I agree with Esther Perel on one thing: we do need to receive fulfillment from our daily lives, or else we end up unhappy. But the remedy isn't for us to go from person to person looking for the next high. There’s no way another human being can bring us complete happiness; they're just as flawed as we are! God intends for us to find fulfillment in living a life of intimate communion with Him.
If you cannot identify any specific parts of your relationship that make you unhappy, you may be dealing with a larger problem. In such cases, it might be a good idea to involve a couple's counselor, suggests Jeanne Segal and Melinda Smith in their HelpGuide.org article "Relationship Help." If you are struggling with personal issues or with your mood in general – not just your marriage – let your husband know what you are experiencing. For example, frequent crying, insomnia or not enjoying the things that you used to may point to a broader issue. Once your husband understands how you're feeling, he may be able to help ease some of your daily burdens, as well as help you find a health care provider to help you deal with these issues.
Reading this reminded me that ultimately, he is responsible for his own happiness, and I am responsible for mine. Maybe he will meet that person who inspires him to get the help that he needs, and who won’t be dragged down by his illness. And I am now free to look after myself. Given our love for each other, we both see this as the best way this could have worked out.
“When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean,” writes Ellie Lisitsa in The Four Horsemen: Contempt on The Gottman Institute’s blog about strengthening relationships. “Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
When you are looking for ways to enjoy your husband, even running the simplest of errands together can provide an opportunity for some fun. When our kids were young, Steve and I would wait until the little ones had gone to bed, and then leaving them in the care of their older sister, we would sneak off to a 24-hour home improvement store. Steve was doing yet another remodel of our home, so there were frequent purchases to be made. This meant we had little money to spend on dates and less time than usual for Steve to devote me.
I’m not completely sure what will happen between me and my current (and first) boyfriend but he I moody and so far I have been trying to understand and be kind to him, I’m not planning on leaving him… at the moment.. I just instead decided to try and help him out, because I still love him, even when he bring me down.. because I honesty know how hard it is to try and cope when you have mental illness, I myself have very bad anxiety but I’m getting help for it. I also am starting to believe that my loved one was in a sense..”dumped” the same way I notice quite a few of you ladies have chosen to with your moody guys.. I just don’t want to do that to him! Because I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me! I find fulfillment from helping someone out anywas, I also take it from my Christian faith, giving love unconditionally.
We moved past that and again yesterday I was on FB using his because I don’t have my own account. I found some very hurting conversations he’s been having with women before I arrived and even now he tries to speak to them -most of the conversations are from before and leading to the months I arrived. Please help me I don’t know what to do. We got married legally but are having a wedding celebration next month and I’ve been tears since yesterday. I spoke with him and he assured me again that he didn’t meet these women -said he is sorry cried and so forth but I don’t know. Please help me, please. I don’t know what to do. I just want to walk away and go back home. Please help me.
I’m just 10 months married now and I am already in a very diffuclt situation. In the beginning our marriage was so nice and problem free. Suddenly my husband changed. He became very religious and I can’t fallow him the way he wants me. I am always thinking of leaving him but I just can’t!! As soon as he is starting to leave me the only soloution I see is to commit suicide. I know what to do, I know what is best for me. But I just can’t do it! I am really so helpless
Give yourself time to grieve the idea that your boyfriend doesn’t love you or want you in his life anymore. It’s a huge, shocking blow. Don’t gloss over your disappointment, heartache, grief, pain, sadness, and fear. What helps me heal from terrible loss is writing. I write to express my pain. Other women turn to art, music, hiking in the woods or snow, swimming, decluttering the house, or traveling. Even reading can be an effective way to grieve the loss of a boyfriend’s love.
I guess ypu already know the answer. But you just want someone else to give you that little push. Darling, there is a whole world out there for you to explore. So many wonderful experiences are waiting for you. You have no time to be unhappy. If a person is not treating you right, let him go. It might feel difficult at first. But trust me, life is amazing without the toxic people in your life. And if he really cares about you, he will come back. And if he doesn’t come back be happy to be free from such a toxic relationship. Its a win win situation.
