Whether it snuck up on you over the course of a few years, or it dawned on you suddenly one night, I have to say — it's great that you noticed. Not everyone picks up on problems in their relationship, or takes the time to assess the situation. Even your partner might not realize they're projecting negative vibes, or that they're unhappy. So consider it a step in the right direction that you've realized something's wrong.
Recently my husband and I have brought some issues to light. We have been together 13 years, married 12. We were young and I had a 3 mo old daughter when we met. I fell in love with him because of the way he was with her. Recently, in a very relaxed conversation, he reveiled to me that he “thinks this sounds bad” but he believes he fell in love with me becuase of her. I dont have a problem with that. But now he thinks he loves me very much but isnt in love with me anymore. Personally, I dont know the difference. He says he loves me every night before we go to bed, and every morning before he leaves for work, as well as every time we talk on the phone, before he hangs up. And if I say it to him when around the house, he always says it back. He usually kisses me good night and good bye. So I think there is love there, and after so many years of being together you just fall into a rut. But…….. there are problems and I am not sure, when put all together, if I should be worried. He has always had this thing with joining dating sites online. He says he is just looking and that you have to become a memeber to see them. He says he doesnt get attention very often and it’s nice to see if someone responds. That he never returns their messages and would never act upon it. He has acutally kept this very open with me. From the beginning. I truly do understand where he is coming from. In my line of work, I am with guys all the time. So there is attention. I share all these stories with him so that he doesnt think I am hiding anything. I have never done anything inappropriate with anymore, nor have i wanted to. He is the only guy I have wanted in that way since I have been with him. In his line of work, there is no one else to give him this attention. WE all like to feel that we are still desireable and I know how that feeling lacks after being in the same relationship for years. But lately, I have had an issue with it and when I try to talk to him about it, he tells me (now mind you very calmly and never upset with me about it) that he never ever as any intention of acting upon it, it’s just nice to feel like someone is flirting with you. He is a very good looking guy and gets flirted with when we go out but he doesnt notice it. So I really do understand that need and want. Plus he reminds me that we made an agreement in the beginning that if either one of us felt things were moving towards a path that we were going to be unfaithful, then out of respect, we owed it to the other party to tell them beforehand. (He had been cheated on a few times prior to me and it really hurt him) Then I feel bad for bringing it up. But then he points out the fact that I need to start doing my own thing. We have 3 kids and i do absolutely everything for them. They are each very involved in school activities and friends and I never tell them no. So between running them around and my work I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. He says that if I had a few female friends that I could go out with and get away from the house I would feel better. That my life is not the kids and him, that I need time for myself. That i have become bitter and some people that he introduces me to read in my body language that I dont want to be there and so later on he feels embarassed and he apologizes to them for that impression and tells them that I am really not that way, that I am a very nice person, just hard to get to know. He does have a point. I only define myself as his wife and their mother. I have nothing else. And it is my own fault, I have made it that way. He says he thinks I am miserable and just dont know it. I think he has a point. But then here comes the fact that right now, becuase of everythign else, i am dealing with some real insecurity issues. I dont feel any emotion from him lately. I have tried to initiate being intimate these past few nights, with nothing but cuddling from him. I end up crying myself to sleep. I ask, if he really isnt interested and he says he really is just very tired. He recently got promoted at his job, so he leaves at 4:30 in the morning and gets home anywhere from 7:30-11:00 at night. He is exhausted and I can see it, becuase he sits on the couch within the first 5 mins of being home and falls asleep before the kids get a chance to tell him how their day was. He says that I am making a little thing into a big thing lately because I am being so emotional. Which is not like me. We use to joke that we had a really different kind of relationship. We werent really mushy, we joked in what othes would think would be mean ways. We use to tell people we had a love hate relationship. That we love to hate each other, but then we would laugh and he would kiss me and they knew it just worked for us. He had such a hard up bringing that he doesnt get very emotional, it’s almost like a wall. And i was ok with that until recently. It seems like he hasnt changed the way he treats me, but I see it now as a lack of emotion. That I am making subtle hints that I just need him to come up behind me and hug me, just to show me he’s still there, but he doesnt notice this. I want to talk to him but feel like I am beating a dead horse (for lack of a better term). We’ve never really had communication problems so I dont know why it is so difficult for me to talk to him now. I dont knwo why I feel so insecure now. I think if i just felt like i had some reassurance on his part. And when I brought that up the other night, he said, “I come home to year every night. I love you and the kids. I just