Hi. Im no expert but if he can stop to care about her feelings he can stop to care about your feelings if he loves you. Sometimes i believe some men get a little to selfish because they feel the love we have for them. But make him see that if he can’t stop seeing her then your of the menu too “so to speak”. Make him decided what’s more important. That way you can also find some one who can make you happy whether its him or someone else. That’s my thought good luck!
Christine, I think you are mixing apples with oranges on this one.  It is not that the person has a flaw, physical or mental, it is that they are the ones responsible for seeking their own treatment.  I do not think telling someone you love “you need to get help with this because it is destroying us” is abandoning anyone.  It is asking them to take responsibility for their own health and well being.  When we are dealing with adults, we cannot “get them to a doctor”.  We can suggest, we can recommend, we can even beg or plead….but we cannot “make” them do anything. 
Well it is of no surprise the outright majority will be females who have been wronged by males. I myself am in a different circumstance. I have tried to push ahead in life with my relationship, for the pure fact that we have two children and it seems to be the morally right and socially acceptable thing to do. However, I am ending it….for the pure fact that I do not love this woman as one who needs a partner they can trust, should. It is to no fault of her own, she could not see what the relationship needed, and had instead focused on what articles like this had listed. Communication is paramount, but as much as everyone thinks they know, it is a two way street and listening is skill that we as humans must learn.
Hi i have been married now for 10 years I was married at 19 My husband and I have 2 great children but that seems like the only thing we have in common anymore. It seems like all we do is fight. I know I love him but not sure if it is a love of a spouse or more like a love of a brother. He works supports me and the girls he doesn’t cheat but has the most awful attitude anymore I don’t know if I want to leave or try and work it out sometimes I feel like i wish he would not come home for work Please help I am so confused
I have been with my husband for 9 years and married the last two of those 9. I was slightly reluctant to get married to begin with because we had our issues but things had been getting better or so I thought. The past year has been almost unbearable. I want to leave very badly but he wants to stay together because financially it would be better. I have cheated on my husband and we rarely are close to one another. I don’t feel like we connect on any level. Before things got bad I asked to try counseling and really gave it 100% now I am not even trying. I really feel like I am stuck.
Nothing makes a man ready to listen to how dissatisfied you are like hearing how your friend Jessica’s husband takes care of the kids every Saturday for the whole afternoon while she trains for a triathlon.  Obviously he will commiserate with you over the injustice that Jessica, who despite her athleticism is not even that hot, has a better husband than you have.  He might even be so overcome with sympathy that he walks directly out of the house.  Don’t worry, I’m sure he is headed to buy you flowers to make up for his stupidity and selfishness.
i am also going through the same, the man I have been with for 7 years going to 8 just left me and we just had a baby. he treats me so bad to an extent that I just see it as normal. when he is happy I should be happy but when he is unhappy he also wants me to be happy, he swears at me today and the next day he tells me he loves me. I know they say you should fight for what you believe in and fight 4 your man but after he just decided to leave me without no reason , I have just decided to stop believing and just focus on my own happiness, you can love someone so bad but sometimes love is not enough when it makes you miserable, love is supposed to make you happy.
This was so good for me to read. My now ex-boyfriend and I had just over two wonderful years together, and we really did think we were going to spend our lives together. We had discussed marriage and kids; we had real intimacy, warm companionship, trust and that nice, easygoing sense of partnership with one another. Then he began to get “moody” as he hit certain bumps in life — which escalated into a depression that went well beyond our relationship. Like Katie’s boyfriend, he isolated himself and pushed me and his friends and loved ones away. He stopped doing things that made him happier; he sort of just atrophied in his life. He said being with people and making plans felt like “a chore,” and that aspiring to hopes and dreams felt “futile.” And like Katie’s boyfriend, he thought his feelings and outlook were beyond his control, no matter how much we talked or discussed. That’s when I realized I had to walk, because ultimately I believe that taking responsibility for your own fulfillment and happiness is key to a successful life (and relationship!)
The last thing that men define as the cause of their misery in a relationship is the impact of a career on a private life. Contemporary women beside the job, have many other responsibilities, which sometimes is too much for them. Men in the modern partnership also have new tasks and not always are able to perform all duties properly. This causes frustration, which is either unloaded at work or at home. But remember, you cannot put your emotions on others because of your problems.

