“When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean,” writes Ellie Lisitsa in The Four Horsemen: Contempt on The Gottman Institute’s blog about strengthening relationships. “Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
Where and how do you start getting healthy and letting go? You try different things until you find what works for you. Maybe a marriage counseling program will help. Maybe you need to do something, such as changing your life — perhaps by moving to a different city, traveling, or getting individual counseling. Some people find physical spa treatments helpful, or alternative therapies such as reiki or energy healing.
At this moment, I am still ready to move on, but again, the fault is mine!! “If you want to stay with me it is OK, otherwise I can’t stop you from leaving” are the actual words”. It is difficult to equalize the things we did to each other, but I cannot forgive her now only to plot how to hurt her bad down the road. This is what she did to me. In her defence for my presenting the evidence, my “affair” constantly came up. She still refuses therapy and I am at a breaking point. She still claims she has not done anything wrong and I guess according to Laurie’s article this smells like the end. I refuse to believe that, but I guess it is a matter of time before more truth smacks me in the face and wakes me up from this illusion that I live in.
6. Trust him: We know rom-coms taught you that men are incompetent horndogs who turn into drooling cavemen around even mildly attractive women, but please remember to respect your partner’s intelligence by not falling for this shit. Do not hound him about his cute co-worker, neighbor, or friend. Insecurity is a major boner-shrinker, and unwarranted lecturing, snooping, and accusing are sure to get you nowhere. If you have any legitimate concerns about cheating, a respectful and honest conversation is usually the best place to start.
I can’t tell you if you made the right decision, but I do encourage you to think of your long-term happiness (and health — because it’s stressful and unhealthy to be the sole income earner in your marriage like you were!). Keep your life and relationship goals at the forefront of your mind: do you want to live with a man like your husband for the rest of your life? Can you envision yourself supporting him and your household bills all alone — is that what you want your life to look like?
When we first met and the first year of our relationship, up to the first few months of the marriage were wonderful… but as soon as we got married he stopped caring… about much of anything really. He doesn’t shower like he should and smells horrible. Doesn’t take care of most personal hygiene. Refuses to partake in housework. Refuses to leave the house for anything. Didn’t shave for a month recently. Only did it because his MOTHER told him to. I’d been getting on him for weeks about it because even not trimming it looked sloppy.. but he didn’t bother. Doesn’t care about his appearance at all. It’s like he stopped needing to make an impression once he got married.
My husband and i got Married last year and we have been living happily for a while. We used to be free with everything and never kept any secret from each other until recently everything changed when he got a new Job in NewYork 2 months ago.He has been avoiding my calls and told me he is working,i got suspicious when i saw a comment of a woman on his Facebook Picture and the way he replied her. I asked my husband about it and he told me that she is co-worker in his organization,We had a big argument and he has not been picking my calls,this went on for long until one day i decided to notify my friend about this and that was how she introduced me to Mr James(Worldcyberhackers@ gmail. com) a Private Investigator  who helped her when she was having issues with her Husband. I never believed he could do it but until i gave him my husbands Mobile phone number. He proved to me by hacking into my husbands phone. where i found so many evidence and  proof in his Text messages, Emails and pictures that my husband has an affairs with another woman.i have sent all the evidence to our lawyer.I just want to thank Mr James for helping me because i have all the evidence against my Husband  in court.
I will most certainly survive this. In retrospect, I am glad I owned up to my “affair” and let everything be known. On occasions, I might have regreted, but after her seeing her behavior after being cuaght, I am confident I did not make a mistake. Simply becuase there is nothing better than clear conciousness, knowing I did all that I could. Comparing that with her ridicoulus explanations for posting on numerous sites, constantly lying, pretending nothing happened. And, yes, there was not a single “sorry” from her in all this.

I am my new husbands 4th wife. He has a handicapped son that lives with us, the son is now 28 years old, he is agressive and my husbands feeling of guilt means that he has to go out of his way all the time to give his son a normal life, he runs around like crazy to make him happy, i am therefore a very close second in his life, not first. When we got married i had no idea that things would turn out like they are, i love my husband and i am sure that he loves me. Problem is, we have almost no signs that we are married. I have slept alone in our bed for the last 6 years, he has to sleep with his son for security (medical) purposes. We do not share a dinner table and we seldom do things together, when we do have a chance to talk, he will fall asleep on the couch. We differ 18 years, i understand that he is tired, i also work and are tired too. My husband does not like my oldest son and to the degree that i had to move my son to live with my sister. I feel like all the dreams of love and intimacy of family will never be a reality for me again. I am very lonely and my heart breaks for my son and rebellious things that he starting to do. I have never used anything as escape and recently found that a few glasses of wine each night helps to dimm all the emotion.. we are bringing the ugliest out of each other, i some days don’t even recognise myself and are starting to believe my husbands bad words against me, and then he brings me tea every morning, he never skip, no matter how bad the fight was. We mostly fight about how he treat or speak to my boys. Our daughter are in the middle of this all, she does not deserve this. We have talked about divorce and then he threatens to take our daughter, and then the next morning he brings me tea again. This has been going on forever. Please advise on what you think i should do?


I recently told my husband of a little over a year (we’ve been togehter 5 years total and have a 2 year old together) that I wanted a seperation. I’m not happy with our marriage and I havn’t been for a long time I don’t believe we should ever have gotten married but at the same time I love him and I’m so scared that I will change my mind. I work full time, go to school full time and take care of our daughter most of the time while he works at a restuarant as a server about 20-25 hours a week making little to know money (and he’s 6 years older). I’m tired of not only carrying the financial burden but of nothing being good enough. Nothing I do seems to be right for him I don’t clean or cook enough. We also are barely ever itimate I’m in my early 20’s and would like to have regular intercourse with my husband and it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to beg him to be with me and even when we are he acts like it’s a treat. I’m so scared that somehow he will talk me into staying with him (b/c he can not support himself), but on the other hand he is the father of my child and I don’t want to abandon him to be homeless (he has no family here). I just don’t know where to draw the line? When does it become him taking advantage of me? and how do I prevent him from talking me into staying especially when I KNOW that it would be bad?
I read through your article and it stands out for me amoungst the others I’ve read. My husband is a good man, doesn’t cheat, and he still loves me, but I don’t love him. We have been married for almost 2 years and together for 4. We got married when I was 18 and he was 23, so we are 20 and 25 now. I think we just got married way too young and I see that now. I felt love for him after we first started dating, but I think I was in love with the idea of him and marriage and I wasn’t actually ever in love with him. I find myself constantly asking myself “Why did I get married?” and I also find myself entertaining the idea of an affair. We have stopped being intimate. When we were intimate, I rarely felt anything. He is such a good man, and I do still care for him very much, but its not in the way a wife should care for he husband. I have no idea what to do. I try to explain to him that I am unhappy in our relationship and I no longer want the same things that I used to and it goes in one ear and out the other. He loves me very much, this I know, so I’m afraid of hurting him to the point where he will never find happiness again. Yes, I know, I’m very young, but this is one of the many things that has gone into the ruin of my marriage. Please help me. Thank you.
"The biggest mistake I see women doing in their marriages is showing a lack or admiration and respect for their husbands," international dating and relationship expert Megan Weks told me in an interview. "If you want him to be happy, feel loved, and feel sexually attracted to you, he needs to feel admired. He is not going to tell you this and he may not even be able to pinpoint the problem, but if you are doing and saying things which beat him down instead of build him up, you are asking for your man to be unhappy in the marriage."
as a form of working on the marriage and refused to move back in several times yet the love making and sex has so much chemistry in it .always has.through out the year in januaury he said to much time and pain and he wasnt going to go any forther with trying my heart is so broken dont know what and how to get through to him please help we are christians and i desire this marriage to work
I have been with my husband for 5 years now and just a couple months ago I found out he cheated on me with his coworker. When I confronted him about his infidelity he stated it was my fault for going through his phone and discovering that he has been cheating. Since then he distances himself from me and refuses to cut contact with her. When I ask him why won’t he stop talking to her he tells me he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. I go out of my way to make things right again and he clearly doesn’t not even try but he says he still loves me and wants to be with me.

Perel felt that it was unrealistic and unfair to try to have one person (your spouse) fulfill all those needs, so it’s okay to have polyamorous lifestyle. Polyamory is where a couple decides to have intimate relationships with other people with the knowledge of everyone involved. The idea behind this is that everyone’s needs get met in an open, honest way, and everyone ends up happy.

