One of the best ways to survive anything – including a marriage that’s ending – is to talk about it and learn what action steps you can take to improve your situation. Feeling helpless and powerless is the worst place to be! You may not be able to do much to change your situation, but perhaps you can change how you think about it. That may change how you think about your life, and give you strength and power.
If you do or give something to your husband, do it because you love him, not because you believe you have to sacrifice. Highlighting our sacrifices and dedication often only represents our desperate attempts to control someone by shame or guilt. But, you don’t want to wheedle love and understanding, you want to enjoy it in abundance and count on it in your marriage.
Me and my boyfriend is going this right but he don’t want me to but he unhappy with himself and us then he said it because it don’t have nothing but I’m doing everything I can to get on my feet to help that same way so it not doing all him self but I don’t help with what lil money I do get… I just don’t understand what going it almost been two years for us n alot has happen but was in the first year….. Need some help to save it…..
Hi FK, It’s one thing to get married with the expectation that our partner cares about us and our happiness and totally another thing to get married because we DEPEND on them for our feelings of worthiness and happiness. In the first case we are in control of our expectations and boundaries and in the second, we are trying to be in control of our partner. Self reliance requires us to accept responsibility for our own happiness and not hold others accountable for it through abdication. Of course, the concept of “self reliance” and its importance can be up for… Read more »
I have been with my husband for 5 years now and just a couple months ago I found out he cheated on me with his coworker. When I confronted him about his infidelity he stated it was my fault for going through his phone and discovering that he has been cheating. Since then he distances himself from me and refuses to cut contact with her. When I ask him why won’t he stop talking to her he tells me he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. I go out of my way to make things right again and he clearly doesn’t not even try but he says he still loves me and wants to be with me.
As for myself, now I’m struggling with the sadness, anger and grief of ending a relationship. Sometimes in my darker moments I wonder why I and the relationship wasn’t “enough” to inspire my ex to seek out help and get better, but then I remember that even my own parent couldn’t get better for a long time, even with kids in the picture. That’s my lingering belief of “not being enough” rearing its head, I know. But deep down, I feel at peace that I broke my own pattern, that I stood for my own happiness, that I was honest with my own needs. Whatever decision Katie makes, I hope it leaves her with that deep sense of integrity and honoring herself.

Me and my boyfriend is going this right but he don’t want me to but he unhappy with himself and us then he said it because it don’t have nothing but I’m doing everything I can to get on my feet to help that same way so it not doing all him self but I don’t help with what lil money I do get… I just don’t understand what going it almost been two years for us n alot has happen but was in the first year….. Need some help to save it…..


My current relationship is not completely lacking laughter but I am often consumed with thoughts of “Can I live my whole life with a man who’ll never have a witty come back?” Because we have such open communication I’ve been able to explain my feelings to him. It has not upset him that I’m still unsure in our relationship, but for me it has been causing stress from indecision.
Unfortunately, too many women I know get married and somehow, perhaps unconsciously, expect their husbands to make them happy. When things get hard — and they always do — rather than looking inward at where they may be at fault, too many women point the finger toward their partners. They blame him (or her) for the problems in their relationship. “If he would just pay more attention to me our marriage would be great!” or “If she would just help more around the house, things would be so much better.”
And sweet to me. After living together out of college he didn’t have a job and I did. I helped provide for him . Then he got a job and we both held down the house and bills together. I quit my job and got another one after 2 weeks. Then he lost his job. We have Soo many bills. I am losing interest in him. He has gained a lot of weight, he doesn’t clean (just dishes ). Also when we go out on dates he is yawning and not talking to me. I feel like he is bored with me. He likes to stay in the house all
Peter I agree. Infidelity is a symptom and not a cause. Any good relationship is built on communication. For those guys out there who think that your wife’s complaints about “we don’t communicate” or “you don’t understand” are just traits of a woman, go home tonight and find out were the hell things went wrong – FAST. If she has given up on trying to communicate with you, this is your sign. Without communication, your marriage is a ticking time bomb – because every storm becomes more difficult to weather and when the big one hits, you won’t be able to put things back together. A lack of communication ultimately divides a couple and they seek out those who do communicate with and understand them. I cheated on my wife (via text) while she was really sick – I let my jealousy of her supportive friends blind me to everything which should have been important – like focusing on my wife. As a result, my wife fell in love with her supportive friend and is now on the way out the door. She is trying to give me a chance, but our communication was so poor that all I could do is hurt her more as I continued to fix all the wrong things. My family is gone. My life is over. I cannot forgive myself. I want to kill myself. Please don’t learn from my mistakes. Everyday I wake up, I search for reasons to stay alive, but I am running low on excuses – my current motivation is that I would feel like such a coward for not manning up to the consequences of the hurt I put her through and I cannot leave my son. She is all that I have known for the last 10 years. I love her soo much. I love my son soo much. She deserved soo much better. Please don’t learn from my mistakes.
I will most certainly survive this. In retrospect, I am glad I owned up to my “affair” and let everything be known. On occasions, I might have regreted, but after her seeing her behavior after being cuaght, I am confident I did not make a mistake. Simply becuase there is nothing better than clear conciousness, knowing I did all that I could. Comparing that with her ridicoulus explanations for posting on numerous sites, constantly lying, pretending nothing happened. And, yes, there was not a single “sorry” from her in all this.

