In defense of Steve, I would say practical advice depends very much on personal circumstances. I identify totally with the sentiments of the article but I’m in no way like “Kevin”. I know my default happiness is internal, but my ways of reconnecting to it will be different to Kevin. The men’s work you do depends on who you are and how far you are from where you want to be.
3. Have body confidence: Expanding on the last point, body confidence is super important to keep the spark alive in any sexual relationship. People change, and so do bodies. If you’ve gained weight since you first met, or you started getting dark chin hairs, or an emergency appendectomy left you with a weird scar, who cares? We guarantee you that decent, worthwhile dudes are not turned off by this. Shutting down your sex life over a few new stretch marks is sure to be a relationship killer. Don’t let time and gravity stop you from doin’ your thang, girl.

For the next 6 years or so after that, I believe we are doing great. I do notice that he is grumpy and has low energy, etc. So I recommend he get his testosterone checked and get evaluated for clinical depression. He goes for hormones, but no antidepressants. It helps for a while, but 2012 is just a bad year for him it seems. He's getting drunk and staying out more, sometimes not coming home. Getting botox for forehead wrinkles. Worried about thinning hair. I beg him to please seek out further help to no avail.


This seems like an obvious statement, but the ways we can break trust are less than obvious. If you are in the habit of telling white lies just because it’s easy, he will notice. You will also break his trust if you often lie to other people. If he sees you lying to family members and close friends about things, he will have every reason to think you’d lie to him.

As a matter of fact he almost has. I mean, read your own words, ” Am just devastated. What is wrong with me? Am I not beautiful enough?”. Self esteem issues dear. Yours is at a dangerously low level and he knows it. He’s using it against you. You need to dump that weasel and start working on your self esteem. Make sure that it doesn’t depend on how other people treat you. Once you achieve that no one will ever play you like this again and get away with it.


