You aren’t able to look at things the way he is looking at them and he can’t look at things your way. So you two need to sit down at a peaceful place (so make sure you don’t choose a bar or club, meet in a restaurant or park) and try to first understand how he feels about various things. Once he opens up, you can explain him how you feel about the things which are bothering you at the moment.
He gets angry if/when it becomes clear that I don’t trust him. But, he makes no efforts to help that either. He’s just mad about it. He may gripe about the way I do something but he offers no solutions, or alternatives. It’s kind of like, “if you do it like that, you’re stupid.”, and my natural response is “really? how should I do it?” to which his reply is “I don’t know, but not like that.” That isn’t an actual converstaion, it’s just that’s how it feels.
He resents you for having an affair. Plain and simple. It appears he is avoiding dealing with these feelings, which is leading him more and more into a downward spiral. The fact that he moved out, is indicative that he is involved with someone else (there's no reason he would need to move out to be depressed, he can do that at home). He needs to see a therapist, and start dealing with these issues instead of avoiding them.
Reading all in an effort to know how to talk to an adult daughter. She said she was diagnosed with chronic low grade depression. Sometimes it is hard to be around her. She finds slights where there are none. One of her brothers said he does't know how to act around her, that it is like walking on eggshells. She throws a lot of "nasties" at me; thinks it is ok to criticize me in front of others, etc. Mostly, I have not responded but since I low my youngest son, her behavior overwhelms me. Lately, it has gotten to the "straw that broke the camel's back". I would like to sit her down and tell her how this affects me but am concerned how that would in turn affect her. We all hurt since I lost my son. He was a loving, affectionate, kind person; it is as we lost the sunshine coming into a room. Saying that because I think that is affecting my former tolerance. Any good advise out there? Thanks.
Close to 20 years of marriage this Nov. Afraid to let go and start over. Discovered text messages last year and uncovered his infidelity. He swears no physical relations, but I don’t believe him.Trust is gone, no romance. He likes to go out to dinner, but I find he only wants to go in our geographic area. We use to go to all parts of town for years. Keeps family info limited and now his friends as well. I feel I’m totally isolated from his world. Comes home every night, but we’re like room mates co-existing. Nothing in common. I feel I want to take my daughter and start a new life. I’m realizing that I think he’s preparing to leave me. He told me this weekend that I deserve to be happy and be with someone who enjoys what I like (church, museums,music, dancing).My life was raising the kids, caregiver for parent who passed away, working/going to school nights. Now Kids are 20 and 13. He’s not physically abusive gets moody, nasty attitude/comments and terrorizes the dog. Sneaks alcohol in beverages every evening. Light bulb has come on and I believe he too is unhappy. He’s comlacent and stinnnngy, I believe he would rather suffer than pay child support.
We married 18 years ago (coming up shortly), were both each others first partners. Just simply fell in love and married. Marriage worked quite well, we never had any of those “standard” problems: we were both frugal with money, modest, faithful to each other, were not too much into this “great sex” thing that you can read in magazines or on the internet. We had a lot to talk about, joking all the time and had two children. She is a great mother and role model. Basically, everything I would want in a wife. However, a nagging issue that was not addressed from the outset was our relationships with each other’s families. The funny things about this is that we are immigrants and our families do not even live in the same country. She never hid it that she hates my family even though she never spoke to many of them nor they ever visited us. She even went that far to teach kids how their cousins are bad kids even though she never met them! (BTW, they are valedictorians in their schools, but that is not the point). This issue surfaced when her mother visited here, which turned out to be a weird experience for me. They were literally fighting about everything and her mother went home crying. She vowed never to talk to her and her father again, which she did. This was quite a surprise to me given that when we dated, it looked like a very healthy family to me. Both her parents adored me, so to this day, I am not sure what happened between them. This was 11 years go, fast forward three years ago, we had not had sex for 11 months. She chose to sleep with kids who she adores. I did not press the issue, which is the first problem in our marriage. We just do not communicate well. When I occasionally mentioned this, she would cite work, being tired, kids love it etc etc. When I offered household help, I could never get it right; there is always too much water on the counter, a spot on the dishes etc… To this day, I do not know what triggered this, but this turned out to be beginning of all the current troubles. Things turned to worse when her father died. I tried to help with grieving and offered to talk how to help financially with the funeral and all (which she did not attend, btw) etc. She just clammed up, did not want to talk to me at all. At that time, I was simply fed up and primed myself to the biggest mistake of my life. I basically opened myself to respond to whatever romantic oppportunity came along. Not seeking, just responding. Unfortunately, it did. An aggressive woman approached me at a meeting and we started chatting over the email. I