But if we all get out of our own egos for a little bit and stop defending our worldviews, I ask you: if you had a choice between a partner who was anxious/moody/depressed and one who wasn’t, why would you choose anxious/moody/depressed? When I was feeling that way, believe me, I felt chagrined when women would pull away from me. But now that I’m on the other side, I can completely understand why they did.

Thank you for this blog post. I recently ended a relationship with someone who I love a great deal; but I finally realized that his depression was going to be a lifelong issue, and not one that he was willing to fully address. Of course, there is a lot of guilt that is going along with that decision, because I feel like I “abandoned” him when he needed me.
Thank you, Alex, for your prompt response! Yes, I can see in my husband a world of hunger...never quite getting what he wants to make him happy. Sadly, I haven't helped - he wants to spend a lot of money on a new recliner so he can read his books. I ask him if it will make him happy, and he says yes, and alas, of course, in due time, it does not, which really shouldn't surprise me.
Have you ever been spoken down to? How does it feel? Not good, right? If you think you are the smartest person since Einstein, and insult your boyfriend’s intelligence on a regular basis, even if it’s in a playful way, it really won’t make him happy. Often that is just our ego barking, needing to validate itself as being so great, but it actually makes us look arrogant and isolates us from people.
my husband and i have been married for nearly 5 years and for the past year things have been awful. he is unemployed and drinks all the time. he puts his friends and social life above what is best for us. since we have been together, he has blown all of our savings and now we are living on next to nothing. he doesn’t seem to care at all about our financial situation or how we can fix it…just wants to hang out with his friends and drink. we have two small children that i do 90% of everything for, while working, trying to take care of the house and the budget. every time i bring up our relationship and how we should work on things, he just says that we need a vacation and that we have no problems. i could talk to him until i’m blue in the face about our issues and he just brushes it off or says he doesn’t care how i feel. the thought of sex with him honestly disgusts me at this point. i am not attracted to him at all anymore. i don’t know what to do. a part of me still loves him very much but i have lost almost all respect for him. please help me figure out what to do. thank you.
If there is something that your husband did in the past that really upset you, yet you have said you have forgiven him for, just let it go. Whether it's the anniversary he forgot, or heaven forbid the woman he slept with while you two were dating. If you have said you have forgiven him, stop bringing it up. It may be an easy way to push his buttons in an unrelated argument, but know it is detrimental to any relationship to hold on to things that are meant to stay in the past.

A patient of mine has a mentally ill brother who's depressed and anxious, as well as manipulative and stubborn. He often refuses to take medication that's helped him in the past and as a result often ends up lying at home in his bed, unwashed and unkempt, for days at a time. When my friend discovers him in this state, she tries various things: taking him to the ER (which she's learned leads nowhere), contacting his therapist (which sometimes helps, sometimes not), and even walking away, both figuratively and literally. She struggles with how much she may be enabling his behavior and with how unhappy his unhappiness is making her. She vents to me on occasion, and I try to walk a fine line between encouraging her not to give up on him and supporting her decision to protect herself emotionally. Recently, he had a particularly bad episode and it got me wondering: how can we best manage the unhappiness of people we love?
My husband and I have been together for almost four years and I think he's pretty amazing. He works hard, he's thoughtful, and he's the absolute best at making me laugh when I'm feeling down. I'll admit, though, that I'm not always the best at reminding him of these things. I am, however, really good at reminding him of many other things — like how he forgot to take out the trash again, or that the way he loads the dishwasher isn't as efficient as the way I do it. I get it, and I'm trying my best to be less of a critic.
1. You want a partner who gets the joke. This is a non-negotiable. If you think you’re funny, you’d better be with someone who actually agrees with you. My former writing partner had a girlfriend who thought he was cute and smart, but didn’t find him funny at all. This drove him crazy, since he thought being funny was one of his most valued traits.
"People mistakenly believe that they shouldn't ask for what they want from their partner, when in actuality it is the best way to communicate and get what you want from your relationship. Your partner shouldn't expect you to meet all their needs—expecting someone to 'complete' you is a romantic idea but not a healthy one. But healthy couples do work together to make sure the most important needs are being met." —Clark
Who doesn’t enjoy a compliment from their partner every now and then. It reinforces why you’ve chosen each other and helps create a sense of security. Surely they can only mean good things, right? Well… according to Salkin, sometimes compliments can actually be warning signs that your partner isn’t happy, especially when they start to feel a little off . She explains that when your SO starts giving you compliments that are unnatural or just too much, “for example, he or she tells you how perfect you are and how he or she doesn't deserve you” that it may actually be a “a backhanded foreshadowing that something is up and that they're looking for you to break up with them.” Confusing, right?
I have a moody boyfriend, and it seems that just about anything negative that happens in his life can get him in a bad mood. He doesn’t get mean, or anything scary. He just backs away, and stays there, sometimes for days.  Sometimes I just ignore it, go about my business, and wait for him to re-emerge. But other times, it affects me negatively, like when we have plans and he now “doesn’t feel up to it”.
3. You’re overvaluing a specific type of humor. In your words, “I love the challenge and excitement that witty banter provides me.” Marriage isn’t about challenge and excitement. It’s about kindness, comfort and selflessness. If your boyfriend has these qualities, you may want to learn to appreciate him instead of constantly lamenting that he doesn’t do stand-up on the side. When you said your exes have “never been the “life of the party,” making me “double over in laughter,” I could probably intimate that it’s a good thing. Life of the party guys may be charismatic, but they are often narcissistic, players, liars and inauthentic. Not all of them. But guys who command attention often don’t leave much air for everyone else to breathe.

