will not be easy. She will be in her mid-teens by then and I will be bringing her up on my own. But, then it will be up to her father to decide what his priorities are. This is not the life I wanted for me, for her, for any of us. I never, never would have done this to him. NEVER!

Unless your husband has given your real reason to not trust him, always give him the benefit of the doubt. Most likely you have been cheated on or hurt in a past relationship, but don't let that baggage follow you into your marriage. Don't snoop in his phone, check his email, or spy on him when he's out with his friends. Let him know that you trust him and he will do all that he can to ensure he does not break your trust.
I think the “sense of humor” argument is actually different from other traits.  The reason is finding someone with the same sense of humor is like finding someone that’s on our “wavelength.”  People can have radically differing opinions on politics, religion, philosophy, etc.  and can at least agree to simply not talk about those things.  This can work, but our sense of humor is such a core personality trait.  It’s really a big part of who we are.  Now does your partner have to actually be funny?  No.  They do have to have the same sense of humor, though.  I don’t think they need to make you laugh but they have to be able to laugh at the same things you do.  Now back to types of humor.  I agree with what Evan said that Kelly seems to be looking for a personality type that might not be positive i.e. a narcissist.  A good sense of humor should always involve at least a degree of self deprecation. 

My marriage has had lots of ups and downs, my husband and I seem not to be able to understand each other, at times we fight over things that blow out into huge fights. We aren’t capable of communicating in a good way, he will reproach me that i am not direct and getting angry for nothing while i tell him that he isn’t doing his fair share in the conflict cause he turns his back and leave.. I take it as an offense because he is ignoring me..
If a coupon still cares about each other, it should not be that hard to talk and follow thru. She does spend some money like 200-400 for food and kids’ pocket money but it is not enough to cover our expenses as I had explained to her but she didn’t care. I asked her what will happen to my kid in college if I lose a job, and she just said just wait until that happens as it is a long term thing (basically no need to build college fund) which I think is very short-sighted. She simply doesn’t want to help out the family and want to send money oversea for her new home project. I feels that she is very selfish and possibly plan to move back soon and leave the kids with me?? as she expressed on one sense that she should quick her job and move back so she didn’t have to deal with me and other financial requirements.
"So Sheila, at work, is having this really awful thing with her ex," he says, a little too sympathetically. You nod, also sympathetically, because you know that Sheila has been having digestive problems and had to go gluten-free, and also that Sheila's aunt with whom she was really close died last month, and...hold on. Why do you know so much about Sheila At Work? An overly enthusiastic friendship with a so-called work wife may not translate to actual nookie in the actual conference room—after all, you don't mind him having female friends—but it could suggest that something is lacking from your relationship that he is looking for somewhere else. And he may not even know it himself. But when he seems to have more sympathy for the ongoing sagas of Sheila At Work than he does with your own various ordeals, that's more than being a concerned colleague. That's a "We need to talk" memo.
But sometimes, things take a turn and all of that reassurance and security can go out the door. If something seems off, that's an issue. Your significant other is supposed to love you and make that clear with communication and action. You shouldn't be up at night wondering if your partner actually likes you or you wasted all of those highly-inspired pins on the wrong person.

