we have been together for 17 years and married for 14, yes after time we did not value you each other, and our marriage became a chore when i found out he was on a chat site. he told me then he was not happy but only after i found out he was on the chat site. but never before that, i have found messages and pics on his phone. i literally have to sneak his phone when he has passed out as he keeps that phone so close to him he never lets it out of his site even if he goes to the loo. he told me he wanted a divorce with a sms message> but still wants me only for sex……. i just give in because I love him.


When our children were young, there were days when I was simply exhausted. Our youngest daughter, Kayla, was plagued with ear infections that would inevitably flare up in the middle of the night. And after staying up through the night to comfort her, I could not go back to bed because our 2-year-old son would wake up and need my attention. Have you had similar experiences?
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We’ve been married 8 years. Suddenly his dreams switch 180 and I’m to blame when they don’t come true. From wanting to settle down and be a farmer now he suddenly wants to become an Evangelist, with us having 5 kids in tow. Now I am a very religious woman, but this 180 has sent me for a loop. All we’ve talked about is having our own place, and now he tells me that this has always been his dream and I’m holding him back. I can make it without him, but I feel like I owe it to the kids to keep going. There are times I don’t want to even look at him, and times I want to show him the door. I know marriage isn’t based on love, it’s a commitment between two people. But I’m tired of being blamed for everything going wrong in our lives, and I’m tired of our kids seeing how he treats me. Do I think our marriage is over? Yeah, it’s been over quite a while. Am I gonna hang for the kids? Yeah, gonna do that too. See, what some of you don’t get is that after you have kids, it’s not about you anymore. They didn’t ask to be created, to be born, but here they are. It’s not about how you feel or he feels or she feels, it’s about how can you get along together for the kids sake. Maybe separate bedrooms or even something more than that, but the kids come first in a marriage. Your life is not your own anymore. Grow up, grow a set, get over it and get on with life. The kids are the most important thing, not anything else.
Even if your boyfriend sometimes talks badly about his mother, it doesn’t give you the right to say anything bad about her. If you don’t want to insult him, you’ll make sure you don’t cross the line with this. Instinctive feelings come up when anyone insults our mothers, and it’s not worth ruining a relationship just by saying a few cheap lines about her. Keep those feelings to yourself and you’ll keep him happy.
Why is it that in the beginning, we don’t get bothered that much about things that later in marriage drive as crazy? If you think it’s because back then you were unrealistically in love, then remember, how many times did you hear people who lost someone saying how they would give anything to be around things that once were so annoying to them. What is that telling you?

I’ve been married 10 years. We have a beautiful daughter a handsome little boy. I feel really disconnected from my husband, and our love life is almost non-existent. I don’t know what to do. I love my husband and I want to make it work for the both of us and our kids, but I don’t feel like I’m getting what I need from him in order to feel loved and secure in this relationship. I think he may be seeing someone else, but I don’t know for certain. I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know what to do!


