That's step one. Step two is actually doing something about it, before you worry for one more second — and before things get worse. "Use these signs as an invitation to have a conversation," author and life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. "Asking questions about the behavior, 'Are you stressed? Can I help?' or asking for what we want, 'I'd like to hold hands more' is a better use of your time." It may feel awkward, but it's important to open those lines of communication so you can figure out how to handle this, together. Here are some more signs you might want to address.


Me too. But “disappointment” isn’t a value nor a boundary. What is a non-negotiable value of yours that precedes your disappointment? What decision would you make as a result? What consequences are you willing to face when your boundary for your relationship values is crossed? What invitation could a man/woman make to their partner to address the situation without blaming them? Self-reliance is all about owning our responsibility for our own initiative – without dependence on the outcome.
A patient of mine has a mentally ill brother who's depressed and anxious, as well as manipulative and stubborn. He often refuses to take medication that's helped him in the past and as a result often ends up lying at home in his bed, unwashed and unkempt, for days at a time. When my friend discovers him in this state, she tries various things: taking him to the ER (which she's learned leads nowhere), contacting his therapist (which sometimes helps, sometimes not), and even walking away, both figuratively and literally. She struggles with how much she may be enabling his behavior and with how unhappy his unhappiness is making her. She vents to me on occasion, and I try to walk a fine line between encouraging her not to give up on him and supporting her decision to protect herself emotionally. Recently, he had a particularly bad episode and it got me wondering: how can we best manage the unhappiness of people we love?
Despite the straying of your spouse you are still beautiful, and just because he doesn’t want you, this doesn’t make you undesirable. You’re still a beautiful child of the King. You’re an injured bird, but this doesn’t mean you can no longer fly. You can heal, and you can move forward in your marriage. You can move forward in forgiveness, and you can have a wonderful relationship. 
Thank you for the post. Husband of 17 yrs td me two days ago he was not happy with anything, ever. Told me today he is moving out in two days to “work on himself”. He told our 15 yr old that he had been thinking about it for a long time. I feel worthless and unloved. I feel like this is the end. He was almost giddy while telling me about the place he is moving(way nicer than our place). I’m not perfect but I always fought for our marriage – through his alcoholism, his “emotional” infidelity, his constant changing jobs, his depression and mood swings. I always fought for us. Now I feel like a fool and wonder when “us” stopped for him. I feel blindsided!
I've been married just 3years but I find no meaning in my marriage.everyday I feel regretful that I made this commitment.I hoped for friendship,companionship,love and care but pain is everything there is.my husband and I hv nothing to share.he has a world of his own while I figure out how am gonna have to live with my kids in this.we have a little girl who sees me cry a lot about my unhappiness.Now am expecting and distressed.I hope one day I find a happy life through a good choice.
What option seems to make the most sense to you? You’re too young to give up on your life, and a chance at being happy and fulfilled! You need to find energy and enthusiasm to keep going. The world needs people like you to come alive and participate. You can find things that make you happy and fulfilled outside your marriage — and you will brighter other people’s lives at the same time.
The OP has every right to want a guy that makes her laugh if its that important to her. My only question to her would be to why does she wait until the relationship has reached LTR status before she lowers the boom on these guys? She should know after a few months if this is a deal breaker for her and then move on without too much being invested by the guy or her. She probably knows the guy has an expiration date but dangles him along. Not cool. Its OK to be superficial or wanting a specific quality. Just declare it early on instead of 12 months in or whatever timeframe defines LTR.
Since last year i struggle to feel secure as he cheated on me and i couldn’t feel reassured… we fought lots in front of the kids. He is Bipolar 2 and 2 months ago he tried to commit suicide and i was by his side through everything… We still had issues afterwards because i felt this could have made a difference and made us grow closer but nothing. 2 weeks ago we had a big fight because he didn’t want to answer a question about money and again i’ve asked him a straight forward question where the money came from and he didn’t answer me, he just said from his account. I felt hurt because he used to blame me because of our finance.. i spend too much etc and that’s why at times he keeps money aside for me not to know..
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Be the woman he knows sitting at home on the couch. This doesn't mean you need to belch in public or walk around in your sweatpants all the time. This just means you don't have to put up a front for the ladies in your child's class or act snotty in front of his friends. You are who he fell in love with, so you should never feel like you have to be someone else. Be respectful and courteous when you are both in public, but don't try to hide who you are. Having that strong sense of self and high levels of self-confidence are what made him attracted to you in the first place.