I encourage you to talk to a counselor. You don’t need your husband to agree to go to couples counseling for you to get emotionally healthy! A counselor will help you sort out all the questions and miscommunications and problems you’re having…and he or she will help you see what direction you should go in. A counselor can also help you see your husband’s personality more clearly, which can help you decide if your marriage is truly over, or if there’s hope that you can save it.
It can sometimes be difficult to know if a boyfriend is happy, particularly if your boyfriend isn't skilled at communicating. Since both parties in a relationship need to be happy for the relationship to stand a chance for long-term survival, you should approach your boyfriend if you feel he may not be happy in the relationship. While there is no way to fully know if your boyfriend is happy, there are signs to look for to help determine the state of your relationship.
i am in the exact same thing that you are ... i love him so much and i cant let him go ! i want to fight for us and stay together ! i have fought for so long and whats the point of giving up now ? we have been together for one year and five months i cant imagine losing him forever .. he means so much to me i dont know what to do ? any tips ?..... :''(
I have been wondering too. I like Lia’s take– that we all have senses of humour– just different ones. I get so tired of grade 7 bodily function humour. I like Senfield humour and slapstick. My boyfriend is all about bodily function stuff, and I don’t know what to do. He is awesome in every other way, but he keeps trying to make me laugh with this otber stuff. He was really popular in Middle school and highschool with amunition like making fun of people’s names, and bodily function stuff. It doesn’t offend, just not funny. When Evan said, ” if you think you are funny, maybe you should be with someone who thinks you are…” makes me think that person isn’t me?? I’m not funny myself, but it’s usually been super easy for people to make me laugh. Just not this person😟
Sometimes, we offer help in a way we think would feel helpful for us, when really, our partner might need something completely different. For example, offering to give your partner space to process their unhappiness might be the opposite of what they'd like; they may want company. The point here is to ask how they would like to be supported and to do that.
Reader Q&A marriage/monogamy parenting couples counseling psychology Men sex moms guest post dating babies kids child psychology humor anxiety toddlers preschoolers divorce and stepfamilies infidelity elementary schoolers depression narcissism parenting hacks bachelor product review Highly Sensitive People inlaws Functional couple friday working moms attachment theory
He told me he has incredibly high expectations for the world and the world simply doesn't meet them. He feels that he needs to hold people accountable to higher expectations and believes the world is "dumbing down", going to a more mediocre way of thinking. After he said that, I asked him why he doesn't change his expectations, if he knows no one will live up to them, wouldn't having lower expectations and having people meet them make him happier? He told me perhaps, but he is unwilling to do that because then the world would win, and he wouldn't be keeping his beliefs. Aaargh!
I just got married a second time five years ago to the same person . But I really thought he loves me but I have to beg for sex, I dont get anything on my birthday, christmas, valentine, or any other holiday. He lies all the time and plays video games all day and tonight if doesnt have to work. I am just a problem , I ask him is there problem but no answer but no. I feel like a doll, smile I feel hurt and abused . maybe one day someone will love me for who I am. I am run down and cant take to much more . I just what a life!!!
I like this inspirational article! My husband of almost 12 years of marriage, is has been having an affair for 3 years. I am devastated and hurting so bad. My husband told me that he is so unhappy and doesn’t like himself, life and me. Out of respect of my marriage and my promise to God, I stuck by my husband despite his constant lying, arrogance, rages, jealousy of me, meanness, convenient part time dad, disrespecting me to the point that his talk and actions are considered emotional and mental abuse. I know I did the best I could in our marriage! I do realize that my husband has to own his issues and they are not mind. God will get me through this, however I am hurting so bad!!
