He resents you for having an affair. Plain and simple. It appears he is avoiding dealing with these feelings, which is leading him more and more into a downward spiral. The fact that he moved out, is indicative that he is involved with someone else (there's no reason he would need to move out to be depressed, he can do that at home). He needs to see a therapist, and start dealing with these issues instead of avoiding them.
Me and my boyfriend had our 2 year anniversary about a week ago, and he went out drinking for his friends birthday the next day. When he came back (at 4 am), we had an argument which ended up with him telling me that he’s not sure if he loves me anymore and also that his friends have been trying to get him to leave me. I was heart broken, I couldn’t stop crying, and I didn’t want to be in the same room as him. I told him that I still love him and he told me that he does love me, but at the same time he doesn’t know if he is IN love with me anymore. We decided for him to move back in with his family, so that he can figure out whats been going on in his head. He’s told me numerous times that I haven’t done anything and that this is his fault. We’ve been messaging each other since he moved out and he’s stopped saying ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’ and also calling me beautiful. I say it all to him instead and he just ignores it. I don’t know what to do, he’s said that he’s trying to sort himself out, but it just seems like he’s pushing me away.
Evan, I’m de-lurking to say this post is BRILLIANT. Thank you a million times over for this! I’ve been feeling sad since dumping a moody guy last month, and this is just what I needed to hear. You’ve helped me feel so much better about my decision. I hear a lot of my male friends complain about dating women who are “downers,” but rarely do I hear my female friends complain about moody men, so I was torturing myself about dumping this guy. I wanted to believe he’d snap out of it, but he didn’t, so… goodbye and good luck to him. Thank you, Evan, for your perspective as someone who has “been there,” and thank you for reminding women that we deserve better.
As for myself, now I’m struggling with the sadness, anger and grief of ending a relationship. Sometimes in my darker moments I wonder why I and the relationship wasn’t “enough” to inspire my ex to seek out help and get better, but then I remember that even my own parent couldn’t get better for a long time, even with kids in the picture. That’s my lingering belief of “not being enough” rearing its head, I know. But deep down, I feel at peace that I broke my own pattern, that I stood for my own happiness, that I was honest with my own needs. Whatever decision Katie makes, I hope it leaves her with that deep sense of integrity and honoring herself.
Everybody needs time on their own and going out with the girls is an important pastime woman crave as it is a chance to be intimate with friends. If they are going to social spots it’s also a chance to be validated. Although you have time together with your wife, it does not sound like it’s a fun time. Think of things to do together that put you both in unknown environments. This will cause discomfort and in turn should spark a bond whereby together you both overcome your immediate anxieties and will rekndle friendship through protective actions.
My problem is I’m not able to reason with her at all over the last few years, only if it’s in line with what she thinks is right. I’ve reached a point where I can’t go on arguing over stupid things because it’s at the point that I can’t deal with it and I don’t even care if my life ended. I have some health issues as well. By no means am I saying it’s always her fault, but I’m sick of it. If she told me to leave I would just to have a piece of mind. She doesn’t want me to have a dog, which I’ve had in the past,she gets upset over basically nothing and has an attitude till I apologize for something that wansnt even my fault. I’m not perfect by any means. This is a a very SMALL idea of want I have to deal wIth daily.
If they can't sit through a conversation about their intentions and goals, it might mean that they're not willing to commit to you or they don't envision the same kind of future that you do. This is totally fine, but you shouldn't be planning a future around someone who doesn't want a similar one, especially because, according to science, the clock is ticking.
Right, My husband is very stubborn and hates doctors or anything. So everything's a challenge but I always tend to keep the house tidy even when we are both working. And I always cook because he can't cook lol. But he was the one I married, and I intend on keeping him for the rest of my life. So ladies, don't be afraid of anything because that stopped us in the beginning because I felt ugly to him but you have to learn to let things go in marriage.