kept my composure not to do anything physical, zero (not a touch). Nevertheless this would basically amount to cheating. This went on for about three weeks. As life would have it, she found the emails and one text message and was devastated. I stopped immediately, but we never talked about it more. So, in the books, this went as my being a cheater. Nothing about lack of sex for the past whole year or any other reason why I was shut out (this is not an excise for what I did). She did offer to go to counseling back then, but I refused, because I knew that what I did was a mistake and I stopped and promised never to do anything stupid like that. No need for someone else to tell me that. Now, the part that scares me the most. In the meantime, it looked to me she forgave me, but only on the surface. We would have sex, but out of nowhere she started using lubricants. We would never kiss, or any other foreplay. She simply refused me to satisfy her in any way. So, it felt like I was raping somebody,which I mentioned to her several times. Response was always be happy that you get something, many men do not even have that. After sex I would have this guilty sinking feeling I am hurting her and I just could not take it any more. I can’t physically hurt the person I love! I started being frustrated and wanted to talk about what is going on. She refused most of the time then on occasions would mention my “affair”. Then, since the end of last year she again began refusing sex. We are back to being close to breaking our “record”. She does not even want me in bed, trying to stay as far away as possible. Any attempt on any kind of touch (even holding hands) is met with a violent negative response. She began to be frustrated with taking care of children, constantly mentioning how she does everything and not being appreciated, how she wishes to go on vacation somehwere by herself, just to be alone etc etc. I began breaking down and started saying that I will leave her if she does not at least want to talk to me. All to no avail. I guess, this is another mistake; don’t say it if you don’t mean it! But, again, when things build up inside, some sort of outlet must be found. Now, to top it all off, I found out that she posted her profile on a dating site and to my direct question whether she is dating anyone responds “if I did I would be much happier”. She also started posting provocative pictures of herself on Facebook. Of course, she blocked me from viewing her profile, but I have friends who showed me those pictures. All in all, our life now consists of her sitting behind computer, closing windows as soon as I am around, locking it when leaving for a while, while I desperately try to establish any kind of communication and live in frustration. Our family life has basically disappeared. No more family outings (we take children out separately), no family vacations, no friends over. She has established a new circle that consists mostly of divorced women who claim to have great sex life and are showing off their much younger lovers with great bodies. All of a sudden, I need muscles, great six packs etc. Divorce has become a viable option for her, which is a complete turnaround from when we met, when she was always apprehensive of anyone who divorced and I had to give up a male friend who divorced.
When we were supposed to marry for life – life expectancy was only till about 40 or 50. Now we have extended our life expectancy till our 80s at least but no-one has reviewed the wedding vows, lol. We are still expected to live with the same perosn although we have DOUBLED our life span! Crazy! We are all entitled to a second chance now for our ‘second half’ of life – for all our sakes! xx
HELP HELP >>> Hi I got married in Aug 2012, We never communicated prior to our wedding regarding future plans for our lives. We have a baby now and my husband has done everything possible for paying for everything, We was living in his sister house and his sister and mother was living in his house.So it is now that we need to move back to his house and also take care of his mother and I accepted and taken the responsibilty with my husband. I did however tell my husband that there will need to be conditions layed down before I move to his mother that she needs to allow me to take care of the household. So when my husband proposed the conditions to her and she was not happy , he called them to discuss the situation and when the sister, mother and brother came they rant and raved and ended up beating me. My husband didnt even stand up for me, I just held my baby while they beat me, and to a drinking glass and threw at me.My husband ended up with the astma attack and asked them to leave. he seemed upset with them but after a day or he was back on speaking terms with them, He still communicates and call them but still has not asked them to come apologise to me… He now decided to let his mum stay in the house ( which we will be paying ) and we going to look for place to rent , a cottage perhaps:( I am wondering whether I should leave him , whether this marraige is worth it???? please let me know if I am doing the right thing, Clearly he love his mother more than me and my child.
My bf’s moodiness came out after 3 months. I was shocked thinking “what is this? ?”. Then it happened more and more often. Walking on eggshells. .he does go to therapy but unfortunately I don’t think it works. He had a traumatic childhood. He acknowledges he’s depressed and takes medication but he will not admit to being moody. I’m so happy go lucky and laid back that at first I just thought I could pull him out of his moods no problem. But after a while it became exhausting and I realized this was his job not mine. It’s tough-never really goes away. I do love him but if I had known this from the beginning I’d have moved on. Also he wants me with him 24/7. So giving him space doesn’t even work.