I love this.  It’s hitting home for me now and like to hear how important it is to communicate concerns as a way to be there for your significant other.  My boyfriend didn’t leave me, but was unhappy with my unhappiness.  Had I known his feelings earlier,  I would have changed.  All the while I was unhappy,  I didn’t realize it.  Now my boyfriend seems to be in the position I was a few months ago.  While I entertain the thought of leaving him, I’m now reminded by your response that I need to voice my concerns first!

I understand where your at, Im in the same situation. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs now and we have a 1 year old. He tells me he doesnt want us anymore. I cant seem to let go nor move on. I keep on trying to make him love me because I dont want to lose the chance at having my kids miss out on a family. I cant seem to make him love me again. I do feel foolish because he doesnt feel any love for us, and thats not enought for me to get up and leave.


I have been married for 25 years and have two grown up children who live at home. The first ten years were great, then my husband had a serious drink problem. We lost everything, he got help and sobriety came and I soldered on. I know he went through a lot, we all did. We lost everything, my feelings of self worth and feeling special diminished. We lost our home and everything. During that period, he changed as a person. One day I found out he was dabbling again with alcohol, so I took my kids and left. I went away for a year, he searched for me and I returned living in a rough area in a council house it was tough. I loved him and wanted it to work, maybe because I wanted to think he wanted me more so that a bottle of vodka. Anyway, we have moved about a lot trying to get back on our feet but financially it's always a struggle. I feel so unhappy, we work, talk and that's it. No excitement, fun and not much laughter. I just feel I can never trust him, as I know he has lied to me a few times. He told me he had given up smoking and he hasn't. How can I trust a man that cannot tell the truth, how can I love someone who doesn't love me enough to be honest. Our sexual relationship died many years ago, and not have a sexual relationship for over ten years makes me feel less of a woman. I have never strayed, but I just want to be happy overall. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to live on my own, I am in a country with a visa but no savings. I feel I have no way out. I need to find myself, before I get lost.
We married 18 years ago (coming up shortly), were both each others first partners. Just simply fell in love and married. Marriage worked quite well, we never had any of those “standard” problems: we were both frugal with money, modest, faithful to each other, were not too much into this “great sex” thing that you can read in magazines or on the internet. We had a lot to talk about, joking all the time and had two children. She is a great mother and role model. Basically, everything I would want in a wife. However, a nagging issue that was not addressed from the outset was our relationships with each other’s families. The funny things about this is that we are immigrants and our families do not even live in the same country. She never hid it that she hates my family even though she never spoke to many of them nor they ever visited us. She even went that far to teach kids how their cousins are bad kids even though she never met them! (BTW, they are valedictorians in their schools, but that is not the point). This issue surfaced when her mother visited here, which turned out to be a weird experience for me. They were literally fighting about everything and her mother went home crying. She vowed never to talk to her and her father again, which she did. This was quite a surprise to me given that when we dated, it looked like a very healthy family to me. Both her parents adored me, so to this day, I am not sure what happened between them. This was 11 years go, fast forward three years ago, we had not had sex for 11 months. She chose to sleep with kids who she adores. I did not press the issue, which is the first problem in our marriage. We just do not communicate well. When I occasionally mentioned this, she would cite work, being tired, kids love it etc etc. When I offered household help, I could never get it right; there is always too much water on the counter, a spot on the dishes etc… To this day, I do not know what triggered this, but this turned out to be beginning of all the current troubles. Things turned to worse when her father died. I tried to help with grieving and offered to talk how to help financially with the funeral and all (which she did not attend, btw) etc. She just clammed up, did not want to talk to me at all. At that time, I was simply fed up and primed myself to the biggest mistake of my life. I basically opened myself to respond to whatever romantic oppportunity came along. Not seeking, just responding. Unfortunately, it did. An aggressive woman approached me at a meeting and we started chatting over the email. I kept my composure not to do anything physical, zero (not a touch). Nevertheless this would basically amount to cheating. This went on for about three weeks. As life would have it, she found the emails and one text message and was devastated. I stopped immediately, but we never talked about it more. So, in the books, this went as my being a cheater. Nothing about lack of sex for the past whole year or any other reason why I was shut out (this is not an excise for what I did). She did offer to go to counseling back then, but I refused, because I knew that what I did was a mistake and I stopped and promised never to do anything stupid like that. No need for someone else to tell me that. Now, the part that scares me the most. In the meantime, it looked to me she forgave me, but only on the surface. We would have sex, but out of nowhere she started using lubricants. We would never kiss, or any other foreplay. She simply refused me to satisfy her in any way. So, it felt like I was raping somebody,which I mentioned to her several times. Response was always be happy that you get something, many men do not even have that. After sex I would have this guilty sinking feeling I am hurting her and I just could not take it any more. I can’t physically hurt the person I love! I started being frustrated and wanted to talk about what is going on. She refused most of the time then on occasions would mention my “affair”. Then, since the end of last year she again began refusing sex. We are back to being close to breaking our “record”. She does not even want me in bed, trying to stay as far away as possible. Any attempt on any kind of touch (even holding hands) is met with a violent negative response. She began to be frustrated with taking care of children, constantly mentioning how she does everything and not being appreciated, how she wishes to go on vacation somehwere by herself, just to be alone etc etc. I began breaking down and started saying that I will leave her if she does not at least want to talk to me. All to no avail. I guess, this is another mistake; don’t say it if you don’t mean it! But, again, when things build up inside, some sort of outlet must be found. Now, to top it all off, I found out that she posted her profile on a dating site and to my direct question whether she is dating anyone responds “if I did I would be much happier”. She also started posting provocative pictures of herself on Facebook. Of course, she blocked me from viewing her profile, but I have friends who showed me those pictures. All in all, our life now consists of her sitting behind computer, closing windows as soon as I am around, locking it when leaving for a while, while I desperately try to establish any kind of communication and live in frustration. Our family life has basically disappeared. No more family outings (we take children out separately), no family vacations, no friends over. She has established a new circle that consists mostly of divorced women who claim to have great sex life and are showing off their much younger lovers with great bodies. All of a sudden, I need muscles, great six packs etc. Divorce has become a viable option for her, which is a complete turnaround from when we met, when she was always apprehensive of anyone who divorced and I had to give up a male friend who divorced.
I admit not bringing up the topic again at this point because of my own lack of courage. I am not in an environment where I can sit down with my grandparents and have a discussion about my attitude and their attitude about my mother's behavior and illness. It seems to be treated as a taboo subject. I agree that I have been enabling her behavior more than I should out of my own fear of being reprimanded by my grandparents while I am staying in the household. I try to stand up when I can but I place myself in a position where I pick and choose which of my mother's behavior is acceptable and which isn't based on the belief of my grandparents instead of my own. I am struggling to redefine her illness for myself instead of using the model of my grandparents. It is difficult to be in a situation where standing up and saying we are enabling her behavior is actually seen as the disruptive behavior. I am told that by standing up to her that I am the one creating trouble and causing them problems (because they allow her to run back to them and complain and cause tantrums). So I submit out of my own fear that I am making the lives of the caregivers more difficult. Unfortunately I think they are making it difficult for themselves by allowing her to complain to them and enabling her behavior. I do not know what to do in this situation.
Having a solid communication is the key element of every relationship. Unfortunately, our true communication is often contained in that which is unspoken. We change communication for manipulation. Things like silent treatment or expecting others to read our minds can only be used for the purpose of torturing our partner and ourselves also. We were given words to communicate with, not crystal balls. And when we say something, we should really mean it and stand behind it. There’s no need for nagging. If you are consistent and keep your words and actions in alignment, if you take your own words seriously, that’s the way your husband’s gonna understand them too.
I found this post interesting. I am a stay at home mom (I only work a few hours a week). My husband is a good, moral, decent man. That will never change. But he used to be loving, caring, affectionate and helpful and that definitely changed. That being said, I try to take my job as a stay at home mom seriously. I do not expect him to do any “female” chores. Beyond being our sole financial support, he maintained all cars, the lawn, the trash and any major home renovation. I do the smaller ones. I’m not perfect, but I do my jobs. If I am down sick for 2 days, the house becomes an absolute h*ll hole. He has stopped even picking up after himself. I don’t say a word. But numerous times, during a bad argument he has complained that I do nothing. This not only hurts my feelings but it’s like “why am I even bothering?” And then it makes me question myself if I really am not pulling my weight. I mean, I really do try. But yes, sometimes I don’t get all the laundry done. Or maybe 1 day it’s the dishes and the next its a bathroom. I mean, I have many chores….and most days I would say I get 90% of it done. So each day there is something new that I didn’t get to I guess. He said it wouldn’t be acceptable at his work for him to not get everything done and he resents the fact that I don’t have anyone I have to answer to but he does. I don’t know. I just start to feel like I am failing. Some of these women seem to have it so together. Makeup done, not a hair out of place, kids beautifully dressed, house immaculate…I can’t seem to get there. And constantly feel bad.
Optimism has magic in it. Looking for beauty and truth and what is right has magic in it. No matter where you are, you can find something about that place that is beautiful, true or good, even if it is simply the lessons you are able to learn there. Look for what is RIGHT about where you are. No matter what situation you are in, there is something good to find inside of it. Look for what is RIGHT about a situation. No matter who you are with, you will be able to look in their eyes and see their value, finding something wonderful and good in that person. Look for what is RIGHT about others.