I am hoping that by typing out my woes I will be able to come to a decision on what I should do. In my relationship of 5 1/2 years when it is good it is very very good but when it goes bad it is awful. Currently we do not live together as I have had to move to another town to support youngest sons education. Organising to do this was fraught with difficulty. Lots of sulking and accusations of you don’t love me etc. In the end I just went ahead and did it. My husband is not my son’s father. After I told him that he was an abusive man and I was not going to put up with it any longer he went and got some counselling. It seem to help. Things have been good, not ideal but good until this weekend. We had an argument and one of the things he said to me “when it comes to the important thnings we just can’t communicate about it”. He also said that “you have a really long memory and that he has no doubt that what we were arguing about will come back to haunt him”. The thing is that what we were arguing about I agreed with the decision that had to be made. That was the Friday night. Saturday night I ring him up and after the usual pleasantries he launched into a tirade and said that he was going to this, this and this. He then said that he guessed that there wasn’t much else to talk about and hung up. I was stunned and realised that things haven’t really changed at all. The only difference being that because we have been separated and because we haven’t been living together it has lessened the impact of negative behaviour. Now I know logically I should ring him back and say that I understand that the decision needed to be made and i am not disagreeing with him but I don’t like the way he went about it. This decision is extremly difficult and emotional for me and he has not acknowledged that in any way. I always feel that it is me trying to make right with him. Also I have a chronic health condition and have been told to minimise stress as much as possible. It is all about him and his money. I guess what saddened me most is that I have realised that he hasn’t actually changed at all, it has just been sleeping. I am scheduled to move back with him beginning of next year but now I am wondering if it is going to be right for me. Perhaps this blow up over the weekend is a message to me.
But even if it’s just moodiness, resilience is such a key and under-discussed point for a long-term relationship. Life and relationships aren’t always easy. What’s going to happen in the future when your toddler goes through the Terrible Twos, or money is tight, or someone goes through a rough career transition? While I fully acknowledge some people need space to process stress, but if you’re in a partnership, you can’t just sequester yourself away for a few days and leave your partner possibly high and dry with the mess. If Katie’s boyfriend doesn’t change — and I think she needs to make that assumption, judging from her letter — is this acceptable to her? Only she can make that call, but it sounds like it’s not.
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This message meant for faiza. Don't be afraid of the future dear... speak to him openly... and tell him how much you love him and there is nothing which can replace him in your life. Tell him without him you will not be there. and the very important thing is, when you speak to him don't be harsh and don't tend to question him(why are you doing so...etc). speak to him like you already understood the situation. And show the affection like he is your son. Make him understand that you will be there for him in every aspect of life..... ........don't cry in front of him suddenly..let him understand you need him. After that if you need to cry you can::)).I mean control your emotions a while please.
This may seem like an obvious statement, but very important. I'm not just saying have sex a couple of times a week. Be totally invested in the act as much as possible. Sex is a very important and essential act to men. Show him you love him by loving on him. Get into the act and set your insecurities aside. This is the man you said your vows to and are going to spend the rest of your life with. Explore each other's bodies and have fun. Try to initiate sex some of the time as that will spice things up and make your husband even more excited for some fun in bed.
I am hoping that by typing out my woes I will be able to come to a decision on what I should do. In my relationship of 5 1/2 years when it is good it is very very good but when it goes bad it is awful. Currently we do not live together as I have had to move to another town to support youngest sons education. Organising to do this was fraught with difficulty. Lots of sulking and accusations of you don’t love me etc. In the end I just went ahead and did it. My husband is not my son’s father. After I told him that he was an abusive man and I was not going to put up with it any longer he went and got some counselling. It seem to help. Things have been good, not ideal but good until this weekend. We had an argument and one of the things he said to me “when it comes to the important thnings we just can’t communicate about it”. He also said that “you have a really long memory and that he has no doubt that what we were arguing about will come back to haunt him”. The thing is that what we were arguing about I agreed with the decision that had to be made. That was the Friday night. Saturday night I ring him up and after the usual pleasantries he launched into a tirade and said that he was going to this, this and this. He then said that he guessed that there wasn’t much else to talk about and hung up. I was stunned and realised that things haven’t really changed at all. The only difference being that because we have been separated and because we haven’t been living together it has lessened the impact of negative behaviour. Now I know logically I should ring him back and say that I understand that the decision needed to be made and i am not disagreeing with him but I don’t like the way he went about it. This decision is extremly difficult and emotional for me and he has not acknowledged that in any way. I always feel that it is me trying to make right with him. Also I have a chronic health condition and have been told to minimise stress as much as possible. It is all about him and his money. I guess what saddened me most is that I have realised that he hasn’t actually changed at all, it has just been sleeping. I am scheduled to move back with him beginning of next year but now I am wondering if it is going to be right for me. Perhaps this blow up over the weekend is a message to me.
IN any case, the past couple of days have crystalized the notion that my marriage is over. And these affairs are not what brought it down.People often confuse the cause and the pretext. World War I did not start because some random guy shot some czar or a king, but that was a pretext. Affairs start after marriage breaks down and that is how some partners look for a way out. Our marriage broke down becuase of other reasons, not because of these affairs.

What is most concerning about your situation is that you report, and even seem to be, feeling depressed. Depression robs people of their energy and hopes, kills their sex lives, and makes them feel hopeless. My suggestion to you is that you seek the help of a psychotherapist so that you can feel better before you make any life altering decisions. I say this because your reaction to your husband may have more to do with depression than anything else. The best way to determine what is bothering you is to seek help. Perhaps you and the therapist can direct you towards anti depressant medication. In any case, you need to feel better and think more clealy before deciding on separation and divorce. You could even talk to your medical doctor, tell him what you are experiencing and he may either put you on anti depressant medications or refer you for psychotherapy.