Our relationship is been very good over the years but about 2 or 3 years ago, she confronted me saying that she has lost interest in making love. First I thought that it could be her hormone problem and didn’t occur to me that we need to get help about it. We do continue having sex but not making love. She doesn’t even response to whatever I do to her, like romancing and foul play. Even when having sex, she said that it is painful and we need to use lubricant. Every time when we having sex, I don’t really get the satisfaction but feeling bad about it.
First and foremost, we must realize that everyone is ultimately responsible for their own happiness and simultaneously that everyone exerts a powerful influence on the happiness of those around them. A study by a former colleague, Nicholas Christakis, suggests that we influence the happiness of people close to us physically as well as the happiness of people close to us personally up to three degrees of separation (meaning not just the friends of our friends but their friends as well). How might this influence come about? Not by the advice we give or the action we take to try to make others happier but simply by being happy ourselves. Emotions, it turns out, are as contagious as infectious diseases (possibly as a result of the mirror neuron system). Some of us seem to be more contagious than others and some of us especially susceptible to being "infected" by others, but most of us have had firsthand experience in bringing others up or down with our moods and in being brought up or down by the moods of others.
It’s one thing to leave a downer partner you’re casually or seriously dating in order to take care of your own needs, but what happens when you meet and marry a happy person, start having a wonderful life and children together, and then your previously happy partner starts becoming moody/depressed? What if the depression is caused by a terminal illness or some other life-altering event? Do you get a divorce so you can take care of yourself?
As I’m sure you’ve heard before, relationships experience ups and downs and this is completely normal once you’ve been with a person for a long time. Realizing my husband is unhappy is never a good feeling but it can serve as a doorway to a happier and stronger marriage. Think about it, the moment you realize what’s making him unhappy, you learn about an element that you can bring into your marriage, or repair, that will make your bond stronger and in turn make both of you feel more fulfilled.
The need to protect their loved ones is also the basis for men while the need to be protected is the basis for women. And although modern men no longer have to protect the weaker sex from predators and wild tribes, there are still dangers in our troubled world. Therefore, it is pretty natural that a loving man becomes worried when his second half comes back from work late or is alone in an unfamiliar place. If he cannot be around, then he’ll at least call her and make sure she’s fine. By protecting a woman from threats, whether real or imaginary ones, a man feels like a superhero.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we have definitely had our ups and downs but throughout everything we’ve always stuck by each other’s side. About a month and a half ago he told me that he wanted to take a break from our relationship so that he could take some time to work on himself & I was 100% okay with that, but eventually it was revealed that he’s been having doubts about our relationship because I’m younger than him (2.5 year age difference) & there’s also this girl that he has like me for some time now that he wants to talk to. I know he has some strong feelings for this girl because anytime we’re remotely close to getting back together he runs into her (they go to school && work together) and totally second guesses our whole relationship. It hurts me because I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I know deep down he really wants the other girl. I’ve asked him several times if he would rather be with me or her & he always says “I don’t know.” That tells me that he doesn’t really want me anymore because how could you even compare a 4 year relationship to a crush? I’m just really in a sad place right now because I feel like our relationship is over. He still tells me he loves me and tries to act like we’re still together but I know that it’s her that he really wants. I’ve told him to go be with her because I know that’s what he really wants and I love him enough to let him go so that he can be with someone who is everything that he wants and more. He tells me he won’t do it because he doesn’t want me to get involved with anyone else. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s literally my best friend and I have no one else that I can talk to about our relationship. I really don’t want to leave him.. I want us to be happy together again.
I encourage you to keep writing about your thoughts and feelings. I think you’ll find that you know more about your marriage and your husband then you think you know… And the best way to figure complicated questions out is to write about them. Writing helps you sort through your thoughts and emotions, and discover the truth that maybe hidden deep within you. I encourage you to write in your private journal, or here if you’d like. I’m happy to be a sounding board, but I don’t give marriage advice and I can’t offer counseling.