I recently told my husband of a little over a year (we’ve been togehter 5 years total and have a 2 year old together) that I wanted a seperation. I’m not happy with our marriage and I havn’t been for a long time I don’t believe we should ever have gotten married but at the same time I love him and I’m so scared that I will change my mind. I work full time, go to school full time and take care of our daughter most of the time while he works at a restuarant as a server about 20-25 hours a week making little to know money (and he’s 6 years older). I’m tired of not only carrying the financial burden but of nothing being good enough. Nothing I do seems to be right for him I don’t clean or cook enough. We also are barely ever itimate I’m in my early 20’s and would like to have regular intercourse with my husband and it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to beg him to be with me and even when we are he acts like it’s a treat. I’m so scared that somehow he will talk me into staying with him (b/c he can not support himself), but on the other hand he is the father of my child and I don’t want to abandon him to be homeless (he has no family here). I just don’t know where to draw the line? When does it become him taking advantage of me? and how do I prevent him from talking me into staying especially when I KNOW that it would be bad?
Well i have a question and need some help. I just left my husband who i was married to for 3 years but all together 6 years. We have one child together, He is a great dad and great to me here is the problem he will not work he has had many jobs in the past but u know something always happens. Never has he once paid for me to eat or something really nice no rent light etc… i was just fed up with it he would get mad if i bought myself something new and did not get him anything. Now i feel like i am all alone just me and my child i take care of myself and have a o.k job but get paid . I pay all my bills myself never getting any help from my husband. I looked and really cannot find someone going through my same situation.
There have been times that I have just cried while we were having sex because I felt cheap. It seemed like I felt guilty, almost like cheating on myself. I hope that makes sense. Then last night, I just felt nothing during sex. I can’t make myself get into it. I did that for awhile, I was able to make myself get into the physical part of it, but I can’t do the staring longingly thing anymore. I don’t feel it anymore.
"Taking time to regularly cuddle, touch, and show love and affection for your partner stimulates chemicals in the body like oxytocin and dopamine, which foster feelings of attraction. Without that feeling of connectedness, a divide can form, which can lead to unhappiness. Even a short amount of intimate time daily with your sweetheart can really keep that bond strong." —Antonia Hall, psychologist, relationship expert and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life
and I so badly want my marriage to work, not just for myself and my wife but my kids as well. My wife had a hard childhood. Her dad left when she was 10 and wasn’t involved in a good way until 8 years ago when his dad died and he told her he wanted to “make-up” for all the old wounds. Around the same time my wife went though depression. There were times she couldn’t get off the easy chair in our living room for days. She went to counciling and did the antidepressant thing and her therapist helped her decide she needed to go back to work. She had been a stay at home mom by her own choice for 12 years. She is a well paid professional in the medical field and was able to find a great, high paying job that she really likes right away. Almost as soon as she went back to work, she started spending more and more time there and with her “new friends” she works with. I have tried to be supportive and have left my job early to pick up the kids so she could stay late, go out with her friends, etc. At the same time she stopped having sex with me. We’ve been intimate maybe 5 times in the last 5 years and up until then had what she described as a great sex life. I’ve tried to find out what she wants or needs but she can’t tell me other then “not me”. Last week she told me that she is unhappy and that “part of me wants to stay and work things out, part of me doesn’t”. I asked her to read Mort Fertel’s book and do “Marriage Fittness” with me and she has read the first couple chapters but isn’t really committed. Our house has become quite messy due to her being unwilling to clean or cook dinner and she asked me to help get things more orginized and we have started that. The problem is she hasn’t changed any of her behaviors and comes home and just goes into a shell and finds ways to get me upset. Then she says something like “Well, that attitude just makes me want to read that book and work on things sooo much”! She only talks about her work and her friends from work and when I try to talk about anything else she withdraws and is uninterested. It’s been 8 years of her being withdrawn from me and 5+ without sex or affection. Now that I know she actually is at the point that she wants to end our marriage as much or more then save it, I’m having trouble being patient. She has totally ruled out going to councilling or therapy (it doesn’t work and is a waste of time and money) and while she agreed to “read” Mort’s book she hasn’t agreed to do anything and when I asked her what she thought of the part she has read she said “Well, I guess I can see what he’s talking about…” which isn’t making me think she will do anything but read the book. While for the last 15 + years I was the sole income earner, right now I’m not making any money due to the firm I was with closing after 9 years there. I’m working with a start-up and I hope that I’ll be making just as much or more then I had been and she does and we have savings so money isn’t yet a big problem but she is worried about it and I know she doesn’t like making the money. When I asked her what she needs she has said the biggest thing is she wants to move from our house to a better, bigger one so she probably feels that because I’m not yet making the money I had been that will be delayed but again, (It’s only been about 4 months since I lost my old job) she doesn’t have a reason to doubt I will be back to making good money again soon. I’m starting to feel “Why should I go into debt for 30 years with someone who isn’t going to even try to fix our marriage. There’s more of a chance that all that will happen is I’ll lose everything in a divorce”. I don’t know what to say when I’m told how wonderful I am and how it would be easier if I was an awful husband, father, etc. I feel so damn helpless and I know that sooner rather then later I’m going to hit a point where I can’t take it any more. I really am afraid that the woman who said before we got married “I don’t believe in divorce. When I get married it’s forever and will work to fix any problems to see to it”! is going to leave and destroy my family. I would appriciate any help you can give. Thank you.
My boyfriend of almost 4 years just broke up with me again, he says he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and it hurts so bad. I keep begging him cause I think it will help cause he does this alot it’s been a few month since the last time though that why I keep trying to hard to help us cause we also have a 2 years old boy and I’m now 35 weeks pregnant with our baby girl. It hurts so much and I really have no body to talk to besides family which is nice cause there always there for me but when he finally decides he wants me which usually takes about a week or so for him to eventually say to come back home. It’s so hard for me cause I’m only 18 and I have been with him since 15. It’s so hard because I feel like I have nothing besides our kids which he’s been saying he’s going to take them from me too. I have no money or a job I just feel like I have nothing, and I’ll have e to move back to my grandmother’s house which isn’t so fit for our kids to live but I will do what I have to do, it’s so hard too cause I also have his family saying that I should stay and not run away and I want too but how can I stay when he don’t want me anymore I keep trying but there’s no point when he tells me to leave him alone and he’s already adding other females and I don’t know if he’s talking to them everyone tells me to leave him alone but it’s probably been about 3 hours since I’ve tried to take to him about us. I love him and it’s so hard but I’m gonna try to take this advice which I usually what I do when he does break up with me but this time I don’t want to stop trying because I’m so close to giving birth and I just don’t want to give up so easily anymore