want you to stop being so derogatory on the outside. Show what’s on the inside.” He even said that maybe he has started to pull away a bit becuase he sometimes doesnt know what kind of mood I am going to be in. and that does push him away sometimes. He does have a point there. He is the kind of guy that is always perkey, the glass is always half full with him. He says things are uncontrolable and you just have to go with the flow. I tease and call him a con artist sometimes, because he always seems to have everyone eating out of the palm of his hands. And I other the other hand, am the pessimistic one. I always prepare for the worse so that I wont be let down. Always been that way. But now it seems to be causing a drift between us. I feel I really need to change this behavior or I will loose him but on the same token, i dont want to feel like I have to change all of me to make him fall in love with me again. I dont feel I am the only one that has things to work on. And when this was all brought up, there was no yelling and he wasnt mean. I was crying, of course, because I didtn know he felt those things, and all I wanted was a hug but that didnt come. A year or two ago I wouldnt have thought anything of it, that’s just him, always has been. But now i feel like I really need the emotion. But it’s not fair to ask him to change. I need to know what I can do to change this, to make my marriage strong again. To make me believe that he still loves me. I want to feel that he isnt just around becuase of the kids, that he wants to be with me. Does it sound like our marriage is over? Does there look like there is any hope? What can I do to help to change things? How can I talk to him without feeling sick to bring it up? How can I get us back to where we were a few years ago? Is there any hope for us? I love him very much and am becoming sick imagining him leaving me. He hasnt said he is or wants to, but from some comments lately, I think he is just content and I want him to be happy. Does that mean I have to let him go?
If not, the quickest way to change your life is to forgive that parent, because you are half your mom and half your dad, the parent you are angry at is the part of you that you loath as well. I know this sounds so matter of fact, but it is a huge weight off if you can do it. Lastly, your marriage, you love him. I am not here to necessarily promote our book, but we did write a book The Marriage Manual available at http://www.themarriagemanual.com and the part for you is all about how to talk to your husband so he will WANT to talk to you.
May you experience recovery, healing, peace and love in your relationship. May you find life in your marriage, sparks of love in your soul, and sprouts of health in your emotional, physical, and spiritual relationship with your husband. I pray that God revives your marriage and performs a miracle in your relationship with him. May you find practical, healthy ways to deal with these signs your marriage is over – and may they become a ghost of the past.
As you probably see, sometimes it is worth to let go or to reflect on your own behavior. Although women are mostly called the queens of drama and the ones who search for problems, there are many aspects that bother men in a relationship as well. And since the relationship should be fulfilling, motivating and happy for each partner, remember about mutual concern, acceptance, and commitment.
If you want to stop your husband from having an affair, you need to learn how to make him think of you always. This means you need to look for new ways to keep the passion and romance burning like wild fire. Make him to desire you always even when he is at work. Make him to even want you around him during lunch break and every time he is less busy.
I encourage you to keep writing about your thoughts and feelings. I think you’ll find that you know more about your marriage and your husband then you think you know… And the best way to figure complicated questions out is to write about them. Writing helps you sort through your thoughts and emotions, and discover the truth that maybe hidden deep within you. I encourage you to write in your private journal, or here if you’d like. I’m happy to be a sounding board, but I don’t give marriage advice and I can’t offer counseling.
Further to suggesting some help, we may be called on, in some cases, to shoulder a little more of the load while our beloved gets themselves in order. If this is you, then realise that it’s for a short amount of time (hopefully) and that it’s all in service of the relationship's long-term happiness. And remember: they would do it for you, if the shoe were on the other foot.
every single time my husband and i argue he wants to leave me or he hates me and hes disgusted with me. just recently his father passed and said he didn’t want me to attend the funeral not once but at least 5 or 6 times;he never understands how i feel when i try to explain something or why im upset..im a student so i have no job or money i want to leave him but i feel trapped i really do love him but if has told me he wants to leave over and over again hes even though about suicide and that makes me feel ill! how can i stay with someone that feel this way let alone spill there true feelings to me when hes angry its funny cause i don’t feel warmth from him but when were arguing i get a lot of heat
Notice that nothing about that response was accusatory. It’s so tempting to ask him where you couldn’t meet his impossibly high standards but try very hard to resist this urge. Because he has approached you and been very honest with you. This gives you a chance to fix things before they get worse. And although I know that it may not feel like it right now, this is a definite advantage and you truly can fix this. I hear from so many women who have already been served divorce papers or whose husband has already left the home. This isn’t the case here and these are very important distinctions.