The one thing I feel for you in this situation is you did not have a friend of family member who would grab you by the shirt and smack you upside the head and tell you to grow a spine! You should have divorces her after the 1st infidelity and taken your kids with you! She even talked you into admitting your affair and not mentioning her many, you got suckered!
something I forgot to add about how I made myself better was focusing on smaller accomplishments. I can't save the world, but I can make my little corner of the community better. I also focused more on not trying to make others happy in and of itself. Others had expectations for me, but those were not mine. I stopped caring so much about what others defined as success. Especially, what family wanted from me. I am /r/childfree, and happy about it. It took a while for my parents to realize they were not getting grandchildren from me, and for them to be OK with it. No guilt on my part.
This isn’t about divorce, and it’s not even about cheating. Not really. This is about understanding as a woman that while you are an important, main player in your marriage that the responsibility of your spouse’s happiness doesn’t rest solely on your shoulders. Only Jesus can heal hearts, and only He can fill an empty one. You can love your spouse, but you must also pray. And you don’t just pray for their relationship with you. You pray for their relationship with Him.
Sometimes, we offer help in a way we think would feel helpful for us, when really, our partner might need something completely different. For example, offering to give your partner space to process their unhappiness might be the opposite of what they'd like; they may want company. The point here is to ask how they would like to be supported and to do that.
Laurie, I have been marriage of 27 years. We have no children. My husband is older than me and is looking at retirement in approximately three years. I am not even close to thinking of same. We have a home in the country, he is always asking me to move from the city and find a new job in the country. We have a small place in the city. I have had my job for 25 years and am not wanting to leave my job; I love my job. My husband is extremely upset with me regarding this. I told him that IF I moved to the country leaving my secure job and he got hit by a bus, I would sell our country home and move back to the city. Of course if this happens I would lose my secure job and start at the bottom. In the country there are virtually no jobs aside from Tim Hortons or McDonalds to work at. This does not make sense to me. I have fifteen years until my retirement. This has been an ongoing argument/disagreement for too many years to count. We love each other but I am really reaching my ceiling in this regard and for that matter so is he. Any suggestions?
3. Have body confidence: Expanding on the last point, body confidence is super important to keep the spark alive in any sexual relationship. People change, and so do bodies. If you’ve gained weight since you first met, or you started getting dark chin hairs, or an emergency appendectomy left you with a weird scar, who cares? We guarantee you that decent, worthwhile dudes are not turned off by this. Shutting down your sex life over a few new stretch marks is sure to be a relationship killer. Don’t let time and gravity stop you from doin’ your thang, girl.
The only common thing throughout this whole thread is the fact that, somewhere along the way, someone has lost their love for their partner. Any loss painful and scary as we all fear the unknown. We all fear being unwanted, unloved and un-needed. We are all unsure of what step to take next. My only advice (for what its worth) to each of us, is dont do too much at once. Take tiny steps and only make small changes at time. Look after yourself, allow yourself to grieve the lost relationship (they say the negative feelings are better out than in) and then start looking for a way to take yourself forward through whatever it is you need to go through.
I fell in love with a boy in another religion when i was 18 years old.now iam 25.we both are of same age.im his third girlfriend.he promised me that he wil love until his last breath.but our relationship has a lot of problems.i cannot think of another man in his place.i love him so much that i cant live without him.i have told him many times that how much he mean to me as a boyfriend, but he stopped talking to me now..i cant think of even a second without him.he too said that he loves me so much.but things are getting different.we both are at different states.we see twice in a year since this relation started.now he is pursuing mba.he joined his new college last year.there he got lot of friends.