What about those that married and dreamed to have children and 4 years into the marriage you find out your wife will not be able to bear any of your children because of medical reasons and she has one of her own who is a teenager (girl) living in the household. The wife is not up for adopting and now she is like if you decide to leave she will understand because she has a child from a previous marriage and she understands a bond that a parent has and the father may never get to have that. The father can't stand to watch anything on TV where a family has a child or movies that reference a family with kids on it for awhile because he believes their lives are filled with so much happiness of taking care of a kid of their own blood. So...what... stay or leave.
MARRIAGE, THE WHYS THIS EVERTHING I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY MY HUSBAND A GREAT MAN A GREAT HUSBAND, A GREAT PARENT OVERALL HE WAS EVERYTHING TO ME… HE ONE DAY DECIDED TO LET ME KNOW HE WANTED A DIVORCE, I HONESTLY WAS VERY BLINDSIDED AND SHOCKED, I LOVE HIM IM IN LOVE WITH HIM AND HE WANTS OUT AS WELL AS HE WANTS TO THROW IT ALL AWAY, I ALWAYS BELEIVED I WAS GOING TO GROW OLD WITH MY HUSBAND I TOOK VOWS THAT ARE STILL SACRED TO ME WE RENEWED OUR VOWS I NEVER ONCE CHEATED ON HIM IM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND EACH DAY WHY THIS IS TRANSPIRING I BELEIVE HE HAS MADE UP HIS MIND ITS OVER AND THERE IS NO CHANCE HE HAS AN ALTERNATIVE PLAN I DONT EVEN BELEIVE HE EVER LOVED ME. I GIVE HIM HIS SPACE I STAY OUT OF HIS WAY WE STILL LIVE TOGETHER BUT I AM SURE THERES AN ALTERNATIVE SOMETHING ON HIS PART I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO WORK ALL THIS OUT HE WANTS NO PART OF IT ITS VERY HURTFUL AND SAD THERES NOTHING I CAN DO I TRIED TO SPEAK BOUT THE MARRIAGE HE STATES WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON AND HE WANTS OUT I BELEIVE OUR MARRIAGE WAS A PURE LIE TO ME FOR OVER 20 YEARS. I NEVER ONCE STOPPED LOVING HIM ALL I EVER WANTED WAS HIS ATTENTION AND AFFECTION AND LITTLE TIME FOR US. ANY SUGGESTIONS? OR IS IT OVER AND GO ON? PLEASE ADVISE I APPRECIATE AND WELCOME ALL ANSWERS THANK YOU SARA JOY
I fell in love with a boy in another religion when i was 18 years old.now iam 25.we both are of same age.im his third girlfriend.he promised me that he wil love until his last breath.but our relationship has a lot of problems.i cannot think of another man in his place.i love him so much that i cant live without him.i have told him many times that how much he mean to me as a boyfriend, but he stopped talking to me now..i cant think of even a second without him.he too said that he loves me so much.but things are getting different.we both are at different states.we see twice in a year since this relation started.now he is pursuing mba.he joined his new college last year.there he got lot of friends.
Maybe you did not understand… My wife is talking to 3 of my ex’s girlfriends and one is when I was in my 20’s… I am 42 now and my wife 39… Why is she talking to them it is immature… I am a liar now and I hear this because of the ex’s and it’s sad for me… I left my wife Dec 2016 and it did hurt a lot cause I did truly love her… I could not deal with the talking about my ex’s each night etc… I was feeling so bad that I had to think about my health first… I am never right she is and nothing I do is ever right… So I had to leave that situation… Why are people this way and it seem like they can’t see it…

But when I finally began to focus on me (the one person whose thoughts/actions/behavior I do have control over) I realized what a good therapist can do: help me clarify my own thoughts. Recognize my own cognitive distortions. Understand my own emotions. Modify my own behavior.....well -- it's been far harder than I ever thought, but it's also been far more beneficial - in more ways - than I ever imagined.
i have been married for 3 years and we just recently seperated and i know its my fault. i couldnt let go of the fact that she lied to me about sleeping with someone even when i asked her before we got married if she need to tell me anything. when she told me last october what had happened i felt as if our marriage was false and i always threw it in her face. Now reality has set in and i would rather change my ways and get her back then to be mad at her for the past and be lonely but i dont know how she feels. Because from october untill she left we fought everyday and i know its my fault what should i do?
There are few things like knowing that the person you're with just wants to be with you. When you feel solid and reassured by the level of love and communication in your relationship. There's no worry or stress about getting ghosted or cheating and your only worry about your partner is whether or not they've noticed that you're actively building and expanding your wedding board on Pinterest.

I have a confession. Sometimes, when my partner is distracted, I just look at him and wonder, what the hell is happening in that head of his? It's not that he doesn't communicate. He does. But I still wonder sometimes if he's really happy in our relationship. I know I can't be alone in this. Wouldn't we all love to be able to know for sure what's in the hearts and minds of our partners at any given moment? I do my best to look for the signs he's not happy in the relationship, but I can't help but wish someone very smart would hurry up and develop that mind reading tech already.


Wow, a lot going on here. My sense is that your husband may be depressed (or at least dysthymic) and that a lot of his negative thinking flows from that. Or, if not depressed, significantly unhappy, as he says himself. There may be one thing, or just a few things, that have landed him there that he either hasn't acknowledged to you, or hasn't even acknowledged to himself. Resetting expectations is a powerful technique to enhance resilience and reduce suffering (I discuss it at length in my book, The Undefeated Mind), and can be done without it meaning that "the world has won." That he's had 6 jobs in the last 13 years and that you sense he's always been "searching for something and simply not finding it" suggests he may be trapped in what Buddhism calls the world of Hunger. At the heart of this state of life lies a belief that if only we could fulfill our desires (whatever they happen to be) we will find long-lasting happiness. But of course, no desire provides that, so such people find themselves trapped feeling continual dissatisfaction with life in general. If he hasn't tried therapy, I'd strongly suggest it. He may have reconciled himself to life of minimal enjoyment, but you clearly haven't. If he won't do it for himself, perhaps he will for you and your daughter. Good luck.
The second thing that occurred to me is that you may be making excuses to stay where you are. Sometimes we’re afraid to make big changes in our lives, or tackle big confrontations with people, so we revert to “protecting” them….when we’re really just protecting ourselves. I don’t know if this is what you’re doing, but it is something to be aware of.
I have a regular full time job and have bills to pay. My children and I live with his mother and father and sister. He stopped communicating again. No texts, no calls. He didn’t even greeted me during our anniversary. He doesn’t want to receive/answer my call. My family got pity on me and they wanted me to come home. So, I decided to go home with my kids. He still doesn’t communicated with me or even ask how the kids are. I also think he has another woman there. I don’t want to go to him because I done begging and pleading our relationship will work. I am spent up, crying and asking why he is doing this to me. But I have decided to stop going after him and focus on the positive side. I don’t think our marriage will still work out and I am no longer hoping it will. I am still young, still 25 and maybe there is still a man out there who will truly love me.
I’ve been with my guy for a few years. His is my best friend, and I can honestly say I love him. Lately I haven’t felt happy. We are in a long distance relationship, and the last few times I got to see him I was not as excited as I was in the past. The thought of breaking up with him makes me feel sick sometimes, and the explaining to everyone would be exhausting. I look at my siblings and see how happy they are with their significant others. Sometimes I feel like I don’t look at my guy the way I see other couples look at each other.
My husband has been struggling for a while now. Probably a couple of years that I know of. I told him that if he needed to take some time away from his regular life to try and figure things out for himself, I would support him in that. Well....he thanked me and found a place to stay next month. Alone. He will still go to work, but be away from all other aspects of his routine home life.
Unfortunately, too many women I know get married and somehow, perhaps unconsciously, expect their husbands to make them happy. When things get hard — and they always do — rather than looking inward at where they may be at fault, too many women point the finger toward their partners. They blame him (or her) for the problems in their relationship. “If he would just pay more attention to me our marriage would be great!” or “If she would just help more around the house, things would be so much better.”
Sometimes we love those people who don’t love us back and as devastating as that is, all we can do is move on. I was in love with a guy for almost 6 years and I went through a lot of ups and downs. Out of the blue he basically told me he didn’t love me anymore and this is where our chapter ends. After 6 years, that’s all I got. I grappled with the thought for weeks and then I just accepted that this person no longer loved me. Regardless of how much love I poured into it, they didn’t even love me back or care. I was devastated, this happened months ago and I’m still devastated ya know but time heals everything. I know I gave it my all and that person decided that it wasn’t good enough for them. What do you do? You gotta pick up the pieces of your broken heart, take care of yourself, and move on. It’s not the end of the world, it just feels like it right now because your heart is broken. From one broken-hearted girl to the other, we are strong beautiful women and we will get through it. It was a setback but it’s not over for us. GOD bless you and I pray for peace, joy, and true love for you and anyone else suffering from an earth shattering heartbreak.
It is important to address your unhappiness as soon as possible, according to licensed clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley, Jr., in the article "When Should You Tell Your Spouse, 'We Have a Problem,'" on the website, Marriage Builders. "Don't let your problems build up before you find solutions," he says. Easily resolvable issues can become major problems if you hide your feelings for too long. Although it is important to get your general message to your husband, before you talk to him think about what, specifically, is making you unhappy. For instance, if your husband expects you to be a stay-at-home mom but you would like to work, tell him. Using specifics will give you and your husband an idea of what steps to take to make you feel more satisfied.

