Every human heart is like a vessel. It longs to be filled to full capacity, but it can only be filled satisfactorily by the love of God. If your spouse’s heart is not complete by a relationship with Jesus then they will always be lacking. For a time they may try to fill that void with you, and when that doesn’t work they may try to fill it with pornography or even with another woman. This is not your fault, and we as women must realize this.
If you're hoping to build something long-term, it's important that you plan a little bit together or be willing to cooperate and remain flexible. If your partner discusses their own future and doesn't imagine you as part of it then they're probably not planning on building a future with you. This could mean marriage, kids, or even just your bucket list.
5. Keep an open mind: This goes for a lot of things (seriously, just try the restaurant he wants you to try), but we are specifically talking in the bedroom. Everybody has different tastes, and if you want to keep your love life exciting (visit Babeland for ideas and inspiration), it’s wise to approach sex with a relaxed, non-judgmental attitude. As long as it doesn’t hurt you or throw your moral compass out of whack, adopt an “I’ll try anything once and twice if I like it” attitude. And if he’s into something you just can’t get down with? Try super hard not to let him know you think his kink is weird or gross. Most people have already had enough sexual shame to last them a lifetime (thanks, abstinence-only sex education!).
I gave all i had. I revolved my entire life around him. I tried to fix him, so many bad things happened to him and i tried to be his rock, his strength. To show him that someone truly loved him. And he used how much i cared to take full advantage of me. And i felt him start to push me away. I knew after 3 years it was coming. He said he didnt want a relationship. Then said he was sorry and theres still hope. Then never said goodbye to me. Its been a week of nothing from him. I said goodbye over text in a moment of weakness, and he didnt even say goodbye. Just that hes been busy and loves me. Too busy to say goodbye to someone who loved him unconditionally for 3 years. But not too busy to be all over social media. To be laughing at my pain. To show just how little i meant and how little i effect his life. I cant remember how to even live and hes living as if i was never anything to him. Its honestly killing me. I spend 90% of my days crying and wishing i was gone. I have a perfect son, i have a lot to be thankful for, i know that. But i cant see through this. Nothing feels good. All i think about is him. All i want is him to care about me. But nothing can be fixed. We will never be together again. There isnt a world that exists where we end up together. Its like i know but i cant accept it. I have no one to talk to and im drowning.
After confronting him, he told me he needs time and space to think if he wants to be in the relationship… he has been arrogant towards me and insensitive too… I went to talk to him, telling him we are about to make a big commitment for a house and it will be a new beginning something we can focus and it will be so nice… and i’ve asked him to text the girl to tell her that they need to end the friendship but he refused… i was hurt again…
I have been married for almost 30 years. 11 years ago, my husband cheated on me. While we have tried to put things back together, I feel it has been a one way street. I know that since that he has not physically cheated, however I have found out that he has lied to me once again. He works very hard, and our lives right now are very stressful. I found out that he has been talking to a young woman for the last 3 months. She is an escort for a call girl service. He said that he knew talking to her was wrong, and has since stopped. He said it was a friend of one of his workers and she called on his cell because the worker’s cell was shut off. My husband swears to me that he wants to put all of this behind us and start all over. He says he feels differently now and wants to build a better future for us. He says that he promises to be the husband he should be. He went out of town on a business trip right after all of this happened. Yes, I know it is for work, because he stayed with a business partner and his wife who happen to be a friend. My husband is coming home tonight and I really am not sure if I should give him another chance. I have nowhere to go and no money to survive by myself. Any ideas?
I am a doer, not a talker, and I will not sit by and be part of a train wreck that I can clearly see, whether it is mental or physical. If I have a boyfriend who has cancer, and he will not seek help, I will not stand by for X number of months or years in anguish just to go down with him. If he is going to doctors, getting treatments, I would stand by him and hold his hand on his deathbed. None of the posters said anything about abandoning anyone. I would stay with my Asperger man and help him navigate through this, if he wanted the help! What I will not do is stand there and be collateral damage.
