Wow, a lot going on here. My sense is that your husband may be depressed (or at least dysthymic) and that a lot of his negative thinking flows from that. Or, if not depressed, significantly unhappy, as he says himself. There may be one thing, or just a few things, that have landed him there that he either hasn't acknowledged to you, or hasn't even acknowledged to himself. Resetting expectations is a powerful technique to enhance resilience and reduce suffering (I discuss it at length in my book, The Undefeated Mind), and can be done without it meaning that "the world has won." That he's had 6 jobs in the last 13 years and that you sense he's always been "searching for something and simply not finding it" suggests he may be trapped in what Buddhism calls the world of Hunger. At the heart of this state of life lies a belief that if only we could fulfill our desires (whatever they happen to be) we will find long-lasting happiness. But of course, no desire provides that, so such people find themselves trapped feeling continual dissatisfaction with life in general. If he hasn't tried therapy, I'd strongly suggest it. He may have reconciled himself to life of minimal enjoyment, but you clearly haven't. If he won't do it for himself, perhaps he will for you and your daughter. Good luck.
Speaking of friendship, a person told me once how they regret the lack of lighthearted conversation between him and his wife. They’ve been together for a while and he felt like all they ever talked about was the kids’ schools and various appointments and the “To Do List.” He said that they needed to make time for nurturing their romantic relationship because it felt like it was becoming nonexistent.
How offensive that this has become a gender war for the men commenting. You guys are feeling sorry for yourselves? One guy because he cheated and can’t stand to think she would even kiss a guy and the other guy jealous cause she won’t OBEY your dresscode? Get real! Peter, maybe she wants to get back at you and maybe she is just trying to find out if she is still sexy. A woman who is cheated on starts to feel insecure, maybe that is why she with holds sex in the first place. Or maybe you’re not doing it the way she wants. If you want her to stay, you will have to forgive her just as she forgave you. Let her know sex should be just as pleasant for her as it is for you, then she might respond to you better.
My husband and i got Married last year and we have been living happily for a while. We used to be free with everything and never kept any secret from each other until recently everything changed when he got a new Job in NewYork 2 months ago.He has been avoiding my calls and told me he is working,i got suspicious when i saw a comment of a woman on his Facebook Picture and the way he replied her. I asked my husband about it and he told me that she is co-worker in his organization,We had a big argument and he has not been picking my calls,this went on for long until one day i decided to notify my friend about this and that was how she introduced me to Mr James(Worldcyberhackers@ gmail. com) a Private Investigator  who helped her when she was having issues with her Husband. I never believed he could do it but until i gave him my husbands Mobile phone number. He proved to me by hacking into my husbands phone. where i found so many evidence and  proof in his Text messages, Emails and pictures that my husband has an affairs with another woman.i have sent all the evidence to our lawyer.I just want to thank Mr James for helping me because i have all the evidence against my Husband  in court.
Before I go any further, allow me to acknowledge a few things: unhappy and moody are not exactly the same. “Moody” sounds temporary, where “unhappy” is chronic. Then again, if your boyfriend consistently finds himself in a bad mood, I’m not sure how different it is from being unhappy. If it sounds like I’m familiar with the condition, it’s because, from 20-30 years old, I was always somewhere between unhappy/moody/anxious. I dated a LOT in that time and while there were many stretches where I could get by on charm, I could never mask my perpetual dissatisfaction with my career. Women would take a chance on me, but either I was a total downer or I was so unhappy that I’d choose an unsuitable woman just because she was there. Both are recipes for failed relationships.
Me and my husband have been together for 8years and we’ve been through alot. He is very jealous and he thinks if I go out, im going to be cheating. I never go out but he goes out every weekend. He always calls me names and talks about the way I look..He doesnt help me financialy with my daughters and he doesnt even take care of his daughters. Its been like this since I had my kids. what should I do.. because i seriously dont have any feelings for him anymore.
