I have asked my husband how best we can end it (without affecting teh kids too much) and he has ingorned my requests. I have also spoken with him and assured him that the kids and I will be fine without him – I have told him that I release him from his wedding vows – that I want him to go off and find someone to be happy with (I really want to see him happy – just not with me) and STILL he wont go. I know life is convenient here for him as his laundry and cooking is done. If I stop cooking for him, that would be mean-spirited of me (espeically in front of the kids) – – its not even as if our meals are family time as he comes to teh table, opens a newspaper or book and reads anyway. he has never been emotionally available for any of us. I have had enough and cant see a way of ending it! (He of course, thinks I am derraanged and that it is a ‘control’ game – he thinks that I am withholding sex as a kind of punsishment) – i feel I cannot just have sex with strangers!
It can be difficult for men to work all day, come home and then be a part of all the business that goes on in the household. Sometimes when the woman of the house makes all of the decisions, the man can feel left out and feel like just a monetary provider. It’s important to include your husband in the household decisions being made surrounding the finances, children, and other important matters. You can leave all the minor decisions out, such as what type of laundry detergent you should buy.
Love leads to many things good and bad but perhaps one of the most challenging is the way it links our happiness to the happiness of others. This connection largely explains why we often become frustrated or angry with the ones we love: in loving them, we frequently come to feel they're actually a part of us, and if they behave in a way we don't like, we feel an urge to put a stop to their behavior as if it were our own; their behavior may wound us and directly injure our own happiness, and our attempts to change it may be motivated out of a desire to make ourselves happy; and finally, we may genuinely respect the lives of those we love as distinctly separate from ours but feel frustrated or angry that they're acting in a way we think will harm their happiness.
I’m sorry. I did misunderstand. I thought it was three exwives. I know you pain…I just gave up on my husband love more than life today. Our spouses have OCPD obsessive Compulsive Personalty Disorder which is not the same as OCD. Read about it. It was not till I read about it that I understood. I can do nothing right…I never have. I make twice his salary and take care of monetary things more so than he does. He bitched, groans,complains, cuts be down, I can do nothing right, clean nothing right, he dominates every minute of my time when he is here and when he isn’t here. Leaves me lists of work to do to keep me busy on my off days and I work 50 hours per week…I’m exhausted with him and it’s taking scroll on my health. The rants, fits and rage…I just can’t take…I gave up today and told him I wanted a divorce..I just wanna die
If not, the quickest way to change your life is to forgive that parent, because you are half your mom and half your dad, the parent you are angry at is the part of you that you loath as well. I know this sounds so matter of fact, but it is a huge weight off if you can do it. Lastly, your marriage, you love him. I am not here to necessarily promote our book, but we did write a book The Marriage Manual available at http://www.themarriagemanual.com and the part for you is all about how to talk to your husband so he will WANT to talk to you. 

"Have you ever been in an amazing relationship where you just ached to be in some type of contact with your partner?" dating expert Noah Van Hochman asks Bustle. "Whether it by text, phone or email, you just couldn’t wait to contact them? Well, if one person is not happy in the relationship, they can wait (and usually do) to respond back to you." Uh-oh. This has definitely happened to the best of us, and it's a terrible (and oft-ignored) sign.
The issue I have been really struggling with is how he will take me leaving mentally and physically. He has told me in the past that he has thought of committing suicide. I later found out that he told me this to get a reaction out me. In addition to that, he has a certain disease and stress causes it to flare up. I am afraid when I make this move, it will cause him to really hit rock bottom.
Jackie H – When I start having to make a pros and cons list, I know it’s time to go.  Once I start dissecting a man in that way, I’ve already lost respect to the point that I can pick him apart like nobody’s business and I already know that the cons list will be long.  Why even bother?  Additionally, I think that, unless the writer is experiencing some other issue, why is she even bringing up, “He’s not funny”?  If they have a good comfort level with each other, that’s what really matters.  It’s seems a mute point to attack him for being not funny enough at this point in the relationship, and imho, like she’s ‘looking” for a reason to leave.  Funny “enough” is one of those things you look at up front, during the dating phase, and if she thought he was funny enough up front, why is she dissecting him like this now.  This says to me there is a larger problem which has nothing to do with “funny” enough. What she’s really saying is that he’s not “enough” of something else….  I like funny but life, in an of itself, is serious business.  And if he is taking care of business, why even go there?  If “is he funny enough” a serious consideration, then no wonder I have such a hard time dating.  Maybe I’m just taking the wrong stuff into consideration.  But hey, if I’m going for really funny, then just give me the best looking guy in the room too!  Geez, at this point, I’d take cute, kind, attentive and caring, a decent job, no big baggage, and someone who actually wants to get to know me with enough chemistry to make some smoldering happen.  That apparently is far too much to ask these days.  If I want some funny, I’ll YouTube my favorite old Eddie Izzard skits. 