It is important to address your unhappiness as soon as possible, according to licensed clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley, Jr., in the article "When Should You Tell Your Spouse, 'We Have a Problem,'" on the website, Marriage Builders. "Don't let your problems build up before you find solutions," he says. Easily resolvable issues can become major problems if you hide your feelings for too long. Although it is important to get your general message to your husband, before you talk to him think about what, specifically, is making you unhappy. For instance, if your husband expects you to be a stay-at-home mom but you would like to work, tell him. Using specifics will give you and your husband an idea of what steps to take to make you feel more satisfied.
Hi, i have been married for 8 years now,have 2 girls,left my people,country and friends to come and live in another continent and have a life here.Iam not working for the sake of kids as they have no one to take care of but my husband never liked it.He is a very good person otherwise provider and a good father. we never fight like shouting etc but we have no intimacy between us for last few years.I am now so bitter now that i don’t know what to do ,I tried so many time but the response is always very indifferent.I
Are you unhappy in your marriage?  Does your husband just not understand you?  Has nothing you’ve said gotten through to him?  Here are some novel ways to open his eyes to your pain and suffering.  Below is a guaranteed Five Step Plan to get your husband to take full ownership for all of the marital issues and apologize accordingly.  Because you deserve it. (PS. This is a SATIRE!  If you want real help communicating with your husband, read other posts on this site, or my book!)
To my fiance’ bills do not seem to be prioritized. I’ve seen at least 20 cell phones bought in the 7 years we have been together, b ecause she doesnt like this one or that. The preschool our child attends already informed us that she is behind in some skills but how can I try my best to get her to learn when mommy could care less? I’ve spoken to friends and relatives on both sides of the family and because mommy doesn’t want to hear the truth from others, she will not only alienate herself but I and my daughter from everyone. At one point in time about a year ago, we lived in a motel room, with no family to turn to except one. And now she is beginning to alienate us from this person too. I’m at wits end. I have a disability but it does not hinder me from shopping cooking cleaning or tending to my daughters needs. If mommy shops, its all garbage food. The school bus stop is a block away; she wont walk our child down; I have to drive her. She doesnt clean house very often. I have problems with my legs so my mobility is limited at times but I will stand in the kitchen n cook, or spend an hour or more shopping or walk my child to the bus despite my pain. Why? Because my daughter comes first in my eyes, always had and always will.
See if they take your requests seriously. If they don't make continued effort over a period of a month. Ask them if they have decided that they cannot or will not make an investment in the way you have asked for. If they say yes, then ask if there was some misunderstanding or information they lacked to make progress. If they say yes then revisit that discussion. If no (or if that lack has been addressed) then ask them if there is something they would like to tell you about their needs that perhaps you might not be meeting (remember this is key: you want to raise the standard of your relationship not of one partner’s relational skill set).

Whether it snuck up on you over the course of a few years, or it dawned on you suddenly one night, I have to say — it's great that you noticed. Not everyone picks up on problems in their relationship, or takes the time to assess the situation. Even your partner might not realize they're projecting negative vibes, or that they're unhappy. So consider it a step in the right direction that you've realized something's wrong.
I’ve tried three approaches. 1) Loving, supportive husband offering ‘it’s okay, try again’ attitude for quite a while. Result: She is happy, I’m not b/c things don’t get done. 2) Ignore how bad it is. Result: She is fine, I’m not. Things don’t get done. 3) I communicate how she is not measuring up to her responsibilities. Result: She either gets extremely defensive, mad, or says ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Eventually we do and SOMETIMES she accepts and things get better. And when I say better, I mean I set SMALL goals for her in hopes she’ll master them to help her to new ones. She’ll do those small goals for a week or two, month max. Example is when you sweep you have to put the stuff you sweep into the trash and not just leave it in a pile for months. But inevitably, she returns to her base behavior. She suggested therapy to help her move away from her abused past so we agreed to pay out for a year of it. Now she’s not in it and has basically dismissed the goals/rules the counselor told her to keep. When we talk about any issues in our marriage she gets extremely mad and defensive. I’m not a perfect man and am open to criticism and self-improvement, but I provide for my family the best I can, keep them safe, and am trying to help. Frankly, I don’t feel like she’s pulling her own weight. If she knows she’s in trouble or did nothing that day, she’ll try to hide that fact by various means. Lies, kisses, sex, playing ignorance, etc… Sometimes I feel like our ‘marriage’ was a means to an end b/c I am nice and she knew I could provide for her so she made up a personality to escape the hell hole she came from (and it was a hell hole) but now reverted to a past self. What do I do? I thought a husband and wife were supposed to ‘work’ together and put the needs of the other above themselves. Any guidance would be appreciated.

If you really want to keep your boyfriend happy, keep your word. Just as we like men to do what they say, they like us to do so too. Call when you say you will, show up on time, and don’t stand him up. If you blow him off or forget to follow through with things, it will make you look like you don’t care and make you look irresponsible, because all he has to go by is your actions.


