Well I ended up dropping off his stuff and even though he didn’t agree to talk to me that night he said that we could talk the next day. So we set up a time and I came over and we talked. Our conversation didn’t really seem like it went anywhere. Seemed like the exact conversation he gave me the night he ended things. But checking out his apartment everything was the same. He still had a puzzle we put together on the floor, my dogs chew toy in the corner, and our framed pictures and ticket memory box right next to the tv. Am I reading into things that there’s still a chance since he hasn’t tossed any of that or hid it away.
This may put pressure on you and make you feel self-conscious, and it should. The fact is, you conquer a man's heart by conquering what's in his pants, like no other woman ever could. Everything after that is easier. Yet again, this night needs to be different than in the past. It should not remind you too much of the time you were together before, it needs to be better.
Jaimie, That sounds incredibly painful and heartbreaking! I’m so sorry to hear about your husband having an affair with a woman from work. It’s devastating. Here’s the good news: You’re his wife, she’s just a mistress. Wives always have the power and mistresses are on very thin ice. There’s every reason to be hopeful that you can save your marriage and make it better than ever. I’d love to see you get some support with this ASAP. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move for your relationship at the link below. You will find it very valuable:
A lot of people think that when they implement Radio Silence (No contact) with their Ex Bf, that it is all about denying them or punishing them. But that is not it at all. It is really about allowing your Ex Boyfriend time to get over his anger and resentment and sort through his feelings. Make no mistake, bitterness is usually just hovering over a break up couple and your guy might be holding on to his fair share. So allow for some space. Once the ugly thoughts are out of his mind, the good thoughts and memories will eventually return as he will most assuredly start missing you, sometimes terribly.
This has supported a lot of what I’ve been doing. My husband had an affair with a coworker and is currently at his parents trying to work out what he wants. He’s not with her or me at the moment and it’s KILLING me. I’m trying very much to keep a lid on my emotions, and when he told me the other night we was going out with work friends as I was leaving, I panicked and cried in private. When I returned to pick up kids he reassured me that he wanted to send me pics of the men he was out with so he didn’t think he was being shady. He volunteered this information. I’m very much concentrating on myself and hoping he comes back to me, as I love him very much. I just hope he does make some moves towards a relationship with me at some stage. I fear he may not.
Hi Tanisha….it is unclear just how invested he is in the relationship. Perhaps one way to find out is to utilize No Contact. You should take a look at a book I wrote called, Ex Recovery Pro. In it I offer a blueprint on all the things you should consider and do. You can learn more about it in my website’s Menu Section under “Products”. It may help you with the path you should take.
So hear I am 30 days no contact, regularly going to my spin classes again, buying furniture for my new condo, focusing on me...but I feel like an emotional basket case most days still and no phone number to reach him. I really wanted to spend more time with him I feel as though it was cut short and I was still in the honeymoon excited about the future phase. What should I do? Short of showing up at his door step or writing a letter I have no means of contact (except social media). I was hoping I would hear from him soon and hoping he realizes that he made a mistake...any advice would be helpful
It was then that I started NC (I had to tell him what I was going to do because we call and text so often). I'm hoping that this will work because I do want him back, but he seemed very unhappy (and slightly angry) when I told him that his actions are confusing me but he cannot make a decision on which girl to go for. And honestly, I was hoping during this NC, he will learn how to live without me (and vice versa). However, this situation is different as he has another girl to console him. Will this still work out happily for me?
This is a good article. I probably broke some rules. My girlfriend broke with me three weeks ago, she blocked me from social media except from emails. We'd been emailing us but last night she told me that she wants to recover peace and happyness. I accept to prove her needy. We'd been together for four years. Hopefully in the no contact time she would miss me, as I do miss her. Today I sent her a text message with a flower, wishing her a good day and reminding that she is more beautiful than the flower. I would try the 30 days challenge.
Annette, I’m sorry to hear about the stressful situation you’re in with your husband. I hear that you want to save your relationship and I admire that you’re so committed and that you came here for help. I’m confident that you can revitalize your marriage and make it better than it’s been for a long time! We are here to support you in getting loved and cherished and adored! I know that may sound crazy right now, but it’s very possible for you from what you’ve shared with me here. I’m not sure if you have the Six Intimacy Skills yet, but if not, that’s the first thing to do. Get your hands on the book, The Empowered Wife, which lays them out step-by-step. You can read a free chapter here:
It's always better to be late than never realizing the mistakes made at all. You definitely didn't ruin your chances or made a mistake in texting him about no contact, and as you've said, no contact should ultimately be for your benefit as its meant to pick yourself up from the breakup and become a better version of yourself, which should in turn convince your ex to come back when he sees the changes.