The issue I have been really struggling with is how he will take me leaving mentally and physically. He has told me in the past that he has thought of committing suicide. I later found out that he told me this to get a reaction out me. In addition to that, he has a certain disease and stress causes it to flare up. I am afraid when I make this move, it will cause him to really hit rock bottom.
Notice that nothing about that response was accusatory.  It’s so tempting to ask him where you couldn’t meet his impossibly high standards but try very hard to resist this urge.  Because he has approached you and been very honest with you.  This gives you a chance to fix things before they get worse.  And although I know that it may not feel like it right now, this is a definite advantage and you truly can fix this.  I hear from so many women who have already been served divorce papers or whose husband has already left the home.  This isn’t the case here and these are very important distinctions.
If you confront her it will only lead to a heated exchange and a forcing of her hand. This route never really goes well. My opinion is to ignore the entire subject and stop trying to find out more. I mean this with all sincerity. I forced the issue and lost twice before. Maybe I am an expert? In any case don’t be rash and make any descions without looking very hard and long down the road of possibilities. Things never turn out well when you force someones hand. Forgive and move on or realize that you will be giving up everything you know as your life today. Proabbly your house if you own it at the very least the place you currently live. You will be starting over nearly from scratch. Don’t even think of harming her in any way as the law will have you as their prime suspect no matter what. Worse case scenario is you think you are smarter than 30,000 people and off your wife. The law catches you and your son has no momma and no poppa. DON’T DO IT. Forgive and forget any of it happened and pray to God for a marrage fix without ceasing. Best advice you can’t buy.

If your partner is harboring some form of unhappiness, it might feel like pulling teeth when trying to get them to chat. And this can be most obvious when talking about mundane things. "Saying things like 'it's cold outside' doesn't require a response, but most couples respond regardless because they simply enjoy talking to each other," Rogers says.


I am a doer, not a talker, and I will not sit by and be part of a train wreck that I can clearly see, whether it is mental or physical.   If I have a boyfriend who has cancer, and he will not seek help, I will not stand by for X number of months or years in anguish just to go down with him.  If he is going to doctors, getting treatments, I would stand by him and hold his hand on his deathbed.  None of the posters said anything about abandoning anyone.  I would stay with my Asperger man and help him navigate through this, if he wanted the help!  What I will not do is stand there and be collateral damage. 
This same approach should be applied to the other things he does that may bother you from time to time. Don't get hung up about things, and if he does something that you really dislike, just let him know. Holding on to little things and petty grudges is not a good idea for you or your husband. Many of the little annoyances you may have you will forget about in a few weeks anyway, so it is not worth it to get upset over them.