I am 33 and have been with my husband for 15 years, Married for 5 of those. We got together when i was 17 so i have never been in a relationship with anyone except him. our problems begun when i was pregnant for our daughter who is now 2 1/2. I was diagnosed with post natal depression when our daughter was 18 months old. He is a very strong willed man who i feel in an argument will not back down and i feel its me always me saying sorry even though sometimes its not my fault! I have not been at work since having our daughter so the pressure is on for him to provide, but makes me feel guilty when i spend money on shopping etc. He has ask that i write down what i spend. what money i do get goes into our joint account, it pains me not having my own wage coming in as i feel i have to justify all expenditure. I do not go out very often without my daughter and when i do after the event we end up arguing because he will bring the fact that ive been out. I got into debit a few years back and didn’t want to put extra pressure onto him, i asked my mum to loan me the money. To which i later confessed to. 6 years on he says he hates my Mum and will slag off my parents marriage (who have been married for 40 yrs) His parents have gone thru his dad being an alcoholic and domestic violence to which he was witness to as a child. He says real nasty things to me in the heat of the moment, which i can not forget. this is only the half of it. We spend more time arguing then not and any special moment is clouded by an argument. We go for days not talking after an argument. He says he hates the person i have become & feels since having our daughter i have put him on a shelf and will come back to him when i am ready. We argued the other day because i said that our daughter was the most important thing in my life not him! In every argument he says his leaving this has gone on for nearly 3 years now. I have fallen pregnant on the pill and abortion is not a option. I now feel we have maybe out grown each other & that to much hurt and upset has gone on to be able to repair things. we have had counseling but could not afford to keep it up. to you think that some time apart for us both to reflect on things could help. He says he loves me with all his heart but i have to change for things to work. I just feel so lost in what to do. I do not know if were are both hanging on for the wrong reasons (ie: our daughter) or if this relationship has just become a habit. please i would be grateful for any advice .
That you for writing this article. I am a 30 yr old woman who has been in a commonlaw relationship for 10 yrs. We have 2 kids together. My significant other had an emotional/physical i dont know affair with our neighbour who is 20! I recently lost my job and sitting here in this house with that #$%&* next door is hard to take. I find i have more and more time to think about the relationship each day and i have become very self-isolating and depressed. I have contiplated suicide too often to count in the last few months. The only way i see moving on is by leaving him. I tried to leave, made arrangements for an apartment and told him I did so. He managed to beg me into staying. My life has come to a halt. I want to go back to school and become a naturopathic doctor someday. When he says he loves me i can not think of anything to say..the words are not there. He thinks this year would be a good year to get married, i told him it aint happening unless he comes clean about what happened with the “child” next door. I dont think that is going to happen anytime soon. I need to get out of this relationship before I turn into some depressed raging bitter old wife someday..
Me too. But “disappointment” isn’t a value nor a boundary. What is a non-negotiable value of yours that precedes your disappointment? What decision would you make as a result? What consequences are you willing to face when your boundary for your relationship values is crossed? What invitation could a man/woman make to their partner to address the situation without blaming them? Self-reliance is all about owning our responsibility for our own initiative – without dependence on the outcome.
My husband has been struggling for a while now. Probably a couple of years that I know of. I told him that if he needed to take some time away from his regular life to try and figure things out for himself, I would support him in that. Well....he thanked me and found a place to stay next month. Alone. He will still go to work, but be away from all other aspects of his routine home life.
