If you want to stop your husband from having an affair and save your family finance, you have to cultivate a generous disposition. While occasional giving to your spouse can produce moments of happiness, a generous disposition can engender a state of happiness. Generosity can be expressed in many ways. One of the best ways, and often the most appreciated, is when you give yourself completely to your partner.
I have been married to my wife for 22 years this year. She and I have had a very up and down life together. she told me when we got married she wanted to stay home and raise children. I agreed. Now we have a 17 year old and a 9 year old. She has never had to work, and my job has been high stress and full of disappointments as I have strived to make enough for us to have the lifestyle we both say we want. I have been wrongfully terminated three times (proven in court). I have really struggled to rebuild my career but being in a public position has been very strenuous. As a longtime CEO and now private consultant in the public sector for the past 6 years my economic stress has been huge. I gained a 100 pounds over the years. So in 1999, my wife had an affair with a man, while I was working on the road to make enough money to take care of my family and find a way for us to relocate together. I was devastated. We did go to marriage counseling and our marriage survived this very hurtful situation. I found out she blamed me for the affair, saying our life had taken a toll on our emotionally and she thought she needed to jump ship to find economic security. I relocated us and then again to another state. So we reconnected and had our next little one. Now we have a second home in a well known lake community about 2 hours from our home. She over the past three to four years has taken to going there on her own because she is on a local talk show and says doing that gives her purpose and makes her happy. I usually have to stay behind and work and take care of the kids when she goes there. She gets no pay for the show, it is quite popular and she goes out usually when she is there with her local girlfriends some married, some divorced and some just barfly’s in their late 40’s looking to hook up and be told their sexy. She has gotten into several situations where either a friend has texted me seeing her out with the girls and other men and been suspicious and so on. I have told her repeatedly if you put yourself in these situations sooner or later something bad will happen that will affect us negatively. She thinks I don’t trust her and she loves to dance and have fun. She thinks I am being overly paranoid. She also says she has not been attracted to me because of my weight and that is what has been keeping us apart and less than intimate. She says she loves sex and she is always used to being the center of attention, she is still in great shape and gorgeous even at 49. She gets hit on all the time by men and she seems to enjoy the third party attention and affirmation of her sex appeal still. So then 6 months ago I find out she has been having another cyber affair over facebook and she hooked up with this guy in our lake town to have dinner and chat… she says nothing happened. He is the brother of one of her closets friends who comes over every week to have dinner with us as she just got divorced herself. Our two sons are friends and play baseball together. So I confronted her about all this and she just said, It was stupid I don’t want out of our marriage and she says she ended it. I even found a card he sent her where he said, he felt their meeting had brought them to a new level in their relationship. So I went on a diet and have lost about 50 pounds thus far. Things seemed better, then she went over to the lake house this past weekend with a married girlfriend that was visiting from out of town, who has been her friend since childhood. They went to the bar with the girls, my wife got so drunk she couldn’t drive and was talking to some 20 something man for a longtime and being very confrontational. She drinks at least a couple glasses of wine per day she says it keeps her sane in my high stress and uncertain world of finances. I got behind on our taxes after 2008 and dug a big hole and have been negotiating with the IRS to find a way to settle them. Being self-employed is hard to keep them current and pay for everything. Everytime I confront her about how her going out makes me feel really insecure she just says I am holding onto the past and that I think she is a whore and/or slut, and she has done nothing wrong. I wish I could believe her, but I just can’t get 100% comfortable with this lifestyle or trusting her again. She has broken my heart now two times. Somehow I still love her. I love our family and I don’t want to break it up. But this is killing me and she always places the blame on me for all circumstances and then says this is what gets her stressed out. I am just lost. I don’t know what I should do, or how I can get our relationship back on track or whether she really wants to do so. Everytime we fight she says after our son graduates we are over. That just makes my heart sink… then later she will come back and say, I was just mad, I didn’t mean it. I don’t want our marriage to end. But it happens again always and it did last night as well. This time I just said, “You created this situation, I am not willing to accept the blame for it, and I can see our attorney next week and end this if that is what you want?” Then she says I threatened to divorce her and it is my fault again. I can’t get her words out of my mind I am fat, she is not attracted to her and when we are intimate she has to hold her breath or she says I nearly crush her until she can’t breath. Now I am a big guy. 6’3″ and 280 pounds still and most women find me attractive. Even her girlfriends say they would kill to have her life. Many of them have told me that they think she is crazy to not be truly happy she has a kind, loving and caring man in her life that treats her like a queen and never berates her, or abuses her mentally or physically. I try to make everything our family needs come true… I work really hard, but I also attract a great deal of public detractors due to my public life by way of bloggers and web postings. I am a public speaker, author and public sector consultant engaged in negotiating deals between local governments and businesses that want to expand or relocate to a new area and create jobs. I have been doing this for 22 years since we first married. I don’t have any other knowledge of how to make enough to pay our bills. I feel trapped, confused and don’t know if my marriage is salvageable and/or whether I should keep trying. I have suggested that we go to a counselor again, but she says no, that is not what she needs. So, long story but I am totally at a loss for what direction I should choose.