Hi, we are just the same but for me we don’t have a baby and I think he doesn’t want to have a baby with me😭😭, we’re married for almost 2 months and my husband told me that he never feel the satisfaction during our sex, i was so sad when he told me that it broke my heart so bad, then I ask him if what can I do to make him satisfy he just told me to pray for him, I’m so depressed and sad when he told me that😭😭
I feel for a lot of you on this blog because I have been through it too and even though I have been seperated 17 months now I look at things in a new perspective. I was married for 23 years and with him for 27 we were high school sweethearts and I can tell you, that things might get better for a bit but it will always come back. I kicked him out on our wedding anniversary and since that day I have been through so much hurt as I found out that he is a drug addict and wonder why our marriage did not work out. He was lying and sneaking all the time and also I was mentally and phically abused for years. I put up with it my whole life because he made me feel I could never do better in life without him and when you are constantly put down it is the way your programmed to think. Since we split his drug use becaome way worse, he would steal from the house and do very evil tings behind my back. He even lost my house as he did not let me know that the mortage was behind and 5 days before last christmas I had to vacate my home with my two year old grandson that I am raising. There hass been so many games done to me that it almost makes me puke but I can tell you that I have loved him so much for the entire seperation, but two weeks ago something happened to change my mind and I dont even know what it was. All the sudden I dont have the same feelings for him and I am not calling him much anymore. I have wanted him to come back to me but I think that it is because he mentioned that he wants to work things out with me and I really dont know how to feel about that. All I can tell you is that my feelings are not the same. I think that I have fonally gotton over this hurt and I forgive him for everything. We shared our whole lives together and its over and I dont think that we can repair it. I know that I pay for my own things now and I am raising my grandson and really I have come to terms with that I dont need anyone as a partner. Sure I could have got someone else in my life but I never wanted to hurt anyone because I know that If I got another guy that I would drop him like a hot potatoe as soon as my ex wanted to come back, never wanted to involve anyone else. I thought that when he was done his drugs that he would come home. Problem is I dont think at this point I want him back. I realize that he loved me chasing him, texting him and calling him and the more I dont do it the more it intises him to see what I am up too and why I dont call. I am tired of the game as it has consumed my well being. You cannot change anyone ever. For awhile they may change but as they say you cannot change a tigers stripes and I believe that is the truth. I never wanted to ever be alone, but I asked myself do I really want to live like that again ang the answer is definately not. I dont want to raise my grandson in a fighting home, i did that with my kids and I was wrong for it. Good luck to all and remember if your not happy get out of it, dont waste your life you only have one. It is not worth it in end. I didnt want to be 80 years old rocking in my chair wishing i still did not have to live this life. Anyone can do better for themselves, sure they might not have as much but I can tell you now that I am not with him I can make sure I have things as he is the one who always cost a crap load of money..there is so much to my story but I cant tell it all it would take forever. Good luck everyone.
When you sit down with your husband to tell him you are unhappy, prepare for a potentially long conversation – you need to share your feelings and you need to hear your husband's perspective. Try to choose a time when you are unlikely to be interrupted by work, family or other obligations. While it's hard to predict how the conversation will go, it's a talk experts say should happen sooner than later.
@happy in marriage. I think to post something like what you have on a thread like this is completely out of order and I HOPE you get to read this. Most of the people on here did not choose for their relationships to end? How SMUG of you to come on waxing lyrical about children from two parent families much better off that from broken homes etc? yes, in the ideal world, two parents are far better, but if you have taken the time to read a lot of these posts you will see that most of the parents are ‘single’ already with an estranged/diengaged/abusive or non-commited spouse. surely in cases like this, a single happy parent is better than two miserable ones?
Even though it solves nothing, I have Google and read over a thousand things like this. Because I’m lost and pissed off at myself for being lost. We dated for a year and 3 month, and I thought “this is it, he is the one for me”. It’s been long distance and I was finally getting everything in order for me to move across the world so that we could be together. And then, the breakup. He doesn’t know what he wants, he’s not sure if he will always feel this way, and finally today, to give myself so sort of closure, I told him that if he truly doesn’t love me anymore: say it. He did. So now I’m here, broken hearted and confused. But also, empowered and excited for the future even though I can’t stop crying. I have no idea where life will lead me next and of course I’m sad because I still love him. But mostly, i am grieving for the fact that I really believed this man, who hurt me this bad, was going to be the person I’d spend my life with. I’ve written down why he was wrong for me and I’m carrying it with me everywhere I go. He was emotionally closed off. We had a poor sex life. He was half a world away most of the time. I have my life planned and I know what I want. It’s not him, it was never him and if I can remind myself that enough I know I’ll be okay in time. Stay strong ladies, we don’t deserve anyone who doesn’t see our worth.
A lot of single and married women today believe that marriage is a means to an end – that all their problems will magically go away when the love of their life places a ring on their finger and they finally say “I do.” There is also an underlying expectation that the men in our lives will keep us happy at all costs. But despite the cues we get from the media, in fairy tales, and from those we believe are so happy around us, your relationship is not meant to keep you happy. Yes, your man should make you happy, but that is not the sole objective. We should be taking another path to happiness in our relationship – one that is more likely to get us where we need to be. This doesn’t begin with fixing our man, but with fixing our own hearts. Here are six things to do when your man can’t make you happy.