Even though it solves nothing, I have Google and read over a thousand things like this. Because I’m lost and pissed off at myself for being lost. We dated for a year and 3 month, and I thought “this is it, he is the one for me”. It’s been long distance and I was finally getting everything in order for me to move across the world so that we could be together. And then, the breakup. He doesn’t know what he wants, he’s not sure if he will always feel this way, and finally today, to give myself so sort of closure, I told him that if he truly doesn’t love me anymore: say it. He did. So now I’m here, broken hearted and confused. But also, empowered and excited for the future even though I can’t stop crying. I have no idea where life will lead me next and of course I’m sad because I still love him. But mostly, i am grieving for the fact that I really believed this man, who hurt me this bad, was going to be the person I’d spend my life with. I’ve written down why he was wrong for me and I’m carrying it with me everywhere I go. He was emotionally closed off. We had a poor sex life. He was half a world away most of the time. I have my life planned and I know what I want. It’s not him, it was never him and if I can remind myself that enough I know I’ll be okay in time. Stay strong ladies, we don’t deserve anyone who doesn’t see our worth.
Your article “A Man Won’t Be Happy WITH You, If He’s Not Happy With Himself”. Was very insightful and it made me realize that I’ve been very harsh on my boyfriend lately. I feel like in some way I’ve failed as a girlfriend to be more transparent to his needs. My boyfriend is retired military so much of his training has some type of hand in him being unemotionally available. Plus his job is very very very demanding lately its been tough on him and his health, our relationship. Here I am still standing firm in God and faith that seasons come and go, storms shall pass.
ive been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs we have a beautiful 1 yr old daughter & well lately he spends all day everyday outside in the garage watching tv & he doesnt care abt spending anytime with me & when I go tell him that its wrong that he is always outside and he doesnt spend no time w/me he tells me I bitch alot he nvr wants to listen to me & tells me to leave…& when I ask him if he’s tired of me & he says yes idk wat to do anymore ;(
I met a guy through MySpace. I later started taking to his cousin because he started texting me out of the blue. During the time he was calling and texting everyday almost all of the time. For some reason he wasn’t my type but i soon went on to start liking him then so forth and so on i started to fall in love with him. He told me he loved me, we were really close. It took 9 years until i finally went to go see him. He was in LA at his brothers i caught Amtrak, we had sex, i really thought he was the one. When i came back from LA he just started acting funny. He told me he wasnt ever my boyfriend. He loved me but i act childish, He also told me he didnt want to be with me anymore. He went on to keep it cordial we both agreed to be friends but he always wnted something from me. Either money or sexual encounters. Im over him but for anyody going through this bless your heart time will soon heal the pain, love yourself and god first. Take care of yourself and your heart.
Had been married for about 10 years. Have three beautiful kids all under the age of 10. Future ex wife filed for divorce and did not talk. The manipulation game worked for her for it drew the worst out of a good man that pleaded to keep his family together. We were on the brink of re-building our marriage through counseling, but future ex wife wrecked a family. We never committed adultery, fought through anger, called each other names, nothing. No alcohol or drug abuse. My eldest daughter has been devastated. So hard to see your kids cry and plead for their mommy and daddy to stay together. I never wanted such an outcome of a 10 year marriage. Things moved so fast over the first 7 years with several children born, loss of job linked to the shitty economy took a toll on my and my future ex wife. I developed depression over the last year of marriage of which made family tough. I received appropriate care for my depression and I looked up to my wife at the time for much needed support. With wife starting a business, me staying at home with the kids while trying to gain access to job opportunities, I was spent. I did some recharging by protecting myself from the negativity that spewed from my wife over the last several months of marriage. I needed to regain my individuality that I lost trying to serve a woman that was controlling and very self serving. Overall, we both made some minor mistakes in our marriage that went noticed – meaning all of the negative baggage was carried to the point of filing for divorce instead of FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE THINGS THAT YOUR PARTNER BRINGS TO THE MARRIAGE! We failed to communicate effectively and truly trusting each other. I made a game out of the situation that was worsened by my attitude to make the situation worse. Depression is a bastard for I just wasn’t myself during the depression days. Now I have a bit of a clearer mindset as the depression fades with time and much self reflection. I do still find myself very alone…pondering the what ifs at times…but for the most part, I often wonder what could have been. Our divorce process has been pretty boring. My future ex wife doesn’t speak to me and hasn’t since the divorce filing. I often wonder about reconciliation, but due to the current communication state, I feel that reconciliation is no longer an opportunity. Now that I see my kids 4 days per month, I have lost connection with them. I no longer think about them as much as I did when I was at home. I pick em up and two of them want to stay with mom…I take em home and they run after the car crying for their dad. Oh well, kids will be affected, but that is the way of the future ex wife.