Well it is of no surprise the outright majority will be females who have been wronged by males. I myself am in a different circumstance. I have tried to push ahead in life with my relationship, for the pure fact that we have two children and it seems to be the morally right and socially acceptable thing to do. However, I am ending it….for the pure fact that I do not love this woman as one who needs a partner they can trust, should. It is to no fault of her own, she could not see what the relationship needed, and had instead focused on what articles like this had listed. Communication is paramount, but as much as everyone thinks they know, it is a two way street and listening is skill that we as humans must learn.
There are few things like knowing that the person you're with just wants to be with you. When you feel solid and reassured by the level of love and communication in your relationship. There's no worry or stress about getting ghosted or cheating and your only worry about your partner is whether or not they've noticed that you're actively building and expanding your wedding board on Pinterest.
Too often these women — even the strongest, smartest, most independent of them — weirdly believe that if they inflict enough pain back onto their partners or exact enough control of them, they’ll suddenly get with the program. Instead, the opposite usually happens. Their partners — not feeling loved enough and tired of feeling nagged, controlled, and criticized — do the opposite. They withdraw and tune out. And the cycle of drama and dysfunction only becomes more vicious and protracted.
I’ve forgiven him. I brought dysfunction in to this marriage also (codependency). I spent over 13years trying to change him (there’s the codep. in me lol) He’s a product of his childhood as am I. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less and doesn’t mean we have to stay in the marriage. I’m no longer angry or hurt. Nor do I feel shame or guilt for how I feel towards him now. Mentally I’ve made peace with what’s happened. I taught him how to treat me and I enabled him. But there’s simply been too much damage. I have no desire to even think about liking him. I’m investing all my energy on my recovery and attempting to help my 12yr old son learn healthy ways to deal with his negative emotions. I’ve got a long way to go. I continue to tell myself “progress not perfection”
Can't remember your last date night? If you're not planning any important or special events together on top of not spending time together in general, that's not good news for your relationship, says Greer. Make an effort to get a couple outings on the schedule — maybe a movie night or a dinner at your favorite spot — and see if you can rekindle the flame. Marriages take work, and putting in the effort on things that bond you as a couple is part of that.
Very well put Lily. I have an ex boyfriend who had me rolling on the floor with laughter at times. The exBF still calls frequently and makes me laugh. However, he is an alcoholic and unfortunately I have found many of the comedians are. The ExBF does turn his humor on me during disagreements, which is what I mean by calling him unstable. He also would occasionally heckle absolute strangers which I found humiliating and immature. So even though 70% of the time he was amazing and kind.. the rest of the time I wondered if he will embarrass me or tease someone of a more delicate constitution than I have, like my children. I decided that he was a liability and untrustworthy although still there is no one who is more fun or knows me better or loves me more than he in the world. He simply was out of control of himself part of the time.