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"Children add a lot of positives to a person's life, but they can also add a lot stress, including decreased intimacy in the relationship. When children come first, the loss of the marital relationship can be very painful. It isn't easy to maintain that happy physical and emotional connection to your partner when there are baths needing to happen, meals needing to be cooked, and toys needing to be picked up." —Hershenson


my husband and i have been married for nearly 5 years and for the past year things have been awful. he is unemployed and drinks all the time. he puts his friends and social life above what is best for us. since we have been together, he has blown all of our savings and now we are living on next to nothing. he doesn’t seem to care at all about our financial situation or how we can fix it…just wants to hang out with his friends and drink. we have two small children that i do 90% of everything for, while working, trying to take care of the house and the budget. every time i bring up our relationship and how we should work on things, he just says that we need a vacation and that we have no problems. i could talk to him until i’m blue in the face about our issues and he just brushes it off or says he doesn’t care how i feel. the thought of sex with him honestly disgusts me at this point. i am not attracted to him at all anymore. i don’t know what to do. a part of me still loves him very much but i have lost almost all respect for him. please help me figure out what to do. thank you.
Wonderful, God-inspired words that speak straight to the heart of so many women including myself. Regardless of the state of your marriage, as women we are nurturers, ‘fixers’, and as you said, often carry the heavy burden of our husband’s happiness solely on our shoulders. When things don’t go as planned, it’s a hard pill to swallow. Thank you, Brie, for reminding us that this burden is not ours to carry. God instructs us to love, pray for and be a help-mate to our husbands. The rest is up to him…
This is the oldest trick in the book. Why do we start a relationship hoping a man is going to change? It’s important to accept your boyfriend for who he is, in the flesh. If you fell in love with your idea of him, and not the real him, that’s not his fault. If you are pushing him to do things he doesn’t want to do, it’s not going to make him happy.
We were married in 2007,its was an arranged marriage in India but settled in Melbourne, Australia.we had a baby this 2011 July. This March 2012 I discovered my husband has been seeing another woman. And then in a month I discovered that he was trying to bed more women when I was overseas with my lil son from Nov 2011 to Feb 2012.his call summaries had text and call logs at weird hours.one if them is still a mystery cos she has never told me wat hapned between them.
While kids and their needs often present a sort of urgency, what they really need is a mom filled with God’s wisdom and joy. Take this advice from an older woman: The season during which your kids need you will be over before you know it. Your husband, by contrast, needs you for a lifetime. Devote yourself to becoming a happy wife, and you will build a marriage both you and your husband will enjoy for the rest of your lives.
While it's impossible to sustain the 24/7 texting spree that was the early part of your relationship, you might want to say something if your partner currenly refuses to text back. "It’s easier to recognize distance with your partner through texting," Bizzoco says. "They may take longer to respond to your messages or suddenly become busy and don’t have time to talk." It's just another sign you're not their priority.
I’ve been married for 18 years and I’m so broken hearted over the fact that I’ve fallen out of love with my husband. He is a good man in the sense that he doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble. I know he would never cheat on me. But his investment into our marriage is “in his words” financial. Provides everything I need and want. When I’ve mentioned it’s emotional that our marriage lacks, he finds it funny. I’ve been to counseling and I have tried to use the right words to express myself, I’ve tried to take the correct steps to fix myself. I’ve boiled it down to our marriage is physical but not emotional. And I don’t know how to keep going with such a huge missing piece. I almost worry that I’m just delusional and that a mans desire to make his wife emotionally happy is unreal. I’m exhausted and I’ve just given in and am going through the motions and it’s killing me to just accept this is life.
I’m so bummed that this site isn’t for men! I’m 61 and for 39 married years I’ve wanted a wife who’s more emotional, more tender, gentle, understanding, sensual, feminine. Instead she’s bossy, managerial, unemotional, un-tender, right brain dominant to the max, etc! Now I have health issues and boy do I feel alone in this! No comforting from her at all! And sex ended many years ago, and recently I got on testosterone therapy for my overall health and depression, and even tho I’m a little frisky again, she wants no part of that! I’m ready for this marriage to be over! Maybe I can spend whatever years God gives me with a women who can be feminine with me in every respect. And if your wondering if we talk things out, yes we do, and she can only ever understand her side of things because of incredible stubbornness! Thanks for letting me vent!
Very well put Lily.  I have an ex boyfriend who had me rolling on the floor with laughter at times.  The exBF still calls frequently and makes me laugh. However, he is an alcoholic and unfortunately I have found many of the comedians are.  The ExBF does turn his humor on me during disagreements, which is what I mean by calling him unstable.  He also would occasionally heckle absolute strangers which I found humiliating and immature. So even though 70% of the time he was amazing and kind.. the rest of the time I wondered if he will embarrass me or tease someone of a more delicate constitution than I have, like my children.  I decided that he was a liability and untrustworthy although still there is no one who is more fun or knows me better or loves me more than he in the world.  He simply was out of control of himself part of the time.

