Me and my husband have been together for 12 years and married for 6 we have 2 children we have hit a really rocky patch, he was working 18 hours shifts no intemacy and i had a gambling problem. this week i have caught him cheating he has been leaving and coming back for the last month and in that time he formed a relationship with a local know marriage wrecker she prays on relationships that she knows are going through tough times. i initially threw him out, but i have taken him back but i am struggling with the images, im struggling with all the lies that has been told, and i am struggling with the fact that he is defending her. I really love him and i want to get us through this, but im not sure how to re build our relationship?
It turns out that even monkeys are able to feel jealous of their partners around other males. Jealousy arose in the course of evolution as a way to maintain the integrity of the couple. A man is wired so that subconsciously he wants to declare his rights to a woman and to be the only “owner” of her beauty. Therefore, it is quite natural that your man starts to get nervous when someone pays attention to you. But people, of course, are not monkeys, and bouts of excessive jealousy will only harm the relationship.
It took me a long while to realize my marriage was really over. I’ve been married 45+ years and right from the ‘I DO’s’ things turned horrible. We managed to have sex and intimacy on our wedding night, but that was short lived. Sex lasted maybe 20 minutes and he stayed in bed maybe another hour, then sat out by the pool the rest of the night. The next was an eye opener for me, first he told me how disgusting, messy, smelly, pointless, meaningless, vile to the point of him vomiting. We were suppose to go on a honeymoon, that never happened a total waste of money we really didn’t have. He took me home and said tonight I’m going to start working midnights and also I will be moving to the basement. He started eating, sleeping down stairs, also he built a apartment which didn’t include me. He worked all the time weekends, holiday’s, every one else’s vacation(he never took any of his vacation) according to his boss and the security people he slept in his station wagon at work a lot. One good thing he did do was pay all bills we owed, he never complained that I bought a new car and when I ran up good size bills on my credit card. He just seemed to hate me, wouldn’t talk to me, be with me and ignored me. Was my marriage over yes it was right from the beginning. I stayed because I was scared to go out on my own, I did have a beautiful roof over my head, had good benefits, and he pays the bills. I don’t care about myself or him, my days are winding down and it will be over for one of us.
For those out there considering marriage. Make sure you weigh the pros and cons regarding your pre marriage situation before jumping on the marriage bandwagon. Marriage is difficult and takes time and patience and above all…outstanding communication. Without communication and support…your marriage will eventually fade to nothing but an ugly sunset.
From a woman’s point of view, you need to get out. For the sanity of yourself, and your children. Your wife has little to no respect for you, and from what you’ve said, herself. Her values are also not anywhere near in line with your own, as she believes that her actions are justifiable. I once was the woman who took advantage of wonderful, goodhearted men, and who cared about nothing more than having my ego fed. It is impossible to be in a relationship with a selfish person, unless you are a glutton for neglect and abuse. The fact that she is taking no responsibility for her actions, and manipulating you in a way that is intended to make you feel guilty for her wrong doings, also validates the fact that she is not only out for her own self indulging ways, but also that she has such little respect for you that she sees you as nothing more than a pawn. With you, she can have the upright lifestyle. Successful husband, children, home.. but because of your leniency in letting her manipulate you, she can also have her second life, for those she doesn’t mind displaying that too. I am not for divorce, at all. I believe that a couple must do everything in their power to rectify their marriage, ESPECIALLY when children are involved. However, there comes a time when you must stop slamming your head against the brick wall and accept that there is sometimes no way of changing a person, or their priorities. I suggest you file for divorce, and allow your wife to live the life that she seems to gravitate too. Remain an excellent father, for it seems you are the one who is most levelheaded and who your children must rely on, and move on. Those with a good heart, must be paired with someone who nurtures that heart, not destroys it. I know you may not yield to my advice, I was once the person on the victim side of an unhealthy relationship, but once you get out, you will be free of the emotional strain that this woman holds on your life. I wish the best for you, and for your children. All I ask is that through the process of divorce, if you choose to take that route, do not let anger or resentment rob you of the dignity and respect you deserve, from all parties.. most importantly your kids.
This is just a good standard practice in a relationship, and it’s great for nudging a loved one out of a slump. It involves really seeing them, the contributions they make, and highlighting them. If your partner works long hours and then takes on a lot of the work at home in the evenings so that you can pursue your passions, acknowledge them for that. If they’re giving of their time and patience with your family, let them know you notice that.
"Time delays between the time you send a message or leave a voicemail seem to get longer when one of you is not as thrilled with the relationship as they once were," he says. If you're just super busy, or jet-setting, don't fret so much, he adds. "This doesn’t apply to those with jobs or travel that make regular conversations difficult, but you can definitely tell when a pattern of detachment is beginning." Time for a chat.
We are brought up with the expectation that men are supposed and expected to be pursuers. Not every woman will go after a man who “goes to the mountain like a lion” to paraphrase DJ (from another discussion). Or rather, not every man will have a woman following him there. So we just disqualify ourselves from the available gene pool. I think that “self-reliance” mostly is about the definition we put in the word. Not ever listening to advice or suggestions, and/or bulldozing other people for having different opinions, is also forms of self-reliance. Sure, I don’t need a spouse… Read more »
something I forgot to add about how I made myself better was focusing on smaller accomplishments. I can't save the world, but I can make my little corner of the community better. I also focused more on not trying to make others happy in and of itself. Others had expectations for me, but those were not mine. I stopped caring so much about what others defined as success. Especially, what family wanted from me. I am /r/childfree, and happy about it. It took a while for my parents to realize they were not getting grandchildren from me, and for them to be OK with it. No guilt on my part.
I guess ypu already know the answer. But you just want someone else to give you that little push. Darling, there is a whole world out there for you to explore. So many wonderful experiences are waiting for you. You have no time to be unhappy. If a person is not treating you right, let him go. It might feel difficult at first. But trust me, life is amazing without the toxic people in your life. And if he really cares about you, he will come back. And if he doesn’t come back be happy to be free from such a toxic relationship. Its a win win situation.
Whether it snuck up on you over the course of a few years, or it dawned on you suddenly one night, I have to say — it's great that you noticed. Not everyone picks up on problems in their relationship, or takes the time to assess the situation. Even your partner might not realize they're projecting negative vibes, or that they're unhappy. So consider it a step in the right direction that you've realized something's wrong.
One warning sign would be that your relationship is totally sexless, says sex and relationship therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D. — or if you're having sex less than 10 times a year. After all, she says, it's intimacy that separates a romantic relationship from all other sorts of relationships you might have. "When that's going out the window, it's a really big red flag." Jane Greer, relationship therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, says that a lack of visible physical affection — like kissing or hugging — is also indicative of a real problem.