What did I do? Looking back, I admit that I did some crazy shit. And it is shit. Why did I ever think that punishing my husband by turning away from him and harboring resentments would EVER get me what I wanted? How could I possibly think that punishing him and withdrawing from him would magically give me more love, attention, praise, and affection? It’s nuts. It’s self-sabotage.
May you experience recovery, healing, peace and love in your relationship. May you find life in your marriage, sparks of love in your soul, and sprouts of health in your emotional, physical, and spiritual relationship with your husband. I pray that God revives your marriage and performs a miracle in your relationship with him. May you find practical, healthy ways to deal with these signs your marriage is over – and may they become a ghost of the past.
If your guy doesn`t text you as much as he usually did, he may be just taking a break. While you shouldn’t make a drama out of this, try to figure out why he needs that break. He may have problems at work, at college or some family issues. If everything is fine yet he doesn’t call or text you during the day, maybe your man isn’t interested in you and your relationship overall.
I found out my husband was talking to his ex behind my back a few weeks ago and he knows how I feel about this person based on things she has done in the past to try to get between us. So, in some of the messages I saw, he had sent her a meme and said he loved her. She also sent a picture to him of her legs with the statement….here are a picture of my legs finally with an emoji wink and his response was…about damn time. She also sent him a picture of a house where they used to live just to ask him if that was the house they used to live in. When I asked him about this, he said he does still have a love for her because they have kids together but he is with me. I however am having a problem getting over this because in our entire marriage, 10 years, he has never sent me anything out of the blue like this to let me know he is thinking of me like he did with her. We got into a tiff and when I tried to call him he didn’t answer. In the past when he was mad, he would ignore me and not answer my calls which I figured he was doing again which just made me more angry so I continually called him. I also texted him expressing my feelings. He finally texted back and said he can’t handle my level of crazy anymore. I called him and he said I was crazy because I called him so much…even after I tried to explain this his is pattern when he is mad at me which I figured he was. He then told me I needed to get on medication because I needed and he can’t deal with me anymore. I did find out that he did respond to my text but it failed to go through…because I didn’t get this text is why I began going overboard with my phone calls. However, I do know what I did was wrong but I don’t think is justifies name calling. When I asked what he meant when he said he can’t do this anymore, he said he wasn’t saying anything at this time as far as what I can’t do this anymore means.. This is what he does when we get to this point. He tells me he doesn’t care about my feelings and I bother him. I know what I did was wrong but I don’t think I deserve the name calling or made to feel like I nor my feelings matter. I did comment that it would be nice to receive things like him like he does do other people and his response….keep accusing me and you will see what happens,,,,
When we first met and the first year of our relationship, up to the first few months of the marriage were wonderful… but as soon as we got married he stopped caring… about much of anything really. He doesn’t shower like he should and smells horrible. Doesn’t take care of most personal hygiene. Refuses to partake in housework. Refuses to leave the house for anything. Didn’t shave for a month recently. Only did it because his MOTHER told him to. I’d been getting on him for weeks about it because even not trimming it looked sloppy.. but he didn’t bother. Doesn’t care about his appearance at all. It’s like he stopped needing to make an impression once he got married.
And yet, if a man sees that something is very important to you, he will make an effort to listen to you attentively, even if this topic is completely uninteresting to him. When he loves you, he won’t leave you without attention. But if he keeps changing the topic or runs away using different excuses whenever you try to talk, most likely, your worries do not bother him. Accordingly, he is not going to participate in the resolution of any issues that may come up during the relationship.
We travel a lot - or did before the birth of our little one, and at the beginning, all was well with the world, but now, for a couple of days before the flights, he starts getting antsy and talking about how much he hates flying. He often says things just on the edge of hearing, under his breath, but things that make me flush with embarrassment with their negativity or derogatory manner about flight attendants, etc. On our last flight, he was simply angry before we ever made it to the airport and was gruff and his eyebrows were furrowed and seemed defensive. We got our boarding passes. He said, I just hate flying. I asked him why he was so upset, when everything had gone wonderfully in my mind. He told me things always go wrong - - - This is NOT the perspective or attitude I want for my daughter. I don't want her to hate flying before we even get into the air.