Let me try to address the first one, your depression, I have many friends with clinical depression and they are all on anti-depressants, not a fan of meds, but they seem to work for them. Your husbands unhappiness, When someone is unhappy we all know that it is up to that person to figure it out, and really there is nothing we can do except offer support. Does your husband have a good relationship with his parents?
Thank you all with the replys they are so encouraging. My live in boy friend of 6 years just told me about a week ago that he is Not happy anymore and we are not going anywhere. So I’ve been wondering why is he still here. And is this just something that will pass. I’m confused as to why he is still here. I know He is Not cheating. I work I pay bills I cook when I’m not too tired from work I clean do laundry so I know its not me..
My new almost boyfriend is kind, wise and occasionally silly in a sweet kind of predictable way.  His jokes are obvious and not worthy of the tonight show, but I so appreciate that he tries to joke that I adore him.  I know a few true professional comedians offstage and all of them have control problems in that they don’t know when to stop, have boundaries issues and you have to have a very thick skin to hang around them when they drink. They seem to think everything and everyone is fair game no matter how tired you are or what is going on in your life.  I don’t believe any of them really want to hurt people’s feelings they just cannot seem to relate to the world without joking.  It is truly non-stop.
Kathleen, I admit the first paragraph of your comment struck a chord. Last summer, my boyfriend of two years walked out on me, out of the blue – just told me at the end of a weekly date night that he was leaving, handed me all my things from his apartment, that he’d packed before he left home that evening, and I only saw him once since that day. The only indication he’d given me was three days before he left, when he said “you were not happy last night”. Last spring, i.e. 3-4 months prior to that, I had a loss in my close family, my workload around the house doubled, then I changed jobs and my new job was harder than the one before it, and took a while to adjust to. Things got easier by the end of last year, but in the summer, I was completely exhausted from having all that new workload on top of trying to meet my ex’s many needs. I was still happy for the most part, just very tired and more irritable than my usual easygoing self. I admit that I still feel disappointed with him that he couldn’t wait for the hard times to pass, offer help and support, or even tell me that I had changed and ask me to get help (since I was too tired to even notice). Instead, he just walked out when I needed his help the most, because, after two years of making him happy and meeting his needs, there came a brief period of time when I couldn’t, and he just refused to put up with that. I still feel that he betrayed me, violated my trust in him, and let me down. I used to respect that man a lot and I don’t think I will ever be able to anymore.
Well, sometimes is difficult to have certain conversations. However is important to try solve a situation rather than avoid it, feeling unhappy in a relationship is an important matter. Before the actual conversation there is some preparation I suggest to follow and always have worked personally for me. First of all think why you feel unhappy. When you have solved that, think what would you like to get out of the conversation. Do you want to work things out or end the relationship, if you don’t know is alright. Now you should have: firstly, a reason why you feel unhappy. Secondly the impact on you so far which is the fact you feel unhappy and finally an aim, which is what you are aiming to get out of the conversation. All you need now is to be calm and clear with your boyfriend. From the moment when he will have a clear picture of what is going on, it will be easier for both of you.
Thank you all with the replys they are so encouraging. My live in boy friend of 6 years just told me about a week ago that he is Not happy anymore and we are not going anywhere. So I’ve been wondering why is he still here. And is this just something that will pass. I’m confused as to why he is still here. I know He is Not cheating. I work I pay bills I cook when I’m not too tired from work I clean do laundry so I know its not me..
Hi, thank you for your article. The signs you have pointed out here have been happening to me and my husband. We are 5 years married. He is not with us always because of his job and he only gets home every other month or two months (and only stays 1 week). Before our big fight, we have a very smooth sailing relationship. Always calling, texting. But last year I got pregnant with our 2nd child and I wasn’t able to go to him (the place where he stayed, and where he worked). I think that was when it all started (when everything has fallen apart).

I agree with Evan’s assessment but also want to bring another question to the table after reading her letter.  Humor is important, and it’s obviously very important to the letter writer, but could it also be her way of providing herself with an ‘out’?   She mentioned that she ended her previous long-term relationships.  Could her current relationship be great and heading towards the next phase and that’s what’s causing her to all of the sudden focus intensely on his ‘lack of humor’?   I did this to my relationships to sabotage them from moving forward because I was too nervous, unwilling, etc. to risk going there.  Thankfully I realized that before it was too late and am in a great relationship now because of it.  But before, when it started getting serious, I’d start focusing on something that all of a sudden became a ‘deal-breaker’ that wasn’t one before.