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I was reading your blog and your patient's brother sounds so much like mine. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking, especially when there are children involved. I try to maintain some distance but it never works out. HIs kids or my mom beg me to do something, go see him, try to get through to him, help him somehow.I just keep getting frug back into his mess.
Ultimately the key thing here — whether it’s just moodiness or a more serious depression — is that he feels it’s out of his control. I know how it must feel that way, and that depression (if that’s what Katie’s boyfriend has) can create this vicious cycle where you feel hopeless about life — so why take action to fix it? But that first step is acknowledging the problem and perhaps how it’s affecting you and your loved ones and then getting some help. You can help them down the path a little once they get going, but only they can really take that first important step — which is ultimately one of taking responsibility.
If you want to stop your husband from cheating, you must devise a good plan for your marriage. No marriage can succeed without a plan. Building a marriage is like building a house; you must have a burning desire to make it work. You need to develop a plan for the marriage and every day sit down with your spouse and show him your plan. During this time, let him see the cost involved in building a successful marriage, taking care of the home and the kid's education. Soon, your husband will realize the cost of his cheating and will discover it is not worthy to be spending money and time outside on strange women when the one he is married to is a better planner and organizer.
i want to share a brief testimony of my story online for other readers like me to find who are also in the same situation i was before, meeting dr alexzander. my wife broke up with me and i read a article concerning this great man. then decided to try it out. i contacted him and all of my problem was no more. i have come to return all of my thanks to dr alexzander for saving my relationship and also to let the whole world know about him and his good deeds. contact him through this email alexzander high temple at gmail or browse him through his name alexzander high temple
Hi, my husband and i has only been married for 6 months when he started cheating on me, before that we were in a long distance relationship for 5 years, he was overseas while i lived in Australia and I have waited long time for us to be finally together. I’m his second wife and i thought that things would be different for us. From the tme i found out about the cheating which is through social media chatting, I hid it from all the people including my family for i was protecting him until such time that he emotionally abuse me and went his way to see her and commited adultery.
I am 20 years old i had an arranged marriage when i was 19. i’ve been married to my husband for 10 months and never had any contact with him before marriage. the problem is we are living with his parents and i do not get along with them, they have said to me on a numerous of occassions go home. i do everythng for them cook, clean iron etc. they don’t appriciate anything i do.as for my husband he’s always away at university and i hardly get to see him he also works.
And in case of using drugs, make him engaged in other things like family get together, outing with kids etc. Don't always think of his bad habit. When he is not using any drugs act like everything is going ok. And force him to go out with you and your kids. Make use of kids. If they force, and you support he will definitely spend time with you and slowly slowly he could get out of drugs. Relax and pray to God he will stay with you.
I admit not bringing up the topic again at this point because of my own lack of courage. I am not in an environment where I can sit down with my grandparents and have a discussion about my attitude and their attitude about my mother's behavior and illness. It seems to be treated as a taboo subject. I agree that I have been enabling her behavior more than I should out of my own fear of being reprimanded by my grandparents while I am staying in the household. I try to stand up when I can but I place myself in a position where I pick and choose which of my mother's behavior is acceptable and which isn't based on the belief of my grandparents instead of my own. I am struggling to redefine her illness for myself instead of using the model of my grandparents. It is difficult to be in a situation where standing up and saying we are enabling her behavior is actually seen as the disruptive behavior. I am told that by standing up to her that I am the one creating trouble and causing them problems (because they allow her to run back to them and complain and cause tantrums). So I submit out of my own fear that I am making the lives of the caregivers more difficult. Unfortunately I think they are making it difficult for themselves by allowing her to complain to them and enabling her behavior. I do not know what to do in this situation.
my questions? how can i continue to waffle? how do you know when it’s truly over? when you feel like you’ve failed, when you’re not sure if there’s anything left to save? and when your son (my son lives with me – is planning to move out, but has made it very clear that he hates the man I married – not because of my husband’s treatment of him, but because of the way my son has seen and heard my husband treat me) despises your husband? how do you forgive and move past?
I was speaking with one of my homegirls this weekend and she was telling me about how she’s on the verge of breaking up with her man. When I asked her why, she stated that he didn’t treat her the same way he use to back in the days. Apparently, when they first got together he was happy, energetic and just loved to be around her 24/7. but now he seems distant, distracted and somewhat emotionally unavailable. My next question to her caught her completely off-guard (which was surprising, because I thought it was a fairly easy and expected question): “What’s wrong with him?”

Hello, Kindly help me. I am at the end of the road. I recently married early this year. I dated my husband for 6 yrs long distance. We met when I lived in his country but I moved overseas and we continued the relationship. However, earlier on, about 3 yrs, I received a link from my hubby inviting me to join a certain website. I clicked it and found a picture of my hubby and his many female friends very unappropriately dressed and it showed how many emails he had sent and what he received. He had sent out over 1000 messages. I was broken but he kept assuring me he had never met any of these women but just communicated over internet. I forgave him and then again.
"People do not experience love in the same way, and if you're not speaking your partner's 'love language', that can result in great unhappiness. Dr. Gary Chapman detailed the five different love languages to help couples learn and speak the language of their spouse — those languages are quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gift giving. Learning to speak a partners' love language has saved many marriages." —Kim Olver, relationship coach and author of Secrets of Happy Couples
"Children add a lot of positives to a person's life, but they can also add a lot stress, including decreased intimacy in the relationship. When children come first, the loss of the marital relationship can be very painful. It isn't easy to maintain that happy physical and emotional connection to your partner when there are baths needing to happen, meals needing to be cooked, and toys needing to be picked up." —Hershenson
This suggestion sounds so simple but not so easy to obtain. As a husband and father of three, I find my happiness to be fleeting. My wife is exhausted and has little energy nor desire to care for any needs that I may have. I believe society places husbands in a codependent role which ties our happiness to our wives. I too, am loved and appreciated at work, but at home I am the lowest priority. I was taught to be a good husband you need to make sure your wife is happy, “happy wife, happy life.” Where is the… Read more »
Unless your husband has given your real reason to not trust him, always give him the benefit of the doubt. Most likely you have been cheated on or hurt in a past relationship, but don't let that baggage follow you into your marriage. Don't snoop in his phone, check his email, or spy on him when he's out with his friends. Let him know that you trust him and he will do all that he can to ensure he does not break your trust.
I happened across this page by accident but I found it pretty interesting whe I read the complaints you have all made about your husbands or long term partners. I have to say, as a man, for several decades now the media has drilled into our heads that men are evil and women are their victims. I’m certainly not going to tell you that history clearly indicates women were under valued in our society; howeve, having said that, I must tell you some of what I have read could be quotes from movies or books telling the tragic stories of abused women. Some of you are simply looking for someone to give you permission to leave your marriage because you are tired if the marriage, not because your husband has or is doing anything wrong. It seems to me that women are becoming more bold in their pursuit of a “better life.” hoping to find the man who can fulfil all their dreams. You need to leave dreams where they belong! Dancing in your heads while you sleep. They have no real value In true life! Sorry but you aren’t fulfilling all of our dreams either but fortunately for men, the media is telling us we are the “bad” of relationships thus causing men to believe there is no reason to talk, complain or share no one cares what you, a man, thinks. Men talk amongst themselves and tgey are reinforcing to each other that idea is true. Women want their men to share, so they say, but want most of them really want is for men to listen to the woman and feel what she feels and make that their feelings so he can meet her needs. I’m not blaming women… I’m saying media sources are out to make a dollar and are going to make that dollar at the expense of our relationships. More and more women are finding themselves attracted to other women believing, again because it’s what’s being said, that only a woman could understand her. I securely predict in the next 20 years media will find a select type of woman who is the blame for those failed relationships and unsuspecting women will began to make Internet complaints about how they are trapped in their relationship with these women, who were initially suppose to be the answer. Men will began to recover from their own low esteem issues and in time society will circle and women will seek men as their answer again. The truth is quit listening to everyone who tells you you are being victimized and understand that all relationships have their troubles. If your man is truly treating you like garbage and without respect as an equal, get the hell out and never have a guilty feeling about it! He is responsible for his decisions too. Trust me I have as much to say to men as I have to you ladies. Your not stupid are drowning in self-pity… You are the victim if media. They spend millions every year to know how to get into our heads. We should all cut them off where it hurts! Start reading carefully selected materials and do away with the idiot box all together! But then thus is America, we thrive on entertainment just as did Rome before its collapse. America is cycling at a record speed. Truly folks I’m not ragging on you at all, I’m just hating that we are at the point that we would rather believe the lie rather than even hear the truth. I wish you all the best of wisdom and choices. Live a happy life but know happiness and perfection are two different animals such as a horse and a unicorn.
The one thing I feel for you in this situation is you did not have a friend of family member who would grab you by the shirt and smack you upside the head and tell you to grow a spine! You should have divorces her after the 1st infidelity and taken your kids with you! She even talked you into admitting your affair and not mentioning her many, you got suckered!