@HappyInMarriage I, too am young in my marriage (3 yrs) and have lots of “broken families” in my family tree. But unlike you and many other people who think marriage should always be “saved”, I think the most important thing is the QUALITY of the relationship. My parents have a better quality relationship when they are apart, and I was relieved when they divorced. Not only that, I have many extra siblings from new marriages they formed who mean the world to me and have a much larger family because of all the “broken” marriages. People change, make mistakes, etc and who are you or anyone else to tell people that you know what is best for them and their family? Sometimes staying together is not the best option for the health of the relationship. Sometimes a “broken” marriage can lead to greater joy in the family and new relationships and a bigger family.
In fact, when you cry, the only thing a man wants to do is run away and not see it. But if he loves you, he will pull himself together and do everything he can to try to comfort you even if the reason you’re crying seems trivial to him. He will calm down only when you start smiling again. However, if he doesn’t love you, then your tears will be just one more reason to get angry at you.
My situation is not exactly same as yours. But my boyfriend tends to be moody or changes mood within the day. In one instance, we’re chatting in Facebook, i was telling we got free food at work at that day and he’ll just send me a thumbs up emoticon. Normally when I tell him something about FOOD it he would say ” delicious”. We’ve had our relationship for 3 months now. That is not the only the instance of his mood swings. He would suddenly be cold to me. I would ask him ” is there a problem?” he would answer NO. Sometimes it made me think whats wrong? Did i say something stupid? Suddenly out of nowhere he would tell me I Love You. He admits that he is moody. He has bad temper at times but not to the point of hurting me. He would normally raise his voice when he doesn’t want things go the right way. I mean I can feel he really loves me but sometimes it pisses me off when he is like that. What I’m doing is just letting his bad mood passed. I’m just ignoring it. I just let his mood normalize.
My prayer is that you find strength, courage, and peace. May you find a good place to live, and may you connect with friends and family who are supportive and compassionate. I pray for everything to go smoothly as you and your boyfriend make decisions, and for a new home and other practical parts of moving to fall into place quickly and easily. I pray for healing for you and him, and for wisdom as you parent your child after this breakup. May you find faith, hope, and even joy in your future! I pray for all good things for you, for your child, for your life and future relationships.
So, you need to figure out if you’re just going through the normal ups and downs of marriage…or if you’re truly not in love with him. How do you do that? You could try individual counseling, couples therapy, or even Mort Fertel’s “alternative to therapy” (a friend of mine LOVES how Fertel coaches marriages — his ad is at the end of my article above).
My wife and I have been together for 3 years. We rushed into things (met and married within a year). We have a 2 year old and a child on the way. I’m concerned that we’re growing apart. Some background on her: She doesn’t have much of an education, comes from an impoverished and (extremely abusive) family, lacks a lot of motivation for even daily chores (picking up after oneself for instance), and relegates her time to being on the phone at the expense of properly caring for our child. When I met her, she worked hard to try and support her family (basically they light money on fire and can’t afford food b/c of mismanagement). After marriage, she’ll lay about the house making sure our “child is still alive” (she’ll plop the kid in front of the TV for MUCH longer than we agreed was healthy and nap much longer also to what we agreed upon. She’ll then lie about it). The home is largely neglected: cockroaches, flies, and mice don’t bother her (neither does mold, bacteria, or giant mounds of dirty laundry and stuff cluttering the floor. And this is with me picking up after myself –and our child when I have time–). Before people jump on my back, when we met she expressed her undying wish to be a stay-at-home mom more than anything in the world. I work two jobs to make that happen. I manage our funds, health, food, utilities and keep her up to date with it all as I’m teaching her how I’m managing money and such. She shows a lack of motivation to fully involve herself with our child, has a terrible habit of lying, no motivation to manage the house, and doesn’t really manage her own hygiene. Further, I feel like she just doesn’t care that much about it. This is compounded by stubbornness that eventually costs big bucks when she neglects her health and then she needs surgery or something costing us thousands rather than pennies if she kept up with herself.