I’m so sorry to hear that you went/are going through this. Hopefully you’ve found some peace since you posted this. I am going through something very similar and it feels like someone just keeps punching me in the chest. I havent eaten or slept more than a few hours in nearly 6 days and I’m honestly amazed I’m still functioning at all. I loved this man with all of my heart. I stood by him through thick and thin, through an alcohol addiction and rehab and subsequent court issues for a DUI. He has been sober 5 years now so I feel like I contributed positively to his life. He made me feel more loved than I have ever been, and then suddenly last Wednesday he tells me hes done. There is nothing left, he doesnt love me anymore. How?? What did I do wrong? I never lied or cheated. I tried to show him appreciation for all the things he did for me. I kept house as best I could and formed close relationships with his family. How do you just suddenly unlove someone like that?? I am reeling at the loss and he is being quite cruel about me hurrying up and moving out, though I havent even found somewhere else to go yet. I feel like an ax came down and just severed us because I cant understand how he can just erase a 6 and a half year relationship like that. How can he just stop loving me? It is beyond my comprehension. To say I feel lost is an understatement.
Just think about how it would look if the tables were turned. If you man lies to his best friend and says that he can’t hang out because he is slammed with work, but really wants to do something with you, that is an unnecessary lie, right? It makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t it? If you want to keep your boyfriend happy, speak truthfully with everyone, not just him.
It’s popular among Christian literature for women to discuss the types of wives we should be, and the actions we should take to help ensure a happy husband who doesn’t stray. I can get along with that to some extent. I’ll admit that I shave my legs every day, and that I dress nice and put on makeup more for my spouse than I do myself. I mean, it makes me feel good, but it also makes me feel good to look appealing for him. 
something I forgot to add about how I made myself better was focusing on smaller accomplishments. I can't save the world, but I can make my little corner of the community better. I also focused more on not trying to make others happy in and of itself. Others had expectations for me, but those were not mine. I stopped caring so much about what others defined as success. Especially, what family wanted from me. I am /r/childfree, and happy about it. It took a while for my parents to realize they were not getting grandchildren from me, and for them to be OK with it. No guilt on my part.

Who doesn’t enjoy a compliment from their partner every now and then. It reinforces why you’ve chosen each other and helps create a sense of security. Surely they can only mean good things, right? Well… according to Salkin, sometimes compliments can actually be warning signs that your partner isn’t happy, especially when they start to feel a little off . She explains that when your SO starts giving you compliments that are unnatural or just too much, “for example, he or she tells you how perfect you are and how he or she doesn't deserve you” that it may actually be a “a backhanded foreshadowing that something is up and that they're looking for you to break up with them.” Confusing, right?

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I have just asked my husband to move out. I yelled at him. I felt so mad lately, I just feel like no matter what he does, it just makes me mad. He can cook, clean, but he does them not the way I would do it. That sounds so petty. He does it until I get upset about something. Then he makes a halfhearted attempt. But I feel that if he doesn’t work, then he should be willing to do take care of the house. He hasn’t worked in 11 years. I have been the only one working. Before I use to do everything. I would cook, clean, go to work, everything. Lately I’m just so tired. I want him