When two people have been together for a long time and have developed a routine and have accumulated a large plate of responsibilities, it’s not uncommon for one or both of the partners to start feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes there’s just a lot of pressure and a person involuntarily takes it out on their spouse. This can lead to a person feeling unappreciated and/or resentful…
So ladies my point is this: Sometimes when your man seems distant or unusually emotionally unavailable, it’s NOT necessarily because he cheated on you, he’s falling out of love with you or because he’s upset with you. Sometimes, it’s because he’s just going through some bullsh*t that has him unhappy with HIMSELF. So before you just begin attacking him for not giving you the attention and love you want, you might want to check to see if there’s any serious issues HE’S dealing with right now. The truth is, a man can’t fully LOVE you, if he doesn’t completely LOVE himself.
I think your question, Katie, is good snapshot of most questions I get on this blog: some form of “I’m dissatisfied with my boyfriend. Should I stay or should I go?” The thing is that he may have the biggest heart in the world, but if he’s perpetually unemployed, a serial cheater, a drug addict, a commitmentphobe, or a terrible communicator, it really doesn’t matter how much you love him. I would say the same thing about a guy who is depressed. It’s not that he’s not worthy of love, but at a certain point, you have to ask if this is the life you want to lead: waiting for days for him to emerge from his self-imposed cocoon while you try to act like everything’s normal. I think there are enough quality people out there who are NOT this way that you don’t have to accept that from a relationship. I’ve written this before and gotten a little bit of blowback on it.
When your husband comes home from a day at work, do you give him a warm welcome, or do you greet him with a list of things that he didn’t do or that he didn’t do right? You both have every right to feel overwhelmed and tired from life’s stressors, but remember: You’re in a partnership and you should both be lifting each other up. By doing the opposite, you suck the energy out of the relationship and out of the bond between you.
This is just a good standard practice in a relationship, and it’s great for nudging a loved one out of a slump. It involves really seeing them, the contributions they make, and highlighting them. If your partner works long hours and then takes on a lot of the work at home in the evenings so that you can pursue your passions, acknowledge them for that. If they’re giving of their time and patience with your family, let them know you notice that.
And in case of using drugs, make him engaged in other things like family get together, outing with kids etc. Don't always think of his bad habit. When he is not using any drugs act like everything is going ok. And force him to go out with you and your kids. Make use of kids. If they force, and you support he will definitely spend time with you and slowly slowly he could get out of drugs. Relax and pray to God he will stay with you.

Unless your husband has given your real reason to not trust him, always give him the benefit of the doubt. Most likely you have been cheated on or hurt in a past relationship, but don't let that baggage follow you into your marriage. Don't snoop in his phone, check his email, or spy on him when he's out with his friends. Let him know that you trust him and he will do all that he can to ensure he does not break your trust.


What’s happened as a result has been brilliant. I started tuning much more actively into my husband — prioritizing him, touching him regularly (holding his hand, sitting very close to him, hugging him, rubbing his shoulders, etc), more actively praising and appreciating him, and — crucially — not letting my ego get the best of me and not letting my need to be right lead to Armageddon. As a result, I have managed to bring out the best in my husband.