Speaking of friendship, a person told me once how they regret the lack of lighthearted conversation between him and his wife. They’ve been together for a while and he felt like all they ever talked about was the kids’ schools and various appointments and the “To Do List.” He said that they needed to make time for nurturing their romantic relationship because it felt like it was becoming nonexistent.

"So Sheila, at work, is having this really awful thing with her ex," he says, a little too sympathetically. You nod, also sympathetically, because you know that Sheila has been having digestive problems and had to go gluten-free, and also that Sheila's aunt with whom she was really close died last month, and...hold on. Why do you know so much about Sheila At Work? An overly enthusiastic friendship with a so-called work wife may not translate to actual nookie in the actual conference room—after all, you don't mind him having female friends—but it could suggest that something is lacking from your relationship that he is looking for somewhere else. And he may not even know it himself. But when he seems to have more sympathy for the ongoing sagas of Sheila At Work than he does with your own various ordeals, that's more than being a concerned colleague. That's a "We need to talk" memo.
M 23. I got married 8 months ago. it was a love marriage. we dated for 2 years before getting married and we were madly in love. but since our wedding, things have not turned out they way they should have. we are just fighting all the time and abusing each other. all this started with his family misbehaving with me. i could cpe up with that and i reacted. he said he couldn’t take a word against them. and gradually we have stopped being physically intimate and this morning he said he doesn’t love me anymore the way he did. is it really over???
 Know That He Might Be Unhappy In Another Area Of His Life:  The men in this situation don’t come right out and say this of course.  (Sometimes, they don’t even realize it themselves.) But it’s often very easy to read between the lines.  It’s not uncommon for this whole “I’m not happy” business to come at a time when he’s otherwise struggling.  Perhaps he has lost his job.  Maybe he is going through a serious lifestyle change.  Or perhaps something is happening with his extended family.  Whatever the reason, it’s very common for a man to take a problem that has nothing whatsoever to do with his marriage and then to project that problem onto the person who is most convenient or who is the closest to him.  And that person is often his wife.
Do I believe I made mistakes in that relationship? You betcha! Was I the best wife I could have been? Absolutely not! And for that I am sorry. But I also had to understand that all the blame could not be placed on my shoulders. Sometimes, often times, that’s what we women do. We take the blame for bad situations, and we wonder what we could have done to prevent them. 
"A major source of unhappiness is taking the focus off the relationship and putting it on cruise control to focus on careers, children, extended families, and community work instead of shared time together. Couples need to keep an active engagement with the romance, friendship, and fun that led them to their initial attraction and excitement about being together. They can't assume that connection will remain unless they put time and energy into keeping it alive." —Jefferson A. Singer, Ph.D., co-author of Positive Couple Therapy, Dean of the College of Psychology, Connecticut College
Kai, you have issues. Sounds like you not only despise your spouse, you have a problem with women in general. We women still earn less than men, have less professional opportunities, face more violence and poverty, all over the world. So, we are far from taking over the planet and raping men. Some women are taught from an early age that their sexuallity is a comodity to help them get a husband or nice things or even a job. In other parts of the world, it can make the difference of whether or not they put food on the table. Maybe your wife is just trying to get your attention or maybe you are imaging things. But you should not be in a relationship with someone you can’t stand being in public with.
"Wife" and "independent woman " seems to be a contradiction BUT..anyway, one point is good to remember(just my opinion) is that if you're too proud (stephanie) or lazy to do these things, there is a woman somewhere watching and waiting. She do these things for him. She is at his job, church golf resort, gym. she's your best friend or even your relative. I think women have an instinctive way to tell that a man isn't being taken care of at home. Get rid of pride and take care of your man.