I have been with my husband for 9 years and married the last two of those 9. I was slightly reluctant to get married to begin with because we had our issues but things had been getting better or so I thought. The past year has been almost unbearable. I want to leave very badly but he wants to stay together because financially it would be better. I have cheated on my husband and we rarely are close to one another. I don’t feel like we connect on any level. Before things got bad I asked to try counseling and really gave it 100% now I am not even trying. I really feel like I am stuck.
I’m so frustrated I don’t know where to start. If your spouse constantly texts other women about being intimate with them and when he gets caught he gives me this boo hoo episode claims he is sorry don’t wanna lose his marriage but repeat thus act over n over again. We tried counselling but stop going he states he was molested as a child n he needs to feels wanted by a female! Hell I’m his wife but I’m at my end I want out!
May you experience recovery, healing, peace and love in your relationship. May you find life in your marriage, sparks of love in your soul, and sprouts of health in your emotional, physical, and spiritual relationship with your husband. I pray that God revives your marriage and performs a miracle in your relationship with him. May you find practical, healthy ways to deal with these signs your marriage is over – and may they become a ghost of the past.
It’s not always a denial issue. Many people who struggle with depression – and I are one – think “this too shall pass” and that they will somehow snap out of it. So before you call anyone an “idiot”, walk a mile in his/her shoes. You don’t want to sacrifice your life for them, so be it. Don’t. But don’t try to paint it as a character issue. Because so many people view as such, those who struggle with depression often feel ashamed or embarrassed that they need help and can’t just snap out of it.
I don’t want to sound like I have no sympathy for your boyfriend. Life can be tough, especially in light of thwarted dreams, unrealistic expectations, financial instability, flimsy support networks, and run-of-the-mill insecurities. But not everyone deals with things in the same way; and, whether we like it or not, this stuff matters. There are some people who will give up online dating if one email is not returned or give up on relationships just because the last one went bad. Even if this is somewhat “normal,” it’s certainly not a healthy trait. Not for the anxious/moody person, and not for the poor soul who has to be the strong, patient partner. When your boyfriend is unhappy, it’s only normal to want to pull him out of it, to want to flip a switch in the back of his head to get him from pessimist to optimist. Furthermore, when he’s at his worst internally, that’s also when he’s a terrible boyfriend. He obsesses, stays at home, stews in his own juices, and builds up stories about what’s wrong in the world that may not accord with reality. Not only that, but such a boyfriend has nothing to give to the relationship because he’s always dealing with his own mercurial moods.
Me and my husband have been together for almost five years but we have only been married for 6 months. We have a 3 year old and a newborn together. For some reason this pregnancy that I just recently went throuh was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It seems like right when I got pregnant and right when we got married he just started going out and like always hunting all of a sudden when I needed him the most. Everything I say seems to be wrong, he gets defensive no matter what it’s like everyone is out to get him but really everyone is just trying to help him. He drinks every single day and thinks he has no problem, my daughter loves him dearly but I just think I am only staying here for her sake and I know that I should be happy too. I am not sexuall attracted to him what so ever anymore because all he ever does is drink beer and not work half the time and never helps with anything around the house. I am just so done with it all and eveyone I know thinks that I am crazy for even being here at all anymore. I am just so scared of raising two kids on my own because I just feel like I will fail them and it is not their fault that their father doesn’t want to do the right thing and that’s why I am so scared and confuse when it comes to making that final decision. Ugh it is just so hard I am in my twenties and just feel so helpless!!!!
Ultimately the key thing here — whether it’s just moodiness or a more serious depression — is that he feels it’s out of his control. I know how it must feel that way, and that depression (if that’s what Katie’s boyfriend has) can create this vicious cycle where you feel hopeless about life — so why take action to fix it? But that first step is acknowledging the problem and perhaps how it’s affecting you and your loved ones and then getting some help. You can help them down the path a little once they get going, but only they can really take that first important step — which is ultimately one of taking responsibility.
I’m so bummed that this site isn’t for men! I’m 61 and for 39 married years I’ve wanted a wife who’s more emotional, more tender, gentle, understanding, sensual, feminine. Instead she’s bossy, managerial, unemotional, un-tender, right brain dominant to the max, etc! Now I have health issues and boy do I feel alone in this! No comforting from her at all! And sex ended many years ago, and recently I got on testosterone therapy for my overall health and depression, and even tho I’m a little frisky again, she wants no part of that! I’m ready for this marriage to be over! Maybe I can spend whatever years God gives me with a women who can be feminine with me in every respect. And if your wondering if we talk things out, yes we do, and she can only ever understand her side of things because of incredible stubbornness! Thanks for letting me vent!