i have been married for 3 years and we just recently seperated and i know its my fault. i couldnt let go of the fact that she lied to me about sleeping with someone even when i asked her before we got married if she need to tell me anything. when she told me last october what had happened i felt as if our marriage was false and i always threw it in her face. Now reality has set in and i would rather change my ways and get her back then to be mad at her for the past and be lonely but i dont know how she feels. Because from october untill she left we fought everyday and i know its my fault what should i do?
well fast forward to now, we separated in 2010, i moved to SC in 2011, i came home because i love no one like i love him, he keeps swearing that we are gonna work on this but every week the kids are (again) subjected to witness an unhealthy exchange between their parents, he calls me out of my name when he talks about me cheating, we have had some fights-i have had to be rushed to the hospital because i have fainted from arguing or being constantly badgered about my past sex life (i have congestive heart failure & type 2 diabetes)! he is an alcoholic & 6 1/2yrs younger than i am. now we are supposed to be moving in another apartment starting fresh & he tells me that his soul doesn’t agree with me-thats new! he has always said that he doesn’t trust me-even before i cheated! so last night he says he can never be proud of me or our marriage! smh-i don’t know what to do! i just know life can’t possibly be this miserable-i was happier when we were separated!
He always calls me slob and lazy. Its kind of true as I never developed proper cleaning habits but it hurts and I have made sure the place stays clean. Whst really boils my blood is that when I met him he had an illness, wasnt working, but was fully ambulatory. We lived together and he would never lift a finger to do anything! I would come home to squalor and he would ask me what was for dinner. My mother would come over and ask me wht was the place a mess when all my husband did was sit at home and play videogames. It was so embarrassing.
So I just recently found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend is freaking out over the situation, he keeps saying it's not a good time (It's never a good time to have a baby) and he doesn't want me to keep it. I've tried talking to him, but it usually turns into an argument. I haven't told my family I'm pregnant yet so I dont really have anyone else to vent to about this.
Hi Henry, thanks for your thoughts. You asked: ” Where is the part about “happy husband” in this saying?” First, “happy wife, happy life” is an invention created to confuse you. It’s not true and it’s a unhealthy perspective for both parties. Therefore, there is no “happy husband” equivalent except for “Happy man, happy husband.” Relationships tends to self-destruct when one or the other partner puts the responsibility for their happiness on the other. It’s an impossible task, but we try anyway. “If you REALLY loved me you would find a way to make me happy”. Happiness is not given… Read more »
@HappyInMarriage I, too am young in my marriage (3 yrs) and have lots of “broken families” in my family tree. But unlike you and many other people who think marriage should always be “saved”, I think the most important thing is the QUALITY of the relationship. My parents have a better quality relationship when they are apart, and I was relieved when they divorced. Not only that, I have many extra siblings from new marriages they formed who mean the world to me and have a much larger family because of all the “broken” marriages. People change, make mistakes, etc and who are you or anyone else to tell people that you know what is best for them and their family? Sometimes staying together is not the best option for the health of the relationship. Sometimes a “broken” marriage can lead to greater joy in the family and new relationships and a bigger family.
          No matter how much my husband affirms me and does loving things, I will feel empty if I’m not connected to my Creator. My relationship with God is where I get my sense of self. It’s in His presence that I recognize who I am. When my heart connects with His, I find unconditional love and fulfillment. I recognize that my life here isn’t by chance, but that everything I am and do matters to my Father.
Which brings me to this final bit of hopeful advice. Just because you notice these signs, does not mean your relationship is doomed. "It just means that there is something going on that is either a) not tied to the relationship, but the stress is spilling over into it or b) something is wrong within the relationship that needs addressing in order to be fixed," Rogers says. If you two can have that heart-to-heart, it is possible to reignite that happiness, and stay together.
Thank you for sharing this. Right now, my soon to be ex husband of 12 years, is with his girlfriend and my children (as well as her children). I keep beating myself up and wondering why he is happier with her than he was with me. But in the end, I know I loved him well and couldn’t have done anything differently. I am not solely responsible for his happiness. Now he’s going out into the world to find it. But the world will come up empty in the end. Only God can fill the void he’s looking to fill. Please pray for me.
Relationships are delicate, complex, and always changing. Some marriages last 70 years, some last 72 days (looking at you, Kim)—and while neither of those options is necessarily right or wrong, most people enter a relationship hoping it will last a long time, if not a lifetime. There is no one-size-fits-all secret to a lasting, happy, and faithful relationship, but there are some general guidelines.
My patient found herself thinking about detaching from her brother frequently, and in fact would do so for long stretches of time. But then she'd learn he'd locked himself in his house for days and couldn't stop herself from being drawn back into his life. After this last episode, however, she found herself more focused on maintaining a safe emotional distance. She still cared, she confided to me, but had come to a new understanding about her limitations. She knew some part of her brother still wanted to be happy, but it seemed covered up by a part that reveled in misery. She would keep tabs on him, she decided, and intervene when he seemed in real danger, but she refused to continue suffering on account of his suffering. Which for her meant allowing him to suffer alone.
As I’m sure you’ve heard before, relationships experience ups and downs and this is completely normal once you’ve been with a person for a long time. Realizing my husband is unhappy is never a good feeling but it can serve as a doorway to a happier and stronger marriage. Think about it, the moment you realize what’s making him unhappy, you learn about an element that you can bring into your marriage, or repair, that will make your bond stronger and in turn make both of you feel more fulfilled.

Hi, I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years and together for 7. We have 2 amazing children, life got in the way and we were not around for each other enough but still knew we loved each other. My wife went off sex after the birth of our first born. 6 months ago cheated while away on a hen do. States was nothing more than a kiss, but send messages and photos when came home for a period of weeks. She says she’s 50/50 and doesn’t know what she wants. 6 months later she still texts this man, stating it’s just a friendship now, and still won’t commit, says 50/50, and won’t be physically intimate (not even cuddling on sofa/in bed). Am I wasting my time? Can she come back to me or should I now walk?