Do you remember the time at the beginning of a relationship when you were talking all night and still it was too little for you? He also misses it. Of course, when children appear in your world, they become an important part of the life and conversation, and yet fathers love their offspring. Just do not let this to be the only thing that will bother you. Do not forget that the relationship has to motivate and turn to action. And regardless of your duties, you should talk about what you like, what you plan and what you enjoy.
If you think they're at a loss for words, you can always spur the conversation or turn it into some sort of game. The key is interest, not so much the content or the topic. Seriously, it can be something that seems really boring, but as research has pointed out, "couples build intimacy through hundreds of very ordinary, mundane moments in which they attempt to make emotional connections." You've got to build somehow, even if it is just by asking someone's favorite color.

I read through your article and it stands out for me amoungst the others I’ve read. My husband is a good man, doesn’t cheat, and he still loves me, but I don’t love him. We have been married for almost 2 years and together for 4. We got married when I was 18 and he was 23, so we are 20 and 25 now. I think we just got married way too young and I see that now. I felt love for him after we first started dating, but I think I was in love with the idea of him and marriage and I wasn’t actually ever in love with him. I find myself constantly asking myself “Why did I get married?” and I also find myself entertaining the idea of an affair. We have stopped being intimate. When we were intimate, I rarely felt anything. He is such a good man, and I do still care for him very much, but its not in the way a wife should care for he husband. I have no idea what to do. I try to explain to him that I am unhappy in our relationship and I no longer want the same things that I used to and it goes in one ear and out the other. He loves me very much, this I know, so I’m afraid of hurting him to the point where he will never find happiness again. Yes, I know, I’m very young, but this is one of the many things that has gone into the ruin of my marriage. Please help me. Thank you.

Just think about how it would look if the tables were turned. If you man lies to his best friend and says that he can’t hang out because he is slammed with work, but really wants to do something with you, that is an unnecessary lie, right? It makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t it? If you want to keep your boyfriend happy, speak truthfully with everyone, not just him.

I have to agree with John — he brings up a good point. How did it take OP over a year to figure out that her boyfriend isn’t as funny as she’d like him to be? Why was unfunny okay for a year and is suddenly a deal-breaker now? Either way, like a few people said above, when in doubt, don’t. If, for whatever reason, OP is having doubts about her future with the guy, then maybe they don’t have a future. It’s just that, “he’s not funny” sounds like an excuse in this particular case.
This seems like an obvious statement, but the ways we can break trust are less than obvious. If you are in the habit of telling white lies just because it’s easy, he will notice. You will also break his trust if you often lie to other people. If he sees you lying to family members and close friends about things, he will have every reason to think you’d lie to him.
I knew going in that he was jealous – but was sure that it would be something I could live with – he wasn’t over the top, but then that’s exactly what it became. I’ve been accused of flirting, hitting on little 19 year old boys (I’m 38) and having affairs with men I work with, trying to seduce our pastor, etc – I have tried to reassure him, confessed my love for him, and reconfirmed that I was committed to this relationship…but it has spiralled. it’s become abusive – not in the physical sense – but emotional and mental. I have called him names and thrown things, and so has he. We are in counseling and have learned about ‘time-outs’ and the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and I have sincerely been trying to show him and our relationship respect (although I have gotten frustrated and hurt, and called him an a$$$hole through tears, and hung up). He can be very mean to me, and it hurts. I have tried and tried, prayed and prayed – been rebuked, sneered at and ridiculed for turning to supportive friends for guidance. I even see my own counselor, but he doesn’t like that.

That sounds way easier than it was. It was hard. It was agonizing to walk away from a relationship that brought so much happiness, peace and contentment in my life. It’s hard to give up those dreams I had with my ex: the children I was going to have, the life we were going to lead. I come from a family with a depressed parent, and it was HARD for me to break my pattern of “caretaking” and co-dependency and taking on all the responsibility. I feel sad to lose someone I love, angry at him and myself, guilty for “abandoning” my boyfriend. And yet I’ve seen up close from my own parents what Julia is 1.1 says:  if they can’t take responsibility and take care of themselves, there’s little hope of having a functional relationship until they do. And I’ve done so much work to get to a happy, contented point in my life that I can’t give that up now, just to hold onto a relationship that isn’t meeting my needs.