to go out and find a job and help in creating this home. I know he can do it, he just won’t do anything. I think part of that makes me so mad and I blow up over it for stupid little things. I’m home by myself now. And I feel so lonely. But I have to put up with it, because I was the one that told him to get out. I just have so much resentement. I’m hurt and I’m scared to be along. But I’m not going to ask him to come back. I am hoping that he would wake up and decide that he wants to go out and get a job. But I’m scared that I made a mess that he would never come back to me. At the same time, I feel I put us in that situation, by me doing everything at the beginning. He got use to it. All I know is that I am lonely and I miss him but not going to reach out.
something I forgot to add about how I made myself better was focusing on smaller accomplishments. I can't save the world, but I can make my little corner of the community better. I also focused more on not trying to make others happy in and of itself. Others had expectations for me, but those were not mine. I stopped caring so much about what others defined as success. Especially, what family wanted from me. I am /r/childfree, and happy about it. It took a while for my parents to realize they were not getting grandchildren from me, and for them to be OK with it. No guilt on my part.
I have been married for the last nine months and have been with my husband for the last nine years. I am 25 years old. Lately my husband and I have been going through some really rough times. I want to have things to do in my free time (ie sports) that is for me. He doesn’t want to be involved but also wants me home when the sun goes down. Mind you I don’t stay out all night, I am home around 8:30 from practice. It has made me come to realize we are on completly different paths for our lives. He wants children now and I don’t. He thinks people should spend their free time with an extra job or house work and I don’t. We both hold down full time jobs and I am going to school full time also. We have a home that is paid for along with both of our vehicles, so why do we need to work all the time. I want him to support and be involved my life. He said he doesn’t know if he can make me happy but he doesn’t try or do anything different, when i suggested counseling he said “he wasn’t going to do that”. I don’t know what I need to do but I know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. Help.
I have been struggling in my relationship for seven months. I have been in this relationship for almost three years common law and we have a 1.5 year old daighter. We each have a six year old from previous relationships as well. I know I’m settling. He’s brought major financial problems on this home – thankfully we have nothing joint in our finances so it was all in his name- but then I still have to overcompensate on the bills to make HIS half ends meet. He’s proven to be a pathological liar, after this long he still doesn’t accept my six year old son as his own- even though I have fully bonded with his six year old daughter, so much that I have a friendship with his ex. He goes through cycles of atleast 3 days a month where he won’t talk to me not even to respond in small talk- like I don’t exist and he plays mind games this entire time. He’s ripped me off $4000 and now he’s drug himself so far down he can’t really even cover his bills. I’ve almost left multiple times ( actually he’d be the one leaving cause he can’t afford this home) but keep giving him ” one more chance”. I’m not sure if I’m delusional thinking maybe one day he’ll come to the end of himself and grow up and that things will get better. But I’m finding mySelf feeling more trapped and unhappy. 90% of what has kept me here is my daughter I have with him . What do I do? How do I kick someone out that has nothing? How do I avoid being manipulated into giving him another chance ? How do I protect myself from his vindictiveness after I do end it ? Please, any advice will do. Of course there are so many other details but there isn’t enough time or space.