I have been married for almost 30 years. 11 years ago, my husband cheated on me. While we have tried to put things back together, I feel it has been a one way street. I know that since that he has not physically cheated, however I have found out that he has lied to me once again. He works very hard, and our lives right now are very stressful. I found out that he has been talking to a young woman for the last 3 months. She is an escort for a call girl service. He said that he knew talking to her was wrong, and has since stopped. He said it was a friend of one of his workers and she called on his cell because the worker’s cell was shut off. My husband swears to me that he wants to put all of this behind us and start all over. He says he feels differently now and wants to build a better future for us. He says that he promises to be the husband he should be. He went out of town on a business trip right after all of this happened. Yes, I know it is for work, because he stayed with a business partner and his wife who happen to be a friend. My husband is coming home tonight and I really am not sure if I should give him another chance. I have nowhere to go and no money to survive by myself. Any ideas?
get out, get out now, while you are still young. I was you 5 years ago. Don’t focus on the little details of why you can’t leave, your mental wellbeing and freedom are worth more. If you cannot find the strength to do so then find a councellor to help you find the strength and clarity you need. They can be pricey, but you would be amazed at what will come your way when you are ready for help. God be with you and be safe.
In the meantime, we're just going to have to trust our guts, and do some communication-related adulting to make sure everyone is happy and satisfied in the relationship. However, that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of clues to help you on your way. After all, the more skilled you are at picking up your partners cues, the better you will be at maintaining the health and well-being of your relationship. So, if you want to get ahead of the game, here are six things to watch out for, according to the experts.
Nothing makes a man ready to listen to how dissatisfied you are like hearing how your friend Jessica’s husband takes care of the kids every Saturday for the whole afternoon while she trains for a triathlon.  Obviously he will commiserate with you over the injustice that Jessica, who despite her athleticism is not even that hot, has a better husband than you have.  He might even be so overcome with sympathy that he walks directly out of the house.  Don’t worry, I’m sure he is headed to buy you flowers to make up for his stupidity and selfishness.

"When we think of communication, we think of talking," Astarte says. "That's not necessarily the case here." Plus, "talking" isn't just done with the mouth. "Communicating is done with our bodies as well as the vibes we send out to our partner," she reminds. "If you once had an in-joke or a couple ritual (e.g., Sunday coffee in bed) that has fallen away, it maybe time to raise the topic (lovingly) with your partner." Always, always with love.
If your partner allows himself to publicly humiliate you and laughs at your failures, do not expect anything good from such a relationship. Such a partner doesn’t respect you, and a strong and reliable union is impossible without respect. By criticizing you with other people, he unconsciously tries to prove to others (and himself) that it’s your fault that he stopped loving you.
I agree with Cathy, Aly. You struck a deep nerve for something. I am so sorry. I have just realized my husband of almost 30 years was not the man he pretended to be either. And he pretended the entire marriage, while rejecting me to the point I have been in what is considered a sexless marriage. I was a beautiful, happy, intelligent girl once but now that I am ill and old he told me he is a sex addict, that he has fantasies about every women I’ve ever been close to, that he took my (soon to become) best friend for sex the day before our wedding and the reason his suit was not ready was because he wasn’t planning on going through with it, that he wanted to leave me for her for the first 3-1/2 years of marriage… when his ‘first’ disclosure got past 6 women and he mentioned how full of life and energy my granddaugther was I exploded. She is/was 6 years old at the time. He goes after anything with a pulse and is one of the guys that masturbate in public hoping to get caught — even in areas with children. However, I thought he was a shy, sweet, creative and gentle man who would never harm a soul and didn’t have a dishonest bone is his body. He has enjoyed letting me know what a fool I was… then he retreats and becomes the person I thought he was, but this is only because he hasn’t gotten his next victim lined up. After I realized something didn’t feel right (illness can bring incredible clarity) then he took his mask off, and he was an insect wearing an Edgar suit. Truly evil, manipulative and cunning — not one bit like who I believe for my entire adult life. My shock just can’t settle down.
Wedded bliss, it seems, belongs in story-books. But interestingly, the most recent statistics reveal that divorce rates in the UK are falling. A report by the Office for National Statistics shows the number of divorces in England and Wales in 2009 (the latest year published) was 113,949, a 6.4 per cent decrease since 2008, when there were 121,708 — and the lowest since 1974.
I have been married for 2 years and I met my husband at church. He was such a wonderful and amazing man that after dating for 7 months we got married. Once we moved in he changed so much… I get it once you move in together you get to know the REAL person you married. But mann did he show me who he really was. After having 2 kids we no longer have communication, happiness or sex. Its heartbreaking to be taken for granted and knowing you love that person but he did tell me straight to my face he is no longer happy nor gets excited about me.
In the deepest moment of my despair I remember crying out to God, and in that moment He impressed a few things upon my heart. He told me that my husband wasn’t happy with his job, and he had sought another. He wasn’t happy with our friends, and had looked for new ones. He wasn’t happy with our home, and wanted a new house. It came down to the fact that he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t a happy person, and I was just one more thing he wished to change in his search for fulfillment. I honestly felt like God said, “it’s not you,” and I can’t explain the freedom and peace I felt at those words. It wasn’t me. 
Let me try to address the first one, your depression, I have many friends with clinical depression and they are all on anti-depressants, not a fan of meds, but they seem to work for them. Your husbands unhappiness, When someone is unhappy we all know that it is up to that person to figure it out, and really there is nothing we can do except offer support. Does your husband have a good relationship with his parents?
It can be difficult for men to work all day, come home and then be a part of all the business that goes on in the household. Sometimes when the woman of the house makes all of the decisions, the man can feel left out and feel like just a monetary provider. It’s important to include your husband in the household decisions being made surrounding the finances, children, and other important matters. You can leave all the minor decisions out, such as what type of laundry detergent you should buy.

@HappyInMarriage I, too am young in my marriage (3 yrs) and have lots of “broken families” in my family tree. But unlike you and many other people who think marriage should always be “saved”, I think the most important thing is the QUALITY of the relationship. My parents have a better quality relationship when they are apart, and I was relieved when they divorced. Not only that, I have many extra siblings from new marriages they formed who mean the world to me and have a much larger family because of all the “broken” marriages. People change, make mistakes, etc and who are you or anyone else to tell people that you know what is best for them and their family? Sometimes staying together is not the best option for the health of the relationship. Sometimes a “broken” marriage can lead to greater joy in the family and new relationships and a bigger family.