The OP has every right to want a guy that makes her laugh if its that important to her. My only question to her would be to why does she wait until the relationship has reached LTR status before she lowers the boom on these guys? She should know after a few months if this is a deal breaker for her and then move on without too much being invested by the guy or her. She probably knows the guy has an expiration date but dangles him along. Not cool. Its OK to be superficial or wanting a specific quality. Just declare it early on instead of 12 months in or whatever timeframe defines LTR.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year, we don’t live together in the same place, we are in a long distance relationship. I don’t think my boyfriend wants me anymore. At first we used to meet every week, we were happy in love but now that love is gone he doesn’t want me to visit him. He is digging in my past n other people tells him lies about me especially male people, if I call him he is not answering my calls and if I don’t call him its a problem. My boyfriend accuses me of have an affair when he’s not around (which is not true). So I wonder if my boyfriend want to breakup with me or what because now its a long time since we saw each other again.Advice me please.
The truth is, men are mostly taught to “man-up” and deal with our own emotions. We aren’t told how, when and where to release them or to deal with them in a healthy manner. It’s basically just “stop acting like a little b*tch and get over it”. And sometimes the issues that men go through are much DEEPER than just a momentary emotion, because some dudes are dealing with severe mental problems, but because mental illness is such a taboo topic (especially for BLACK men), it becomes a subject that gets overlooked.
Slovakia, we have the Saint Nicholas Day on 6th of December. Kids get sweets on that day from "him". Pre-schools and schools have someone always dress up sa him and kids also get at least one sweet then as well. My first pre-school Nicholas Day was also a photo day with him. I was scared. My mom still has a photo of me crying my eyes out standing next to a smiling Santa-like person.
First of all, I would like to say he isn’t this way very often but when he is, it’s a little scary. Un-nerving. He becomes volatile very quickly. And you never know if he’s going to be that way when you open the door or his normal self. It’s exhausting. I can’t relax, I feel like I have to be on constant guard. He complains that we don’t have sex enough, that I don’t initiate it enough, that when he gets that way, all I have to do is take him to the bedroom. I thought at first that he was kidding. I think he is angry at me but he strikes out (harsh words) at the kids to me because he knows it gets to me.
Thank you for sharing this. Right now, my soon to be ex husband of 12 years, is with his girlfriend and my children (as well as her children). I keep beating myself up and wondering why he is happier with her than he was with me. But in the end, I know I loved him well and couldn’t have done anything differently. I am not solely responsible for his happiness. Now he’s going out into the world to find it. But the world will come up empty in the end. Only God can fill the void he’s looking to fill. Please pray for me.
I think you need to figure out why you cheated on your husband, and why you feel so bad about yourself. And, your husband needs to figure out why he’s willing to stay married no matter what you do! Once you both gain some insight into your own persoanlities and choices, then you can focus on whether it’s time to end the relationship or save your marriage.
When people have exciting news to share or even just need someone to talk to, they typically speed dial the person closest to them. If that used to be your spouse but is now someone else — whether that's a girlfriend or another man — it's a clear sign you're not in the happy marriage you used to be. "Research shows that in healthy marriages, couples celebrate each other's successes. If you're turning to [someone else] first in good times and bad, then you're replacing your husband emotionally and avoiding addressing what isn't working with him," says Dr. Paulette Sherman, psychologist, director of My Dating and Relationship School and author of Dating from the Inside Out. Try putting your husband into your #1 spot again. If you're not getting the support you need — or you don't even want it in the first place — it might be time to sit down and have a serious discussion about your relationship.