My husband has been unfaithful. I learned last year that he was. He says he love me and want our marriage but, he is still with his mistress & denies it. We have never had locked phones. And I have never seen his phone down in a year. It’s always on him. He lies & the cheated has affected his company because of the lack of work. I have no clue what to do. He never shows me any different. Other that I don’t make him feel special, but I do anything he asked. Now I am at the last rope. We have 3 young children & i am searching for work incase of the worse. Does anyone have any advice. Plus he says he depressed. And need me, but it’s the same thing over & over.
Visitation without me around scares me, especially if he goes down the angry road again, or simply the unhappiness road. The other day, he told me he failed at his workout goal. I said, well, at least you tried! He said he got close to his goal, but failed - he was 6 seconds off of the goal - we had a discussion about failure/trying your best is success...I worry for my daughter that this will be his perspective - He quoted Yoda - there is no try, do or do not...He told me we have different point of views and he didn't want to get into an argument about it. The only reason I held my ground and talked with him about it at all is b/c I worry that my daughter will be seen as a failure at some point. He tried and succeeded in keeping it a pleasant discussion. But the perspective scares me, especially if I am not there to remind my daughter that (if something similar happens to her) she is a success - just for trying her best!

Optimism has magic in it. Looking for beauty and truth and what is right has magic in it. No matter where you are, you can find something about that place that is beautiful, true or good, even if it is simply the lessons you are able to learn there. Look for what is RIGHT about where you are. No matter what situation you are in, there is something good to find inside of it. Look for what is RIGHT about a situation. No matter who you are with, you will be able to look in their eyes and see their value, finding something wonderful and good in that person. Look for what is RIGHT about others.


My bf’s moodiness came out after 3 months. I was shocked thinking “what is this? ?”. Then it happened more and more often. Walking on eggshells. .he does go to therapy but unfortunately I don’t think it works. He had a traumatic childhood. He acknowledges he’s depressed and takes medication but he will not admit to being moody. I’m so happy go lucky and laid back that at first I just thought I could pull him out of his moods no problem. But after a while it became exhausting and I realized this was his job not mine. It’s tough-never really goes away. I do love him but if I had known this from the beginning I’d have moved on. Also he wants me with him 24/7. So giving him space doesn’t even work.
I was speaking with one of my homegirls this weekend and she was telling me about how she’s on the verge of breaking up with her man. When I asked her why, she stated that he didn’t treat her the same way he use to back in the days. Apparently, when they first got together he was happy, energetic and just loved to be around her 24/7. but now he seems distant, distracted and somewhat emotionally unavailable. My next question to her caught her completely off-guard (which was surprising, because I thought it was a fairly easy and expected question): “What’s wrong with him?”
You mentioned someone going through a period of suffering in their life that they need time to get through (so this suffering is not permanent) and individuals who might have frequent dips in mood. I have a question about individuals who have a condition they have been affected by for a long time and will probably stay with them for the rest of their life. My mother has had what appears to me to be borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder for the past 23 years since I was born. How much responsibility is placed on the person for their behavior who has difficulty controlling their moods? My mother can obviously control her behavior around strangers (maybe she is around strangers in times of better mood), but I see her take out her emotions, problems, aggressions in private on her caregivers (my grandfather and grandmother). She is not able to take responsibility for her actions at all and is not expected to by her caregivers. Is this appropriate? Is it appropriate to forgive her behavior in every instance? Or to hold her accountable for her actions? Should her rude behavior, explosive emotions, inability to listen be excused as something she has no control over? Or should the person be held accountable for certain aspects of her behavior? This is difficult for me to deal with because my emotions in response to her behavior when I am around her get discounted by my grandparents because they use the model where she "is not able to control herself at all so she must be forgiven in all circumstances". Is this model of forgiving every circumstance appropriate? Thank your for your response.