Depending on if you're a stay-at-home mom or work yourself is all relative. If you stay home with the kids during the day, make sure your home is inviting when you're husband is almost home. Pick up the little things. Of course, it can't always be perfect, but try to make home as relaxing as possible. Don't pass the kids off immediately when he walks in the door. Let him unwind. If you work as well, share responsibilities when you get home, or do the things you know he dreads the most.
Im 22 years old and have a pne month old baby boy. After moving in with my now husband, I found out he was cheating on me with a co-worker even before I was pregnant. When I confronted him hr first denied it until I showed him proof. I love him very much. His son and me need him. I dont want my child to not grow up without his dad. If it was just me I would of left. But im thinking about what is best for my son. After we talked about it we said we would try to make it work. I thought he would stop but I catch him lying to me and getting out to go see her. I went through his phone and saw that he tells her he loves her and hates having to leave each other. She tells him that she hates knowing that he comes home to me. I love him but I feel so hurt about everything especially after the fat that we have a son now. We had made so many plans that im am soo confused and not sure of his feelings. He doesn’t tell me he loves me. He says that the fire in our relationship is not there or the love like when we meet 2years ago. I dont know what to do or how to make our relationship work. How do I bring tjat intimacy back into our relationship. Im not talking about sex but emotionally.

It’s one thing to leave a downer partner you’re casually or seriously dating in order to take care of your own needs, but what happens when you meet and marry a happy person, start having a wonderful life and children together, and then your previously happy partner starts becoming moody/depressed?  What if the depression is caused by a terminal illness or some other life-altering event?  Do you get a divorce so you can take care of yourself?  