A Marriage Repaired: You can take on your marriage, improve yourself, deal with your children; or look realistically at divorce. There is dignity in making it work. And, there’s dignity in starting fresh for the right reasons. Take a look at Harville Hendrix or John Gottman's work on rehabilitating a marriage. For many, it can be done. Take an active role.
well fast forward to now, we separated in 2010, i moved to SC in 2011, i came home because i love no one like i love him, he keeps swearing that we are gonna work on this but every week the kids are (again) subjected to witness an unhealthy exchange between their parents, he calls me out of my name when he talks about me cheating, we have had some fights-i have had to be rushed to the hospital because i have fainted from arguing or being constantly badgered about my past sex life (i have congestive heart failure & type 2 diabetes)! he is an alcoholic & 6 1/2yrs younger than i am. now we are supposed to be moving in another apartment starting fresh & he tells me that his soul doesn’t agree with me-thats new! he has always said that he doesn’t trust me-even before i cheated! so last night he says he can never be proud of me or our marriage! smh-i don’t know what to do! i just know life can’t possibly be this miserable-i was happier when we were separated!
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My husband has told me that in addition to not being happy anymore, he is "emotionally involved" with another woman. I know who the woman is and considered her a friend. (BTW- my husband is technically this woman's boss, they work together) He says he feels a connection to her that he has never felt before and can read her emotionally, and he can't do that to me. This woman feels the same towards my hubby and is divorcing her husband (I just found this out). He spoke of several events in our lives where I may not have been happy, or had sacrificed my happiness for his (In my opinion, anyway). I think he basically is trying to get me to be the bad guy. I told him that until he is happy with himself, we can't determine how our marriage will be affected. I am trying to get him to talk to somebody, on his own, as I am. If we are both happy with ourselves an our marriage is still not working, that's the time to look at the next steps.
I’m Indian and Married to Romanian (Girl). We used to work in same company but on different locations and fall in love, it was kind of distance relationship..but something unbelievable. Almost 6 months we talked like this way and then decided to marry..She reached to India and we married. As our decision was to stay in Romania I accompany her there…In the beginning things were beautiful but gradually sweet turned in to sour…I take all responsibility as I was scared for my career…cause of global economy downfall I could get no job in Romania. Whenever I try talked about on this matter to my wife she got upset….she always said there are many people jobless don’t worry I am with you..but my esteem was not allowing me to sit back and peruse life on my wife’s salary…my biggest frustration not was, I have no job but I could do nothing for her….whenever we used to go out I could buy nothing for her and I always felt so bad, being a husband I was not able to do what I need to (take care of her by all means) it pinched me always…..
I kept telling him that I Knew something, if not an affair, was up. He finally admitted that there was something wrong and he didnt understand it. He explained that he loved me, he still believed we were soulmates but for some reason he wasn’t content. He insisted it was not my fault and there was no other woman. He felt he needed some time to discover himself as he’d never lived alone. Having lived with him since the age of 16 I thought maybe space was what we both needed and I agreed for him to go travelling. He had always been drawn to a particular country and its culture so I suggested he to go there. He was hoping I’d suggest that, I think he even leaned the conversation that way … just as I suspected from the moment he left, there was another woman waiting out there for him – he moved straight in with her and pretended he was staying with a male business client he had befriended. I eventually got the truth from him and he explained that he’d met her a few months before moving to that country. She was the reason for the passwords, etc. He said he couldn’t keep away from her – it was like some unexplained spiritual thing. They weren’t matched, he didn’t much like her as a person, and (I know this sounds pompous but) she is less attractive than me and not at all his type. He said that she had told him that she felt the same unexplained attraction to him. He said that when he moved in with her he knew what a mistake he’d made but (same old story) she had psychological issues (I’ve read her blog and can confirm this as she talks about her mental problems on there) and he felt an obligation to do things properly.
Anna Green has been published in the "Journal of Counselor Education and Supervision" and has been featured regularly in "Counseling News and Notes," Keys Weekly newspapers, "Travel Host Magazine" and "Travel South." After earning degrees in political science and English, she attended law school, then earned her master's of science in mental health counseling. She is the founder of a nonprofit mental health group and personal coaching service.
Well, if so, call them out on it. "Don't take the bait," she says. "Be honest with the person and ask what's really going on. If you're not getting an adequate answer, but the nitpicking and nastiness continues, inform this person … 'You don't have to hate a person to get out of a relationship, so let's cut to the chase: Do you want out of the relationship? Then just say so.'" Way to call a spade a spade.
I can’t tell you if you made the right decision, but I do encourage you to think of your long-term happiness (and health — because it’s stressful and unhealthy to be the sole income earner in your marriage like you were!). Keep your life and relationship goals at the forefront of your mind: do you want to live with a man like your husband for the rest of your life? Can you envision yourself supporting him and your household bills all alone — is that what you want your life to look like?
Sometimes we love those people who don’t love us back and as devastating as that is, all we can do is move on. I was in love with a guy for almost 6 years and I went through a lot of ups and downs. Out of the blue he basically told me he didn’t love me anymore and this is where our chapter ends. After 6 years, that’s all I got. I grappled with the thought for weeks and then I just accepted that this person no longer loved me. Regardless of how much love I poured into it, they didn’t even love me back or care. I was devastated, this happened months ago and I’m still devastated ya know but time heals everything. I know I gave it my all and that person decided that it wasn’t good enough for them. What do you do? You gotta pick up the pieces of your broken heart, take care of yourself, and move on. It’s not the end of the world, it just feels like it right now because your heart is broken. From one broken-hearted girl to the other, we are strong beautiful women and we will get through it. It was a setback but it’s not over for us. GOD bless you and I pray for peace, joy, and true love for you and anyone else suffering from an earth shattering heartbreak.
If you do or give something to your husband, do it because you love him, not because you believe you have to sacrifice. Highlighting our sacrifices and dedication often only represents our desperate attempts to control someone by shame or guilt. But, you don’t want to wheedle love and understanding, you want to enjoy it in abundance and count on it in your marriage.
I think that the willingness to get help is the key here. I have been depressed several times in my life but as an introspective person who’d much rather be happy, I seek help when I need it and can get better pretty quick. Many people deal with depression for a myriad of reasons, all of them are capable of being loved and loving. However, if they are unable to care for themselves and get the help they need, they aren’t worth being in a relationship with.
You might think him telling you all about it means nothing fishy is going on behind your back – he wouldn’t dare cheat on you with her and then come home, look you in the eye and share office stories about her… Would he? It might mean nothing, or it might mean that he has started to shift his attention to this other woman… While at the same time losing interest in you.
This is what has been happening with me. I’ve been married for a little over a year my soon to be ex has only talked twice about our relationship issues and this is only after she left twice and we worked everything out. But that’s the only time she has talked to me about our relationship. She was never willing to talk but those two times. We have had many issues that needed to be talked about but she refuses she calls me every thing in the book and belittles me she will text me saying all this but refuses to sit down and talk about our issues. Example of her getting mad: I would ask her a question she would reply saying you’re an idiot why would you ask that you’re stupid and it was a simple question like do you still want to go town this weekend. One other example I was making supper I was cutting an onion she say why you cutting that onion like that I say that’s how I was taught she say that’s stupid you’re a moron. I have spoiled her I helped with cooking cleaning laundry do all the yard work but nothing is ever good enough and one minute she is all good and the next she is pissed over stupid things. She has left again my question is should I just say screw it and justhave nothing to do with her?

Hello, Kindly help me. I am at the end of the road. I recently married early this year. I dated my husband for 6 yrs long distance. We met when I lived in his country but I moved overseas and we continued the relationship. However, earlier on, about 3 yrs, I received a link from my hubby inviting me to join a certain website. I clicked it and found a picture of my hubby and his many female friends very unappropriately dressed and it showed how many emails he had sent and what he received. He had sent out over 1000 messages. I was broken but he kept assuring me he had never met any of these women but just communicated over internet. I forgave him and then again.

I forgot to mention that I've tried to not pamper him as much but then he gets mad that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. And yes I've thought of that. My son starts school this year. I'm gonna try a new career by going to school. Put some interest in that. But until school starts I can't do it because I don't have a sitter. Which is another thing , is it normal for him to not want to keep our child so I can go somewhere? Like for literally less than am hour
I KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS FEELING AND STATING MY HUSBAND OF 21 YEARS DECIDES ONE DAY HE WANTS A DIVORCE HE NEEDS TO FIND HIMSELF AND MAKE HIS DREAMS N HOPES COME TRUE I CAN HONESTLY SAY I WAS THE BEST WIFE I DID IT ALL AND WORKED MY ADVISE TO ALL IS STOP TRYING TO GET THEM BACK THE TEXTING GIFTS NOTES EMAILS ETC DOESNT WORK SAYING AND APPRECIATING THEM DOESNT WORK THE MORE YOU DO THE LESS OF A POSITIVE RESULT WILL OCCUR BEEN THERE DONE THAT I AM NOW LIVING FOR ME LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD LIVE FOR THEMSELVES FIRST THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS !
Learn to show unselfish love to your husband. Love can be measured. If you truly love your husband and you show it all the time, he will be able to compare your love with those of other strange women and will be afraid to take the steps that may eventually consume him and the family. You can display this by resolving your marital problems in the spirit of love.
Hi, thank you for your article. The signs you have pointed out here have been happening to me and my husband. We are 5 years married. He is not with us always because of his job and he only gets home every other month or two months (and only stays 1 week). Before our big fight, we have a very smooth sailing relationship. Always calling, texting. But last year I got pregnant with our 2nd child and I wasn’t able to go to him (the place where he stayed, and where he worked). I think that was when it all started (when everything has fallen apart).
As completely freaked out and scared as I was, I immediately began talking to a few close women friends. I opened a bank account in my own name and had all of my pay checks deposited there and I made arrangements for my daughter and I to stay with a friend for a few weeks while I looked for place to live. I live in a city that is one of the most expensive places in the world so was very concerned I would not be able to afford an apartment for my daughter and I, but eventually got something but every year I am confronted with rent increases and increasing utility bills – so, the current sitation is not sustainable. I asked for and got a promotion at work. I applied for government help as a single parent and get a little bit every two weeks.
Optimism has magic in it. Looking for beauty and truth and what is right has magic in it. No matter where you are, you can find something about that place that is beautiful, true or good, even if it is simply the lessons you are able to learn there. Look for what is RIGHT about where you are. No matter what situation you are in, there is something good to find inside of it. Look for what is RIGHT about a situation. No matter who you are with, you will be able to look in their eyes and see their value, finding something wonderful and good in that person. Look for what is RIGHT about others.
But when I finally began to focus on me (the one person whose thoughts/actions/behavior I do have control over) I realized what a good therapist can do: help me clarify my own thoughts. Recognize my own cognitive distortions. Understand my own emotions. Modify my own behavior.....well -- it's been far harder than I ever thought, but it's also been far more beneficial - in more ways - than I ever imagined.
OK, so I'm not saying your partner is picking up new hobbies because they're unhappy. It's 100 percent healthy to have side projects, and to do things alone. You might want to worry, however, if it seems like they're using these hobbies as a way of escaping the relationship. "If they are not finding happiness in your relationship, they will try finding it in other aspects of their life," Bizzoco says. And that's not OK.
"Each partner should be able to find three things they are grateful for each day about their partner and share it with them. Whether it's gratitude for working hard, cleaning up the house, or taking care of the children, complimenting your loved one leads to increased positivity in the relationship. If they can't think of three things, this is a red flag they are unhappy."  —Kimberly Hershenson, individual and couples therapist based in NYC