Let me try to address the first one, your depression, I have many friends with clinical depression and they are all on anti-depressants, not a fan of meds, but they seem to work for them. Your husbands unhappiness, When someone is unhappy we all know that it is up to that person to figure it out, and really there is nothing we can do except offer support. Does your husband have a good relationship with his parents?
ive been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs we have a beautiful 1 yr old daughter & well lately he spends all day everyday outside in the garage watching tv & he doesnt care abt spending anytime with me & when I go tell him that its wrong that he is always outside and he doesnt spend no time w/me he tells me I bitch alot he nvr wants to listen to me & tells me to leave…& when I ask him if he’s tired of me & he says yes idk wat to do anymore ;(
My husband of nearly 5 years told me last night that he is not happy and hasn't been for almost a year. The long and short of it is he says there isn't a way for hime to articulate his unhappiness. he thinks that while we always knew our personalities were different, it's just taken us the almost 7 years we've known each other to realize how different they really were. Looking back, I can say that things haven't been great, but I've not been unhappy recently. It's almost like we were living as roomates. I suggested couples counseling, he doesn't want to do that. I'm lost- I don't want my marriage to end, I truly love my husband and can't picture my life without him in it. Please help- has anybody gone through this and survived married?
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He always calls me slob and lazy. Its kind of true as I never developed proper cleaning habits but it hurts and I have made sure the place stays clean. Whst really boils my blood is that when I met him he had an illness, wasnt working, but was fully ambulatory. We lived together and he would never lift a finger to do anything! I would come home to squalor and he would ask me what was for dinner. My mother would come over and ask me wht was the place a mess when all my husband did was sit at home and play videogames. It was so embarrassing.
You might think him telling you all about it means nothing fishy is going on behind your back – he wouldn’t dare cheat on you with her and then come home, look you in the eye and share office stories about her… Would he? It might mean nothing, or it might mean that he has started to shift his attention to this other woman… While at the same time losing interest in you.
My husband and i have been married for just over a year. I recently told him that i feel emotionally empty and more like we are good friends than husband and wife. He said he feels the same way. He got very angry and hasn’t talked to me much in a couple days. We haven’t been intimate in quite a while, like a couple weeks. I don’t know how to fix this and make him talk to me again. He wont tell me he loves me. Recently he made a new female friend at work. It makes me very uncomfortable. He assures me that they are just friends, but i have a hard time believing him. He works night shift and hasn’t been coming home on his lunches (he used to every night). He says he just sleeps in his car or takes a drive, but again im not sure if i believe it. I miss him terribly and i want everything to be good again. I just dont know if he is trying to distance himself from me, or if i just need to give him space and let him talk when he is ready. I dont know if its normal to feel disconnected through the first year or so of marriage. I have heard it is the hardest. He has always been wonderful to me. He is a very nice person. Im afraid that my feelings of emptyness were based on something temporary and i just hurt him by saying what i did. I just need advice!
Wow. He cheated,not once but twice. We have been married it would have been 6 years 8/25. I do not know for sure what happened except that I went back to school, and could not give the 100% attention I always gave. I do get snappy when I cant meet his needs, he said this was part o it. But I have been a loving and dedicated wife partner for our entire relationship, I always was able to let him know when something bothered me. But he couldent come to me, he sought attention and help from anther, when she rejected him he ran to another to spite her, neither got hurt in the process, just me. He came back 3 times, and left just as fast. Now he asked for a devorce, in a letter, not even face to face. Coward. I deserved better
I just keep thinking that this struggle must be a part of some evolutionary process as human beings. I don’t think we are necessarily meant to stay in a monagamous relationship for a lifetime, but our societies and values are still structured as if that is the ideal and the economic and emotional fall-out is HUGE when those relationships come apart.
The feeling of being head over heels in love is powerful. So powerful, in fact, many couples forget that being married, or at least having a successful marriage, goes beyond just being in love. Klapow explains that men often don't realize marriage isn't an addition to their life, but really a call to change their life. "This takes a while but sets in hard — that marriage means your life changes," he said. "Men have a hard time accepting this."