IVE BEEN MARRIED FOR SIX YEARS NOW AND ALL THROUGH THIS TIME MY HUSBAND HAS A MARRIED FEMALE FRIEND WITH WHOM HE KEEPS RUNNING TO HE TELLS HER EVERY THING THAT IS GOING OFF IN OUT MARRAIGE HE HAS TOOK HER SIDE ALL THE TIME WHEN WE ARGUE AND SAY THAT IF HE HAS TO MAKE A CHOICE HE WILL CHOOSE HER EVERY TIME ,I SPEND ALL MY TIME SAT IN SPARE ROOM WIL MY COMPUTER WHEN HE IN THE HOME AS HE SCARES ME ,HE HAS HIT ME AND MADE ME BLACK AND BLUE IM NOW SIXTY AND FEEL THAT I CAN NOT FIGHT FOR HIS AFFECTIONS ANY MORE I WANT IT TO ALL END BUT HE CAN OR WONT ACKNOWLEGE THIS IT IS MY HOUSE AND IM MADE TO FEEL LIKE A LODGER IN IT EACH TIME I TELL HIM ITS OVER HE GIVES ME THE LITTLE BOY LOST THEN I START FEELING GUILTY PLUS HIS FAMILY START BECOMING ABUSIVE WITH ME HIS MOTHER INCLUDE HOW DO I GET OUT OFF THIS ONE AS THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THREE PEOPLE IN THIS MARRIAGE
"Spouses usually have a threshold for how much time they can tolerate away from their partner so when a husband starts spending more and more time and energy on work, they're devoting less time and energy to their marriage," she said. "Several of the unhappy husbands I've worked with spent increasing amounts of time on their career, networking or generally pursuing interests outside of their marriage and away from their family life."

This is to “Am I Being Unrealistic?” I think you have been very strong. I don’t think you have to stay in this relationship and I don’t know how healthy it is for the children. As far as God is concerned, I know he doesn’t want us to be in a relationship where one is not being faithful. If it was me, I’d want out unless my spouse was willing to seek counseling. But that is me, I look at everything the way I think God would see it. I hope you can find peace. It sounds like your lifestyle is quite nice yet costing you a lot in more than one way. I wish you the best.
Also, pay attention in the bedroom: Less sex or less interest in sex is another way to tell that something is up. Indeed, agrees Rogers: "A drop in physical touch is also a sign that the relationship could be on the rocks." Whether it's in the bedroom or out, if things are not so hot between the two of you, your mate might be feeling dispirited about the whole thing.
we have been together for 17 years and married for 14, yes after time we did not value you each other, and our marriage became a chore when i found out he was on a chat site. he told me then he was not happy but only after i found out he was on the chat site. but never before that, i have found messages and pics on his phone. i literally have to sneak his phone when he has passed out as he keeps that phone so close to him he never lets it out of his site even if he goes to the loo. he told me he wanted a divorce with a sms message> but still wants me only for sex……. i just give in because I love him.
Also I have my children and don’t know how to explain to them about our marriage. But I am just not happy. I see other attractive men and am attracted to them. But have not cheated on my husband and I know he will never cheat on me. I just don’t know I also don’t feel amused by him I feel like a women should be proud of her partner and that’s just not my case. I take care of all the bills and problems of the house and feel like I have so much in my plate. We never go any where because there’s just no money ever. No vacation no nothing I think that has also taken a toll on me. I feel like am ready for something different. I cry every time after we have inter course just because I don’t feel anything I pretty much have to fake. And it hurts because this is not a life I want I feel and know that I have so much more ahead of me. But his low self esteem is what holds me back. Because he does love me but the feeling is not mutual.