My wife and I have been together for 3 years. We rushed into things (met and married within a year). We have a 2 year old and a child on the way. I’m concerned that we’re growing apart. Some background on her: She doesn’t have much of an education, comes from an impoverished and (extremely abusive) family, lacks a lot of motivation for even daily chores (picking up after oneself for instance), and relegates her time to being on the phone at the expense of properly caring for our child. When I met her, she worked hard to try and support her family (basically they light money on fire and can’t afford food b/c of mismanagement). After marriage, she’ll lay about the house making sure our “child is still alive” (she’ll plop the kid in front of the TV for MUCH longer than we agreed was healthy and nap much longer also to what we agreed upon. She’ll then lie about it). The home is largely neglected: cockroaches, flies, and mice don’t bother her (neither does mold, bacteria, or giant mounds of dirty laundry and stuff cluttering the floor. And this is with me picking up after myself –and our child when I have time–). Before people jump on my back, when we met she expressed her undying wish to be a stay-at-home mom more than anything in the world. I work two jobs to make that happen. I manage our funds, health, food, utilities and keep her up to date with it all as I’m teaching her how I’m managing money and such. She shows a lack of motivation to fully involve herself with our child, has a terrible habit of lying, no motivation to manage the house, and doesn’t really manage her own hygiene. Further, I feel like she just doesn’t care that much about it. This is compounded by stubbornness that eventually costs big bucks when she neglects her health and then she needs surgery or something costing us thousands rather than pennies if she kept up with herself.
My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me days before my birthday. He said, he is unhappy and that we know we love each other but we are not inlove anymore. We moved abroad to have a fresh start, cause last year he broke up with me too for 3 months at that time the relationship was in a long distance. But he chase me back and here we are now. Only 7months abroad something a new life, living in together. I asked him is there someone else so many times, at first he said none, 3 weeks after I found out he was already cheating while we were still together and before he broken things up with me with A YOUNGER GIRL at work. The day i confronted them, dont get me wrong, i still get them the respect even they did me wrong, he said he was going to tell me that night but I just knew or had proof already. I was so crashed but i know i still love him, i couldnt even hate him, he was doing her and doing me too. He said he has his reasons why he did that. But for me, you cheated. It shouldve hurt less if you didnt, upto this day he says that he has reasons why he had done such. He already moved out of our apt and chose her infront of me. I can’t explain the feeling i have. I didnt believe it until I saw it, i always tell myself he can’t do that to me but I was wrong. The person that i love so much did it and it hurts like hell.
I am the sole provider until my wife starts working and make decent money. I asked her to help paying for kid’s college fund, and her car maintenance and gas and (kind of expected) she got very upset and didn’t talk to me. I told her this is for the children and we should share the money in joint account as an option but she quickly ignored it. Her plan is use her money from work to build a new house in her oversea home town in which I don’t agree as it is more important to prepare for kid’s college fund first, and possibly help pay credit card debts that we incurred.
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While you’re reading through these thoughts, remember that you are the expert on your relationship. You know your husband better than anyone, you know yourself, and you know how your marriage has changed through the years. Don’t let a relationship article take away all your hope for a happy, healthy marriage! Millions of relationships get pulled from the brink of divorce court every year by couples who are committed to rebuilding their marriages.
@HappyInMarriage I, too am young in my marriage (3 yrs) and have lots of “broken families” in my family tree. But unlike you and many other people who think marriage should always be “saved”, I think the most important thing is the QUALITY of the relationship. My parents have a better quality relationship when they are apart, and I was relieved when they divorced. Not only that, I have many extra siblings from new marriages they formed who mean the world to me and have a much larger family because of all the “broken” marriages. People change, make mistakes, etc and who are you or anyone else to tell people that you know what is best for them and their family? Sometimes staying together is not the best option for the health of the relationship. Sometimes a “broken” marriage can lead to greater joy in the family and new relationships and a bigger family.
If you two couldn't stop talking about the future, it's worth noting a sudden silence. "If your partner avoids any discussions about the future and plans you both may have made, this is a sign that they may not be happy in the relationship," says psychic and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport. "Unless they are willing to discuss future plans, this may mean their future plans may not include you." And that's obviously something you need to know.
Omar Khayyam said, “A person will like everything, even the flaws, of their beloved, but will be annoyed at the perfection of those whom he does not love.” For a truly loving man, you are always beautiful, even with messy hair and even in your oversized nightgown. He will not notice that you have gained a couple of extra pounds after the winter holidays if you do not say it yourself. But if your man constantly tells you to go to the gym or hints that you need plastic surgery, do not rush to indulge him. It is most likely that it’s not your appearance that doesn’t suit him but you yourself. And even if you lose weight, he will find other faults in you.
When you are in love with your man, you are ready to do anything to make him happy, no matter what it takes. However, sometimes you can do things that actually make him miserable. It’s not easy to figure out that but there are a few signs that indicate he’s truly unhappy. I’m not gonna lie to you, ladies, I’m not the best girlfriend in the world so I know exactly how to cope with an unhappy man. It’s tricky yet possible. Just asking “What’s wrong with you?” or “What did I do?” isn’t enough to make your man speak up. Unlike women, men don’t enjoy complaining. So here are warning signs your man is secretly unhappy.
The most cliched term in most women’s online profile is “I want a guy who can make me laugh”. I’m dying to know what percentage of boyfriends and husbands actually make their significant other “laugh” and how often?? How is it measured? How many years am I going to have to keep coming up with “new material?” Since when did we all have to become Jerry Seinfeld to find and keep a woman? I’m almost 99.9% sure no woman has ever rejected ME because I’m not funny enough. Every guy just can’t be that funny and /or entertaining as well as educated, tall enough, good looking enough, income, job title, yadda, yadda, yadda…………. Where does it end?

