“Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint,” writes Lisitsa on Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. “The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack: it is an attack on your husband at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his whole being when you criticize.”
Is your marriage worth fighting for, or is it over? I don’t know the answer, but I do believe that you can save your marriage if you try. You can’t change your husband, and you can’t stop him from ending your relationship…but you can change how you respond to him. This doesn’t mean you let him walk all over you, or you force yourself to become someone you’re not.
My plan is to catch them in act and confronted. I wanted to know how long has this been going on and why. I will ask her what she is planning to do with it. If she still wanted to carry on with the guy, then I have to divorce and take custody of my son and move on life. But thinking about it makes me feel like vomiting. I do really love her so much and can’t bear leaving her. What should I do?
But when I finally began to focus on me (the one person whose thoughts/actions/behavior I do have control over) I realized what a good therapist can do: help me clarify my own thoughts. Recognize my own cognitive distortions. Understand my own emotions. Modify my own behavior.....well -- it's been far harder than I ever thought, but it's also been far more beneficial - in more ways - than I ever imagined.
"So Sheila, at work, is having this really awful thing with her ex," he says, a little too sympathetically. You nod, also sympathetically, because you know that Sheila has been having digestive problems and had to go gluten-free, and also that Sheila's aunt with whom she was really close died last month, and...hold on. Why do you know so much about Sheila At Work? An overly enthusiastic friendship with a so-called work wife may not translate to actual nookie in the actual conference room—after all, you don't mind him having female friends—but it could suggest that something is lacking from your relationship that he is looking for somewhere else. And he may not even know it himself. But when he seems to have more sympathy for the ongoing sagas of Sheila At Work than he does with your own various ordeals, that's more than being a concerned colleague. That's a "We need to talk" memo.

The truth is, men are mostly taught to “man-up” and deal with our own emotions. We aren’t told how, when and where to release them or to deal with them in a healthy manner. It’s basically just “stop acting like a little b*tch and get over it”. And sometimes the issues that men go through are much DEEPER than just a momentary emotion, because some dudes are dealing with severe mental problems, but because mental illness is such a taboo topic (especially for BLACK men), it becomes a subject that gets overlooked.
just tell him, be honest, if its something his doing than he can work on and you think you can be happy again well than tell him that...if its just you dont want to be with him at all tell him...its hard but people break up with there boyfriends and girlfriend every second or people get dumped every second thats part of life and thats part of dating, he will move on. dont be mean about it, dont make it harder for him than it already will be...but hey you never know maybe he feels the same way and it will be mutal and easy for both of you...

Invite your boyfriend out for a special night. Choose something he enjoys doing and follow it with dinner. Be yourself and make the date romantic. Watch his reaction. Look for disinterest or an eagerness to end the date. If he doesn't respond to something you've set up specifically for him, there is something going on. It may not be that he is unhappy, but taken in the context of other signs, it's a good bet he might be.
This is the oldest trick in the book. Why do we start a relationship hoping a man is going to change? It’s important to accept your boyfriend for who he is, in the flesh. If you fell in love with your idea of him, and not the real him, that’s not his fault. If you are pushing him to do things he doesn’t want to do, it’s not going to make him happy.
Bf of 3 years broke up with me months ago. We are from different countries andoved abroad for a year now moved back to my country. We were supposed to have a fresh start but he broke things off before we moved. We met up a few times and made out a few times after break up. But now he said he will only come back to my life once I move on. It is so difficult to hear things like it and I am still devastated. I am sure I can make things right only if he gives us one more chance but I also know he is far away gone.
Think about what your conversations are like. Can you talk to your boyfriend like he's your best friend? Do you share secrets, talk about your dreams, discuss the things that really make you sad, get into passionate discussions? If so, that's great! But if your conversations are boring and strictly about gossip, work, school, your parents or movies and there's no depth to them, that's not a good sign. You should connect to the person you're dating on a deeper level then just talking about what's going on in your lives.
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Through our marriage, he kept his own place, had taken the set of keys he had given me at the time of our wedding (it’s where our best man and his girlfriend stayed) and didn’t return them to me. He would stay out all night, not call, not come home – and when he did,he’d come home and drink – complain about me and our lack of sex…after our first counseling, he gave me a set of keys back…which I rejected, and shouldn’t have, but i am so full of anger and resentment…and still am. He moved out of the house (which I bought before the marriage) on May 10, but still has things in the house. He comes over and lets himself in when he wants (I have asked that he call beforehand)…and I have asked for the space to learn to let go of the anger and to forgive him, and miss him… but he won’t give me that space – and when we spend any time together, we end up fighting.