I have a similar situation with my boyfriend he is very moody and it’s affected my child the most. He are constantly fighting every weekend over something so small and he would Storm off and go home for a couple of days or if my child wakes him up in the morning he goes mad and curses at me infront of my child and then again he would Storm home. I know he hates he’s job and it isn’t stable and that really bothers him and puts him in bad form. But when he is is the wrong he turns the row on me and changes the subject that in texting other lads and he would shout down at me and look trough all my messages !! He’s mood swings are pushes me away that I don’t feel the same anymore.
But even if it’s just moodiness, resilience is such a key and under-discussed point for a long-term relationship. Life and relationships aren’t always easy. What’s going to happen in the future when your toddler goes through the Terrible Twos, or money is tight, or someone goes through a rough career transition? While I fully acknowledge some people need space to process stress, but if you’re in a partnership, you can’t just sequester yourself away for a few days and leave your partner possibly high and dry with the mess. If Katie’s boyfriend doesn’t change — and I think she needs to make that assumption, judging from her letter — is this acceptable to her? Only she can make that call, but it sounds like it’s not.
Hello! My husband and I will be married 18 years in May. I can honestly say that I don’t know if our marriage has ever been ideal, or a good marriage. My husband will admit that he is a very selfish person, as I know many men/women will say this, he will also tell you he has addictive behaviors, no drugs or alcohol,but gambling, and video games are his addictions. Our marriage,to me and some who are around us, will say is based solely on what my husbands wants/needs are. I have never been the first priority in his life, in my opinion. Example: When I was pregnant with our eldest child, I was working 12 hour days. He was home for a couple of weeks because his back was injured,but was medicated and fully capable. I came home from work with feet swollen and exhausted, and I just wanted to soak my feet. I walk in the door, and he comes out of his “man Cave” and asks me what is for dinner. I got a can of soup out slammed it on the counter and said there you go, and went for a walk. No he didn’t come after me. I was so angry that when I went back in the house I went to bed. He holed himself in his video games then and is still to this day. There are so many other times/examples of basically the same thing. We aren’t, and really have never had a truly intimate relationship…to me it seems like a chore to him. He freely admits this. At one time, about 10 yrs. ago he told me he didn’t find me attractive anymore because I was to fat. (I have now lost 50 lbs. and weigh just slightly more than I did in high school which was 154, that truly has no bearing on the situation in my opinion) It is not for lack of trying on my part, I have gone so far as texting things to him. I have been pushed away, he says the kids are home I don’t want them hearing, and many other reasons. I have thought, is he cheating, and even most recently is he not interested at all. He is now overweight, takes high blood pressure meds, and says he has no self confidence. He is not an active participant/husband but rather to me, it seems like I have another child. I have to ask him to help around the house, while he plays his video games usually 5-6 hours a night(this is an every day,every year occurrence) He is depressed, gambled a lot of money away that we don’t have, lost his father, and in my opinion, he feels he lost his mother as well. His mother has been a mother who loves him, but didn’t raise him to be a man/husband. She did everything for him, I just took over when we married. At counseling I brought up that he smokes in the house when I leave when I have asked him not to. The counselor asked him why he does this, is it like “mom” says don’t do it, so you do it anyway? he said yes. He told her the children don’t listen to me, and she said you don’t listen to her so why should they. You don’t think they children listen to her, but actions speak louder than words. Our children our great children, have very busy lives, and our great students…but they will tell you that there mother is not happy and they don’t like it. When he gambled I am the one who found ways to pay the debt, not him. He owns the fact that he gambled but has done nothing to render the situation. I feel instead of playing games for 5-6 hours, he should get another job to pay for it. When I say I have a husband who is more like a 44 year old child I truly mean it. I do everything from paying the bills to deciding what to have for dinner. He tells me he loves me, and I don’t doubt it. I think his love for me is in a motherly way and not a wifely way. He says my expectations are to high for him. The counselor said to him, you are just a big kid aren’t you…laughing he said yes…she said I think you need to think about what I just said. Your wife wants a husband and a partner, to be a couple, not a 44 yr. old child. My expectations are this..Be my husband, my partner, my co parent, my friend, something other than what he is and has been for a very long time.
But if you look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, possessions are at the bottom. We need certain things to survive - food, shelter, clothing, but after that possessions don't actually increase the meaningfulness of our lives, and we need to start looking elsewhere: friendships, intimacy, and goals that serve a greater good beyond our own self interest.
I read through your article and it stands out for me amoungst the others I’ve read. My husband is a good man, doesn’t cheat, and he still loves me, but I don’t love him. We have been married for almost 2 years and together for 4. We got married when I was 18 and he was 23, so we are 20 and 25 now. I think we just got married way too young and I see that now. I felt love for him after we first started dating, but I think I was in love with the idea of him and marriage and I wasn’t actually ever in love with him. I find myself constantly asking myself “Why did I get married?” and I also find myself entertaining the idea of an affair. We have stopped being intimate. When we were intimate, I rarely felt anything. He is such a good man, and I do still care for him very much, but its not in the way a wife should care for he husband. I have no idea what to do. I try to explain to him that I am unhappy in our relationship and I no longer want the same things that I used to and it goes in one ear and out the other. He loves me very much, this I know, so I’m afraid of hurting him to the point where he will never find happiness again. Yes, I know, I’m very young, but this is one of the many things that has gone into the ruin of my marriage. Please help me. Thank you.

If you feel your man might be growing unhappy in your relationship, I suggest you sit down and talk to him. Lay it out on the table and tell him, to be honest about how he really feels. At the end of the day, you could be worried about nothing. However, a sudden change in behavior is rarely ever a good sign in a relationship. So you have every right in the world to wonder what’s really going on.


This suggestion sounds so simple but not so easy to obtain. As a husband and father of three, I find my happiness to be fleeting. My wife is exhausted and has little energy nor desire to care for any needs that I may have. I believe society places husbands in a codependent role which ties our happiness to our wives. I too, am loved and appreciated at work, but at home I am the lowest priority. I was taught to be a good husband you need to make sure your wife is happy, “happy wife, happy life.” Where is the… Read more »
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