Just an update on this situation... So we broke up about 3 weeks ago and I am currently about half way through no contact and last night realised he’d friended a girl on Facebook and Instagram. I am fairly certain they have met and hit it off and are most likely seeing eachother now. However he doesn’t post much so I know he won’t be posting pictures of them together so I will never know for sure what is happening. But... How do I go about reaching out now? Should I stick to the plan I originally had about reaching out once no contact period is done or does something need to change in my plan because of the possibility of him seeing someone?
You are not alone. Many women have come through my doors wanting to save their marriages when their husband was still sleeping with another woman. As hard as it is for them to choose faith over fear, when they learn the 6 Intimacy Skills, what I see time and time again is that the wife attracts him back home, and the mistress is out of the picture. A wife with the Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress any day of the week and twice on Sundays!
Hi Andrea….its OK, we all make mistakes after a breakup. I don’t know anyone that has not. Are you following the plan I lay out in my ebooks? It is good to have a comprehensive blueprint to help you along. I think the best way to go on is to go forward in focusing your own healing and having a plan. He seems a little testy right now. In the No Contact Rule Book (ebook I wrote), I talk all about how the whole process works and if it is worth staying in it longer or stopping it sooner. Go check it out if you feel you can use a helpful guide!
I seriously need help…we’ve been together for 17yrs, in Feb last yr he sold our house. Since then we’ve lived apart. He said he’d try the whole time but didn’t make much effort. I did. Still am. He told me at Easter that we sre through for good & wanted a divorce but I’m desperate to stop it. Yet even though she’s sticking to his guns, he has said things, indicated things, comments, remarks, bit of jealousy which says to me its not that he really wants. I know he has trust issues due to me venting to guys to understand men’s minds. He never used to talk, never communicated deeply and stuck his head into his Xbox and doing his own thing instead. He thought I was cheating on him even though I never have. Hes the love of my life, soulmate and other half as he even admitted to me AFTER all the rubbish we went through. It was no influence from me so I know it was from his heart and he meant it. Personally I think its because we’ve been apart so long now and he thinks I’m up to something when I’m not. All I do is what I promised him and fight for us. I want him back so bad. I cry like a baby, sobbing every day. Miss him so much. He’ll talk about anything but us. Must be something I can do.
2. Take ownership for your role– The only thing you can do with an unwilling spouse is to change yourself. That means acknowledging your role in the relationship’s collapse. You are both equally responsible for your relationship getting to this point. Even if you did nothing but let it coast on autopilot, entropy takes effect and the disconnect grows unless you are actively investing energy. Discover what you were doing that led to an environment that prompted your spouse to pull away. Get conscious about what you could have been doing more of to keep connected. As you become more aware of your role in the relationship, you can begin implementing positive changes. When your spouse sees you shift, he/she may respond in kind.
“As uncomfortable as it is to admit it, we contribute to the problems in our relationships. Jack helped me to see how I could react differently, which empowered me and encouraged me to continue to work at it. It is a process, but all of his counsel has proved to be effective. I would recommend him to anyone who is willing to face the truth and grow.”
There may be many unresolved feelings he hasn't dealt with since officially breaking up as he continued to distract himself, first with you and subsequently with the new girl. That new person has probably helped him detach himself from the lingering feelings of you since he has someone new to focus on, but if it's genuinely a rebound, it won't be long before he begins to think about you again, especially if since the breakup, you've been spending time focusing on self-improvement and making changes to your life.
I wana try this,it’s just that i’m not sure if it’s gonna work because my ex broke up with me for the fact that he wanted to live for God and that all the dating and the sex will no longer be right,i tried telling him how much i love him but he is just so stubborn,he just suddenly changed,it was not like we weren’t happy,he just came up with it and that was it,we broke up.
Men and women handle their thinking and their emotions in different ways. In general, men are much better at separating their work life from their family life, their sex from their romance, and their lover from their wife. They can have all these mental “boxes” and mentally jump from one to another throughout the day. Out of sight is out of mind.
At first, there was anger in his voice when he said it. It gave me some hope. Maybe he’s just raging. Maybe he’ll come around once he cools down. But the more he said it, the less angry he got. The more he said it, the more pain and sadness was embedded in his voice. And that’s how I knew it was real. Because I could hear how much he didn’t want to leave, but how he knew he should.
It was just a mask. Beware, as if you both go back to your old ways of arguing and dealing with problems, you'll get back to where you were – apart. Don't let that happen. Don't get lazy and don't take things for granted. The first few weeks of being together again as also the first few weeks where he's most likely to “run for his life” and leave you or just decide that you shouldn't have gotten back together in the first place.