Me an my husband have been married for two years now, we have a wonderful, healthy one year old together. My problem is, he’s quite a mommy’s or should I say grandmas boy. Before we got married he lived with his grandparents where his grandma did everything for him. She cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, made his bed, an waited on him hand an foot. Now that we are together I don’t mind cleaning, cooking, or any other house chores, but he expects me to do them without any help. I don’t get off work till 8pm an he cooks dinner alot I will admit that. He acts like I never do anything, he tells me if I only worked as hard as he has to. Mind you I’m a caregiver taking care of two different clients, an he is a cable guy. He tells me all the time I don’t care about the things he does for me, but I feel the same way. I’m to my breaking point I can’t take his put downs an him saying my job means nothing. I don’t want to leave him, but something has to change.
The first thing you should do before speaking to your partner is finding out why you are unhappy. Once you are able to tell your boyfriend you are unhappy, you two can talk about what has to be done in order for you to be happy. You may catch your partner off guard when you bring up the situation, so try to be the bigger person and avoid getting into a big fight. Make sure not to leave anything out when you have this conversation as you want your boyfriend to fully understand what led to this. After everything is out in the open, ask your boyfriend what he wants, tell him what you want, and get closure. Don't let this situation drag on for months, find a solution as soon as possible.

It’s up to YOU to make you happy. You can’t rely upon anyone else to make you happy. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Besides, it’s time to take responsibility for yourself. If you’re not happy with you, you’ll never be happy with a man. Take some time to focus on figuring out what makes you happy. A man can only add to your happiness. He can’t be the entire basis for your happiness.


Hi and thanks for your site. I love it! I’ve been married going on 3 months but have been with my husband for 2 years prior to marriage. I don’t know where to begin. I feel like I am going crazy and I don’t know what to do. I feel that my husband is a good man but we have a lot of issues to work on. I came from an abusive household but my husband didn’t. we both very bad tempers and there has been a lot of mean words said and physical violence on both of our parts. Whenever we argue my husband always brings up my childhood to deflect what it is that I have a problem with even though I’ve asked him not to do this. For example, he works long hours 6 days a week while I go to school 5 days a week 6 hours a day and do all of the household chores including laundry, cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping , and I always have a hot meal prepared for him when he gets home plus getting up early in the morning to make him breakfast and a lunch for work. He does absolutely nothing but work. On his day off he spend 12-16 hours playing videogames. When I asked him when we would spend time together he told me that he wanted to have fun and was playing the game. I asked if he meant that playing a videogame was more fun than hanging out with me and he said yes. Then he proceeded to put me down for not doing the laundry in a timely manner.

My wife is 41 I’m 56. Been together 10 yrs married 9 yrs. It’s been 9 yrs of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse from her. To start, she has a complex about having small breasts. I have no problem with them. I’m not allowed to touch them, not even during sex, which now is down to once a month. Even then it’s a fight. We don’t ever “make love”. It’s just quick sex. If I try to initiate sex, it doesn’t happen. If i persist she becomes irate, obscene and it’s a big fight. I’m not allowed to caress or to kiss her. Sex is only when she initiates it. No passion or foreplay. I’ve been begging and pleading for years. We fight and argue all the time, even about simple things. The next morning she would be all cheery as if nothing happened and I of course would not be. I keep telling her she’s destroying our marriage. What complicates it is that at the beginning I put up $63K to purchase our home with a mortgage. We also have a 5 yr old son that lives with us. My first boy child. I have 4 grown girls. The abuse over the years has taken a toll and I”m ready to end the marriage. I just can’t take it anymore. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Multiply it by 10 steady years, month after month, week after week. EVERYDAY!!!
Second, you might consider leaving our husband on a trial basis. Move out, give yourself and him a chance to figure out if your marriage is over. The time and distance might do you both good. Sometimes it’s difficutl to see what big life decision we should make when were in the thick of it all…but stepping out of our marriages through a separation can bring clarity and objectivity. And, that clarity can help you know if it’s time to end your relationship.
Thank you ladies with sharing. I really felt supported reading your words and experiences. A week ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months. He was very grouchy and negative most of the time. Sometimes it was directed at me, sometimes not. Initially I attributed it to his life circumstance….losing his job, reorganizing his life. I now think that is how he relates to his environment and I don’t think he will ever change. He is a Marine and maybe his exposure to that culture and the lifestyle contributed to his incompatible behavior and attitude. I recognized that continuing down that road with him would have been unhealthy for me. It already was. I tried in so many ways to support his struggle and just lost the interest in continuing. Despite my deep care for him, our dynamic became unbearable. The issues became undeniable when he was broke with nowhere to go and he started staying at my house, despite me expressing kindly that I didn’t want that because living together means more when it is intentional about a vision of relationship and less about being convenient. I couldn’t turn my back and by moving him in, we were forced into facing relationship issues sooner than we were ready. We totally broke what we had and it ended in a way I truly regret. BIG emotion and I kicked him out, which was damaging to him and damaging to me. I do not regret ending it, but I do regret ending it in such an abrupt and destructive way. I think my big message here is despite the pain that a partner’s moods cause, end it in a way that is respectful to both. We both deserve to be available for something more compatible ahead and a destructive ending makes the reinvention difficult.