Changing how you respond involves taking a step back, and carefully considering what to say and do. I found it helpful to talk to a counselor, because I didn’t know what my “triggers” where, and how my behavior affected my husband. If you need help with your marriage, I encourage you to talk to a counselor, and get an objective and balanced perspective.
Life’s about more than just finding a man. Life is this great journey and it’s not about finding a man. Some of us will find a man along the way and it’ll add to our happiness. Others will stay single and other things will make them just as happy. You can be happy with or without a man. It honestly doesn’t matter. As long as you’re being true to you, you’ll end up happy.

you have to build up confidence and feel worthy without getting validation from another person. of course everyone wants their spouse to feel attracted to them but don’t base your sole confidence on whatever positive or negative comments ur wife may feel or say towards you. you have to learn to love and accept yourself before anyone else ever will. whether you feel over weight or not you still carry yourself like you are the man you wish to look like, until you loose the weight. oh yea don’t feel like having money is going to make everything better. money cant buy true love, friendship, or confidence. love who u are and evryhting will hopefully line up for you. good luck


A suitable response would be something like: “well, it’s hurtful to hear you say this but I’m so glad that you are being honest with me so that I can address it.  Can you share with me why you are unhappy so that I can decide how to make the appropriate changes?  I want for you to be fulfilled so that we can be happy together.  And I know that you love me, so let’s work together so that we are both genuinely happy in this marriage.”
It may be time to accept that he can’t love you the way you want to be loved. Your boyfriend isn’t ready to be in a relationship with you. It’s harsh, but he texted or told you that he doesn’t want you in his life anymore. He doesn’t love you, and you have to accept that he is not the one for you. If your boyfriend doesn’t have love for you in his heart, you have to allow him to have his true feelings. You have to accept your relationship, and be honest about your future. It hurts, but it’s the best way to move forward with a boyfriend who doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved.
I kept telling him that I Knew something, if not an affair, was up. He finally admitted that there was something wrong and he didnt understand it. He explained that he loved me, he still believed we were soulmates but for some reason he wasn’t content. He insisted it was not my fault and there was no other woman. He felt he needed some time to discover himself as he’d never lived alone. Having lived with him since the age of 16 I thought maybe space was what we both needed and I agreed for him to go travelling. He had always been drawn to a particular country and its culture so I suggested he to go there. He was hoping I’d suggest that, I think he even leaned the conversation that way … just as I suspected from the moment he left, there was another woman waiting out there for him – he moved straight in with her and pretended he was staying with a male business client he had befriended. I eventually got the truth from him and he explained that he’d met her a few months before moving to that country. She was the reason for the passwords, etc. He said he couldn’t keep away from her – it was like some unexplained spiritual thing. They weren’t matched, he didn’t much like her as a person, and (I know this sounds pompous but) she is less attractive than me and not at all his type. He said that she had told him that she felt the same unexplained attraction to him. He said that when he moved in with her he knew what a mistake he’d made but (same old story) she had psychological issues (I’ve read her blog and can confirm this as she talks about her mental problems on there) and he felt an obligation to do things properly.