Hi FK, It’s one thing to get married with the expectation that our partner cares about us and our happiness and totally another thing to get married because we DEPEND on them for our feelings of worthiness and happiness. In the first case we are in control of our expectations and boundaries and in the second, we are trying to be in control of our partner. Self reliance requires us to accept responsibility for our own happiness and not hold others accountable for it through abdication. Of course, the concept of “self reliance” and its importance can be up for… Read more »
I’m the type of person to over-analyze and question everything in life. I realize I cannot change my boyfriend’s sense of humor. I’m not getting any younger and hate the thought of breaking off an otherwise great relationship. The stress on me from constantly questioning a future decision to marry my boyfriend is not helpful toward furthering what could be an amazing relationship. How do I find a way to shake this nagging feeling that marrying him may be a wrong decision because of our humor gap? Or is this difference in our senses of humor a deal breaker? Thank you for a new perspective. –Kelly
This message meant for faiza. Don't be afraid of the future dear... speak to him openly... and tell him how much you love him and there is nothing which can replace him in your life. Tell him without him you will not be there. and the very important thing is, when you speak to him don't be harsh and don't tend to question him(why are you doing so...etc). speak to him like you already understood the situation. And show the affection like he is your son. Make him understand that you will be there for him in every aspect of life..... ........don't cry in front of him suddenly..let him understand you need him. After that if you need to cry you can::)).I mean control your emotions a while please.
Nowadays, men and women have a lot of jobs and responsibilities. That is why ladies should understand that you cannot wait for your husband with a list of tasks to do just after he comes from work. When your partner returns, just give him a moment to enjoy the time, to calm down, to be with you. In addition, women should remember that men do not have such concentration as they do, and are unable to do many things at once. But he will surely help you as soon as you accept that he is doing things one by one.
I found this out from him when all of a sudden he was changing his moods very quickly and told me that he wanted to go back overseas permanently so i asked him what’s wrong and then he told me that during the time that he went back overseas something happened him and the bitch and chick from the social media, that’s when i decided to separate from him and ask him to go back overseas as i can’t no longer bear him cheating to me.
Is your significant other coming right out and saying he's unhappy with your relationship? Most likely not. Men are more apt to keep things in or show their displeasure in other ways. Or perhaps he's "telling" you he's unhappy about isolated events or situations in your partnership, but hasn't outright said, "Hey babe - this isn't working for me." Whatever the case may be, here are 15 signs he's unhappy in your relationship.
Are you unhappy in your marriage? Does your husband just not understand you? Has nothing you’ve said gotten through to him? Here are some novel ways to open his eyes to your pain and suffering. Below is a guaranteed Five Step Plan to get your husband to take full ownership for all of the marital issues and apologize accordingly. Because you deserve it. (PS. This is a SATIRE! If you want real help communicating with your husband, read other posts on this site, or my book!)
What’s happened as a result has been brilliant. I started tuning much more actively into my husband — prioritizing him, touching him regularly (holding his hand, sitting very close to him, hugging him, rubbing his shoulders, etc), more actively praising and appreciating him, and — crucially — not letting my ego get the best of me and not letting my need to be right lead to Armageddon. As a result, I have managed to bring out the best in my husband.
2. Respect yourself: Sometimes negligence is the issue, but other times we get too far on the other end of the spectrum. Putting your partner first 24/7 is a great way to burn yourself out and kill the passion in your relationship. Don’t be a doormat, and don’t let yourself go trying to do everything for him. Confidence is attractive, and taking care of yourself is a must.
You ladies are evil. This article is despicable, Maybe your controlling behavior is why your husband cant hear you. The best thing that looks good on a woman is kindness and understanding! The author is obviously has border line personality disorder. Men I know its hard to be a man sometimes, but If your wife does any of these things…. RUN. These things listed are not weapons but manipulations for a selfish person to get what they need and benefit NO partnership!
Give yourself time to grieve the idea that your boyfriend doesn’t love you or want you in his life anymore. It’s a huge, shocking blow. Don’t gloss over your disappointment, heartache, grief, pain, sadness, and fear. What helps me heal from terrible loss is writing. I write to express my pain. Other women turn to art, music, hiking in the woods or snow, swimming, decluttering the house, or traveling. Even reading can be an effective way to grieve the loss of a boyfriend’s love.
When you say your "I dos," you're making each other your top priority above anything and anyone else. When you lose that essential part of your marriage, you can lose the person that once meant the world to you. If you're not making your husband a priority in your life anymore — or if he's not making you his — it's going to be really hard to stay a solid unit. Try going back to prioritizing your time together, each other's feelings, and each other's goals to get back into a healthy place before it's too late.