hi my name is Penelope i been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he said i dont know if i want to be with you anymore it made me upset but i have to repeated it i have to move on it going to be hard on the both of us but it for the best i know that i loved him so much and we cared for each other and we did everything together we going to have our memorise together we had so much fun been together and i will always love him and care for each other but we Can still be friends and love each other as friends and care for each other i will always love you Daniel forever and always
If you think they're at a loss for words, you can always spur the conversation or turn it into some sort of game. The key is interest, not so much the content or the topic. Seriously, it can be something that seems really boring, but as research has pointed out, "couples build intimacy through hundreds of very ordinary, mundane moments in which they attempt to make emotional connections." You've got to build somehow, even if it is just by asking someone's favorite color.
My husband and I have been going through a rough time lately, and I dont know how much longer I can hand in there and keep trying. We have three beautiful girls, including a lovely 8 month old baby. Throughout our marriage we have had rough patches. He used to be destructive, and kick or hit things and dent or break them. While i was pregnant this last time he seemed to be very good, and we seemed to be getting along well. Then, a month or two after she was born he started getting very irritable a lot. Honesty has been a major issue as it is very important to me, and i have caught him in many lies. Mostly regarding him chewing tobacco. I am against it as he leaves spitters around, and my oldest accidentally drank one, and since them it is no more. Therefore he has been lying about it. We also have not been intimate very often,and it only happens, so he will stop asking and leave me alone. I get very frustrated as it seems that is all he wants is a physical relationship. He is either grabbing me in front of my kids, which makes me mad, or always suggesting it. Where I would rather talk ,and build more of an emotional connection, all he wants is a physical one. He is easily angered, and yells and swears a lot as well. I just dont know how long someone really has to keep trying, but i dont want to look back, and say I should have tried harder. Please give some advice. We have tried marriage counceling before, but he is not big on communication, criticism, or flexibility.
I can’t say it will last and I can’t say I am happy but she didn’t do anything and neither did I. Sometimes we get into a funk and it lasts a very long time. I know some people are incapable of giving us what we need even when we spell it out for them. They are unwilling,unable, or have some personal,religous,or family taught or untaught traits that damage a long term relationship.
If you want to stop your husband from having an affair and save your family finance, you must learn how to break your husband's wrong associations in a wise and smart manner. One main thing that can make your husband to have an affair and cheat on you is the kind of friends he keeps. Spend time to study his friends. Find out their values, and if they do not measure up, go down in prayers to God to sever the relationships. Do not feel you can separate them from your husband by nagging, complaining, fighting or condemning your husband or his friends. You can successfully achieve this through wisdom, the right techniques, patience and prayers. Remember, your husband is an adult, you cannot choose his friends for him. I will show you a powerful eBook that will help you to win your husband to yourself.
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For whatever reason, you feel dependent enough on your boyfriend that you can't imagine being without him. Maybe it's because he always fixes your car, pays for your stuff and lends you money, makes you feel less alone or gives you something to do. Whatever the reason, don't stay with someone you are too dependent on - stay with someone if you genuinely want to be with them!

It can sometimes be difficult to know if a boyfriend is happy, particularly if your boyfriend isn't skilled at communicating. Since both parties in a relationship need to be happy for the relationship to stand a chance for long-term survival, you should approach your boyfriend if you feel he may not be happy in the relationship. While there is no way to fully know if your boyfriend is happy, there are signs to look for to help determine the state of your relationship.
The feeling of being head over heels in love is powerful. So powerful, in fact, many couples forget that being married, or at least having a successful marriage, goes beyond just being in love. Klapow explains that men often don't realize marriage isn't an addition to their life, but really a call to change their life. "This takes a while but sets in hard — that marriage means your life changes," he said. "Men have a hard time accepting this."
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