How can you tell your partner is not thrilled about being together? What are the clues that he or she is unhappy in your relationship? Though there are some outright hints, sometimes it can be tricky to tell. Secret unhappiness in a relationship is totally scarier than obvious grief, because it could be happening and you might not even know about it. Freaky! As they say, we are most scared of the things we cannot see. Or the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, whatever.
Approach him to ask him what’s up. He may tell you nothing is wrong at first. Don’t push him but instead give him a peck on the cheek, smile, give him a squeeze on the arm and tell him that you are around if he wants to talk about it. Let him also know that if he wants to talk about it that you will try not to get upset if it’s something that he believes you will become upset about.

As women, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in raising kids, supporting our husbands, and running our homes-not to mention our careers outside the home! So many of us feel like we don’t even know who we are anymore!  We get bored with the monotony of our lives and start to wonder what else is out there for us. We start to crave excitement and adventure. We wonder what life might have been like if we had stayed single or married someone else.
Im so confused. After 26 years of marriage I feel Im done! We have been through so much and Im not a saint. But Im tried of carrying all the responsibility and burdens of our life. He is medically disabled and not capable fo doing somethings but he uses it as an excuse to do hardly NOTHING!! I do all cleaning, planning, pay of the bills and making sure everything to done. Not to mention a have a full time job and a wonderful grandbaby! I have come to realize that Im doing anything very well and so frustrated with him and self destruction. His depression is deep partially because of disabilities. I have lost both of my parents because of self destruction. I cant watch another love one lose or take their life. so lost…..
It takes patience to develop a strong relationship, and if you pressure your boyfriend to move in together or get engaged, chances are he will feel like you’re forcing him. It’s best to let things happen naturally and realize that if you get along, that’s all that matters and if you don’t get along, moving in together isn’t going to solve that problem.
I don’t want to sound like I have no sympathy for your boyfriend. Life can be tough, especially in light of thwarted dreams, unrealistic expectations, financial instability, flimsy support networks, and run-of-the-mill insecurities. But not everyone deals with things in the same way; and, whether we like it or not, this stuff matters. There are some people who will give up online dating if one email is not returned or give up on relationships just because the last one went bad. Even if this is somewhat “normal,” it’s certainly not a healthy trait. Not for the anxious/moody person, and not for the poor soul who has to be the strong, patient partner. When your boyfriend is unhappy, it’s only normal to want to pull him out of it, to want to flip a switch in the back of his head to get him from pessimist to optimist. Furthermore, when he’s at his worst internally, that’s also when he’s a terrible boyfriend. He obsesses, stays at home, stews in his own juices, and builds up stories about what’s wrong in the world that may not accord with reality. Not only that, but such a boyfriend has nothing to give to the relationship because he’s always dealing with his own mercurial moods.

If your partner is suddenly argumentative, it might be due to excessive stress at work, or a side effect of their depression or anxiety. But it could also be due to their unhappiness. "When a partner is unhappy and can’t find a way out of the relationship, they will turn to creating a problem that isn’t there," relationship expert Lori Bizzoco tells Bustle. "Your partner may try picking fights over little things and making a big deal out of them."


My husband and i have been married for just over a year. I recently told him that i feel emotionally empty and more like we are good friends than husband and wife. He said he feels the same way. He got very angry and hasn’t talked to me much in a couple days. We haven’t been intimate in quite a while, like a couple weeks. I don’t know how to fix this and make him talk to me again. He wont tell me he loves me. Recently he made a new female friend at work. It makes me very uncomfortable. He assures me that they are just friends, but i have a hard time believing him. He works night shift and hasn’t been coming home on his lunches (he used to every night). He says he just sleeps in his car or takes a drive, but again im not sure if i believe it. I miss him terribly and i want everything to be good again. I just dont know if he is trying to distance himself from me, or if i just need to give him space and let him talk when he is ready. I dont know if its normal to feel disconnected through the first year or so of marriage. I have heard it is the hardest. He has always been wonderful to me. He is a very nice person. Im afraid that my feelings of emptyness were based on something temporary and i just hurt him by saying what i did. I just need advice!
In my own experience, when I allowed my circumstances to dictate my joy, my family was destined to ride with me on the roller coaster of my emotions. I did not become a joyful wife and mom until I learned the importance of spending time in prayer and daily Bible study. In other words, I needed to look to God. I could not expect Steve to give me a life free from difficulty so I would be happy. I could not ask him to do for me what only God can do.
After making us spend our savings on him in rehab several times, taking him to school and dropping out (5 in total), going to prison and countless other miseries, us, our family decided to dump my brother and purge him out of our lives. We needed to do that for our own sanity. He started to affect our work, I for one would wake up and cry for hours. It was terrible his addiction to drugs and all. In the end he went to live far far away and after 4 long years of suffering not being able to buy food, live or anything he came and he was reformed. We all thought it was one of his silly apologies to get us to take him back only to go through the same cycle but this time he has changed after 10 years. He is back doing is A levels, the oldest in his class but next year he will go to uni and he has changed. We still do not believe it so we approach cautiously lest we get burnt again!