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I’ve tried three approaches. 1) Loving, supportive husband offering ‘it’s okay, try again’ attitude for quite a while. Result: She is happy, I’m not b/c things don’t get done. 2) Ignore how bad it is. Result: She is fine, I’m not. Things don’t get done. 3) I communicate how she is not measuring up to her responsibilities. Result: She either gets extremely defensive, mad, or says ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Eventually we do and SOMETIMES she accepts and things get better. And when I say better, I mean I set SMALL goals for her in hopes she’ll master them to help her to new ones. She’ll do those small goals for a week or two, month max. Example is when you sweep you have to put the stuff you sweep into the trash and not just leave it in a pile for months. But inevitably, she returns to her base behavior. She suggested therapy to help her move away from her abused past so we agreed to pay out for a year of it. Now she’s not in it and has basically dismissed the goals/rules the counselor told her to keep. When we talk about any issues in our marriage she gets extremely mad and defensive. I’m not a perfect man and am open to criticism and self-improvement, but I provide for my family the best I can, keep them safe, and am trying to help. Frankly, I don’t feel like she’s pulling her own weight. If she knows she’s in trouble or did nothing that day, she’ll try to hide that fact by various means. Lies, kisses, sex, playing ignorance, etc… Sometimes I feel like our ‘marriage’ was a means to an end b/c I am nice and she knew I could provide for her so she made up a personality to escape the hell hole she came from (and it was a hell hole) but now reverted to a past self. What do I do? I thought a husband and wife were supposed to ‘work’ together and put the needs of the other above themselves. Any guidance would be appreciated.
Maybe you did not understand… My wife is talking to 3 of my ex’s girlfriends and one is when I was in my 20’s… I am 42 now and my wife 39… Why is she talking to them it is immature… I am a liar now and I hear this because of the ex’s and it’s sad for me… I left my wife Dec 2016 and it did hurt a lot cause I did truly love her… I could not deal with the talking about my ex’s each night etc… I was feeling so bad that I had to think about my health first… I am never right she is and nothing I do is ever right… So I had to leave that situation… Why are people this way and it seem like they can’t see it…
It takes patience to develop a strong relationship, and if you pressure your boyfriend to move in together or get engaged, chances are he will feel like you’re forcing him. It’s best to let things happen naturally and realize that if you get along, that’s all that matters and if you don’t get along, moving in together isn’t going to solve that problem.