I found this out from him when all of a sudden he was changing his moods very quickly and told me that he wanted to go back overseas permanently so i asked him what’s wrong and then he told me that during the time that he went back overseas something happened him and the bitch and chick from the social media, that’s when i decided to separate from him and ask him to go back overseas as i can’t no longer bear him cheating to me.
First of all, I would like to say he isn’t this way very often but when he is, it’s a little scary. Un-nerving. He becomes volatile very quickly. And you never know if he’s going to be that way when you open the door or his normal self. It’s exhausting. I can’t relax, I feel like I have to be on constant guard. He complains that we don’t have sex enough, that I don’t initiate it enough, that when he gets that way, all I have to do is take him to the bedroom. I thought at first that he was kidding. I think he is angry at me but he strikes out (harsh words) at the kids to me because he knows it gets to me.
I love this.  It’s hitting home for me now and like to hear how important it is to communicate concerns as a way to be there for your significant other.  My boyfriend didn’t leave me, but was unhappy with my unhappiness.  Had I known his feelings earlier,  I would have changed.  All the while I was unhappy,  I didn’t realize it.  Now my boyfriend seems to be in the position I was a few months ago.  While I entertain the thought of leaving him, I’m now reminded by your response that I need to voice my concerns first!
If they can't sit through a conversation about their intentions and goals, it might mean that they're not willing to commit to you or they don't envision the same kind of future that you do. This is totally fine, but you shouldn't be planning a future around someone who doesn't want a similar one, especially because, according to science, the clock is ticking.
Hi, Laurie. My name is Matt and I am looking for support and guidance. I recently confessed to my wife that I had been cheating for nearly a year. This affair took place while I was away from home on business. The affair was not just physically, we became emotionally involved. I am not attempting to justify my actions. They are beyond justification. However, when I left we had been at the apex of nearly three years of very hard times when she had stopped responding to me. Now, we are both seeking help. We are working very hard to get back to one another and in some ways our relationship is at its most healthy. I am, however, struggling. There are days where I miss the other woman and I have repeatedly cut contact with her only to get in touch with her again. My decision about how to conduct myself in this situation has been made but my resolve is not where it needs to be. Is there any insight you would be willing to give that would help me get to a place where I no longer feel the desire or temptation to speak to this woman?
Being the friend or partner of someone who has huge mental or emotional issues takes it’s toll on you.  Only a martyr or a doormat will stay for the abuse though, and I am neither.  It was very sad, I wish him the best, and I hope he does find someone who will put up with his erratic rollercoaster behavior.  I also hope she sees it WAY faster than I did, so she can make her decision before she falls in love with him.  And I hope she is the type who feels good about dedicating her life to someone else, because she will never count. The disorder will always come first.