Christine, I think you are mixing apples with oranges on this one.  It is not that the person has a flaw, physical or mental, it is that they are the ones responsible for seeking their own treatment.  I do not think telling someone you love “you need to get help with this because it is destroying us” is abandoning anyone.  It is asking them to take responsibility for their own health and well being.  When we are dealing with adults, we cannot “get them to a doctor”.  We can suggest, we can recommend, we can even beg or plead….but we cannot “make” them do anything. 


If a coupon still cares about each other, it should not be that hard to talk and follow thru. She does spend some money like 200-400 for food and kids’ pocket money but it is not enough to cover our expenses as I had explained to her but she didn’t care. I asked her what will happen to my kid in college if I lose a job, and she just said just wait until that happens as it is a long term thing (basically no need to build college fund) which I think is very short-sighted. She simply doesn’t want to help out the family and want to send money oversea for her new home project. I feels that she is very selfish and possibly plan to move back soon and leave the kids with me?? as she expressed on one sense that she should quick her job and move back so she didn’t have to deal with me and other financial requirements.
And just a word on sarcasm.  I discovered the rush of sarcasm in my teens.  I had a sharp, witty, sarcastic comeback for everything.  I have to say I was a bit full of myself in that area.  I thought being able to have a comeback for everything actually had value.  One day my sister told me that what I had said didn’t make her feel good, she asked me if I ever stopped to think about how those remarks affected other people.  I had never stopped to think about that, but I did then.  Sarcasm is “humor” with an ugly twist, tread lightly.
Hi, we are just the same but for me we don’t have a baby and I think he doesn’t want to have a baby with me😭😭, we’re married for almost 2 months and my husband told me that he never feel the satisfaction during our sex, i was so sad when he told me that it broke my heart so bad, then I ask him if what can I do to make him satisfy he just told me to pray for him, I’m so depressed and sad when he told me that😭😭

Through our marriage, he kept his own place, had taken the set of keys he had given me at the time of our wedding (it’s where our best man and his girlfriend stayed) and didn’t return them to me. He would stay out all night, not call, not come home – and when he did,he’d come home and drink – complain about me and our lack of sex…after our first counseling, he gave me a set of keys back…which I rejected, and shouldn’t have, but i am so full of anger and resentment…and still am. He moved out of the house (which I bought before the marriage) on May 10, but still has things in the house. He comes over and lets himself in when he wants (I have asked that he call beforehand)…and I have asked for the space to learn to let go of the anger and to forgive him, and miss him… but he won’t give me that space – and when we spend any time together, we end up fighting.
If he starts spending more time with his friends than earlier, it may be a sign that he`s is not happy with you anymore. Moreover, if he finds new and new excuses to avoid you and you rarely see him and talk to him, it’s a sure sign your relationship is over. Couples shouldn’t have secrets, because even the smallest lie can ruin any strong relationship.
A Marriage Repaired: You can take on your marriage, improve yourself, deal with your children; or look realistically at divorce. There is dignity in making it work. And, there’s dignity in starting fresh for the right reasons. Take a look at Harville Hendrix or John Gottman's work on rehabilitating a marriage. For many, it can be done. Take an active role.