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Evan, this is very timely for me! I wrote about the bf with undiagnosed Aspergers. The relationship became pure hell. I was the only one trying to work around his disorder, and the drama and depression that comes with it, he refused to acknowledge he even had it, and when I tried to talk to his family about it they got mad at me! Everyone wanted me to just accept him as he is, because that is the way “God made him and God loves him”. I have three things to say about that: 1) I am not God, I am a person with my own needs, desires, and issues 2) I was getting completely worn out trying to tap dance around the disorder and I was starting to feel like I was going nuts myself, and 3) God helps those who help themselves. I am not saying he is not worthy of God’s love or my love. I am saying, he is not worth sacrificing MY LIFE and MY HAPPINESS for.
Love leads to many things good and bad but perhaps one of the most challenging is the way it links our happiness to the happiness of others. This connection largely explains why we often become frustrated or angry with the ones we love: in loving them, we frequently come to feel they're actually a part of us, and if they behave in a way we don't like, we feel an urge to put a stop to their behavior as if it were our own; their behavior may wound us and directly injure our own happiness, and our attempts to change it may be motivated out of a desire to make ourselves happy; and finally, we may genuinely respect the lives of those we love as distinctly separate from ours but feel frustrated or angry that they're acting in a way we think will harm their happiness.
My ex-husband had a long term affair with a woman from work for several years. He had a baby with another women when we were only married for two years. He never cooked or cleaned until a coworker started cooking lunch for me, after 20 years of marriage, no matter how often I asked him. Then he accused me of having an affair with the coworker who prepared lunch for me and told all of our friends that I was having an affair. He put antifreeze in the water bottle I keep in the refrigerator to drink after my walk. When I confronted him he grabbed the water bottle out of my hand and the antifreeze and left the house. When he came back he did not have my water bottle or the antifreeze and told me no one would ever believe me. Many times I received calls from work or from his sister wondering where he was and lecturing me on how he was being irresponsible by consistently being absent when he was supposed to be there. He never gave me or the kids a gift for Christmas or our birthdays and charged lingerie from Victoria Secrets to our joint account. He also took all the money saved from our 20 year marriage and put in a his own personal account. He took the money from our brokerage account as well and I was unable to find it. He took all the money from our kids college funds and spent it. I would say these were pretty good signs that the marriage was over before it even started. It was a shame it took me 20 years to wise up.
This same approach should be applied to the other things he does that may bother you from time to time. Don't get hung up about things, and if he does something that you really dislike, just let him know. Holding on to little things and petty grudges is not a good idea for you or your husband. Many of the little annoyances you may have you will forget about in a few weeks anyway, so it is not worth it to get upset over them.
And yet, if a man sees that something is very important to you, he will make an effort to listen to you attentively, even if this topic is completely uninteresting to him. When he loves you, he won’t leave you without attention. But if he keeps changing the topic or runs away using different excuses whenever you try to talk, most likely, your worries do not bother him. Accordingly, he is not going to participate in the resolution of any issues that may come up during the relationship.
If your married and you go and listen to your Husband’s ex’s what is this a sign of??? My marriage is about to end and my wife has let my 3 ex’s into our marriage… She said that she was a woman of GOD but who does this… Do you find this action immature at some point… Then she did bring in baggage from an early marriage etc… We could never talk after she started talking to them… She said it was better to talk with them than me… So I left the house… She has 4 kids that I was taking care of that were not mine… She never looked at this… Each night was about the ex’s etc… I grew tired of this abuse and I felt it was time to move on… Then the looking in my phone… Then asking me why I don’t cheat on her etc… When her ex’s all 3 did cheat on her… Give me your thoughts please of what is wrong with her because she thinks she is perfect and nothing is wrong with her… I am the problem…
Thank you… although it has been months in a loveless, no affection and no passion relationship, i still held on thinking things would change but he finally told me after me forcing him to talk to me that he doesn’t love or care for me any more and he can not force himself…. its day one and it hurts as hell, messed up thing is we will live together with a toddler… I am spinning… do not know what to do or where to go!