My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me. I'm having a hard time dealing with it and I think I'm afraid move on without him. He left 2 months ago for work and started acting different and distant through text. I would always reassure him and let him know that I would stay and wait for him to come back, but he still broke up with me. I still love him and I don't want it to be over.
Currently in No contact now with my Long Distance Ex Girlfriend of 3 amazing months (was going to fly out next months to see her for 3 months, before we broke up), went through August in a "Pause" (Her idea) was limited contact during August and asked her beginning of September what was going on... she said Nothing was going on! and said she doesn't have time for a relationship, she wouldn't take my calls either! Our Relationship went sour after she snapped at me beginning of August after I woke her up (she has a bad heart and he not sleeping and with her stress at work she ended up in hospital that weekend, she blames me for trying to kill her)... That weekend was just horrendous on her and me... She hasn't been the same again and said then that our relationship wouldn't be the same... her best friends told her to break up with me, she said no because she still loves me... but she kept me on a string for a month before completely breaking up beginning of September.. I've been in No Contact for 13 days now... Started Running again, focusing on my work and planning an overseas trip... She also watches my Instagram stories as well... and out of curiosity I just looked and saw she goes online on Facebook when I post something... so she's definitely watching me... Not sure what that means... I know shes stressing... I'm ending No Contact on the 26th September... might extend passed the 10th October (Her Birthday)... I love her more than anything and she's an incredible woman, we just click... BUT... towards the end of July beginning August things went sideways... I have a feeling (at least I hope) she still loves me... But focusing my energies on other things and working on myself as you awesome guys have said! I want to marry this girl... but I understand things will take time... she has been posting depressing posts on social media as of late though. Any advice would be great.
Thank you! I read it all and it really spoke to me. Very good, down to earth advice especially about playing it cool because it’s true that men hate drama. Apologising was great advice too and looking at it as a totally new relationship after separation. I totally agree and I’ve been remembering and applying your awesome advice about working on the issues that caused the separation and being friendly , fun and cool.
It’s confusing and it hurts. I heard what she said but it doesn’t feel like it’s really over. I’m doing my best not to read too much into it but I know I want her back and the only thing I can hope for is the chance to right my wrongs. Maybe there’s a chance, maybe there’s not. I’m not good at reading these things. But I think back to when me and my ex broke up and if I would’ve just left her alone, we would’ve gotten back together. I guess that’s the move with this girl. Give her the time and space she needs. I love her. She needs to be free and if she comes back, then it wasn’t meant to be. If not, so be it. Major L but what can I do?
I quit the day he left me, and I haven't even felt the urge since. I want to get him back, and want to do it the right way, but I feel like I need to contact him and confess how bad things were for me, not for pity but just so he understands why I did some of the things I did, and doesn't think that "that was just the way i am". Now that I have 3+ weeks of sobriety under my belt, I am more sure than ever that he might be the one, and that things would have worked. Ive turned my life around and am on such a better path, but I can't get him out of my head. I also can't forgive myself for letting my addiction ruin such a perfect thing. I know that I could make him happy now.
So, my question is this. I've discovered this information only recently, and my ex left me late last year. The winter and early spring was rough, and I broke a lot of rules. I finally tried no contact as long as possible, and didn't contact her from April till June. I've done a lot of self improvement, but when I broke and finally reached out to her, I think I might have screwed up the process somehow. I haven't even brought up our past at all, and have been trying just small talk here and there, but she seems to be withdrawing from me again. Should I try the no contact period again? Or is there some other way I can right the course of the process to give myself the best chance of doing things the right way?
Rosie, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story. That’s heartbreaking for your marriage to go to pieces in a matter of months. I admire your commitment to your marriage in spite of everything. I totally relate to what you’ve gone through, having gone from marrying the perfect guy to dragging him to counseling. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which brought back the man I married and gave me the playful, passionate marriage I have today. You CAN save your marriage. I have a free webinar coming up that will teach you how. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Leyla, I so appreciate your accountability in this post for your part in the breakdown in your marriage, which sounds really painful. I get why your fear keeps coming up, but your husband is wise to not engage in that conversation with you because there’s no benefit. When you feel that fear, you might bring it to someone else–a trusted girlfriend who is ultimately in support of your marriage–so you can release it without acting on it. But what’s true is that your husband sounds like a good man, and it’s totally in your control to be respectful and that’s like oxygen to him. That’s how you can contribute to a long, happy, monogamous marriage. It’s much easier to do when you have support, like a coach and a community of women. But definitely reading the books is a great start!