I’ve married to my husband for 1 1/2 years and together for 5. I’m 25 but feel 70. I have 3 young babies with him. He’s not a bad father but not such a good husband. All we do is argue, he mismanages all of our money. Sometimes we barely pay the bills. We started a small business together so we share the money but somehow he spends it all. We can never communicate. We never resolve any of our problems because we just argue until were tired. I’m never in the mood to be intimate but I force myself so I won’t have to hear his mouth. I’ve tried new things with him sexually but every time I try something new the next day it’s some other weird stuff. He wants to do a lot for someone who doesn’t make me feel “special”. He didn’t get me anything for my birthday. We barely go anywhere and when he does do something it just feels like he’s prepping me for sex later instead of doing it because he cares for me. I don’t feel any sparks just stress. I know neither one of us are truly happy. I try to just hold it in and hope things get better but he irritates me so bad with his need to debate all the time. I’ve tried multiple approaches to fix our problems but I only get 2 results, 1.he gets angry and we argue 2. He plays the victim. I don’t know what to do.
The only common thing throughout this whole thread is the fact that, somewhere along the way, someone has lost their love for their partner. Any loss painful and scary as we all fear the unknown. We all fear being unwanted, unloved and un-needed. We are all unsure of what step to take next. My only advice (for what its worth) to each of us, is dont do too much at once. Take tiny steps and only make small changes at time. Look after yourself, allow yourself to grieve the lost relationship (they say the negative feelings are better out than in) and then start looking for a way to take yourself forward through whatever it is you need to go through.
My husband and I have known each other for 20 years, and been married for the past 8. We have two adorable children who we both cherish. Since having the kids though, 5 years ago, our marriage has become unbearable. My husband has been through serious issues which led to depression, and has to his own belief, now dealt with the issues. During the time of his issues, he had two incidents, at least that I know about, with other women, and over the past 8 years with his behaviour, my trust has been stripped away and I am left with no trust in him whatsoever. He now continues to tell me he wants the marriage and he is in love with me, but I find it hard to believe when after 2 years of trying to work things out, we are still no further along than when we hit rock bottom 2 years ago. He continues to be thoughtless, and my anger and emotions hit sky high every time he stuffs up. I know I should be forgiving, but I find it harder and harder these days. I have told him I hate him and that I want him out. I cannot ever see a loving future between us, and I hate the kids seeing me this way. Also our intimacy has completely gone out the window. We have not been intimate in almost 3 years. It’s so depressing. Although I want the marriage ended, I can’t help thinking “Would I be so angry and upset and emotional, if I no longer cared?” Any advice on whether I should give him a go for the thousandth time, or just cut my losses and run?