Two things occurred to me while reading your story. One is that you have to remember that your husband is a man, not a little boy. You need to let go of the need to take care of him. He’s not your child, and he will deal with your leaving the best way he knows how. You can’t control how he’ll cope — and it’s not your job to make life as smooth as possible for him! Your job is to make the best decision for you and your marriage. And sometimes the best decisions are the most painful.
Me and my boyfriend had our 2 year anniversary about a week ago, and he went out drinking for his friends birthday the next day. When he came back (at 4 am), we had an argument which ended up with him telling me that he’s not sure if he loves me anymore and also that his friends have been trying to get him to leave me. I was heart broken, I couldn’t stop crying, and I didn’t want to be in the same room as him. I told him that I still love him and he told me that he does love me, but at the same time he doesn’t know if he is IN love with me anymore. We decided for him to move back in with his family, so that he can figure out whats been going on in his head. He’s told me numerous times that I haven’t done anything and that this is his fault. We’ve been messaging each other since he moved out and he’s stopped saying ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’ and also calling me beautiful. I say it all to him instead and he just ignores it. I don’t know what to do, he’s said that he’s trying to sort himself out, but it just seems like he’s pushing me away.
Notice that nothing about that response was accusatory.  It’s so tempting to ask him where you couldn’t meet his impossibly high standards but try very hard to resist this urge.  Because he has approached you and been very honest with you.  This gives you a chance to fix things before they get worse.  And although I know that it may not feel like it right now, this is a definite advantage and you truly can fix this.  I hear from so many women who have already been served divorce papers or whose husband has already left the home.  This isn’t the case here and these are very important distinctions.
This is the oldest trick in the book. Why do we start a relationship hoping a man is going to change? It’s important to accept your boyfriend for who he is, in the flesh. If you fell in love with your idea of him, and not the real him, that’s not his fault. If you are pushing him to do things he doesn’t want to do, it’s not going to make him happy.
Me and my husband were great to begin with now he just cannot be bothered with anything to do with me at all. He is all for our daughter and leaves me out completely. He is also sneaking out late at night. i still love him but this is hard to take. We have been together seven years and I’m only 26 I don’t wanna be a divorcee in my twenties!!!!! please help!!!!
I’m so bummed that this site isn’t for men! I’m 61 and for 39 married years I’ve wanted a wife who’s more emotional, more tender, gentle, understanding, sensual, feminine. Instead she’s bossy, managerial, unemotional, un-tender, right brain dominant to the max, etc! Now I have health issues and boy do I feel alone in this! No comforting from her at all! And sex ended many years ago, and recently I got on testosterone therapy for my overall health and depression, and even tho I’m a little frisky again, she wants no part of that! I’m ready for this marriage to be over! Maybe I can spend whatever years God gives me with a women who can be feminine with me in every respect. And if your wondering if we talk things out, yes we do, and she can only ever understand her side of things because of incredible stubbornness! Thanks for letting me vent!

I also pray for acceptance, wisdom, and guidance for you. May you seek God’s heart in all the decisions you make about your marriage and your future. May you accept His will, His desires, and His guidance for your life. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but God does. I pray that you can rely on Him, turn to Him, and lean on Him – even if you believe you have all the signs your marriage is over. I pray for health, for healing, for restoration in your life. I pray that you find hope and faith, and that you open your heart to any possibility that God might bring you. Be open, be willing to follow His will even if it’s painful. Give your marriage to God, and He will strengthen and uphold you no matter what happens.


"Sometimes you just have to ask. Instead of discussing their unhappiness, people may let conflicts and resentments fester. Keeping silent about a perceived inequity or accepting behaviors over and over that are troubling may seem like one is being a good sport or taking the good with the bad. But speaking up is the only way to maintain true intimacy and closeness." —Singer
I am having a very serious issue. I met my husband online and after developing a good relationship, I met him in person. After 2 years of courtship we recently got married. He is very patient, understanding, kind- hearted guy. But, I am not at all happy with him. He is everything a girl wants, that’s what my friend says, but I think he is not made for me.
Great article Steve, one of the best I have read so far on GMP. It applies to more than just marriages, it includes all depending on others for happiness. One of the consequences that can flow from going the change route to be responsible for your own happiness is that it can mean the end of your relationship which may have been a reality regardless. To minimise the risk of this you need to consider how you will effectively communicate your change needs with your partner and be prepared for negotiation around a win win solution. This also might require… Read more »
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