This may seem like an obvious statement, but very important. I'm not just saying have sex a couple of times a week. Be totally invested in the act as much as possible. Sex is a very important and essential act to men. Show him you love him by loving on him. Get into the act and set your insecurities aside. This is the man you said your vows to and are going to spend the rest of your life with. Explore each other's bodies and have fun. Try to initiate sex some of the time as that will spice things up and make your husband even more excited for some fun in bed.

In today's article, we will focus on men. We want to show women what frustrates their partners and to what they pay attention to better take care of their husbands. A list of reasons why males are unhappy in a relationship was provided by Womansday.com. Finally, the men revealed what are the most common causes of their dissatisfaction and sadness, and after reading this, we will know what to change in our relationships to make them happy again. Look at our list!
Peter I agree. Infidelity is a symptom and not a cause. Any good relationship is built on communication. For those guys out there who think that your wife’s complaints about “we don’t communicate” or “you don’t understand” are just traits of a woman, go home tonight and find out were the hell things went wrong – FAST. If she has given up on trying to communicate with you, this is your sign. Without communication, your marriage is a ticking time bomb – because every storm becomes more difficult to weather and when the big one hits, you won’t be able to put things back together. A lack of communication ultimately divides a couple and they seek out those who do communicate with and understand them. I cheated on my wife (via text) while she was really sick – I let my jealousy of her supportive friends blind me to everything which should have been important – like focusing on my wife. As a result, my wife fell in love with her supportive friend and is now on the way out the door. She is trying to give me a chance, but our communication was so poor that all I could do is hurt her more as I continued to fix all the wrong things. My family is gone. My life is over. I cannot forgive myself. I want to kill myself. Please don’t learn from my mistakes. Everyday I wake up, I search for reasons to stay alive, but I am running low on excuses – my current motivation is that I would feel like such a coward for not manning up to the consequences of the hurt I put her through and I cannot leave my son. She is all that I have known for the last 10 years. I love her soo much. I love my son soo much. She deserved soo much better. Please don’t learn from my mistakes.
Now, it must be said: If you really make it your job to make your partner happy and he (or she) exploits your efforts or never truly reciprocates — never meeting your love with love — you may be in a deal breaker scenario. Despite your best efforts, you may be with someone who is unable or unwilling to love you back and you will probably need to terminate the relationship.
Thank you… although it has been months in a loveless, no affection and no passion relationship, i still held on thinking things would change but he finally told me after me forcing him to talk to me that he doesn’t love or care for me any more and he can not force himself…. its day one and it hurts as hell, messed up thing is we will live together with a toddler… I am spinning… do not know what to do or where to go!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we have definitely had our ups and downs but throughout everything we’ve always stuck by each other’s side. About a month and a half ago he told me that he wanted to take a break from our relationship so that he could take some time to work on himself & I was 100% okay with that, but eventually it was revealed that he’s been having doubts about our relationship because I’m younger than him (2.5 year age difference) & there’s also this girl that he has like me for some time now that he wants to talk to. I know he has some strong feelings for this girl because anytime we’re remotely close to getting back together he runs into her (they go to school && work together) and totally second guesses our whole relationship. It hurts me because I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I know deep down he really wants the other girl. I’ve asked him several times if he would rather be with me or her & he always says “I don’t know.” That tells me that he doesn’t really want me anymore because how could you even compare a 4 year relationship to a crush? I’m just really in a sad place right now because I feel like our relationship is over. He still tells me he loves me and tries to act like we’re still together but I know that it’s her that he really wants. I’ve told him to go be with her because I know that’s what he really wants and I love him enough to let him go so that he can be with someone who is everything that he wants and more. He tells me he won’t do it because he doesn’t want me to get involved with anyone else. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s literally my best friend and I have no one else that I can talk to about our relationship. I really don’t want to leave him.. I want us to be happy together again.
Life does not revolve around one’s self. The pursuit of your own happiness could be selfish if you cannot confess to yourself that you, as a human, will never be perfect. Picking at petty likes and dislikes in a partner is silly and frankly your looking for reasons to be unhappy. Count your blessings, not your burdens. I love that my partner has her own likes, her own talents, her own music, her own routine. Because I fully support who she is, everything she is. And if one day she decides she no longer wants to be with me, all she has to do is be honest and tell me to my face. I would let her go. In the end arguing and pointing fingers is just smashing the whole idea of marriage anyway. In my opinion marriage is overrated. I would never want my parnter to feel like she is bound to me. Because we are born free and we die free. If someone cheated on you, its a favor. Live your life and move on. I would never cheat on my partner, hurt her, yell at her, make her feel insignificant, simply because I dont want to go out of my way to hurt the persons feelings I vowed my life to. I would take a bullet for her, and I wouldnt ever hold it against her if she wouldnt do the same for me. We are all individuals, who desire specific things, emotions, reactions. If my partner is being distant, depressed, sad, I gladly lift her chin and do what I can to make it better. Dont lie to yourselves, or your parnter. You know if the love is there. If its not, you will only cause pain to others because of your inability to face up. Nothing in a relationship is easy. Though nothing in life is easy. When the going gets tough in life do you end it? The bond two people can share in this life is amazing. I have had a tough road with my partner for our own reasons, but I gave up all my wants, all my needs to serve my partner when she needed me most. The outcome is a strong bond that no one can shake. I am writing this in hopes that maybe one person will read this and get something from it. I am far from perfect. But the first person I point fingers at when a problem arises is myself. Only when there are no skeletons in your own closet can you truly judge what a partner is right and wrong for doing.
There comes a point in every man's life when he realizes he is not going to save the world, cure cancer, win an Olympic gold medal, score with the insanely hot supermodel, be an astronaut. We see nothing but a downhill spiral and very little to show for it. Sure, we have a house, a wife, a couple of vehicles, some savings, and we are responsible adults. But, when we were younger we were told about all the things we were going to do. That stuck with us. We did not accomplish any of those things.
Unfortunately, too many women I know get married and somehow, perhaps unconsciously, expect their husbands to make them happy. When things get hard — and they always do — rather than looking inward at where they may be at fault, too many women point the finger toward their partners. They blame him (or her) for the problems in their relationship. “If he would just pay more attention to me our marriage would be great!” or “If she would just help more around the house, things would be so much better.”

My patient found herself thinking about detaching from her brother frequently, and in fact would do so for long stretches of time. But then she'd learn he'd locked himself in his house for days and couldn't stop herself from being drawn back into his life. After this last episode, however, she found herself more focused on maintaining a safe emotional distance. She still cared, she confided to me, but had come to a new understanding about her limitations. She knew some part of her brother still wanted to be happy, but it seemed covered up by a part that reveled in misery. She would keep tabs on him, she decided, and intervene when he seemed in real danger, but she refused to continue suffering on account of his suffering. Which for her meant allowing him to suffer alone.


2. You want a partner who can keep up. Not only does your partner have to appreciate your humor, he has to be able to get the joke. If you have to explain yourself all the time, or there are long silences where he doesn’t see what you’re laughing at, I would think twice about the relationship. This is exactly why I never dated someone from a foreign country; I’m not xenophobic, they just rarely got my New York Jewish sarcastic brand of humor.