I’m the type of person to over-analyze and question everything in life. I realize I cannot change my boyfriend’s sense of humor. I’m not getting any younger and hate the thought of breaking off an otherwise great relationship. The stress on me from constantly questioning a future decision to marry my boyfriend is not helpful toward furthering what could be an amazing relationship. How do I find a way to shake this nagging feeling that marrying him may be a wrong decision because of our humor gap? Or is this difference in our senses of humor a deal breaker? Thank you for a new perspective. –Kelly


If you think they're at a loss for words, you can always spur the conversation or turn it into some sort of game. The key is interest, not so much the content or the topic. Seriously, it can be something that seems really boring, but as research has pointed out, "couples build intimacy through hundreds of very ordinary, mundane moments in which they attempt to make emotional connections." You've got to build somehow, even if it is just by asking someone's favorite color.
After reading all this I just had to post my story in a short paragraph , I been with my boyfriend 4 years and half . We had a baby not so long ago he just turned one . And he’s telling me he’s not in love with me anymore that he just wants to be free and explore the world after we had plans of getting married we had almost everything planned out . We had our ups and down but that’s any relationship . And am here just thinking my baby is just 1 year old and I wanted him to grow in a family something that I never had , and I guess he won’t either . He tells me everyday he doesn’t want to try but it’s just so hard I always end up going back to him but he refuses me and it just hurts I feel I need to give me my place but I always end up going to him …..
Then, breathe deeply and ask yourself if there's a bit of good will to work with. If so, you may want to throw down the gauntlet and demand change. You never know. I remember one woman who threatened to leave; it led to over twenty years of sobriety for her husband. Most successful cases are less dramatic. Couples get into therapy, start to enjoy each other again and begin to let go of past hurts.
Nothing makes a man ready to listen to how dissatisfied you are like hearing how your friend Jessica’s husband takes care of the kids every Saturday for the whole afternoon while she trains for a triathlon.  Obviously he will commiserate with you over the injustice that Jessica, who despite her athleticism is not even that hot, has a better husband than you have.  He might even be so overcome with sympathy that he walks directly out of the house.  Don’t worry, I’m sure he is headed to buy you flowers to make up for his stupidity and selfishness.
I agree with Esther Perel on one thing: we do need to receive fulfillment from our daily lives, or else we end up unhappy. But the remedy isn't for us to go from person to person looking for the next high.  There’s no way another human being can bring us complete happiness; they're just as flawed as we are! God intends for us to find fulfillment in living a life of intimate communion with Him.
Hi, I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years and together for 7. We have 2 amazing children, life got in the way and we were not around for each other enough but still knew we loved each other. My wife went off sex after the birth of our first born. 6 months ago cheated while away on a hen do. States was nothing more than a kiss, but send messages and photos when came home for a period of weeks. She says she’s 50/50 and doesn’t know what she wants. 6 months later she still texts this man, stating it’s just a friendship now, and still won’t commit, says 50/50, and won’t be physically intimate (not even cuddling on sofa/in bed). Am I wasting my time? Can she come back to me or should I now walk?
Premarital Cycling. Dating, then breaking up, then getting back together before marriage predicts lower marital quality and stability. This is common in relationships, but it doesn’t mean it’s good for them. This kind of instability early on sets a precedent for how open partners can be with each other. i.e. “If I talk about this with him/her, he/she will get overwhelmed because last time I brought something like this up, he/she needed a break from me. I’ll just keep it to myself.” This is a dangerous pattern to fall into. It’s important to feel safe and secure in a marriage for it to stay healthy and have longevity.
As you've described her (and this isn't necessarily true for everyone who suffers from mental illness), your mom seems capable of appropriate behavior in the right circumstances and therefore is responsible for her behavior. My suggestion is that you and your family examine the attitudes you display about your expectations for her behavior. I suspect, based on your description, that you're all enabling bad behavior on her part. When you stand up and demand, via your actions, good behavior, if a person is capable of delivering it, they often do. You might find this link helpful: http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/10/18/how-to-communicate-with-your-life/
My husband has been unfaithful. I learned last year that he was. He says he love me and want our marriage but, he is still with his mistress & denies it. We have never had locked phones. And I have never seen his phone down in a year. It’s always on him. He lies & the cheated has affected his company because of the lack of work. I have no clue what to do. He never shows me any different. Other that I don’t make him feel special, but I do anything he asked. Now I am at the last rope. We have 3 young children & i am searching for work incase of the worse. Does anyone have any advice. Plus he says he depressed. And need me, but it’s the same thing over & over.

"I think it's very important for people to recognize that there are very few things that cannot be worked on in a relationship, and even repaired and resolved," Walfish says. (Think about how many couples can even work past cheating). But if a partner isn’t willing to work on improving your relationship, that’s a clear sign of trouble. After all, she says, "working on a relationship requires two willing participants. That means both partners have to be open to looking at their own stuff."
×