Great article Steve, one of the best I have read so far on GMP. It applies to more than just marriages, it includes all depending on others for happiness. One of the consequences that can flow from going the change route to be responsible for your own happiness is that it can mean the end of your relationship which may have been a reality regardless. To minimise the risk of this you need to consider how you will effectively communicate your change needs with your partner and be prepared for negotiation around a win win solution. This also might require… Read more »
Very well put Lily. I have an ex boyfriend who had me rolling on the floor with laughter at times. The exBF still calls frequently and makes me laugh. However, he is an alcoholic and unfortunately I have found many of the comedians are. The ExBF does turn his humor on me during disagreements, which is what I mean by calling him unstable. He also would occasionally heckle absolute strangers which I found humiliating and immature. So even though 70% of the time he was amazing and kind.. the rest of the time I wondered if he will embarrass me or tease someone of a more delicate constitution than I have, like my children. I decided that he was a liability and untrustworthy although still there is no one who is more fun or knows me better or loves me more than he in the world. He simply was out of control of himself part of the time.
I don't think he is or would have an affair. I think that he still wants to try to have a sucessful and happy marriage, but neither one of us is certain how to accompllish it. He doesn't like to share his feelings with me until he can't handle them anymore. He told me that at the point when he finally does tell me, he says he is never sure how I'll react. After he tells me, he says he ends up feeling guilty ( I'm a very easy crier) and then wishes he had kept his mouth shut. I do have depression, and have been this way since we met, so this is nothing he didn't know. He also expressed that he's been feeling very cynical and angry towards me for reasons he can't explain. For example- I am directionally challenged (driving directions). On a recent trip he got mad that I had us going in circles. When I told him that getting mad at me was not going to make me better at reading a map, he took the map and curtily showed me where we were, etc. He used that recent experience as an example of how his attitude toward me has changed. I just don't know what to do. He's right- personalities don't change, and I now realize that our relationship isn't where it was two years ago. I love him so much and am ready to fight (figuratively speaking) to make our marriage stronger from this experience.
Twenty years is quite a commitment. Do you have children that just graduated high school or college? Have you let yourself go? Is he having a midlife crisis? Is he healthy? Sometimes people just need their space. Sometimes this will heal, and sometimes this will divide. My initial advice is unless You are looking for an excuse to end it for sure, let it go. Ignore him and go on like he never said a thing. “I told my wife long ago I was leaving, she ignored me” I am still here and faithful to this day.
1. You want a partner who gets the joke. This is a non-negotiable. If you think you’re funny, you’d better be with someone who actually agrees with you. My former writing partner had a girlfriend who thought he was cute and smart, but didn’t find him funny at all. This drove him crazy, since he thought being funny was one of his most valued traits.
just tell him, be honest, if its something his doing than he can work on and you think you can be happy again well than tell him that...if its just you dont want to be with him at all tell him...its hard but people break up with there boyfriends and girlfriend every second or people get dumped every second thats part of life and thats part of dating, he will move on. dont be mean about it, dont make it harder for him than it already will be...but hey you never know maybe he feels the same way and it will be mutal and easy for both of you...
I’m Indian and Married to Romanian (Girl). We used to work in same company but on different locations and fall in love, it was kind of distance relationship..but something unbelievable. Almost 6 months we talked like this way and then decided to marry..She reached to India and we married. As our decision was to stay in Romania I accompany her there…In the beginning things were beautiful but gradually sweet turned in to sour…I take all responsibility as I was scared for my career…cause of global economy downfall I could get no job in Romania. Whenever I try talked about on this matter to my wife she got upset….she always said there are many people jobless don’t worry I am with you..but my esteem was not allowing me to sit back and peruse life on my wife’s salary…my biggest frustration not was, I have no job but I could do nothing for her….whenever we used to go out I could buy nothing for her and I always felt so bad, being a husband I was not able to do what I need to (take care of her by all means) it pinched me always…..
If your relationship has become one big boring routine, that's not good. If you guys always do the same thing - get food at the same place, watch TV, see a movie or lay in bed - it's a sign that something is wrong. You need to switch things up in order for there to be excitement. It's easy to fall into that pattern, but what matters is how you get out of it. My boyfriend and I do the same thing a lot during the week, but on weekends we try to have special date nights. We also always try to go on little vacations or go skiing. If you're not doing this stuff, it's probably because you're really bored.