My husband and i have been married for just over a year. I recently told him that i feel emotionally empty and more like we are good friends than husband and wife. He said he feels the same way. He got very angry and hasn’t talked to me much in a couple days. We haven’t been intimate in quite a while, like a couple weeks. I don’t know how to fix this and make him talk to me again. He wont tell me he loves me. Recently he made a new female friend at work. It makes me very uncomfortable. He assures me that they are just friends, but i have a hard time believing him. He works night shift and hasn’t been coming home on his lunches (he used to every night). He says he just sleeps in his car or takes a drive, but again im not sure if i believe it. I miss him terribly and i want everything to be good again. I just dont know if he is trying to distance himself from me, or if i just need to give him space and let him talk when he is ready. I dont know if its normal to feel disconnected through the first year or so of marriage. I have heard it is the hardest. He has always been wonderful to me. He is a very nice person. Im afraid that my feelings of emptyness were based on something temporary and i just hurt him by saying what i did. I just need advice!
At last (six months after my son and I moved here) he’s left her but we are far from a happy family. He expects things to click back into place. He wants us to watch porn and have the crazy fun all night sex we used to … that seems to be all he wants! He refuses to throw away possesions he’s gathered since living with her (mainly clothes which are totally out of character to who he used to be). I tell him they upset me and he shouts me down, getting really angry, and tells me that she wasnt even with him when he bought them. He is being really insensitive towards my feelings. I have had to be the one to lean, compromise and sacrifice through our whole relationship and he cant even sacrifice some possessions. I know, from reading her blogs and things that he admitted, that he used to bend over backwards for her. I ask him to do a few favours and he says I’m demanding and gets angry. He constantly tells me he loves me and that we’re soulmates and he tries to be affectionate with me (though I’m becoming less and less responsive to this). But his actions tell a different story. I’m off sex with him – I still do it but nowhere near the standards we are used to, at times I feel sick. I dont love him anymore but when he says he loves me I say it back because when I’ve tried to end it with him or discuss our problems I get just anger or empty promises and my mind cant cope with that again. Through all this torment I have been in states of nervous hysteria. I have harmed myself and wished myself dead (although I didn’t contemplate suicide because of my son and a belief that I am worth a shot at life). So after this very, very long story I’ll get to the point. I realise that I have to leave him. Like I said, I’ve tried to several times over the last six months. But he begs me. He tells me that all we’ve been though cant be in vain … at last we can be happy. He tells me he will be dead inside without me. He threatened to close our business (he wont sell it even though it’s worth while finacially – he’d be ‘in no fit state to deal with it’). He said he’d move back to the UK and that I wont be able to stay here because I wont get any benefits and wont be get any financial support from the government and I wont get a job because of the language barrier – he knows how much I like it in this new country, and how good it is for our son who is really settling in well here – he is using this as leverage. I am in unfamiliar territory and, although I have made good friends here, I feel very alone. My family are a short plane journey away but I’ve never caught a plane alone – I am Not At All independant, as I’ve always depended on him and allowed him to make the decisions (mainly because he would shout me down if I tried to do otherwise). I am also feeling so much guilt about what I am taking away from my son – I always wanted him to have a normal happy family. And I feel guilty that I’m taking my husband’s son out of his life – I will always give him as much access as he wants (and he knows that) but I know that not saying good night to him eveynight will cut him up. So much guilt, so much self doubt … and I feel so so tired and weak. I dont have it in me to confront him again but I cant stay.
How offensive that this has become a gender war for the men commenting. You guys are feeling sorry for yourselves? One guy because he cheated and can’t stand to think she would even kiss a guy and the other guy jealous cause she won’t OBEY your dresscode? Get real! Peter, maybe she wants to get back at you and maybe she is just trying to find out if she is still sexy. A woman who is cheated on starts to feel insecure, maybe that is why she with holds sex in the first place. Or maybe you’re not doing it the way she wants. If you want her to stay, you will have to forgive her just as she forgave you. Let her know sex should be just as pleasant for her as it is for you, then she might respond to you better.

My husband and I have known each other for 20 years, and been married for the past 8. We have two adorable children who we both cherish. Since having the kids though, 5 years ago, our marriage has become unbearable. My husband has been through serious issues which led to depression, and has to his own belief, now dealt with the issues. During the time of his issues, he had two incidents, at least that I know about, with other women, and over the past 8 years with his behaviour, my trust has been stripped away and I am left with no trust in him whatsoever. He now continues to tell me he wants the marriage and he is in love with me, but I find it hard to believe when after 2 years of trying to work things out, we are still no further along than when we hit rock bottom 2 years ago. He continues to be thoughtless, and my anger and emotions hit sky high every time he stuffs up. I know I should be forgiving, but I find it harder and harder these days. I have told him I hate him and that I want him out. I cannot ever see a loving future between us, and I hate the kids seeing me this way. Also our intimacy has completely gone out the window. We have not been intimate in almost 3 years. It’s so depressing. Although I want the marriage ended, I can’t help thinking “Would I be so angry and upset and emotional, if I no longer cared?” Any advice on whether I should give him a go for the thousandth time, or just cut my losses and run?


While conflict is inevitable in any relationship, it doesn't mean that if you or your spouse is currently unhappy, the marriage is doomed. "If someone is unhappy, it is a great wake up call and a chance to create a new marriage by investigating the old," explained Hope. "If you learn to embrace pain and conflict as a spiritual push for greater potential, then you won't freak out in times of madness and conflict."
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