He told me he has incredibly high expectations for the world and the world simply doesn't meet them. He feels that he needs to hold people accountable to higher expectations and believes the world is "dumbing down", going to a more mediocre way of thinking. After he said that, I asked him why he doesn't change his expectations, if he knows no one will live up to them, wouldn't having lower expectations and having people meet them make him happier? He told me perhaps, but he is unwilling to do that because then the world would win, and he wouldn't be keeping his beliefs. Aaargh!
My husband and I have known each other for 20 years, and been married for the past 8. We have two adorable children who we both cherish. Since having the kids though, 5 years ago, our marriage has become unbearable. My husband has been through serious issues which led to depression, and has to his own belief, now dealt with the issues. During the time of his issues, he had two incidents, at least that I know about, with other women, and over the past 8 years with his behaviour, my trust has been stripped away and I am left with no trust in him whatsoever. He now continues to tell me he wants the marriage and he is in love with me, but I find it hard to believe when after 2 years of trying to work things out, we are still no further along than when we hit rock bottom 2 years ago. He continues to be thoughtless, and my anger and emotions hit sky high every time he stuffs up. I know I should be forgiving, but I find it harder and harder these days. I have told him I hate him and that I want him out. I cannot ever see a loving future between us, and I hate the kids seeing me this way. Also our intimacy has completely gone out the window. We have not been intimate in almost 3 years. It’s so depressing. Although I want the marriage ended, I can’t help thinking “Would I be so angry and upset and emotional, if I no longer cared?” Any advice on whether I should give him a go for the thousandth time, or just cut my losses and run?
At the same time, my husband and I started working on PureCouples. We launched the website in 2016, and I started blogging about marriage and relationships more regularly. Blogging made me feel like I had something to contribute to the world beyond changing diapers and doing laundry. People across the world read my blog and found it helpful, and more importantly, I loved the feeling of satisfaction I got from writing. Writing made me feel like my world had clicked into place.
I have been struggling in my relationship for seven months. I have been in this relationship for almost three years common law and we have a 1.5 year old daighter. We each have a six year old from previous relationships as well. I know I’m settling. He’s brought major financial problems on this home – thankfully we have nothing joint in our finances so it was all in his name- but then I still have to overcompensate on the bills to make HIS half ends meet. He’s proven to be a pathological liar, after this long he still doesn’t accept my six year old son as his own- even though I have fully bonded with his six year old daughter, so much that I have a friendship with his ex. He goes through cycles of atleast 3 days a month where he won’t talk to me not even to respond in small talk- like I don’t exist and he plays mind games this entire time. He’s ripped me off $4000 and now he’s drug himself so far down he can’t really even cover his bills. I’ve almost left multiple times ( actually he’d be the one leaving cause he can’t afford this home) but keep giving him ” one more chance”. I’m not sure if I’m delusional thinking maybe one day he’ll come to the end of himself and grow up and that things will get better. But I’m finding mySelf feeling more trapped and unhappy. 90% of what has kept me here is my daughter I have with him . What do I do? How do I kick someone out that has nothing? How do I avoid being manipulated into giving him another chance ? How do I protect myself from his vindictiveness after I do end it ? Please, any advice will do. Of course there are so many other details but there isn’t enough time or space.
For a loving man, the requests and wishes of his beloved (not friends or distant relatives) will always take first place. In fact, men like to help women — this gives them the opportunity to demonstrate how cool, strong, and responsible they are. Of course, there are situations when a man cannot help, for example, he does not know how to repair a faucet, but he certainly should not leave you alone to deal with this problem — he will call the plumber, instead. However, if the most innocent request, like asking for help changing a lightbulb, is perceived with annoyance and as just “yet another unbearable task,” the relationship is worth reconsidering. Is it possible that your man is helping some other woman and with greater enthusiasm?
In today's article, we will focus on men. We want to show women what frustrates their partners and to what they pay attention to better take care of their husbands. A list of reasons why males are unhappy in a relationship was provided by Womansday.com. Finally, the men revealed what are the most common causes of their dissatisfaction and sadness, and after reading this, we will know what to change in our relationships to make them happy again. Look at our list!
Your article “A Man Won’t Be Happy WITH You, If He’s Not Happy With Himself”. Was very insightful and it made me realize that I’ve been very harsh on my boyfriend lately. I feel like in some way I’ve failed as a girlfriend to be more transparent to his needs. My boyfriend is retired military so much of his training has some type of hand in him being unemotionally available. Plus his job is very very very demanding lately its been tough on him and his health, our relationship. Here I am still standing firm in God and faith that seasons come and go, storms shall pass.