“For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.” Romans 7:2-3
Thank you for your support. I assume that the response was that I am the guilty party, which is OK. I can take that. My mistake was that carrying on after my “affair” was a sign of forgiveness. After all, even in “fault” states if a woman sleeps with her husband after infidelity that is a sign that she moved on and has no reasons to sue later on. Yes, our marriage is one of assymetry. My wife has always used sex as a barganing chip, claiming that she does not need it and that is my reward for “good behavior”. I guess I was always a man of somewhat low self esteem and I put that on myself.However, our story does have updates. Soon after I posted, I found out that she did not only posted on one site but on multiple sites. All full blown profiles with pictures and everything. I found checked profiles of men she apparently liked on many sites. What was a full-blown smack in the head was a number of searches on dating sites, google, chat forums about “how to date a married woman”, “pitfalls of dating a married woman” “why men talk dirty online”, “how not to be a pervert”, even for terms like “eating man’s cake”. Numerous links to background checks, reverse phone numbers lookups. Even the search ” I kissed a man and did not feel anything? Why?” My head was absolutely spinning. Months of lies and deception. And then come more lies. When confronted, she came up with a story of lonelines and just looking for friends, even claiming she did not post pictures when I actually have them on disk. She quickly went on to delete the profiles from the sites I mentioned to her, but left intact those that I did not. Quite stupis behavior, caught liek a dear in the headlights. And no she did not kiss anyone, but no explanation for the search. Could anybody come up with a reasonable explanation why would a woman do such a serch. I am dying to get an unbiased opinion. Just when you think you know somebody. To think that I actually believed that she does not like sex!! I could only imagine what her mailbox looks like! Do I even want to know?
I have been married to my wife for 22 years this year. She and I have had a very up and down life together. she told me when we got married she wanted to stay home and raise children. I agreed. Now we have a 17 year old and a 9 year old. She has never had to work, and my job has been high stress and full of disappointments as I have strived to make enough for us to have the lifestyle we both say we want. I have been wrongfully terminated three times (proven in court). I have really struggled to rebuild my career but being in a public position has been very strenuous. As a longtime CEO and now private consultant in the public sector for the past 6 years my economic stress has been huge. I gained a 100 pounds over the years. So in 1999, my wife had an affair with a man, while I was working on the road to make enough money to take care of my family and find a way for us to relocate together. I was devastated. We did go to marriage counseling and our marriage survived this very hurtful situation. I found out she blamed me for the affair, saying our life had taken a toll on our emotionally and she thought she needed to jump ship to find economic security. I relocated us and then again to another state. So we reconnected and had our next little one. Now we have a second home in a well known lake community about 2 hours from our home. She over the past three to four years has taken to going there on her own because she is on a local talk show and says doing that gives her purpose and makes her happy. I usually have to stay behind and work and take care of the kids when she goes there. She gets no pay for the show, it is quite popular and she goes out usually when she is there with her local girlfriends some married, some divorced and some just barfly’s in their late 40’s looking to hook up and be told their sexy. She has gotten into several situations where either a friend has texted me seeing her out with the girls and other men and been suspicious and so on. I have told her repeatedly if you put yourself in these situations sooner or later something bad will happen that will affect us negatively. She thinks I don’t trust her and she loves to dance and have fun. She thinks I am being overly paranoid. She also says she has not been attracted to me because of my weight and that is what has been keeping us apart and less than intimate. She says she loves sex and she is always used to being the center of attention, she is still in great shape and gorgeous even at 49. She gets hit on all the time by men and she seems to enjoy the third party attention and affirmation of her sex appeal still. So then 6 months ago I find out she has been having another cyber affair over facebook and she hooked up with this guy in our lake town to have dinner and chat… she says nothing happened. He is the brother of one of her closets