My husband and I have been together over 20 years, married for 16. We have a 6 year old son. A few days ago I clicked on one of his Instagram followers and saw a beautiful women who had a bunch of lingerie pictures posted. I noticed that my husband had “liked” every single one of them. This really struck a jealousy cord. He hasn’t even “liked” all of my Instagram pictures! I worked through the emotions of insecurity and actually read online about how I should tell him that it bothered me that he liked her pictures. Honestly I didn’t think he wanted to cheat or anything, it just hurt my feelings.
I don’t want to sound like I have no sympathy for your boyfriend. Life can be tough, especially in light of thwarted dreams, unrealistic expectations, financial instability, flimsy support networks, and run-of-the-mill insecurities. But not everyone deals with things in the same way; and, whether we like it or not, this stuff matters. There are some people who will give up online dating if one email is not returned or give up on relationships just because the last one went bad. Even if this is somewhat “normal,” it’s certainly not a healthy trait. Not for the anxious/moody person, and not for the poor soul who has to be the strong, patient partner. When your boyfriend is unhappy, it’s only normal to want to pull him out of it, to want to flip a switch in the back of his head to get him from pessimist to optimist. Furthermore, when he’s at his worst internally, that’s also when he’s a terrible boyfriend. He obsesses, stays at home, stews in his own juices, and builds up stories about what’s wrong in the world that may not accord with reality. Not only that, but such a boyfriend has nothing to give to the relationship because he’s always dealing with his own mercurial moods.
Im so confused. After 26 years of marriage I feel Im done! We have been through so much and Im not a saint. But Im tried of carrying all the responsibility and burdens of our life. He is medically disabled and not capable fo doing somethings but he uses it as an excuse to do hardly NOTHING!! I do all cleaning, planning, pay of the bills and making sure everything to done. Not to mention a have a full time job and a wonderful grandbaby! I have come to realize that Im doing anything very well and so frustrated with him and self destruction. His depression is deep partially because of disabilities. I have lost both of my parents because of self destruction. I cant watch another love one lose or take their life. so lost…..
I have been with my husband for 9 years and married the last two of those 9. I was slightly reluctant to get married to begin with because we had our issues but things had been getting better or so I thought. The past year has been almost unbearable. I want to leave very badly but he wants to stay together because financially it would be better. I have cheated on my husband and we rarely are close to one another. I don’t feel like we connect on any level. Before things got bad I asked to try counseling and really gave it 100% now I am not even trying. I really feel like I am stuck.
My husband and I have been living together for fourteen years and married for the last five years. We have a lovely, happy three year old son together who we both love very much. Looking at the surface of things we should be a happy couple – that is what everybody thinks. We have always had this way with eachother, a matched humour I guess – unfortunately its not enogh to bond the tears between us anymore.
Well, if so, call them out on it. "Don't take the bait," she says. "Be honest with the person and ask what's really going on. If you're not getting an adequate answer, but the nitpicking and nastiness continues, inform this person … 'You don't have to hate a person to get out of a relationship, so let's cut to the chase: Do you want out of the relationship? Then just say so.'" Way to call a spade a spade.
Nothing makes a man ready to listen to how dissatisfied you are like hearing how your friend Jessica’s husband takes care of the kids every Saturday for the whole afternoon while she trains for a triathlon.  Obviously he will commiserate with you over the injustice that Jessica, who despite her athleticism is not even that hot, has a better husband than you have.  He might even be so overcome with sympathy that he walks directly out of the house.  Don’t worry, I’m sure he is headed to buy you flowers to make up for his stupidity and selfishness.
I’m glad to see how marriage has evolved. It used to be much more transactional — happening principally to foster economic benefits or social standings or to produce children — but nowadays people typically choose to commit themselves legally to each other for far more noble goals. More and more people marry with the intention of experiencing lasting love and companionship.
when i was younger i always went for the life of the party types but have found they are usually very self centered and exhausting to be around in the long haul. sarcasm is not funny to me anymore either, because it my experience it’s based in hostility, which can often be turned on to the partner during disagreements, a man who’s humor isnt about putting others down, but about the human condition and absurdity of life, that is truly funny to me, and something i would not want to live without.
I see you are on this page frequently, so I thought I would ask you for help here. I wrote a lengthy comment on the page dealing with difficult parents, and I desperately need some help or advice. I don’t know what to do…it’s going to ruin my marriage and/or my life soon. Please read it and see if you can help me at all. I would greatly appreciate any insight you may have. I’m desperate!!!
Hi, Laurie. My name is Matt and I am looking for support and guidance. I recently confessed to my wife that I had been cheating for nearly a year. This affair took place while I was away from home on business. The affair was not just physically, we became emotionally involved. I am not attempting to justify my actions. They are beyond justification. However, when I left we had been at the apex of nearly three years of very hard times when she had stopped responding to me. Now, we are both seeking help. We are working very hard to get back to one another and in some ways our relationship is at its most healthy. I am, however, struggling. There are days where I miss the other woman and I have repeatedly cut contact with her only to get in touch with her again. My decision about how to conduct myself in this situation has been made but my resolve is not where it needs to be. Is there any insight you would be willing to give that would help me get to a place where I no longer feel the desire or temptation to speak to this woman?
If you two couldn't stop talking about the future, it's worth noting a sudden silence. "If your partner avoids any discussions about the future and plans you both may have made, this is a sign that they may not be happy in the relationship," says psychic and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport. "Unless they are willing to discuss future plans, this may mean their future plans may not include you." And that's obviously something you need to know.

I dated this girl once who was very into verbal jousting – you know that thing you do where you tease each other, even nonsensically, before you kiss? The problem was, she liked to keep going and I would have to have a riposte for every cute little jibe. Then she would respond with something else and I would have to have yet another comeback, and it would go on like this. I found the game exhausting, but she got off on it. We didn’t last very long, but I guess she needed to find someone who could “keep up” as Evan puts it.

Relationships are delicate, complex, and always changing. Some marriages last 70 years, some last 72 days (looking at you, Kim)—and while neither of those options is necessarily right or wrong, most people enter a relationship hoping it will last a long time, if not a lifetime. There is no one-size-fits-all secret to a lasting, happy, and faithful relationship, but there are some general guidelines.


I also encourage you to call a local distress line or women’s help center. You need to reach out for support — and I’m so glad you reached out here! But, you need in-person support to help you figure out the best thing to do with your life right now. And, that support will help you stay committed to whatever decision you make about leaving your marriage or staying with him and working things out.
So maybe he doesn't make the bed or fold the laundry perfectly. "Allow him to make mistakes," stresses Weks. "Don't point them all out. Don't direct, control, or warn him. Certainly don't blame him. He is very sensitive and reads into anything that you say which can be read as blaming, causing him to feel less valued. All of these things over time will wear him down, and his feelings toward you will be the first to go."
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