How you handle this will depend upon what, exactly, is the issue. For example, if he is not happy because he feels like he never has any fun or excitement in his life, then you would need to show him that being married to you can be both fun and interesting. Or, if there is an issue that keeps cropping up, it’s probably time to successfully address and eliminate that issue once and for all. It’s very important that he sees you taking swift and decisive action because he needs to believe that the marriage can and will change so that he will remain committed to it.
“When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean,” writes Ellie Lisitsa in The Four Horsemen: Contempt on The Gottman Institute’s blog about strengthening relationships. “Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
Now, it must be said: If you really make it your job to make your partner happy and he (or she) exploits your efforts or never truly reciprocates — never meeting your love with love — you may be in a deal breaker scenario. Despite your best efforts, you may be with someone who is unable or unwilling to love you back and you will probably need to terminate the relationship.
The need to protect their loved ones is also the basis for men while the need to be protected is the basis for women. And although modern men no longer have to protect the weaker sex from predators and wild tribes, there are still dangers in our troubled world. Therefore, it is pretty natural that a loving man becomes worried when his second half comes back from work late or is alone in an unfamiliar place. If he cannot be around, then he’ll at least call her and make sure she’s fine. By protecting a woman from threats, whether real or imaginary ones, a man feels like a superhero.
My name is lizzy I had the same problem , my boyfriend n I had been together for 3 years without seeing him or evn sleeping with him , he always make excuses when we are supposed to have app , I love him so much and I realised he is taking advantage of that I have decided not to call him and chat with him , he alwaays insult me when I text him and complain I loved him so much but eventually I have realised that you can lead a horse to the river but you cannot force it to drink
Sometimes, we offer help in a way we think would feel helpful for us, when really, our partner might need something completely different. For example, offering to give your partner space to process their unhappiness might be the opposite of what they'd like; they may want company. The point here is to ask how they would like to be supported and to do that.
It’s one thing to leave a downer partner you’re casually or seriously dating in order to take care of your own needs, but what happens when you meet and marry a happy person, start having a wonderful life and children together, and then your previously happy partner starts becoming moody/depressed? What if the depression is caused by a terminal illness or some other life-altering event? Do you get a divorce so you can take care of yourself?
You describe a difficult situation. I don't think anyone can CONTROL their emotions but I'm convinced they can INFLUENCE them (by which I mean work to make them more positive—but not by simply deciding to make them more positive). All human beings have executive functions that can, most of the time, mute the effect of negative emotions on behavior (e.g., we can get angry but choose not to yell or hit).
Also I have my children and don’t know how to explain to them about our marriage. But I am just not happy. I see other attractive men and am attracted to them. But have not cheated on my husband and I know he will never cheat on me. I just don’t know I also don’t feel amused by him I feel like a women should be proud of her partner and that’s just not my case. I take care of all the bills and problems of the house and feel like I have so much in my plate. We never go any where because there’s just no money ever. No vacation no nothing I think that has also taken a toll on me. I feel like am ready for something different. I cry every time after we have inter course just because I don’t feel anything I pretty much have to fake. And it hurts because this is not a life I want I feel and know that I have so much more ahead of me. But his low self esteem is what holds me back. Because he does love me but the feeling is not mutual.
A year later, I still wake up crying and enraged. Because I moved to another continent for his (what I thought was ) temporary job, I am far from my community of close friends and my family. I have a few good friends here but not like at home. In talking with other single moms, I have chosen to stay out of the court sytem. I will seek a property settlement first and then in a year (at almost 50 years old), try to make it happen to finally GO HOME , with my daughter. And even then, I know it will not be easy. She will be in her mid-teens by then and I will be bringing her up on my own. But, then it will be up to her father to decide what his priorities are. This is not the life I wanted for me, for her, for any of us. I never, never would have done this to him. NEVER!
He Might Mean That Some Aspect Of The Marriage Is Falling Short: Often men will offer you vague, sweeping statements about your marriage when in reality, they aren’t happy with one or two aspects of it that have become very problematic. And there are many possible causes of this. Just some examples are not enough intimacy, differences about money, him feeling as if he is tied down or doesn’t have enough autonomy in his life, or him feeling like marriage isn’t what he expected.
After getting home from a long day of work, do you and your spouse immediately go your separate ways? And when you're at parties, do you tend to drift apart and do your own thing? If you'd rather be alone than with your husband, it probably doesn't seem like there's much of a point in being in a relationship in the first place. Getting a little time apart is one thing, but the trouble really starts when you'd rather be apart.