friends who comes over every week to have dinner with us as she just got divorced herself. Our two sons are friends and play baseball together. So I confronted her about all this and she just said, It was stupid I don’t want out of our marriage and she says she ended it. I even found a card he sent her where he said, he felt their meeting had brought them to a new level in their relationship. So I went on a diet and have lost about 50 pounds thus far. Things seemed better, then she went over to the lake house this past weekend with a married girlfriend that was visiting from out of town, who has been her friend since childhood. They went to the bar with the girls, my wife got so drunk she couldn’t drive and was talking to some 20 something man for a longtime and being very confrontational. She drinks at least a couple glasses of wine per day she says it keeps her sane in my high stress and uncertain world of finances. I got behind on our taxes after 2008 and dug a big hole and have been negotiating with the IRS to find a way to settle them. Being self-employed is hard to keep them current and pay for everything. Everytime I confront her about how her going out makes me feel really insecure she just says I am holding onto the past and that I think she is a whore and/or slut, and she has done nothing wrong. I wish I could believe her, but I just can’t get 100% comfortable with this lifestyle or trusting her again. She has broken my heart now two times. Somehow I still love her. I love our family and I don’t want to break it up. But this is killing me and she always places the blame on me for all circumstances and then says this is what gets her stressed out. I am just lost. I don’t know what I should do, or how I can get our relationship back on track or whether she really wants to do so. Everytime we fight she says after our son graduates we are over. That just makes my heart sink… then later she will come back and say, I was just mad, I didn’t mean it. I don’t want our marriage to end. But it happens again always and it did last night as well. This time I just said, “You created this situation, I am not willing to accept the blame for it, and I can see our attorney next week and end this if that is what you want?” Then she says I threatened to divorce her and it is my fault again. I can’t get her words out of my mind I am fat, she is not attracted to her and when we are intimate she has to hold her breath or she says I nearly crush her until she can’t breath. Now I am a big guy. 6’3″ and 280 pounds still and most women find me attractive. Even her girlfriends say they would kill to have her life. Many of them have told me that they think she is crazy to not be truly happy she has a kind, loving and caring man in her life that treats her like a queen and never berates her, or abuses her mentally or physically. I try to make everything our family needs come true… I work really hard, but I also attract a great deal of public detractors due to my public life by way of bloggers and web postings. I am a public speaker, author and public sector consultant engaged in negotiating deals between local governments and businesses that want to expand or relocate to a new area and create jobs. I have been doing this for 22 years since we first married. I don’t have any other knowledge of how to make enough to pay our bills. I feel trapped, confused and don’t know if my marriage is salvageable and/or whether I should keep trying. I have suggested that we go to a counselor again, but she says no, that is not what she needs. So, long story but I am totally at a loss for what direction I should choose.

I would have gone to the ends of the earth for this man and stayed forever, if he had been willing to work on his issues.  But in the end, you cannot force a grown man to do that if that is not what they want for themselves.  Should you subject yourself to yet more emotional torture and hurt whilst they spiral ever downwards?  What is the use of two people’s lives being destroyed? Very often it is the tough love in this world that has motivated those people to get help and improve, not the silent suffering of those they love.  Moreover, I don’t believe people with serious issues necessarily want to hurt those close to them – so I actually think calling a halt to the madness can be a kindness for all.
Great article Steve, one of the best I have read so far on GMP. It applies to more than just marriages, it includes all depending on others for happiness. One of the consequences that can flow from going the change route to be responsible for your own happiness is that it can mean the end of your relationship which may have been a reality regardless. To minimise the risk of this you need to consider how you will effectively communicate your change needs with your partner and be prepared for negotiation around a win win solution. This also might require… Read more »
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