One option is to give yourself what your husband can’t give you. For instance, he is not there for you when you’re sick or stressed out. It’s all about him, because he’s selfish. So you need to accept that he can’t give you what you need, and you have to find ways to give yourself the love, compassion, and kindness that you need. Maybe that means making friends who will nurture you, or listening to music that makes you feel better, or writing your feelings down.
I am hoping that by typing out my woes I will be able to come to a decision on what I should do. In my relationship of 5 1/2 years when it is good it is very very good but when it goes bad it is awful. Currently we do not live together as I have had to move to another town to support youngest sons education. Organising to do this was fraught with difficulty. Lots of sulking and accusations of you don’t love me etc. In the end I just went ahead and did it. My husband is not my son’s father. After I told him that he was an abusive man and I was not going to put up with it any longer he went and got some counselling. It seem to help. Things have been good, not ideal but good until this weekend. We had an argument and one of the things he said to me “when it comes to the important thnings we just can’t communicate about it”. He also said that “you have a really long memory and that he has no doubt that what we were arguing about will come back to haunt him”. The thing is that what we were arguing about I agreed with the decision that had to be made. That was the Friday night. Saturday night I ring him up and after the usual pleasantries he launched into a tirade and said that he was going to this, this and this. He then said that he guessed that there wasn’t much else to talk about and hung up. I was stunned and realised that things haven’t really changed at all. The only difference being that because we have been separated and because we haven’t been living together it has lessened the impact of negative behaviour. Now I know logically I should ring him back and say that I understand that the decision needed to be made and i am not disagreeing with him but I don’t like the way he went about it. This decision is extremly difficult and emotional for me and he has not acknowledged that in any way. I always feel that it is me trying to make right with him. Also I have a chronic health condition and have been told to minimise stress as much as possible. It is all about him and his money. I guess what saddened me most is that I have realised that he hasn’t actually changed at all, it has just been sleeping. I am scheduled to move back with him beginning of next year but now I am wondering if it is going to be right for me. Perhaps this blow up over the weekend is a message to me.
We have been married for 14 years with a 13 year old boy. We both love our kid very much. Recently was been told by a friend that a guy is coming into my house whenever me and my son are not around. This has been going on quite some time (not so sure long). Then I check her phone bills and there a many phone call from her to this guy for past months. First when I heard it, I was in dilemma and wondering about it. So what I did is to ask my best friend to look it. So I got the opportunity when I was not around on that weekend and my son got a football game in the school. She told me that he starts at 8 am finish about 10.30 am. I ask my friend to pass my house and see what is going on. About 8.45 he called me and said that there is motorcycle inside the parking porch and noted the number bearing this guy’s number. Then I call her and she said that she is busy cleaning the house. From then on my heart really broken and wondering why must this happen to me! I lost my peace, sleep, lost appetite and feeling very angry about it.
DJ, thank you for the acknowledgement. I really appreciate it. I’m almost ashamed to admit I wasn’t really hit that hard in the breakup. I relocated across the country when we moved in together, so I got out of touch with most of my old friends over time. But we both worked full-time, we weren’t married and didn’t have kids so there were no real financial issues. I’ve got new outlets for my hobbies, and new friends over time, so I’m really doing fine today. Except for the “emotional connection” part. After a long-distance relationship for over a year before… Read more »
Me and my husband were great to begin with now he just cannot be bothered with anything to do with me at all. He is all for our daughter and leaves me out completely. He is also sneaking out late at night. i still love him but this is hard to take. We have been together seven years and I’m only 26 I don’t wanna be a divorcee in my twenties!!!!! please help!!!!
My husband is not interested in having sex with me anymore. When there is a fight, he always says” Isn’t it enoough for me to bear you and bear your big mouth” He repeats this comment a lot. He is not interested in going out with me and children as we used to be in the past. I take the children all by myself. He comes from work and he is on facebook till very late at night. when I approach him for intimate relationship, sometimes he says I am tired. I am the one who always approach him In my country it is not easy to ask for a divorce. I have kids. He spends money on them. I don’t think I am going to have another relationship with anybody. How am I going to save this marriage? He has changed.