I am having a propbem and just need someone to talk to. My husband and I habe been married for 13 months, were engaged for almost two years, and had been best friends for five. About six months ago, we left city life and moved to the coast where his family resides. I have no family and no friends here, so that in itself has been difficult for me. We have been having a reoccuring problem that has a uniform cause, which is alchohol. We go out on a date night every Thursday, play pool and sing at the local bar, and drink. A couple of months ago, August, if I remember correctly, we went through three weeks when every time we would go out it started great, but ended with my husband telling me how awful I am and throwing me out of the house. The next day he wouldn’t remember any of it. We discovered that the issue was if he mixed beer and liquor, he became an angry drunk, and I was his target. The solution seemed simple enough, stop mixing the two. It worked well enough for us and the drunken arguments stopped.
Yes ill admit after begging and pleading over the last 16 months I know I resent him now! He and I are good looking people we are in our late 20s and I truly am falling out of love with him now. He has been the love of my life for 8 years and he can’t stand the act of making love to me. BTW there is no way he is cheating on me. He says he wants to work on things but he hasn’t tried, then he says I should be trying too. Is that not what I had been doing for over 2 years!!! It’s like he feels it coming to an end but he is brainwashing himself to believe its my fault we don’t have sex
Hello! My husband and I will be married 18 years in May. I can honestly say that I don’t know if our marriage has ever been ideal, or a good marriage. My husband will admit that he is a very selfish person, as I know many men/women will say this, he will also tell you he has addictive behaviors, no drugs or alcohol,but gambling, and video games are his addictions. Our marriage,to me and some who are around us, will say is based solely on what my husbands wants/needs are. I have never been the first priority in his life, in my opinion. Example: When I was pregnant with our eldest child, I was working 12 hour days. He was home for a couple of weeks because his back was injured,but was medicated and fully capable. I came home from work with feet swollen and exhausted, and I just wanted to soak my feet. I walk in the door, and he comes out of his “man Cave” and asks me what is for dinner. I got a can of soup out slammed it on the counter and said there you go, and went for a walk. No he didn’t come after me. I was so angry that when I went back in the house I went to bed. He holed himself in his video games then and is still to this day. There are so many other times/examples of basically the same thing. We aren’t, and really have never had a truly intimate relationship…to me it seems like a chore to him. He freely admits this. At one time, about 10 yrs. ago he told me he didn’t find me attractive anymore because I was to fat. (I have now lost 50 lbs. and weigh just slightly more than I did in high school which was 154, that truly has no bearing on the situation in my opinion) It is not for lack of trying on my part, I have gone so far as texting things to him. I have been pushed away, he says the kids are home I don’t want them hearing, and many other reasons. I have thought, is he cheating, and even most recently is he not interested at all. He is now overweight, takes high blood pressure meds, and says he has no self confidence. He is not an active participant/husband but rather to me, it seems like I have another child. I have to ask him to help around the house, while he plays his video games usually 5-6 hours a night(this is an every day,every year occurrence) He is depressed, gambled a lot of money away that we don’t have, lost his father, and in my opinion, he feels he lost his mother as well. His mother has been a mother who loves him, but didn’t raise him to be a man/husband. She did everything for him, I just took over when we married. At counseling I brought up that he smokes in the house when I leave when I have asked him not to. The counselor asked him why he does this, is it like “mom” says don’t do it, so you do it anyway? he said yes. He told her the children don’t listen to me, and she said you don’t listen to her so why should they. You don’t think they children listen to her, but actions speak louder than words. Our children our great children, have very busy lives, and our great students…but they will tell you that there mother is not happy and they don’t like it. When he gambled I am the one who found ways to pay the debt, not him. He owns the fact that he gambled but has done nothing to render the situation. I feel instead of playing games for 5-6 hours, he should get another job to pay for it. When I say I have a husband who is more like a 44 year old child I truly mean it. I do everything from paying the bills to deciding what to have for dinner. He tells me he loves me, and I don’t doubt it. I think his love for me is in a motherly way and not a wifely way. He says my expectations are to high for him. The counselor said to him, you are just a big kid aren’t you…laughing he said yes…she said I think you need to think about what I just said. Your wife wants a husband and a partner, to be a couple, not a 44 yr. old child. My expectations are this..Be my husband, my partner, my co parent, my friend, something other than what he is and has been for a very long time.
I was reading your blog and your patient's brother sounds so much like mine. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking, especially when there are children involved. I try to maintain some distance but it never works out. HIs kids or my mom beg me to do something, go see him, try to get through to him, help him somehow.I just keep getting frug back into his mess.
Im not married but this suits my relationship of two years perfectly. Of course, finding this out in marriage is so much more difficult. Thank you. This writing eases my pain and makes me feel better about the situation. After he admitted to me he was angry Monday through Friday and wasn’t where he saw himself at 30 years of age, it was then I finally realized that no amount of talking, crying, and trying was going to make him love me back the way I love him. Everything made sense once he said that to me. I recently started my nursing career and I’m happy. I have hard days for sure but I come home feeling like I made a difference for someone that day. I feel fulfilled. I have a great family who is always there for me and I have most of the things I want. I dreamt about our future together and I found myself working my life around his but he just wasn’t on the same page. I told him during our final breakup that I knew he wasn’t happy at work but that I prayed for him everyday and will continue praying and he responded with “I’m not religious.” It hurt my heart that he didn’t see how much I care about him, how much I want to be on his team, and help him get through any struggle. I was his biggest fan. 🙁 But there’s nothing I can do about it and I see that now. It’s not me.
I've been married just 3years but I find no meaning in my marriage.everyday I feel regretful that I made this commitment.I hoped for friendship,companionship,love and care but pain is everything there is.my husband and I hv nothing to share.he has a world of his own while I figure out how am gonna have to live with my kids in this.we have a little girl who sees me cry a lot about my unhappiness.Now am expecting and distressed.I hope one day I find a happy life through a good choice.
Sometimes, as a woman, we can forget how vulnerable our man is. Make sure you tell him you love him, often. Just as we like to be told we are loved and cuddled, men like to be reassured with the same. Make sure he knows how much he means to you. Men want to feel loved and wanted, even if they don't always show it. Reminding him of how much he means to you is a heartfelt gesture that will make him feel wanted and loved.