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This one works best if you can think of no way that your own upbringing contributes to the current marital difficulties.  Men love to be the sole screwup in the relationship.  It really lights a fire under them to change.  If you want to be even more effective, compare him directly to whichever of his parents you find the most dysfunctional.  Even better if you know this is the parent with whom he has the most difficult relationship currently.  By tomorrow you should have a dozen roses and a poem.
I have a similar situation with my boyfriend he is very moody and it’s affected my child the most. He are constantly fighting every weekend over something so small and he would Storm off and go home for a couple of days or if my child wakes him up in the morning he goes mad and curses at me infront of my child and then again he would Storm home. I know he hates he’s job and it isn’t stable and that really bothers him and puts him in bad form. But when he is is the wrong he turns the row on me and changes the subject that in texting other lads and he would shout down at me and look trough all my messages !! He’s mood swings are pushes me away that I don’t feel the same anymore.
Unfortunately, too many women I know get married and somehow, perhaps unconsciously, expect their husbands to make them happy. When things get hard — and they always do — rather than looking inward at where they may be at fault, too many women point the finger toward their partners. They blame him (or her) for the problems in their relationship. “If he would just pay more attention to me our marriage would be great!” or “If she would just help more around the house, things would be so much better.”
I am the sole provider until my wife starts working and make decent money. I asked her to help paying for kid’s college fund, and her car maintenance and gas and (kind of expected) she got very upset and didn’t talk to me. I told her this is for the children and we should share the money in joint account as an option but she quickly ignored it. Her plan is use her money from work to build a new house in her oversea home town in which I don’t agree as it is more important to prepare for kid’s college fund first, and possibly help pay credit card debts that we incurred.
Women know perfectly well, or at least they should know that men do not like the understatement, any kind of allusion, and they can never guess. They do not read in the minds of women, and it is often difficult for them to figure out what their spouse meant. So do not expect him to guess what you want or what you expect from him. Just tell him straight and openly. You will avoid many unnecessary problems.
You can do whatever you want. You really want to try that new restaurant, but your man said no. You’re crushed. If you were single, you could go whenever you wanted. You can seriously do whatever you want. Haven’t you ever noticed how happy some single women are? They don’t base their happiness on a man. They do what makes them happy and if a man is a part of their life great. If not, great.
Now, it must be said: If you really make it your job to make your partner happy and he (or she) exploits your efforts or never truly reciprocates — never meeting your love with love — you may be in a deal breaker scenario. Despite your best efforts, you may be with someone who is unable or unwilling to love you back and you will probably need to terminate the relationship.
What’s the difference between infidelity as a sign your marriage is over versus infidelity as a turning point towards a healthier, stronger relationship? You and your husband’s intentions for your future. Cheating in and of itself won’t necessarily end your marriage…it’s how you and your husband clean up after the infidelity that determines if you’ll stay together.
 Know That He Might Be Unhappy In Another Area Of His Life:  The men in this situation don’t come right out and say this of course.  (Sometimes, they don’t even realize it themselves.) But it’s often very easy to read between the lines.  It’s not uncommon for this whole “I’m not happy” business to come at a time when he’s otherwise struggling.  Perhaps he has lost his job.  Maybe he is going through a serious lifestyle change.  Or perhaps something is happening with his extended family.  Whatever the reason, it’s very common for a man to take a problem that has nothing whatsoever to do with his marriage and then to project that problem onto the person who is most convenient or who is the closest to him.  And that person is often his wife.
Although your wife professed that she desired to be a homemaker, it’s pretty obvious that she doesn’t have the proper training and skills. If I were you, I’d suggest her gaining employment. That way your children would be properly cared for (Childcare facility) and she’d be in an environment where she’d have structure and accountability. I’d be terrible for her upbringing and behavior to be passed on to your children. Also another wonderful possibility could be parenting classes. You mentioned her frequency with using her phone, there are excellent videos on YouTube uploaded by other homemakers with tutorials such as cleaning, cooking and caring for children.
Yep when I found out at 5 weeks I told my OH (other half) and he was not happy! I was on contraceptive pill but I know I missed a few on holiday etc and I had warned him. But still wasn't expecting to get pregnant (denial!). He blamed me and told me I had to get rid of it, I was devastated at how harsh he was as its totally out of character for him. Ignored me for a few days and then slowly started to accept that I was keeping it with or without him. He now regrets his behaviour so much , I'm nearly 16 weeks. He's totally inlove with the baby and treats me like an absolute princess. He is beyond excited and has even been dropping hints about an engagement at Christmas and has asked me to move in. Some people just take time xx

It takes patience to develop a strong relationship, and if you pressure your boyfriend to move in together or get engaged, chances are he will feel like you’re forcing him. It’s best to let things happen naturally and realize that if you get along, that’s all that matters and if you don’t get along, moving in together isn’t going to solve that problem.
When your husband comes home from a day at work, do you give him a warm welcome, or do you greet him with a list of things that he didn’t do or that he didn’t do right? You both have every right to feel overwhelmed and tired from life’s stressors, but remember: You’re in a partnership and you should both be lifting each other up. By doing the opposite, you suck the energy out of the relationship and out of the bond between you.
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