@lonelyinacrowd. Yes, i hear you and i am in the same boat. Five children and here I remain. Fot their sakes! We have been in seperate rooms for 4 years now and just for the record, that affects the kids just as much. I worry about the impression we are making on our children by leading these seperate lives under one roof. Kids are so perceptive at all age levels. My four year old came home from a playdate at her friends house and bursing through the door she said in disgust :’mom, guess what! Kate’s mom and dad SHARE a room’ (she of course thinks thats its appalling bad luck to have to share as in our house, it is an eldest child’s privilege to have their own room)
Whether you suspect and feel, or your husband told you directly that he’s not that happy with your marriage, that kind of knowledge certainly makes you an unhappy wife. Instead of falling in the infinite circle of mutual accusations, it would be much more constructive to play maturely, take responsibility and see what is that you could do about it.
I have been wondering too. I like Lia’s take– that we all have senses of humour– just different ones. I get so tired of grade 7 bodily function humour. I like Senfield humour and slapstick. My boyfriend is all about bodily function stuff, and I don’t know what to do. He is awesome in every other way, but he keeps trying to make me laugh with this otber stuff. He was really popular in Middle school and highschool with amunition like making fun of people’s names, and bodily function stuff. It doesn’t offend, just not funny. When Evan said, ” if you think you are funny, maybe you should be with someone who thinks you are…” makes me think that person isn’t me?? I’m not funny myself, but it’s usually been super easy for people to make me laugh. Just not this person😟
M 23. I got married 8 months ago. it was a love marriage. we dated for 2 years before getting married and we were madly in love. but since our wedding, things have not turned out they way they should have. we are just fighting all the time and abusing each other. all this started with his family misbehaving with me. i could cpe up with that and i reacted. he said he couldn’t take a word against them. and gradually we have stopped being physically intimate and this morning he said he doesn’t love me anymore the way he did. is it really over???
I have a confession. Sometimes, when my partner is distracted, I just look at him and wonder, what the hell is happening in that head of his? It's not that he doesn't communicate. He does. But I still wonder sometimes if he's really happy in our relationship. I know I can't be alone in this. Wouldn't we all love to be able to know for sure what's in the hearts and minds of our partners at any given moment? I do my best to look for the signs he's not happy in the relationship, but I can't help but wish someone very smart would hurry up and develop that mind reading tech already.
Thank you all with the replys they are so encouraging. My live in boy friend of 6 years just told me about a week ago that he is Not happy anymore and we are not going anywhere. So I’ve been wondering why is he still here. And is this just something that will pass. I’m confused as to why he is still here. I know He is Not cheating. I work I pay bills I cook when I’m not too tired from work I clean do laundry so I know its not me..
Hi. Im no expert but if he can stop to care about her feelings he can stop to care about your feelings if he loves you. Sometimes i believe some men get a little to selfish because they feel the love we have for them. But make him see that if he can’t stop seeing her then your of the menu too “so to speak”. Make him decided what’s more important. That way you can also find some one who can make you happy whether its him or someone else. That’s my thought good luck!
He'd started to act grumpy again and we talked about it, but he said he had no time to see a counselor. Then Sunday he said he was going to hang with a buddy. I don't know why, but I got a really bad feeling, so I drove to where he said he was and he wasn't there. I called him and he made up a lie, and then another one and another one. He was willing to drive drunk to try and cover up what he was doing even. I went home and he went home. He cried and said he'd been doing coke that day and didn't want me to know. He said he had lied about it several times lately and felt terrible.
Many women stay in relationships longer than they should because they tend to put the needs of others before their own. And since women often naturally take on the role of caretakers, they can lose parts of their own identity — and a sense of their own needs — in the process. "In order to face her relationship unhappiness, a woman needs to stop distracting herself by putting other people's needs ahead of her own," says Gadoua. "Doing this can be a way of avoiding her own painful truth." So if you find yourself getting unnecessarily involved in a fight between your mother and sister, or you're always rushing around trying to make other people's lives easier, it might be time to take a hard look at your own relationship.