Thank you for your article, there are so many questions that go through your head when you are contemplating divorce. Your article put a lot of things into perspective for me. After 26 years of marriage to a really good man, I'm just not sure I love him the way I should anymore and I think he is equally feeling the distance between us. I truly thought he was my forever (if that even exists) and it is so hard to make that final decision to leave. Addictions are the biggest problem, gaming, pornography, etc. and it is really the emotional emptiness that hurts the most. Trying to understand why someone becomes so addicted to things (so easily) is frustrating for me. I've tried to listen and understand his problem, but it just seems like a weakness more than an illness to me. For anyone going through this, I feel empathy, it is honestly the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life--and I haven't even filed for divorce yet. Thanks again for the article.
i am in the exact same thing that you are ... i love him so much and i cant let him go ! i want to fight for us and stay together ! i have fought for so long and whats the point of giving up now ? we have been together for one year and five months i cant imagine losing him forever .. he means so much to me i dont know what to do ? any tips ?..... :''(
What about a spouse who suffers from depression and refuses to get the help he needs. A father of 3 young children who is saying hurtful things to his 4 year old son? He jumped out of our van with the kids inside because he didn’t want to have a discussion. He was on meds for 6 weeks in winter of 2010 and went off, saying the doc said to (she’s my doc too and we have spoken and she recommends meds for a year) I’ve given him a year to try to go on his own terms but with attacking our son verbally that has challenges from a premature birth I refuse to watch him destroy our childrens lives because of his unwillingness to get the help he needs. His parents are concerned about him as well. I’ve just ordered some self help books recommended by a psychologist friend. I have definately fallen out of love with him. This has been going on for 4 years, seems he sort of lost his mind when I became pregnant with twins. Any suggestions??? My doctor said often the non-depressed spouse has to leave or ask the spouse to leave before they will finally get help but often they still won’t get the help they need.
I absolutely love your tips. They are all so true. Sometimes as married women we have to give and take to make our relationships work for ourselves and our children. It is difficult sometimes when you think that you are the only one being considerate and making an effort, but sometimes that's what it takes when you really love your man. There is really no point arguing all the time. This will only cause misery and hatred in the relationship. I personally love being sexy for my husband. I aslo respect him, take care of the house and cook although I do not really like to cook. Doing these things make me feel like a stronger woman; like I am able to take care of myself and my family.
My new almost boyfriend is kind, wise and occasionally silly in a sweet kind of predictable way.  His jokes are obvious and not worthy of the tonight show, but I so appreciate that he tries to joke that I adore him.  I know a few true professional comedians offstage and all of them have control problems in that they don’t know when to stop, have boundaries issues and you have to have a very thick skin to hang around them when they drink. They seem to think everything and everyone is fair game no matter how tired you are or what is going on in your life.  I don’t believe any of them really want to hurt people’s feelings they just cannot seem to relate to the world without joking.  It is truly non-stop.
If something comes up with his work schedule and he has to stay for a late meeting, don't freak. Yeah, sure, he missed dinner (again), but at least he is calling and letting you know. From time to time, things will come up where you will be disappointed. Don't overreact, take a deep breathe and understand. Try to not take things personally, as your husband is already stressed out enough from those types of situations.
Remember when you and your husband first starting dating? You were the carefree woman who laughed and flirted? Life's stress can really take a toll on a relationship, and sometimes we forget to laugh. Flirt with your husband. Tell stupid jokes. Reminisce about funny things that happened. Life can't always be fun and games, but let it be sometimes. Keep the humor going between the two of you and keep things funny and fun.
See if they take your requests seriously. If they don't make continued effort over a period of a month. Ask them if they have decided that they cannot or will not make an investment in the way you have asked for. If they say yes, then ask if there was some misunderstanding or information they lacked to make progress. If they say yes then revisit that discussion. If no (or if that lack has been addressed) then ask them if there is something they would like to tell you about their needs that perhaps you might not be meeting (remember this is key: you want to raise the standard of your relationship not of one partner’s relational skill set).
To be successful in this relationship we recommend you to understand and study a little male psychology. In most cases, our vague intuitions about something are not all correct so it can sometimes be difficult to understand. The truth is, it really can be easy to know what they think. Just believe what he tells you and take it as an honest truth. One of the most important points that we should know about men is that they value loyalty a lot, that is, if we are loyal to our boy this will be worth a lot. Nothing is more attractive to a man than a girl who is honest and positive at all times.