I have been with my husband for 5 years now and just a couple months ago I found out he cheated on me with his coworker. When I confronted him about his infidelity he stated it was my fault for going through his phone and discovering that he has been cheating. Since then he distances himself from me and refuses to cut contact with her. When I ask him why won’t he stop talking to her he tells me he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. I go out of my way to make things right again and he clearly doesn’t not even try but he says he still loves me and wants to be with me.
Hi, I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years and together for 7. We have 2 amazing children, life got in the way and we were not around for each other enough but still knew we loved each other. My wife went off sex after the birth of our first born. 6 months ago cheated while away on a hen do. States was nothing more than a kiss, but send messages and photos when came home for a period of weeks. She says she’s 50/50 and doesn’t know what she wants. 6 months later she still texts this man, stating it’s just a friendship now, and still won’t commit, says 50/50, and won’t be physically intimate (not even cuddling on sofa/in bed). Am I wasting my time? Can she come back to me or should I now walk?
And yet, if a man sees that something is very important to you, he will make an effort to listen to you attentively, even if this topic is completely uninteresting to him. When he loves you, he won’t leave you without attention. But if he keeps changing the topic or runs away using different excuses whenever you try to talk, most likely, your worries do not bother him. Accordingly, he is not going to participate in the resolution of any issues that may come up during the relationship.
Hep.. 28 years and I fell like a stranger to my husband. I share my thoughts, worries, etc and he listens but never responds. It’s like I am forgotten, not importanty, not worth his attention. How do I fix it when I feel alone. I have no friends to share anything with. My children are adults and have their own issues. I am tired. I can’t fake it any longer. I am trying to find a way out
Think about what your conversations are like. Can you talk to your boyfriend like he's your best friend? Do you share secrets, talk about your dreams, discuss the things that really make you sad, get into passionate discussions? If so, that's great! But if your conversations are boring and strictly about gossip, work, school, your parents or movies and there's no depth to them, that's not a good sign. You should connect to the person you're dating on a deeper level then just talking about what's going on in your lives.
Speak at length about your history of successful relationships prior to this one. Expound about how self-actualized you are due to your six months of therapy in the college counseling center ten years ago. I mean, you showed up to at least half the appointments. Except over summer break. You have even read some stuff about relationships on the internet. So, you know it’s not you that is at fault for your unhappiness, unless you’re “too nice.” It is him that is to blame, entirely. Bring this point home using a loud voice and some well placed finger pointing, so he has no doubt about his complete responsibility for 100% of your dissatisfaction. You should only have to sit back and wait now. The handwritten letter expressing his sorrow and regret for unilaterally ruining the marriage should be forthcoming tomorrow.
“Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint,” writes Lisitsa on Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. “The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack: it is an attack on your husband at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his whole being when you criticize.”
Start by evaluating why you are unhappy. Then consider when your partner/boyfriend might be receptive to hearing you. Do not wait until an argument, or until the next trigger for your unhappiness. Try and think of realistic, positive outcomes and how to achieve them. Maybe after a fun activity, or during a private moment, try asking them what they think about the problem. Start small. And be open minded! Sometimes the problem looks different once you lay it out on the table. Remember, this is a relationship -- you have to be able to give AND take!
I adore this man(I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) and really want this relationship to work but I do not know what to do. If we did separate, I’d be homeless and penniless. My mental health is getting worse( I have minor problems as a result of a head trauma several years ago, the compensation being the reason I left work, so he knows all about it) and no self esteem. I have already tried committing suicide once.
A lot of single and married women today believe that marriage is a means to an end – that all their problems will magically go away when the love of their life places a ring on their finger and they finally say “I do.” There is also an underlying expectation that the men in our lives will keep us happy at all costs. But despite the cues we get from the media, in fairy tales, and from those we believe are so happy around us, your relationship is not meant to keep you happy. Yes, your man should make you happy, but that is not the sole objective. We should be taking another path to happiness in our relationship – one that is more likely to get us where we need to be. This doesn’t begin with fixing our man, but with fixing our own hearts. Here are six things to do when your man can’t make you happy.
As women, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in raising kids, supporting our husbands, and running our homes-not to mention our careers outside the home! So many of us feel like we don’t even know who we are anymore! We get bored with the monotony of our lives and start to wonder what else is out there for us. We start to crave excitement and adventure. We wonder what life might have been like if we had stayed single or married someone else.