In December of 2012, he gives me the, "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you speech." He asks if I can find a marriage counselor for us and we start going. Then on NYE afternoon he called me and said he'd been having an affair for a few months now and he wasn't going to come home that night. I was beyond devastated. I had no idea. I just knew he would never do something like that to our family after what I had done years back. But he did.
Everyone deserves to be happy.  You determine what happiness means to you.  My definition of happiness is to be with someone who accepts me just as I am (as I do the same) and who shares my excitement and passion for life.   Define what happiness means to you and then go after it.  Create your own happiness with someone who shares your life goals, not spoils them 🙂
I spoke with 10 relationship experts about how exactly to tell whether your partner is not so into your partnership — what are the hints? How can you know? What are the definitive signs? Though they all had different takes on the situation, they all had a lot of things to say about it, confirming our worst fears: It is totally possible to be in a loving relationship, and all seems well, but under the surface — well, you saw Jaws. Sounds like many relationships can seem perfectly fine, or at least OK, but there are some subtle exhibitions of discord or at least unrest that are worth keeping an eye out for in your partnership. Here are 10 whispers of strife in a relationship.
Now, it must be said: If you really make it your job to make your partner happy and he (or she) exploits your efforts or never truly reciprocates — never meeting your love with love — you may be in a deal breaker scenario. Despite your best efforts, you may be with someone who is unable or unwilling to love you back and you will probably need to terminate the relationship.
I will most certainly survive this. In retrospect, I am glad I owned up to my “affair” and let everything be known. On occasions, I might have regreted, but after her seeing her behavior after being cuaght, I am confident I did not make a mistake. Simply becuase there is nothing better than clear conciousness, knowing I did all that I could. Comparing that with her ridicoulus explanations for posting on numerous sites, constantly lying, pretending nothing happened. And, yes, there was not a single “sorry” from her in all this.

Me and my boyfriend is going this right but he don’t want me to but he unhappy with himself and us then he said it because it don’t have nothing but I’m doing everything I can to get on my feet to help that same way so it not doing all him self but I don’t help with what lil money I do get… I just don’t understand what going it almost been two years for us n alot has happen but was in the first year….. Need some help to save it…..


You can do whatever you want. You really want to try that new restaurant, but your man said no. You’re crushed. If you were single, you could go whenever you wanted. You can seriously do whatever you want. Haven’t you ever noticed how happy some single women are? They don’t base their happiness on a man. They do what makes them happy and if a man is a part of their life great. If not, great.

If you cannot identify any specific parts of your relationship that make you unhappy, you may be dealing with a larger problem. In such cases, it might be a good idea to involve a couple's counselor, suggests Jeanne Segal and Melinda Smith in their HelpGuide.org article "Relationship Help." If you are struggling with personal issues or with your mood in general – not just your marriage – let your husband know what you are experiencing. For example, frequent crying, insomnia or not enjoying the things that you used to may point to a broader issue. Once your husband understands how you're feeling, he may be able to help ease some of your daily burdens, as well as help you find a health care provider to help you deal with these issues.

We married 18 years ago (coming up shortly), were both each others first partners. Just simply fell in love and married. Marriage worked quite well, we never had any of those “standard” problems: we were both frugal with money, modest, faithful to each other, were not too much into this “great sex” thing that you can read in magazines or on the internet. We had a lot to talk about, joking all the time and had two children. She is a great mother and role model. Basically, everything I would want in a wife. However, a nagging issue that was not addressed from the outset was our relationships with each other’s families. The funny things about this is that we are immigrants and our families do not even live in the same country. She never hid it that she hates my family even though she never spoke to many of them nor they ever visited us. She even went that far to teach kids how their cousins are bad kids even though she never met them! (BTW, they are valedictorians in their schools, but that is not the point). This issue surfaced when her mother visited here, which turned out to be a weird experience for me. They were literally fighting about everything and her mother went home crying. She vowed never to talk to her and her father again, which she did. This was quite a surprise to me given that when we dated, it looked like a very healthy family to me. Both her parents adored me, so to this day, I am not sure what happened between them. This was 11 years go, fast forward three years ago, we had not had sex for 11 months. She chose to sleep with kids who she adores. I did not press the issue, which is the first problem in our marriage. We just do not communicate well. When I occasionally mentioned this, she would cite work, being tired, kids love it etc etc. When I offered household help, I could never get it right; there is always too much water on the counter, a spot on the dishes etc… To this day, I do not know what triggered this, but this turned out to be beginning of all the current troubles. Things turned to worse when her father died. I tried to help with grieving and offered to talk how to help financially with the funeral and all (which she did not attend, btw) etc. She just clammed up, did not want to talk to me at all. At that time, I was simply fed up and primed myself to the biggest mistake of my life. I basically opened myself to respond to whatever romantic oppportunity came along. Not seeking, just responding. Unfortunately, it did. An aggressive woman approached me at a meeting and we started chatting over the email. I kept my composure not to do anything physical, zero (not a touch). Nevertheless this would basically amount to cheating. This went on for about three weeks. As life would have it, she found the emails and one text message and was devastated. I stopped immediately, but we never talked about it more. So, in the books, this went as my being a cheater. Nothing about lack of sex for the past whole year or any other reason why I was shut out (this is not an excise for what I did). She did offer to go to counseling back then, but I refused, because I knew that what I did was a mistake and I stopped and promised never to do anything stupid like that. No need for someone else to tell me that. Now, the part that scares me the most. In the meantime, it looked to me she forgave me, but only on the surface. We would have sex, but out of nowhere she started using lubricants. We would never kiss, or any other foreplay. She simply refused me to satisfy her in any way. So, it felt like I was raping somebody,which I mentioned to her several times. Response was always be happy that you get something, many men do not even have that. After sex I would have this guilty sinking feeling I am hurting her and I just could not take it any more. I can’t physically hurt the person I love! I started being frustrated and wanted to talk about what is going on. She refused most of the time then on occasions would mention my “affair”. Then, since the end of last year she again began refusing sex. We are back to being close to breaking our “record”. She does not even want me in bed, trying to stay as far away as possible. Any attempt on any kind of touch (even holding hands) is met with a violent negative response. She began to be frustrated with taking care of children, constantly mentioning how she does everything and not being appreciated, how she wishes to go on vacation somehwere by herself, just to be alone etc etc. I began breaking down and started saying that I will leave her if she does not at least want to talk to me. All to no avail. I guess, this is another mistake; don’t say it if you don’t mean it! But, again, when things build up inside, some sort of outlet must be found. Now, to top it all off, I found out that she posted her profile on a dating site and to my direct question whether she is dating anyone responds “if I did I would be much happier”. She also started posting provocative pictures of herself on Facebook. Of course, she blocked me from viewing her profile, but I have friends who showed me those pictures. All in all, our life now consists of her sitting behind computer, closing windows as soon as I am around, locking it when leaving for a while, while I desperately try to establish any kind of communication and live in frustration. Our family life has basically disappeared. No more family outings (we take children out separately), no family vacations, no friends over. She has established a new circle that consists mostly of divorced women who claim to have great sex life and are showing off their much younger lovers with great bodies. All of a sudden, I need muscles, great six packs etc. Divorce has become a viable option for her, which is a complete turnaround from when we met, when she was always apprehensive of anyone who divorced and I had to give up a male friend who divorced.
It can sometimes be difficult to know if a boyfriend is happy, particularly if your boyfriend isn't skilled at communicating. Since both parties in a relationship need to be happy for the relationship to stand a chance for long-term survival, you should approach your boyfriend if you feel he may not be happy in the relationship. While there is no way to fully know if your boyfriend is happy, there are signs to look for to help determine the state of your relationship.

Make His Favorite Meal: Surprise him with his favorite meal, or if you are not the cooking type, take him to his favorite restaurant. The key here is to drop little hints and build his anticipation. That way his excitement will be high when you surprise him. Having his favorite food with his favorite person will make him happy, and he will be impressed at the thought and detail you put into it.


Women are worriers by nature. In fact, according to one scientific study (via Metro), women appear to have lower levels of anxiety-regulating brain chemicals, which, as a result can make us more, "high strung." If you tend to project your worries on to your husband — constantly reminding him to take his multivitamin, ease up on the beer-drinking, and repeatedly telling him to take an umbrella to work in case it rains — you could be headed for trouble, says Hope.
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