Where shud i start, so unhappy.. been married nearly 3.years.. he doesnt care ALWAYS teln me he wants to leave etc.. we have a lil two years old boy… My lil boy is my happiness… My husband doesnt understand or care, he says its alrite to chat to girls on facebook to leave comment as long as he dont see them, but he did last year n was lying until this addmitted he really was seeing dat bitch.. he i although he left me n my baby for 3weeks alones saying he dont care about any other girl, but he dont me first either…. Our sex life can be boring, he doesnt kiss me on my lips, he flirt with me or asks me to wear sexy clothes for him.. we have lotsof arguements, its him n his stupid project he is an animator, he always put his family first then his work last me n our baby.. its like im NOT HIS FAMILY just agirl he calls wife… He doesnt know the meaning of wife n child.. sometimes i just want to phone my ex n go with him far, coz he made happy alot, we seperated coz of family crisis… My husband loves european girls, even though im not bad looking girl much better looking then him lol i just want a man to love me for me, not tel me he is embarrassed by me coz i havnt been to uni as if im illitrate, which im NOT.. he comes late, if iask how come ur late,he tells me im taking his freedom away from him,he tells me, he dont owe me anything.. i dont trust him at all.. his family also brainwash his mind about me, they think they r sooo good coz been to uni n have careers, life is not all about education n treat others like nothing n be ignorant.. sometimes when we have fights he phones his mum, that really ANNOYS ME coz a man nearly aged 40 phoning his,mum!!wat a joke!! Im 28.. destiny is cruel to have met him.. he is sooo cold n heartless.. although he doe buy me clothea,n put me in gym n bought me a car, wen we have arguements brings al to my face.. basically he says,being married dont mean he has to listen to his wife, he can come home weneva he wants, n as da wife shudnt have da right to ask him any questions,chats to any girl on facebook even if flirting etc.. So many other things. I cant stand his family, his family dont like me either,i have done NOTHING to them rather its them that phoned me cussed me… Coz if him moaning to them.. sometimes i want him to leave then i think to myself, how will i cope financially with a baby… He wont help me with baby, even now most times i feel like single mum… He is totally opposite in what i want in a man..

If your boyfriend is trying to change the way you behave or the way you are in general that definitely means that he`s unhappy in your relationship. If you don`t feel like making any changes, let him know about it. If he gives an ultimatum, do you really want to be with such a person? Love yourself, respect yourself and don’t allow anyone, including your man, ruin your individuality. Discuss things both of you want to change and think about what each of you can do to improve your relationship without making a sacrifice.
HELP HELP >>> Hi I got married in Aug 2012, We never communicated prior to our wedding regarding future plans for our lives. We have a baby now and my husband has done everything possible for paying for everything, We was living in his sister house and his sister and mother was living in his house.So it is now that we need to move back to his house and also take care of his mother and I accepted and taken the responsibilty with my husband. I did however tell my husband that there will need to be conditions layed down before I move to his mother that she needs to allow me to take care of the household. So when my husband proposed the conditions to her and she was not happy , he called them to discuss the situation and when the sister, mother and brother came they rant and raved and ended up beating me. My husband didnt even stand up for me, I just held my baby while they beat me, and to a drinking glass and threw at me.My husband ended up with the astma attack and asked them to leave. he seemed upset with them but after a day or he was back on speaking terms with them, He still communicates and call them but still has not asked them to come apologise to me… He now decided to let his mum stay in the house ( which we will be paying ) and we going to look for place to rent , a cottage perhaps:( I am wondering whether I should leave him , whether this marraige is worth it???? please let me know if I am doing the right thing, Clearly he love his mother more than me and my child.
And just a word on sarcasm.  I discovered the rush of sarcasm in my teens.  I had a sharp, witty, sarcastic comeback for everything.  I have to say I was a bit full of myself in that area.  I thought being able to have a comeback for everything actually had value.  One day my sister told me that what I had said didn’t make her feel good, she asked me if I ever stopped to think about how those remarks affected other people.  I had never stopped to think about that, but I did then.  Sarcasm is “humor” with an ugly twist, tread lightly.
Christine, I think you are mixing apples with oranges on this one.  It is not that the person has a flaw, physical or mental, it is that they are the ones responsible for seeking their own treatment.  I do not think telling someone you love “you need to get help with this because it is destroying us” is abandoning anyone.  It is asking them to take responsibility for their own health and well being.  When we are dealing with adults, we cannot “get them to a doctor”.  We can suggest, we can recommend, we can even beg or plead….but we cannot “make” them do anything. 
It’s one thing to leave a downer partner you’re casually or seriously dating in order to take care of your own needs, but what happens when you meet and marry a happy person, start having a wonderful life and children together, and then your previously happy partner starts becoming moody/depressed?  What if the depression is caused by a terminal illness or some other life-altering event?  Do you get a divorce so you can take care of yourself?  
So I’ve been married since July 2010. Ever since i have been so unhappy. I tried being the “perfect” wife in the beginning & then soon realized I was taking care of EVERYTHING; my husband, the dog, our car, the house, finances, even doing the “man chores”. I started getting tired and am never feeling appreciated. During the holiday’s it is a pain to get him to celebrate or be romantic in any way. He never does anything out-of-the-blue for me and I am still stuck picking up after him and doing favors for him, but he never is returning it. We have been in multiple areguments about this & he says he understands & is sorry, but never shows it. He sometimes will do a favor now, but i get so annoyed & don’t even want to ask anymore because he’ll do it half ass and take the easy way, so i end up having to go back & do it anyways… PLUS he doesn’t even know how to fix or build things. I am always fixing our car, hammering down wall mounts & pictures, messing around in the yard, etc, etc…
Im 22 years old and have a pne month old baby boy. After moving in with my now husband, I found out he was cheating on me with a co-worker even before I was pregnant. When I confronted him hr first denied it until I showed him proof. I love him very much. His son and me need him. I dont want my child to not grow up without his dad. If it was just me I would of left. But im thinking about what is best for my son. After we talked about it we said we would try to make it work. I thought he would stop but I catch him lying to me and getting out to go see her. I went through his phone and saw that he tells her he loves her and hates having to leave each other. She tells him that she hates knowing that he comes home to me. I love him but I feel so hurt about everything especially after the fat that we have a son now. We had made so many plans that im am soo confused and not sure of his feelings. He doesn’t tell me he loves me. He says that the fire in our relationship is not there or the love like when we meet 2years ago. I dont know what to do or how to make our relationship work. How do I bring tjat intimacy back into our relationship. Im not talking about sex but emotionally.
Is your significant other coming right out and saying he's unhappy with your relationship? Most likely not. Men are more apt to keep things in or show their displeasure in other ways. Or perhaps he's "telling" you he's unhappy about isolated events or situations in your partnership, but hasn't outright said, "Hey babe - this isn't working for me." Whatever the case may be, here are 15 signs he's unhappy in your relationship.
Cheer up Jan, this one is for sure! One day you are going to laugh about this!!! ;0) You are not a victim, you guys lost in translation. :0) If he gets sexual with you, then this is the minimum that he should come clean and tell you why all this weird behavior from a newly wed husband? It’s not fair, and you feel that. Do you feel that he is dishonest? If sex is so amazing what drives him out from your warm bed? All you can do to be honest to him from your heart, find the right time moment, you can’t force nature, after you think and feel you have tried everything and still he is not changing or responding to your wonderfulness, then you have to decide how healthy it is for you to stay in this relationship. If this doesn’t work for you, then why not close this chapter and start a new one with beautiful shiny white papers, you are the star! The story is in your head and in your heart …Imagine your perfect life and allow yourself to feel that amazing feeling, be there, feel it and you manifest it. Stop worrying, what do you have to loose? A not working relationship whatever should the outcome be. I wish you happiness. All the best.A

Time went on and I tried. Counselling, relationship courses, religion, mental breakdowns. And then I worked painstakingly through "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Getting out was the hardest thing I have ever done - to intentionally break up a home and shake the foundation beneath my children's feet made me wilt and doubt everything about myself. But the result is beyond expectation - I had forgotten what normal and happy was. Now I remember and my children remember and laugh with me.
I have been married for the last nine months and have been with my husband for the last nine years. I am 25 years old. Lately my husband and I have been going through some really rough times. I want to have things to do in my free time (ie sports) that is for me. He doesn’t want to be involved but also wants me home when the sun goes down. Mind you I don’t stay out all night, I am home around 8:30 from practice. It has made me come to realize we are on completly different paths for our lives. He wants children now and I don’t. He thinks people should spend their free time with an extra job or house work and I don’t. We both hold down full time jobs and I am going to school full time also. We have a home that is paid for along with both of our vehicles, so why do we need to work all the time. I want him to support and be involved my life. He said he doesn’t know if he can make me happy but he doesn’t try or do anything different, when i suggested counseling he said “he wasn’t going to do that”. I don’t know what I need to do but I know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. Help.
Peter I agree. Infidelity is a symptom and not a cause. Any good relationship is built on communication. For those guys out there who think that your wife’s complaints about “we don’t communicate” or “you don’t understand” are just traits of a woman, go home tonight and find out were the hell things went wrong – FAST. If she has given up on trying to communicate with you, this is your sign. Without communication, your marriage is a ticking time bomb – because every storm becomes more difficult to weather and when the big one hits, you won’t be able to put things back together. A lack of communication ultimately divides a couple and they seek out those who do communicate with and understand them. I cheated on my wife (via text) while she was really sick – I let my jealousy of her supportive friends blind me to everything which should have been important – like focusing on my wife. As a result, my wife fell in love with her supportive friend and is now on the way out the door. She is trying to give me a chance, but our communication was so poor that all I could do is hurt her more as I continued to fix all the wrong things. My family is gone. My life is over. I cannot forgive myself. I want to kill myself. Please don’t learn from my mistakes. Everyday I wake up, I search for reasons to stay alive, but I am running low on excuses – my current motivation is that I would feel like such a coward for not manning up to the consequences of the hurt I put her through and I cannot leave my son. She is all that I have known for the last 10 years. I love her soo much. I love my son soo much. She deserved soo much better. Please don’t learn from my mistakes.
The truth is, men are mostly taught to “man-up” and deal with our own emotions. We aren’t told how, when and where to release them or to deal with them in a healthy manner. It’s basically just “stop acting like a little b*tch and get over it”. And sometimes the issues that men go through are much DEEPER than just a momentary emotion, because some dudes are dealing with severe mental problems, but because mental illness is such a taboo topic (especially for BLACK men), it becomes a subject that gets overlooked.
Don’t fall into the trap of believing you only have two options: staying married and staying unhappy, or getting a divorce and getting happy again. If you’re feeling scared and sad because of these warning signs your marriage is over, then perhaps you’re ready to go beyond that false choice (“Do I divorce so that I can find happiness again, or do I keep the family together and remain unhappy?”).
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